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Hope. Jeongguk might come home today after successfully finishing his military service. Two years since he left. Even though he called his home many times and asked for Jimin, all he could say was "hi" and the common pleasantries which he's sure Jeongguk found awkward.
What was he supposed to do when both their families were surrounding him while he's on the phone. He sighed!!
Jimin could hear their families talking in the living room, discussing Jeongguk and how he's not coming straight home but visiting a friend in Seoul. Jimin knew who this friend was and with a bitter smile he tried to alleviate the pain in his chest. He had seen this coming, he had accepted the fact that Jeongguk will spend his first day after service with Jieun. He had expected. But still it hurts!
Jimin walked out of the house, holding onto his writing pad, the same pad he used to write letters to Jeongguk but never sent. What if Jeongguk thinks he's weird? What if he hates him after finding out about Jimin and his feelings? All those what ifs and then more feelings his small body could handle at this point.
~✦~
It was past afternoon and Jimin realized he's lying down by the sycamore tree, in the long grass, wallowing in self-pity, squeezing out tears, thinking about all those things he wanted to say to Jeongguk if only he were brave enough to say them.
Jimin missed Jeongguk. And wondered if Jeongguk ever missed him. Suddenly there was a shuffle and he could hear footsteps approaching, crunching of grass alongside the narrow way.
"I knew I could find you here"
Jimin opened his tightly shut eyes to see Jeongguk standing between him and the setting sun.
"You're really here," Jimin said, his voice hoarse and gravelly.
"Well I guess?" He giggled and sat down beside Jimin. He started playing with a blade of grass, his fingers feeling the edge while he tried to roll it around his pinky.
"I feel quite nervous. I mean, you look so grownup now; not the tiny Jimin I know. Two years is quite long huh?" He was still playing with the grass.
Jimin tried not to squirm at his words. His eyes drinking in the sight of Jeongguk after two years of not seeing him. A nervous smile crept up his face as he looked down at his lap. "I'm the same Jimin inside. Nothing has changed since you left. I can assure you that" Jeongguk smiled genuinely at him, his big doe eyes sparkling with kindness and genuinity he could never find in another's eyes.
"Are you disappointed?" Jimin asked, trying not to smile. Jeongguk looked at him incredulously. "Of course I'm. I won't be able to call you short or tiny anymore, you're almost the same height as me now."
"You look different though"
"in what way different" Jeongguk asked, wiggling his eyebrows very suggestively to call it normal. Jimin loved this goofy side of him.
"I don't know. Just different - different. I can't explain. Maybe it's your dressing or probably the muscles"
"Of course it's the muscles" Jeongguk grinned.
"I heard you went to Jieun as soon as you left the camp. How is she?" Jimin asked and noticed Jeongguk getting reddened at the mention of his girlfriend.
"Yes I did. Had to sort things out with her. I thought about it almost everyday and how it was a mistake. I should've broken up with her before I had left." He said gently, his eyes faraway.
"I can't believe she broke up with you over a letter. I expected better from her" it wasn't Jimin's place to say all that about Jieun. Maybe he's still salty about their relationship. It was everything he hoped and wanted to have with Jeongguk. But no one has to know that.
"I won't blame her. She has always been honest with me. I should've known better. Long distance relationships are hard and she should think about her future and career. It shouldn't bind her from anything. I didn't want to be the reason she held herself back. But I hoped that she would understand and maybe give us another chance. That's why I went to her. But it was stupid of me. I realized it too late."
Jimin hates when Jeongguk is sad. He hated Jieun for making him sad.
"At least you know now" Jimin tried to ease the tension.
"Yes. She was busy with her boyfriend." Jeongguk's voice was expressionless. It was hard to tell if he was pissed, bitter or just disappointed.
"I am planning to go back to the military, what am I supposed to do here? I can pursue my studies from there" Jeongguk shrugged nonchalantly.
"What if I asked you not to go?"
"I would have to say no Jimin-ah"
"Then I refuse to go to Seoul for my post graduation programme " Jimin pouted, as he said so.
"Is that a threat, tiny? You're no longer that silly boy, you're an adult and an attractive young man. Should stop making such silly little threats "
"I would, if it'd do any good and stops you from leaving again"
Jimin was almost on the verge of tears when Jeongguk boops his nose like he always did. If only he knew the weight of his fingers against Jimin's face.
"What about your career in photography?" Jimin's eyes twinkled as he looked at Jeongguk avoiding the fingers retreating from his face and resting on his thighs. "You've always been so passionate about photography. I always thought you had the potential to become the best photographer in all of South Korea"
Jeongguk's smile didn't reach his eyes and Jimin felt that.
"That was when I thought I could, my imaginations were running wild. I must have been incredibly naive. Well, now I've no imaginations or illusions about making a career out of photography. I know that whatever I become or do makes any difference in the world. I've accepted this soldier's life. And I'm confident I can do well there"
"Jeongguk " Jimin said miserably. His heart is aching for his best friend.
"I'm really sorry. Let's talk about something else. How was your graduation? I'm really sorry i couldn't join, but I hope you got the flowers I sent you?"
Jimin grinned happily. "Of course I got the flowers. It was okay, I mean the ceremony. It was fun"
Jeongguk laughed heartily. "I missed this. Missed talking to you. It's amazing how we can have deep meaningful conversations about life and then go completely berserk over topics that don't make sense at all. Speaking of which, why aren't you wearing your shoes?"
"It feels so much nicer without them. I can feel the blades of grass poking my feet. It's incredible"
Jeongguk shook his head.
"Anyways, you'll be going away to Seoul for college. Are you excited?" Jeongguk's question caught him off-guard as he stared at the fallen leaves of sycamore next to his feet.
"I feel I'm still too young to leave home. I'm sure my mom agrees but my dad will be like "get out of Busan Jiminie, go see the world and I won't have any choice other than agreeing with him."
"You get that from him" Jeongguk snickered as Jimin glared at him trying to look intimidating while all Jeongguk could see was an angry pout and beak that resembled him of a baby chick. It was so easy to work Jimin up.
"I know" he said half-heartedly. "But that doesn't mean I agree with what you said" he picked up a leaf and showed it to Jeongguk. "It's a sycamore. It's my tree. Mom and dad planted this when I was born."
Jeongguk caught hold of the leaf and leaned in closer, his eyes meeting Jimin's. "I think you should go to Seoul Jimin-ah" Jimin's heart was thudding so brutally that he felt himself gulping hard at their proximity. "It's time you explore and complete your studies before you'll have to go to the military just like me" Jimin stared at him, not able to look away from his beautiful face.
"It's important to go away and do your thing. Work things out for yourself, away from the comfort of your home, away from what you know and people around you. You're so full of life Jimin-ah and I don't want you to lose it ever. I don't want you to regret things like I do now, wishing I had done this and that."
Jimin thought of all the times he fell in love with this man. Irrevocably in love.
"And choose something out of regret when you can't have what your heart actually desires. I'd hate to see that happening to my Jimin-ah out of all people "
The leaves scattered around them like a cocoon, they sat together looking into each other's eyes. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes, how can he not fall for him?
"Jimin-ah, do you understand what I'm trying to say?"
There was a lump in his chest, making it difficult to breathe. He looked down at his lap, the letter pad laying next to him untouched. He could not look at Jeongguk without giving himself away.
"Yes. I understand."
"You're very precious to me Jimin-ah. I hope you know that."
He wanted to cry. His knuckles white as he caught hold of a blade of grass and not Jeongguk's hand as his heart desired.
"Do you really have to go?" He asked, keeping the tears at bay.
"I should. It's for the best. I've been looking forward to seeing your letters. I hoped you would write to me."
Jimin hesitantly grabbed his letter pad and hid it behind him.
"Do you remember the last time when we traveled to the sea?"
Jimin remembered everything well and clearly. He had fallen in love a little more that day, Jeongguk had long hair back then. They had together bathed in the sea. And after sunset they took a stroll around the beach, their hands merely touching. He had felt Jeongguk's hair against his cheek when he leaned in to click a picture. The fresh evening breeze coming off the sea. Jeongguk's bunny smile and his sparkling doe eyes. Surreal.
"I remember."
" I can never forget that day. It's one of the memories that kept me going through the last two years. I used to go over it in my mind. I wanted to come back here and experience it one more time. I thought of you more than I thought of Jieun. I realized it too late that thinking about Jieun only pained me while the thoughts about you always helped me through every hurdle. I don't know how to explain it Jimin-ah. You're my person. And I wanted to come back for you. "
Jimin looked up at him, their fingers almost brushing against each other. His nerves were on fire as he leaned in further and touched his face. He caressed the high cheekbones of Jeongguk's face , his eyes lingering on every little mole and freckles adorning his cheeks.
"And now you're here." Jimin said, smiling through his tears. He felt Jeongguk grab his hand over his face and squeeze it lightly. He shifted around and then he was lying away from him, with his head on Jimin's lap. He looked up into his eyes. "Is this okay?" Jimin nodded without hesitation. He didn't know what to do or how to behave. He was taken aback by his sudden, unexpected closeness, surprised by the weight of his head pressing down on his thighs. He was terrified to utter a word that Jeongguk might hear the rapid beating of his heart through his thighs?
~✦~
Unbeknownst to Jimin's dilemma, he lays there with his eyes shut. After a few minutes, while Jimin was still contemplating where to keep his hands, he realized even breathing. His face looked so peaceful as he slept, the skin smooth without any worrying lines. He looked so much younger, almost the boy he met in the neighborhood. He had an irresistible desire to touch his face, feel the slope of his nose, the softness of his pretty lips, to caress the mole under his lower lip. Trace his brows, pinch his cheeks. Stroke his hair, which was so short compared to how it used to be. To feel the skin on his neck, the shape of his Adam's apple, the roughness of his skin. He wanted to hold him in his arms, protect him and give him everything he desired.
He wondered if he'd ever be able to tell Jeongguk about his feelings. How hard it is for him to hide. How he'd make him happy if he gave him a chance, how he would do anything to make him happy. He didn't care if he had a girlfriend, that never stopped him before, neither lessened the amount of feelings he has for this man. If only. Jeongguk is all Jimin wants. Ever wanted.
His whole body shivered at the thought itself. Having Jeongguk all for himself. A tear fell onto Jeongguk's pristine white shirt. He slept unaware of Jimin's turmoil. His breathing is gentle and calm.
Sun disappeared, covering them in slight darkness. The autumn wind rustled the leaves and Jimin looked up trying to hold back his tears. He felt Jeongguk shift in his sleep. He stirred and suddenly sat up, his big eyes blinking at Jimin.
"Oh Jimin-ah, I'm so sorry. I'm such a bad friend. I fell asleep while you were talking. I guess I'm just tired from all the traveling. Let's get back, our parents must be wondering where we are"
Jimin tried to collect his thoughts. His mind was everywhere. He wanted to say so many things to Jeongguk but all he did was hold himself back and cry like every other time.
"Will you be writing to me this time around?"
"Do you want me to?"
Jimin asked, his voice hoarse. Jeongguk nodded a smile on his face, the lights from the street gave him an angelic halo as he stood up. He didn't want to leave Jeongguk's side yet. He wanted more of his time. His eyes on him. His lips against his.
Jimin stood up, unable to stop him. His eyes filled with more tears, he didn't try to wipe it off, it was too dark for Jeongguk to even notice it. He felt Jeongguk's rough, calloused palms against his cheek, he waited with a thudding heart as Jeongguk bent forward and kissed him. On the forehead, gently, passionately. Like a brother, like a friend. A platonic connection. A best friend at that.
They walked side by side towards their houses. Jimin stopped in front of his driveway, watched Jeongguk walk past his garden. Walk past the line of trees. Away from him. A chill, damp wind passed, making Jimin shiver. Jeongguk was gone.
Goodbye Jeongguk. May God bless you. The only words that mattered. Goodbyes are hard, so are confessing one's true feelings, knowing they'll never reciprocate it. He could never say those words to him in person. But in his mind he's already said it more than a thousand times, more than he could count this lifetime.
I love you Jeon Jeongguk. I love you. I love you completely.
~🤍~