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Do you love him?
Tim’s question echoed in her mind as they continued through their day. She didn’t love Chris. She knew she didn’t. She’d said as much to Tim, she’d said to his face that she couldn’t love Chris because he wasn’t…he wasn’t what?
Could she admit it to herself, at the very least in the confines of her own mind?
He wasn’t Tim.
Chris would never be Tim. He would never be the grumpy, inflexible, smug, steadfast, protective, honourable, kind, beautiful man that Tim Bradford was. The sight of Chris would never make her smile instinctively. Conversations with Chris would never fill her with a fire and joy that couldn’t be replicated. Chris's touch would never instantly anchor her, and remind her that she was safe.
She would never love Chris, she never could love Chris. So what the hell was she doing with Chris?
She was completely in love with Tim Bradford. Of course she was, she had been for months, probably years at this point. She needed him like she needed her right arm. She loved him in a way that had her forgetting how to breathe, how to speak.
Why couldn’t she just tell him? Why couldn’t she just leap? Why couldn’t she tell the most important person in her life just how much she loved him? How much she wanted him forever?
Even before she’d finished asking the mental question the answer popped into her head.
What if it didn’t work?
What if they tried and
failed
? What if she messed it up? What if she ruined it like every other adult relationship she’d had? Like her college ex? Or Emmett? Like how she’d ruined her relationship with her parents? What if there was just something about Lucy Chen that was unloveable?
She’d survived those losses, she could still live without her parents, without any other person she’d dated. Lucy Chen would survive. It’s what she did. But she knew without a doubt she would not survive losing Tim.
She remembered standing outside her apartment as he told her to go to Sacramento and to move on. It hadn’t mattered that he was with Ashley and she was with Chris. He’d broken her heart and she’d barely survived. These last few months had been agony, she’d been unmoored, untethered, the purpose she’d found ever since she’d become a cop missing.
The distance between them, the awkward silences, and the long looks filled with weight. It had been killing her, and only now they were slowly going back to where they’d been before. Before she’d ruined it by kissing him (twice), by saying “basic biology”.
If she ruined this relationship, if she ruined them, if she ruined Tim and Lucy she’d never forgive herself.
She was scared. She was terrified, and she didn’t know what to do.
Bzzt
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she felt her heart sink seeing that it was Chris. She couldn’t keep doing this.
Do you love him?
Tim’s voice echoed once again in her ears.
NO!
Lucy wanted to scream back.
She didn’t love Chris, she didn’t want to move in with him, or kiss him, or feel his arms around her. She didn’t want anything to do with him. She didn’t want to feel guilty every time she remembered “do you want to come in?” She didn’t want to appease him because arguing “wasn’t worth the effort”. She didn’t want to be this Lucy she’d morphed into without even realizing it.
She didn’t want Chris, and she didn’t want to be that Lucy.
But she was still scared.
Cause he loves you.
Tim grimaced as his own words echoed through his head. He’d been talking about Sanford, the other man clearly in love with Lucy.
Even the mild irritation Tim felt with Sanford today paled in comparison to the pain that simple truth brought him. Because while Chris Sanford was clearly in love with Lucy Chen, so was he.
He’d known for sure for months and probably had been in love for years. Every gentle glow of pride, every soft look, every comforting word of advice. He loved her, he loved her, he loved her.
Lucy Chen had wormed her way into heart, with books on tape, with psychoanalysis, with flour bombs, and dances at weddings. With every moment she’d spent challenging him and pushing him, and believing in him. As she proved time and time again how strong she was, how smart she was. What was he supposed to do
but
fall in love with her?
Cause he loves you.
He’d been talking about Sanford, but god knows he’d also meant himself.
And he knew it wasn’t right, and it wasn’t honourable to be pining after someone who didn’t love him back, who couldn’t love him back.
But he kept hoping. He kept hoping that the human embodiment of sunshine and warmth and life and joy would see him and chose him. Because of “do you want to come inside” and “I’m keeping you company” and “He’s just not…”
He kept up hope because he’d lived in the world where Lucy hadn’t picked him and it was hell. He’d watched her walk away from him, to Sacramento, and then drift away from him, no longer acting as his aide.
He’d lived his life without Lucy by his side, he’d tried to settle with Ashley, he’d tried to let her go. He would have done anything, as long as she was happy. He’d have cut off his own hand as long as she was happy.
But she wasn’t, not with Chris. He’d seen it today, in her every word, and action. He knew her too well. This wasn’t Lucy.
She was unsure, she was quiet, she was hesitant. All the things Lucy Chen should never be. And this wasn’t the way Lucy treated someone she cared about. She pushed them, and she needled them and she made them the center of her world.
And Tim felt the embers of hope deep in his chest roar into an open flame. Because he knew Chris wasn’t that for her. She didn’t
love
him.
Lucy gave her care freely, she gave care to everyone around her, she cared with her every action and every word. He knew that Lucy’s care was instinctual and it was fierce.
But he knew her love was rare. Her love was given freely when she was certain the other person wouldn’t throw it back in her face. He knew she wouldn’t risk it, not when she had so much to lose.
She’d follow his lead, she’d go with the flow, because losing them? He knew her too well, she wouldn’t risk it.
But for him? The chance to have her in his life forever, to love her forever. It was worth the risk.
Lucy didn’t know what to do, but she had to talk to Tim
Tim didn’t know what to do, but he had to talk to Lucy.
Lucy was afraid but knew that there was only one person who could help her feel better after today.
Tim was afraid he knew that there was only one person who could help him feel better after today.
Lucy looked across the parking lot and saw Tim scrolling on his phone.
Tim watched her walk across the parking lot with purpose.
Do you love him?
Tim loved Lucy.
Cause he loves you.
Lucy loved Tim.