Chapter Text
She doesn’t know who is more surprised to find her at his doorstep at this late hour, him or her. He stares at her, saying nothing for a moment as his eyes fill with concern. She must look terrible, she has been crying on and off since she left Ethan's house and she can't seem to make it stop. Magnum has never seen her like this and she finds herself questioning whether she should have gone to lick her wounds in private. It’s how she has always done things, how she did things before she met Magnum and he made her feel secure enough to let him in. Secure enough that she had forgotten that she wouldn't find the same easy acceptance she had gotten from him elsewhere.
Coming to Magnum in this state might not be a good idea, she should not have allowed herself this further vulnerability because vulnerability isn't working so great for her today. But she can't argue with the voice that tells her that he will know how to make this better, he will somehow find the magic combination of words to make the tears stop and maybe he will know how she can fix this. Because for all his flaws, he gets people and most importantly, he gets her.
So she's sad, hurt, angry, confused and frustrated and she’s at his door at 11pm with tears in her eyes.
“Hey Higgy. What's wrong?”
“I just needed someone to talk to.”
“Come on in.”
She walks into the guesthouse. Looks around the place like she has never seen it before because she doesn't know what to do with herself, with her hands, with her words. She has gone through worse things on her own.
“I should have called first. I might be interrupting your time with your uncle…”
Unlikely at this hour especially since he is staying in the Honu room.She finds herself deflecting, trying to put the conversation off as much as possible because she now feels silly for even being here.
“Hey, c’mere.” Magnum opens his arms to her and she moves closer to him and just lets herself sink into his warmth. Suddenly the tears are back and she blinks them back furiously until she can't anymore and she sobs into his shoulder as he runs his hands up and down her back in soothing motions. He doesn't say anything, he is just there, a solid comforting presence. And after a few minutes of this the sobs finally subside and she moves back from him, giving her best attempt at a smile.
“So, who do I need to shoot?.” Thomas asks, and from the set of his jaw she is not entirely sure that he is joking.
“Too messy and I’d probably have to help you get rid of the body. Besides, you already know who.”
“Ethan.”
She can read Thomas, interpret the tiniest shifts in his facial expression, knows his emotions except when it comes to Ethan. She can never tell quite what he’s thinking and it’s no different now. His tone is carefully controlled to give nothing away. And maybe that is a tell in itself because as much as she had hoped otherwise it had become increasingly clear over the past few months that the two men would never be friends.
“You could definitely use a drink,” he says walking to the kitchen and pulling out a couple of beers from the fridge as she settles on the couch.
“So, what happened?” He sits down next to her and hands her an opened bottle of beer.
“You already know that I told him about my past. MI6, Richard being disavowed,all of it.”
They had barely had any time to talk about it that morning because Thomas had been in a bit of a rush to pick up his uncle from the airport but he knew that Ethan had asked for space. Had even tried to play devil’s advocate for a second despite the irritation on his face. Probably because he had known that she needed to hear that Ethan would come around soon enough.
“I’m guessing the two of you talked and it didn’t go well.”
“He didn’t pick up when I called or respond to any of my texts. So I went to his place to try and talk to him about it and he said that he didn’t know if he could trust me. And asked for more space, 6 months worth of space to be exact.”
She watches Magnum’s fingers clench around the bottle he is holding before he quells his anger and asks, “6 months?”
“He is going to Kenya for 6 months. Doctors without borders. He needs 6 months apart to figure out if he can trust me again.”
Except she doesn’t really believe that there will be any coming back from a six month separation. She doesn’t think there will still be room for him in her heart after six months, that she will be able to trust him with it. So this is it. They are done and there is nothing she can do about it. The knowledge settles like an uncomfortable weight on her chest and she breathes through it. She finds herself at loose ends because she liked what they had. The comfort and familiarity of the routines that they had as a couple. She likes being in a relationship, likes having someone to call her own, someone to love and be loved by.
She leans back on the couch and sighs and Magnum draws her into his arms. She doesn’t know if this is crossing a line since this is essentially cuddling but she needs the comfort of his arms.
“I’m really sorry. I know you loved him.” He pauses like he is waiting for confirmation that she did before he continues when she nods, because she did. She had been very happy with him and she had been ready to give more of herself to him. “I’ll just say this again, you had reasons for keeping your secrets. ‘I was a spy’ isn’t really a normal first date conversation and he had to gain your trust first. And while I could understand taking time to process what he’d learned, you deserve better than a man who will run thousands of miles away from you at the first sign of trouble. ”
“He is not the one.” Thomas nods. “I don’t know if I believe in the one. It’s too depressing a thought, that Richard was probably my one and now that he is gone I am doomed to always be looking for a shadow of what we had.” And as irrational as it is, right now her heart is a petulant child screaming it wants Ethan.
“Or maybe something different. Someone you will love differently but just as strongly. There has to be something besides locking yourself up in a convent or six months of figuring it out. And when you find it, because I refuse to believe someone as amazing as you are won’t, you will stop chasing shadows.”
She can’t quite picture what Magnum is describing, what something different could look like. But he makes it sound so nice and there is so much conviction in his voice, that something different could be out there for her.
“I don’t know why this has hit me so hard. I am sad that it’s over, hurt that I let him in and he pushed me away, angry that what we have means so little to him. I don’t know how I could have done things any differently to keep it from getting to this point. It’s hardly my first breakup but it hurts.”
And she had always picked herself and kept going. Focused on anything but the pain and anger she was feeling, buried it deep. It hadn’t always been the healthiest coping mechanism but it had always worked.
“You allowed yourself to open up to someone after years. I’d be worried if it didn’t hurt a little to lose that.”
She doesn’t say anything for a while after that. His hands move up and down her back, the motions so relaxing she finds herself a little drowsy. She can hear the steady beat of his heart in the silence, feel her own heartbeat. She is alive. Which technically means she is not heartbroken. She smiles at the memory of her own less than helpful pep talk. He had come out on the other side of that just fine. Although if he was really fine, why hadn’t there been anyone since Abby. She could hardly ask but there was an uncomfortable feeling in her chest at the possibility that he had been pining since then for something that was out of reach. Because Abby was long gone.
“You wouldn’t happen to have a bottle of scotch handy would you? I heard sulking into a glass does wonders for a wounded heart.”
“You are very funny,” he replies. “Supportive partners help too, so whenever you need to talk, I’m here. I’m something of an expert on the subject of getting dumped.”
She feels better for having had his arms around her, his fingers now brushing past the sleeves of her top to the skin of her arms. Innocent enough touching but her heartbeat is now slightly less than steady. Regardless she feels safe here, she realises. The same way she had when she had been in his arms after the kidnapping. She hadn’t truly felt settled until he was there and then she had felt alright. And she finally feels like she is going to be alright now. She is going to wake up tomorrow and keep going, not because she is suppressing her feelings but because she can finally process them healthily.
She should probably let him get some sleep. He looks down at her when she stirs. Their eyes meet as she moves out of his comforting embracing and it feels like for that moment, time stands still. She suddenly has an awareness of the man in front of her that she has never had before. All she can hear is the pounding of her heart, blood rushing in her head, her shaky exhale as they hold the stare a little too long. She has never seen him look at her like that, doesn’t know what to make of it.
Her gaze drops from the intensity of his gaze to his full lips. All she wants in that moment is to feel them pressed against hers, she wants to know what he tastes like. He could make her forget, oh so easily. Just wipe all thoughts of Ethan from her mind. She moves a little closer, feels him lean in, his warm breath wafting over her lips.
She looks into his eyes again and something in them brings her back to her senses. She finally realises how crazy it is that the thought even crossed her mind. Because this is Thomas, her best friend. He is a good man who does not deserve to be used as a distraction from her pain. This would be a mistake. Probably a pleasant one but a mistake nonetheless because her emotions are running high.
She moves away from him and draws in another shaky breath. Her hands are trembling as she picks non existent lint from her clothes. She doesn’t know what else to do with them.
“I, uh...I should go.”
There is nothing to address because nothing happened here. The whole business lasted seconds really. She stands up, rubs her hands on her thighs.
“Of course.”
He stands up and walks her to the door like he always does whenever they hang out in the guest house. That's a good sign, they are fine. It was a moment of insanity, it was probably all in her head.
She turns before she goes, and finds him standing in the open doorway. There is a small smile on his face. Looking at him she knows she will always be welcome here, he will always be her solace. And she almost ruined that for a fleeting moment of comfort.
“Good night Higgy.”
“Good night.”
She looks back after walking a few steps and he is still standing there looking at her. She is still thinking about that image when she falls asleep, lips tingling with the ghost sensation of his lips on hers. She can’t quite get it out of her mind and she can't figure out why