Archive of Our Own

“Okay, that’s a wrap for today!” Immediately, claps and cheers resounded inside the practice room when Chan yelled those words. Almost all of his bandmates collapsed to the floor, out of breath and extremely tired. 

“Should we head out now? I’m spent, and there’s nothing I’d love more than the comfort of my bed right now.” Minho loudly says for everyone to hear as he grabs onto Felix’s thigh and invites his head to lay there, making himself comfortable.

Felix chuckles at the contrast in his hyung’s words and his actions, patting the latter’s head gently as he lets himself be Minho’s own personal pillow. “You should go with the others, hyung. I think I’ll stay here for a while longer.” The freckled boy states quietly, his eyes then instantly finds the mirrors—and he sees himself in them.

Minho was quick to blink his eyes open when he heard Felix’s just as tired voice. He moves and lifts his head slightly to take a good look at Felix’s face, only to see the boy’s neck and his chin—because Felix was looking forward. Minho blinks before scrambling to sit up, startling Felix and some of the others who were getting ready to head out. He places his hands on either side of Felix’s face, earning him a surprised and confused look from the boy—yet no protest was made. If the others were just as curious, they didn’t question anything and went back to their own business.

“What’s wrong?” Was the first thing that Minho had asked, eyebrows formed into a frown. “Yongbok, you can’t tell me it’s nothing. I can see it all on your face.” He says before Felix could even open his mouth to disregard his query.

The blonde in question purses his lips, growing quiet. Minho notices how their sunshine’s aura has drastically faded into that of gloom, devouring any light or warmth. If Minho were to describe it more, it was as though Felix was a robot that had just shut itself down. He takes it in, all of it. Felix’s unsmiling and dimming eyes that couldn’t even hold themselves against Minho’s stare. It was unusual, weird even. Minho thought that he had seen everything; every single one of the saddest and most upset facial expressions of his members, but he was wrong because he had never seen this—not on his members and he certainly didn’t expect to see it on Felix.

Because if emptiness and misery were to meld themselves together, it would be the entirety of the person reflected in Minho’s eyes.

Felix looks up just then, grinning as if nothing happened. He took his hyung’s hand on his own, dropping them slowly on his lap. And for a few seconds, Minho’s face has only housed disbelief and concern for his friend. “What do you mean? I’m staying just because I want to perfect the dance, hyung!” And hell, if Minho felt himself shiver—it was because of how utterly cheerful Felix’s voice sounded laughing—as if there was nothing wrong, as if the blackhole Minho witnessed earlier was only his imagination.

Minho would have bought it. He would have believed the happiness that Felix was showing if it weren’t for the blank eyes that now stared right back at him. He would have let the laughter pass as genuine if it weren’t for the absence of authenticity and real delight in it. Minho finds this Felix quite scary—no, rather he finds this entire situation dreadful. Because in all honesty, he doesn’t know what to do. Sure, he’s seen Felix sad before but it wasn’t like this. Felix wasn’t enshroud with pure darkness then. Minho doesn’t know if he’d be helpful if he tried to help him, or just completely be an addition to Felix’s distress. Minho doesn’t know how to handle this present Felix—he doesn’t know what and how much comfort he needs, and it just sucks to admit that.

It was obvious that Felix wasn’t ready to talk about it—certainly not in front of these many people around, even if they were his family. And Minho understands that, so he pursed his lips and swallowed down every question he had. Instead, Minho suddenly surges forward and wraps his arms around Felix—embracing the boy tightly in a few seconds before he sets on to gently rubbing Felix’s back.

Felix, though a bit surprised, has never taken off the smile on his face. He pats Minho’s back and hugs him loosely before breaking away. When they do, Minho stares at him again for a few seconds before sighing in defeat. The older of the two brushes a hand through his hair, as he takes in Felix’s seemingly innocent-looking face. There was no other way around it, and Minho wouldn’t want to make Felix uncomfortable than he already seems to be.

“Promise to not overwork yourself, alright?” Minho hands out his pinky, waiting for Felix to do the same.

Gentle affection was a far-fetched word that seems to be unavailable in Minho’s dictionary. If asked, his love language would be various of not-so-gentle physical touch, and it depends on each person. Smacking butts, choking, pinching, and other stuff that just screams violence would be Minho’s preference. And so, Minho would have shat himself if he ever offered his pinky first with anyone on a normal day. However, it isn’t exactly a normal day and the person in front of him isn’t just anyone—it was Felix.

The freckled boy stares at his hyung’s little finger before tangling it with his own, letting out a small laugh that sounded genuine enough to Minho’s ears. “Promise,” He says, even bumping their thumbs together.

Minho breathes in relief. “If you aren’t back in two hours, I’m seriously going back here to fetch you myself.” He says firmly, and Felix just nods at him in agreement. Minho ruffles the blonde’s hair before standing up, grabbing his things, and looking back at Felix for a few seconds—his eyes held a gentleness that only a few privileged people were lucky enough to be bestowed with. “Come back quickly.” He says with the softest voice he could muster, stuck on the door and contemplating.

Felix’s eyes widen a little when he sees his hyung walking back in his direction. The older then bends himself down, slightly lowering his upper half to align himself with Felix’s position sitting down. Felix blinks, tilting his head up to meet Minho’s gaze. The latter was unfazed as he stares Felix down with the evident concern in his eyes—no matter how much he tries to conceal them in fear of burdening the blonde more. Besides, Felix was rather grateful if anything, that his hyung was just too worried about his well-being that his affectionate side couldn’t help but show.

It wasn’t after much second thoughts that Minho allowed himself to lower down some more, and in time, pressed a gentle peck on Felix’s head. The blonde blinks, trying to process what had just happened. However, before he could even ask, Minho was already sprinting to the door to run after their members who had already left the room. Upon registering everything, Felix smiles to himself. While his hyung rarely shows gentle affection, when he does, everyone would know it was laced with nothing but sincerity. 

Felix smiles at Minho’s retreating figure; he does so even after his hyung leaves, he does so when the door swings closed. Then the smile drops. It continued to gradually drop until there was no curve to be seen on his lips anymore.

Wasting no time, Felix stands up and adjusts his position from where he could see himself clearly in the mirror. He turns the music on and gets ready to dance as he positions himself. His mind was blank when the music started, yet his body knew how to incorporate the moves he had been tirelessly practicing over and over again. Felix’s irises look at himself through the mirror, raking over his very being as he moves within rhythm. There was no room for mistakes, and Felix hasn’t been making one—not even earlier when they were practicing as a group. Felix’s moves were on point and Minho has already pointed that out—the blonde has already perfectly mastered the choreography of the dance that was taught to them just three days ago. How could Felix not, though? When it was all that he had been trying to put his mind into—away from everything else, away from a certain someone.

Fuck.

Felix coughs and he immediately stops dancing, hands tremblingly holding onto his chest as if it was about to fall off. At first, nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary but when he puffs out another blow, he sees it. A deep-blue, quite like indigo-colored little petal that dropped on the ground. He coughs, and coughs, and coughs, and the petals also keep on falling. Felix drops on the floor with his body shaking—tears present in his eyes as they glitter his cheeks. The pieces of indigo petals were like shards of broken glass that fought its way out of his lungs, and pierced the corners of his throat until they were free. No word could possibly describe the pain it brings, but more so does the pain that caused it.

It was his fault for letting his mind steer away from nothingness and to the source of his affliction. Truthfully, this is not the first time that Felix is seeing the petals. It wasn’t until one of his insomniac nights of self-assessment that Felix started to see beneath the fogginess and confusions. A horrifying discovery of his own feelings broke through the dead of dawn, sending Felix to an emotional rollercoaster at two in the morning. Shock, joy, and fear—fear mostly—has been one of the major forces that keeps him even more awake. The blonde was too shaken up about realizing his romantic feelings for his own bandmate—his best friend, the person he was convinced to be the other effervescent half of his otherwise unremarkable life.

So, that’s what it was. All this time, Felix thought that there was something wrong with him—and he was right. The little jumps that his heart does when he gets too close and too comfortable, he should have known it was hinting on to something. Or the stolen stares, the ones that get longer and longer—with Felix fooling himself that it was okay as long as he doesn’t get caught. And seriously, who could stop him? Who could blame him?

Hyunjin was just celestial—like a small peek of what real heaven would look like. It was as though the gods had taken their sweet time sculpting every piece of him. As if any expression he puts on his face doesn’t ever equate with ugliness—nowhere near it, ever. It was almost odd. It was tormenting enough to admit that Felix just happens to be really down bad for Hyunjin’s face, but it was even more devastating to know that Felix was even more attracted to everything Hyunjin does—with him and for him. Because that was how Felix knew that it wasn’t just infatuation, it was a whole abomination waiting for him when he realized he loves his best friend like that.

So, when the chain of indigo petals came gushing out of his mouth as he lay in his bed at night, Felix had already instilled in himself that there was no way out of this—and cried himself to sleep—believing that this unrequited love was his fate. It has been three days. Three days of coughing up and soloing the pain of having the petals continuously stream out of his lungs. 

Felix has read about it before, has seen it happen to other people, even in this time and day. He had also seen the wreckage that it brings about to people who had suffered the disease. In the 17th century when hanahaki disease suddenly surfaced and without any medicinal cure to solve it, countless deaths had become a tragic occurrence. People died with the flowers stemming out of their chest and out of their mouths. However, as years went by, experts were adamant on researching to help find a cure, and if not, to at least alleviate the deaths that reflect the disease. 

Surgery was now an option for people who could not take the pain anymore or when they are already at the brink of death—taking out the flowers that hold on to one’s heart. It requires having to take a medicine that makes you forget the person you have unrequited love for, wiping out every memory you have of them. The medicine also acts to numb the individual and the surgery would then begin. The efficacy rate was quite high, too. But this was something that Felix could not bear himself to ever do. Forgetting Hyunjin is almost equivalent to having himself go on through life mindlessly. If he does this, nothing would ever be the same—and as much as things have been changing, Felix would like to think that this change was far more acceptable than losing Hyunjin—from his memories at that.

Overcoming unrequited love has also surfaced, and while there have been a number of people who were able to do it, it wasn’t as many as those who have died or had the surgery. It wasn’t exactly a cure, but it was another option that some were able to execute. Having to let themselves freely let go of all of their feelings for that person, it takes an ocean of courage and Felix applauds them for it.

It wasn’t exactly a hopeless case, Felix knew that. 

However, apart from the finish lines of death, surgery, and completely wiping out the love on their own, there was this happy ending that most people put their hopes on—as did Felix.

To be loved back.

And Felix knew—he knew that was asking for too much.

𓇢𓆸

“Yongbok-ah, the movie’s starting!”

Felix hears Minho calling him from downstairs. It was movie night and everyone had probably already arrived with their pajamas on. Since living in different dorms has caused them to miss doing some things they all previously did together, the members ensembled and talked about gathering at least once a week out of work and just hanging out—hence how the movie night every Saturday was created. Although the first few weeks only consist of marvel movies (courtesy to Felix and Jeongin), the members groaned about it but ended up watching the movie to the credits roll anyway. Dorm 2 has been the most obvious choice for movie night basically because of how their dorm was the cleanest. So, it has been a tradition that every Saturday night, the members from Dorm 1 would come over to watch the movie—and if they were too lazy to go back, then to sleep over too.

Saturday night has never been so painful to Felix. The blonde stares at himself in the mirror of his bathroom, trying to alleviate the pressing thought of how he will soon come face to face (once again) with the cause of his stressor. Even more, he was worried about coughing up a mouthful of petals in Hyunjin and the other members’ presence.

Felix sighs, dropping his head down and closing his eyes. His hands clutching the corners of the sink tight, as if getting some strength from it.

It’ll be okay. It’s just a few hours, maybe I could even sleep through the movie and spare myself the pain.

Suddenly, Felix coughs up, resulting in him to puff out two pieces of petals. Felix reaches out with trembling hands, taking in the petals in between his fingers. It has added in number. Felix has read about this before, about how the disease just keeps on getting harder and harder for the person suffering from it. When the person keeps on thinking and making contact with the source of their unrequited love, it would result in the coughs. The petals would begin with a single piece as he blows, and would gradually grow in number as time passes by—until that single petal ultimately becomes a full flower coming out of the mouth of the diseased.

Skinship and thoughts about the person they harbored love for aren’t harmful if the diseased sees it in a positive light. However, if you have already doused yourself in the pool of unsaid rejection and expected pain, could you still see through things past the negativity? Felix couldn’t—he believes he won’t be able to. So, as much as possible, he tries to put some distance between him and Hyunjin. And that’s what he prays he could do successfully tonight, too.

When Felix finally gets out of his room, he sees everyone already seated in their desired places. The floor was occupied by Jisung and Jeongin in a cuddle, Seungmin in the single sofa with Chan in front of his seat and sitting on the floor. On the big sofa however, sits Minho on the right corner, Changbin sitting closely beside Minho with some space left, and finally, Hyunjin sitting on the left corner with more space beside him.

“Yongbok.”

“Lixie.”

Felix blinks when he hears his name being called by two people and the same people tapping the space left beside them. When Felix turns to the left, Hyunjin is grinning up at him as he pats the vacancy on the sofa. And when Felix turns to the right, he sees Minho looking at him while his hyung does the same thing that Hyunjin did—patting the unoccupied space beside him.

Seemingly put in a dilemma, Felix swallows down the lump in his throat as he slowly comes up to a decision. Without another thought, Felix swiftly runs over to Minho’s side, patting down Changbin’s thighs to make him move over as he sits between them. On the other hand, Hyunjin who has never experienced rejection by Felix when it comes to picking places to join with, noticeably dropped his smile but let it be.

“What took you so long?” Minho inquired as soon as the blonde sat beside him. He offered him a throw pillow and the plushie that Minho knows to be Felix’s favorite one—and it all went on Felix’s lap.

Felix chuckles lightly, “Sorry, I was in the bathroom. I had a hard time with the shower head again.” He lies through his teeth with an impeccable smile on his face. If Minho noticed something was amiss, he didn’t bother commenting on it as he ruffled the sunshine’s hair. 

“We ought to fix that now, shouldn’t we?” Minho hums.

If his words were hidden with meaning far more than what it seems on the surface, then Felix would be damned. He knows his hyung to be very perceptive, but Felix also would like to think that he has been getting better at acting himself. Felix then didn’t dare say anything more and let himself be comfortable as he pierced his eyes on the television.

However, just as he thought he dodged a bullet, he was blind to the fact that a gun could be fired twice—or for as many bullets as you have to spare. Soon enough, the second bullet came. It was a mere five minutes after he sat down that he immediately felt some movements from his left, until he heard a quiet whisper over his shoulder.

“Lixie.”

Felix visibly flinched, both from surprise and knowing who was the owner of that voice. Minho raises an eyebrow at him but brings his eyes back to the movie again, leaving Felix unable to disregard Hyunjin’s presence anymore. A huge gulp down and Felix takes a silent glance at Hyunjin, humming to acknowledge his call.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

The blonde’s lips quivers embarrassingly at the remark thrown at him, sending him to be jittery. Felix turns his head, finally facing the root of the growing stems of sorrow in his heart. No matter the amount of waves of pain that surges in, the thing inside Felix’s chest continues to accelerate in its beats—slowing down was not even an option, not when Hyunjin is right here in front of him. Felix has long been carrying this problem. His heart gets too loud when Hyunjin is in the picture. The worst part is that sometimes, Felix wishes to come closer but never close enough for Hyunjin to hear the pathetic thing that seems to only beat for him.

Felix forces out a small laugh, immediately averting his gaze. “You’re thinking too much. We’ve just been too busy.” He says, and Felix mentally pats himself on the back for making that sentence out without choking his words.

However, the intense glare on the side of his face hasn’t backed down yet—seemingly unconvinced. “But we’ve never been too busy to not talk to each other for two days now, have we?” The firmness in Hyunjin’s tone has Felix thinking that he was in fact in greater trouble than he had previously thought so. “Can you please at least look at me as if you haven’t been ignoring me like you said?” Hyunjin’s tone was light, now more gentle and with a hint of begging.

It jumps, Felix’s heart, at the request. Unable to reject the other, Felix takes a deep breath before whipping his head to the side—instantly meeting Hyunjin’s alluring obsidian eyes and holding the gaze for as much as he can. And for the love of every saint there was, they know just how much Felix has endured the burns from the sparks of fire that flamed his chest the longer they held eye contact. It hurts too much. Like the pain seeps deep in his skin, crawling like an itch into his bones.

“Satisfied?” Felix asks in a low voice, barely audible.

Hyunjin, although still having doubts, slowly nods as he takes in Felix’s facial expressions. “I guess.” He replies back, “I actually have something to tell you.” The ravenette’s voice suddenly exudes slight zest in his tone as he looks at Felix. “You see, I was…” Felix curiously glances at Hyunjin when the ravenette suddenly stops speaking, now bent on searching for something inside his pocket. But when he lifted his head back, his hand clutched a small white pouch. Hyunjin has a proud smile on his face as he waves the pouch in front of Felix’s face. “I brought you something.” The ravenette takes Felix’s hand before dropping the pouch there. “Open it.”

Felix blinks, but his curiosity got the best of him. He began to pull the string and take the contents out. Eyes wide, he looks back at Hyunjin and the two pieces of rings currently laying on his hand. “Oh, wow. But… uh, why? I mean, what is this for?” He mutters out, inspecting the rings. To be honest, there was nothing special about them. Both were silver in color, with the other one having two sapphire stones and some delicate pattern while the other remained free of any intricate designs.

“It’s a present!” Hyunjin says, “Your birthday’s still two weeks away, but I just couldn’t wait to give this to you. Do you like it?” His eyes were begging Felix to say yes and maybe, as an attempt to have the freckled boy agree, he immediately showed Felix his right hand where the same rings sat beautifully on his index finger. “I had it customized according to our birthstones so mine is aquamarine. I think it’s very pretty.”

A smile pulls on to Felix’s lips as he puts the rings on. “I like it. I think they’re very pretty, too.” He looks back at Hyunjin, “Thank you, Jinnie.” Then he smiles, that genuine and undoubtedly blissful smile that he thought he had forgotten the past two days.

It was maddening; how much grip Hyunjin has toward Felix. To think that Hyunjin was the sole reason that Felix could be suffering blow after blow of indescribable pain, yet he could also be the one to get all of it to stop—if only for a moment.

Hyunjin’s eyes held tenderness as he focused the pair on the freckled boy, his smile never leaving. “Good, your smile came back.” He whispers, one hand reaching out and ruffling Felix’s hair.

Felix, with the gentle gesture from the ravenette, immediately flushes as he turns his head back to the screen—trying to act unbothered by it all. As he tries to refocus on the movie, a hand lands on the corners of his knee, making him look to his right.

Minho raises an eyebrow at him and pats his thigh again. “Glaring at the screen isn’t the same as watching the film, Yongbok-ah.” He says, making Felix chuckle slightly.

“Hyung, I told you I’ve already seen this movie countless times before.”

Minho shrugs, “Wouldn’t hurt watching it again, now.” He pauses as he watches the younger yawn, “If you’re feeling sleepy you can turn in early.”

Felix shakes his head, “It’s okay.” He grins, then squirms closer to the older before placing his head on top of Minho’s shoulder. “I can just make use of hyung’s shoulder as a substitute for my pillow.”

“You’re getting more cheeky with me, aren’t you?”

If it had been someone else (Seungmin), they would have thought that Minho said those words as a welcoming greeting to hell. However, contrary to the words he spoke, Minho’s tone was rather teasing and indulging that it made Hyunjin, who was watching all of these unfold beside him, couldn’t help but frown. Alright, Hyunjin gets it. Felix is just the kind of person who brings out one’s affectionate side. Everything about him is comforting—that’s just how Felix always had been, the bright sunshine of them all. But, Hyunjin couldn’t help but wonder if Minho and Felix had also always been this close. Because to be honest, while it wasn’t something unusual to see, it was rather new—the subtle change between Minho and Felix. Or is it just him?

At this point, their relationship was already on par with Felix’s to Hyunjin. But wait, why is he even weighing this down? God, Hyunjin must be the one needing sleep at this point.

𓇢𓆸

Felix hadn’t given it much thought before.

While idols are a public figure with their private lives constantly being bugged by the media without rest, there are still some things that could be kept secret if they truly desire for it to be hidden. It could be someone’s background, their real personality, or some secret lover they wouldn’t like for anyone to find out. Dating has been quite hard for idols too, like most just seemed to have practiced abstinence unknowingly.

Felix didn’t think there was anything wrong with all of that, at least, not until they were already at the climax of the movie. He was quite thankful he hadn’t already coughed up petals in the first ten minutes since he sat—especially with Hyunjin beside him. Maybe, it was because his heart was at ease along with his mind. It might also be because of the rings he had just received from the ravenette.

But it didn’t take long for that peace to come crumbling down.

“Hey, Hyunjin. It’s almost time for your date, why aren’t you getting ready to go?” Changbin quips so suddenly in the silence, looking back at Hyunjin.

Somehow, Felix thought that his ears must have betrayed him or something. Surely, his hyung didn’t just say that Hyunjin has a date, right? It has to be that he just heard him wrong.

“Date?” Minho raises an eyebrow, head whipping to Hyunjin’s direction along with the others. “You have a date? Why do I not know of this?”

To Felix’s disappointment, Minho just shattered all of the hope he’s left with with the questions he asked. The freckled boy slowly turns to his best friend, locking eyes with the ravenette who had an embarrassed smile on his face, finger scratching his cheek. Felix heard it; he felt it. The small crack that created an opening from his heart—something seems to have just pierced right through albeit how small and painful it was. The sight of Hyunjin’s face with that familiar yet seemingly unfamiliar smile, Felix instantly found out how real all of this was.

“It’s nothing like you guys are probably thinking, alright? It’s just a dinner arrangement!”

“Oh, how fancy!”

“So, it’s a date then?”

“No it’s…”

Everything started to fade away. The voices of his friends blocked out in the invisible haze that blanketed his ears. Felix swallows down the lump in his throat as he finds the courage to look away from Hyunjin and to the movie that has long been abandoned. One hand subtly reaches for his chest where his heart seems to have just had a stem of a flower protrude from it. When Felix turns to his side, he meets Minho’s serious gaze that seems to have already been staring at him. He looks away from his hyung’s unbelievably perceptive eyes, of course he looks away. And if Minho has seen the look of utter ruins on his face, then Felix would be damned for giving himself away.

I need to go.

The slithering hurt coming from his chest wouldn’t go away. When the little thing is in pain, it’s like every part of his body is in just as much pain as it does too. It crawls from the thinnest of veins until it has influenced all of Felix.

So, he did what he does best in this kind of situation.

Run.

Felix stands up, so suddenly that everyone stopped chattering as his members looked at him with question marks above their heads. “I… sorry, I just feel a headache coming so I’m, uh, I’ll sleep on it.” He says, forcing out a smile—then he speeds fast to his room, all without waiting for anyone to say something.

As soon as his door hits the wall, Felix presses the lock. The freckled boy walks to the direction of his bed, and yet two steps in and he stops when he notices his vision getting blurry. Everything around him began to unfocus from view. Trembling hands up, Felix reaches for his face as he touches the skin below his eyes—surprised at the dampness that greeted his fingers.

Oh, I’m crying. Again.

Felix blinks at the sight of his wet fingers. His gaze was empty just like the expression on his face. He wonders how long he has been crying already. Was it when he mumbled out his pathetic excuse? Was it when he ran, almost tripping over himself to reach the comfort of his room and hide? Maybe. Felix doesn’t know. It happens too many times now that keeping up with the time and energy he spent crying a river over his best friend seems impossible to track.

And yet, here I am.

The bed creaks loudly when Felix drops his body on it like a log. He reached for the duvet and covered his head, all the way to the tips of his toes. The silence in his room then began to crack when tiny sobs erupted from him. Hands close to his chest, Felix tries to mediate the unrelenting feeling of ache that traveled from his heart and all throughout his body. However, it wasn’t the only thing that was firmly holding on to his heart, like earlier. Felix feels something else slowly circling its way around the little thing inside of him, trailing sturdy stems around carefully yet it brings him no comfort—because this wasn’t exactly a very good news.

From the little knowledge he has, this thing crawling all over his heart was supposed to be a stem of the flower petals that leaves his mouth. Felix knew he had this already inside of him, but the stem coming out was a bad sign that this unrequited love was becoming even more dangerous for him. His mind suddenly brings him back to think about his options once again. 

Felix thinks about death—what better way to die, right? Hopelessly in love with someone who couldn’t love you back. The surgery on the other hand, from an outside point of view, might be the most reasonable choice there was for him. Because as much as he tries to get over Hyunjin, it wouldn’t be possible when meeting the latter is a necessity because it was a part of their job. Hell, avoiding Hyunjin for two days was already hard and Felix has been cornered for it.

Besides, well, being loved back was out of the options now—isn’t it?

𓇢𓆸

It was a few days later, quite past midnight when it happened.

Considering the dried tears from the corners of his face, he probably cried through his sleep again. Felix swears that it was as if he only blinked through the hours. He was awoken by a burning itch on his lungs, one that made Felix stumble to sit up on his bed to cough up as if his life depended on it. Ice cold hands firmly clutched his chest until his nails imprinted themselves on his skin.

The indigo petals kept on coming out, however, this time it didn’t stop at the petals. From the metallic taste that passed through his mouth and the drops of hot liquid that hit his hand, Felix had no doubts that it was blood. But that wasn’t all, when another blow came, Felix could finally make out a fully blossomed bluebell flower painted with his own blood as it dropped on his bed. Then another came, and another, and another.

Why does it keep on coming? When will this end?

Felix feels his chest tighten, the sudden force had him squirming and groaning in pain all while he bleeds himself dry along with the familiar scarlet covered flowers. It was as though the stem had just squeezed the entirety of his lungs and his heart as it continued to grow inside of him.

The blood gets thicker when it comes. Breathing was suddenly so hard to do. His whole body was shaking, his limbs frozen and stiff and cold. The air in his lungs decreases, so does the air he could take in. The itch beneath his flesh couldn’t be placated—rather, it keeps on getting itchier, like the feeling of formication. As if thousands of insects were inside of him, nipping at every corner of his heart and lungs. His eyes have long been producing tears that drip down his face like a waterfall.

And at every heave, Felix feels like it would be the last breath he’d take in this life.

“Yongbok? Hey, are you alright?”

Felix hears Minho’s voice from outside of his room, albeit only an echo of it has traveled to his ears. As much as he wanted to answer with words, the violent coughing prohibited him from doing so. And possibly, upon hearing the incessant blows of Felix to the point of not being able to answer him properly, Minho turns the knob in worry and lets himself in—turning the lights on in the process.

“Yongbok!”

Minho was quick to tend to Felix, holding the younger in his arms. Quick glance was spared on the bloody bed along with the petals and flowers combined, and Minho didn’t need any further explanation for this to understand what was happening. His eyes were back at the freckled boy whose body was no better than a freezing corpse. The rigidness made Minho hesitate upon moving any part of Felix’s body for a second, before he finally acted on it.

“Alright, sweetheart, can you try taking deep breaths for hyung?” Minho places his own hand on the ones Felix has clenched tightly on his chest, trying to gently take them off. The other one was wrapped around Felix’s shoulder, running up and down to create a form of warmth on Felix’s cold body. Minho sees the younger’s distress as he tries to do what he was told, yet his coughing wouldn’t die down at all. The younger one shakes his head, his fingers and nails sinking down his own throat which Minho tries so hard to pry away—because he knows it hurts him as much as the pain he’s already carrying inside. “Fuck. Baby, just hold on—we’ll get you to the hospital. Seungmin! Jeongin! God—Felix, baby, hold on—try to stay awake, okay?”

Felix has blood dripping down his chin, his face ashen with the moisture of tears running down his cheeks. It was a sight Minho never could have pictured Felix in. A surge of panic bursts within him when he sees Felix breathing fast, his lifeless eyes continue to roll back and Minho he knew that everytime Felix’s irises were able to even spare him a glance—the younger was fighting himself from passing out.

Minho didn’t have any more time to think. All he knew was that he had to get this boy in the hospital as soon as possible, get him there safe and alive. So, when he lifts Felix’s lithe body as he dashes out of the door, he was moving in adrenaline. He even almost bumps into Seungmin who hadn’t had the chance to say something when he saw a bloodied Felix in the older’s arms.

“Call the others and follow us to the hospital, right now!”

Minho stumbles upon one of their managers once he opens their door. No questions asked despite the evident worry on his face, their manager immediately escorted Minho and Felix to the car.

“Hyung, please hurry!” Were the only words that left Minho’s mouth repeatedly, almost like a chant said to their manager as the latter drove them to the hospital.

Taking his eyes off of Felix was so hard to do that Minho couldn’t even bear to. The fear of leaving the younger’s figure even for only a second makes Minho’s skin crawl. Because if he did, and… and something happens, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself.

Minho takes Felix’s hand and intertwines it with his own, having him avoid hurting himself further. “Hold on, Yongbok. Don’t close your eyes, okay?”

The light in the car was on, so Minho could see every petal stained with blood falling from Felix’s mouth and to the car floor. It scares him. It scared him so much that he tried to feel Felix’s heartbeat from his chest to ease himself—his hand never leaving again.

As long as it beats.

𓇢𓆸

The whirring of the air conditioner breaks the silence in the emergency waiting room where it was mostly empty. Upon rushing Felix into the emergency room approximately thirty minutes ago, Minho hasn’t felt this restless in a while. The constant feeling that he has to do something and knowing that he wouldn’t be able to do anything has been battling within themselves inside of Minho. Thirty minutes had passed with him staring blankly at his blood-stained hands that had emanated from Felix earlier. When his members came, Minho didn’t even know if he was able to greet them or explain things to them properly, because he was truly out of it. Maybe, their manager filled them in or something. The emptiness in his eyes was so deep that it was hard to even strike up a conversation, maybe that was why he was left alone by the others.

“Do we… do we know who it is?”

Minho hears it from Chan’s voice when he asks; that same feeling of helplessness that was ravaging his whole being right now. The only difference is that while Minho could deal with immense stress as he sits down, Chan would be the utter opposite—hence as to why he has been pacing since earlier. When Minho finally raises his head, his eyes raked over through the fearfully concerned faces of his members. However,his gaze immediately stops on the familiar figure that he was trying to find.

It was obvious—what Chan’s question was pertaining to. And, as much as Minho would like to play dumb to everything like he has been doing all this time, he couldn’t—not anymore, not when Felix’s life is at stake.

“Has he been seeing someone lately?”

“Was it the girl he’s been linked to a couple of times before?”

“I don’t have any idea. I just observed how he’s been looking very down these days.”

“Me too.”

Changbin purses his lips, eyes then falling to Hyunjin’s hunch figure sitting five seats in front of him. “What about you, Hyunjin? You guys are the closest, didn’t Felix tell you anything?” He asks the latter, to which he only got a disappointing response back.

Hyunjin was aware that such a question was coming for him. However, it still didn’t erase the fact that he couldn’t even give a definite answer to it—like he should have had. “No… he—he didn’t.” Was his response, and somehow, he suddenly felt like there was something he was missing here. His fingers curled at the ends of his sleeves in shame.

God, that’s right. How come he doesn’t even know this thing? How come he’s now also fumbling for answers—one that involves Felix at that? When previously, he would be the first person to know everything there was to know about the freckled boy. Felix is his best friend, for goodness sake. So, how is it that Hyunjin wasn’t even aware of this all? How come he’s as clueless as everyone else here? How come he didn’t even recognize any signs of Felix suffering from this painful disease? How come he only felt the distance between them now that it has already widened far too much?

It wasn’t that too many things just changed overnight, rather, Felix slowly and gradually brought pieces of himself into the dark—and Hyunjin just thought that the dimness was a momentary flicker of the light, until he grew accustomed to it.

As if sensing Hyunjin’s internal crisis, Minho decided to pour some whiskey into the already blazing fire. “Are you now asking yourself how come you’ve missed this?” Minho starts, and some of his members look at him—only to see how the former was actually looking at Hyunjin. At first, Hyunjin was even quite confused as to why everyone seemed to be staring at him, until his eyes met his hyung’s empty ones. “Are you… really unaware?” A crease forms on Minho’s forehead when he sees Hyunjin’s expression.

“W-what are you…?”

Ah, Yongbok.

Minho suddenly lets out a small, sarcastic laugh—tipping his head back as he glares at the ceiling—and yet, there was absolutely no humor in his laughter.

I don’t know whether to be mad or to feel sorry for you.

Sometimes, Minho has thoughts about how much of an open book Hyunjin was. Years of living with the latter had him questioning himself about whether he could truly see through Hyunjin and his authentic thoughts and feelings. There are times that he thinks Hyunjin surprises him with his unpredictability. Just when Minho thought he had already grasped the younger’s mood and thoughts—it would turn out he was wrong. Maybe, it's just that, Hyunjin was a book that only allows one to read up until a certain page. 

Minho knew; he knew he wasn’t in any position to say this—but who will? In Felix’s condition, would he even be able to? Besides, Minho would like to take advantage of anything that could improve—if not solve Felix’s situation altogether.

“It’s you, Hyunjin.”

Six pairs of eyes blinked at Minho, somewhat confused—more so the owner or the name mentioned. Minho declared the words as calmly as he could, but he knew how the weight of those words struck each and everyone of his bandmates.

Chan was the first to react however, his serious face when he grabs Minho’s wrist was enough evidence of how grave their current situation is. “Hey, are you sure about this?” Their leader asks, “Minho, if this is just another assumption—” Chan cuts himself off when Minho turns to look at him, and perhaps, the look on the latter’s face was enough for Chan to confirm the answer for himself. The young leader lets go of Minho and palms his face as a defeated breath escapes him, “Fuck.”

“What? So, it really is Hyunjin?” Jeongin whispers to himself as he watches everyone’s face. “What… what do we do now, then?”

What else?

Minho takes a deep breath before he looks at Hyunjin once again, the latter’s emotions plastered all over his face. It was almost pitiable. But Minho needs the truth before they proceed to what should be the best thing to do now—even at the cost of being cruel.

“Well, do you love him?”

Silence, just cryptic silence enveloped them when Minho directly asked Hyunjin the most important question. Everyone seems to be holding their breath as they look at Hyunjin with their swollen eyes from crying too much already. Feeling the pressure coming from his friends, Hyunjin suddenly felt conflicted about what to say. But Minho didn’t give him enough time to even be confused as his hyung interfered almost immediately.

“Hyunjin, just give me the truth.”

Gritting his teeth, Hyunjin could only look away from his friends’ prying eyes as he answered with a heavy heart.

The truth…?

“I… I do. I love him.”

Minho lets out a sad smile. Chan shuts his eyes close, along with his fists. Changbin promptly pats Jisung’s back who broke out into a sob while wiping his own tears. Seungmin and Jeongin hug each other tightly, enough to somehow unburden themselves of the pain.

It was because they knew, somehow. All of these would lead to the answer that Hyunjin has uttered—and while it was the incontestable truth, it held the kind of sincerity that doesn’t align with what Felix needs.

“Hyung, you should tell Yongbok’s family about the surgery. And if they consent, then we’ll proceed with it.”

Hyunjin was quick to lift his head when Minho’s voice penetrated his ears. And when he looks at everyone else, he doesn’t understand why they have such defeated looks on their faces. “Hyung? Hyung why—wha—what’s going on?” The panic bursted in and Hyunjin was starting to feel it in surging waves. “Why… why are you talking about the surgery? D-didn’t… didn’t I say that I do love Felix? Hyung!”

When tears pooled in Hyunjin’s eyes, Minho quickly stepped in and embraced the younger. “Shh, I know, I know. Of course, you love Felix, Hyunjin-ah.” Minho’s voice was gentle as he caressed Hyunjin back in an attempt to soothe him. “It’s just that, the love you can give him is not the kind of love that Felix needs from you. And… that… it’s not your fault, alright?” As soon as these words were said, Hyunjin was already breaking apart in Minho’s arms—and the others could only listen to his heart wrenching sobs, because truthfully, there was nothing they could do in this matter.

Hyunjin wails loudly in the empty waiting room, clutching his hyung’s shirt in his closed fists. “I—I do love him, hyung! This—there must be a-another way, please!” There wasn’t anything that could stop the tears that kept on falling from his eyes. “I—I could try t-to give him the l-love he needs! Time—j-just give me some time!”

But, time was something that they don’t have.

As much as Hyunjin tries his best to fill his own cup to catch up with Felix’s already overflowing one, it wouldn’t change a thing. Apart from this, if Hyunjin were to force himself to love Felix the way the latter wanted Hyunjin to love him—how real could that love be? Because to Minho, there would only be little to no genuinity in a relationship founded by something one only feels compelled to do. And he doesn’t want that for both of them, they deserve better than that.

There wasn’t any other way to go about this other than the surgery now. Sure, it would truly come with dire consequences but as long as Felix would come back to them alive and well, then that’s all that they would ever want.

“H-hyung, I… I don’t want him to forget me.”

Minho swallows down a choked response, and instead tightens the arms that were wrapped around Hyunjin. The younger was no doubt taking this harder than everyone else, because once the surgery proceeds—it would only be him that’s going to be erased from Felix’s memories—and that’s… it’s going to be hard.

I know.

“I’m sorry, Hyunjin.”

𓇢𓆸

Hyunjin has never been this scared nor nervous before, not even when he went and tried his luck for a debut to be an idol. The utter dread in his heart couldn’t be satiated by calming words or any sweets anymore. And, that’s how he knew it was bad.

Three months—three whole months after a very emotional day and here he is, in front of Felix’s hospital room with a bouquet of gorgeous lilies and forget-me-not flowers in hand. After the surgery was done, Felix had fallen into a coma—which was a common occurrence accompanied by the surgery. He was stable but the success of the surgery would be known once Felix woke up.

So help me, God.

A scoff was heard from behind him and when he turned, he saw Minho leaning on a wall watching him shake around with bored eyes. “If you don’t open the damn door now, I swear to God I will—mmph!” Chan covers the latter’s mouth with his hand as he smiles at Hyunjin.

“Take your time, Hyunjin-ah.”

Hyunjin lets out a little smile as he looks at his friends, taking courage from their cheering stances. All of them had already sat and talked to the freckled boy inside the room, all except Hyunjin. As per Hyunjin’s request, he told everyone not to mention his name or anything regarding himself to Felix once they each spoke with him, which the other members honored.

It’s okay, Hyunjin. It’s Felix, you know Felix.

Taking a deep breath, Hyunjin knocks on the door three times before carefully twisting the door knob. Hyunjin has been inside of here before too, but not when Felix was awake, sitting up and staring at him curiously—much like now. Upon landing his gaze on the freckled boy, Hyunjin could feel familiarity in his heart. Felix looks the same. Although, his lithe figure seems to have thinned by a little but still quite noticeable. The freckles that littered his face were as gorgeous as ever. Most importantly, it was those eyes—those eyes that held no recognition of him that drags Hyunjin back to the reality that while he believes nothing big seems to have changed—specks of everything has.

The understanding of this fact came abrupt, yet also quite expected by Hyunjin. However, it doesn’t necessarily mean that it was not as painful to accept. No, his heart was like a stress ball being squeezed to its extent with only a few moments to breathe. It was more so when Felix blinked at him before his chapped lips curved upward into a confused and awkward smile.

“Hi.”

Hyunjin’s breath hitched, a little gasp escaping past his lips when he heard Felix’s voice as he greets him. The sound tickled his ears as if teasing him—and Hyunjin has only little to no self-control when it comes to such things. In short, a reaction was always bound to be emitted.

One example would be stepping back and shutting the door to Felix’s hospital room.

Oh, god.

The sound definitely caught the ears of the other members waiting outside. They stared at Hyunjin’s back for some time with wide eyes, wondering what had just happened for the latter to quickly come out as soon as he came in. However, just as a worried Chan was about to reach out and speak to Hyunjin to console him or whatnot, the dancer was quick to take in a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside again.

“I think there’s something wrong with Hyunjin.” Seungmin says, shaking his head before making himself comfortable on the seats by laying down on them, continuing his sleep.

Hyunjin, unaware of the discussion going behind his back, tries his best to courageously look Felix—who was still dumbfounded—in the eyes. The unbearable pain of contemplating whether to step forward or remain in his position has bothered Hyunjin immensely, although it’s not as noticeable. Acting on it, Hyunjin takes a few steps forward just until he is a few meters aways from Felix’s hospital bed.

“I, uh, s-sorry about that.” Hyunjin lets out an awkward laugh, “But here, it’s for you! I bought it on the way here and… yeah…” Hyunjin trails off after offering the bouquet to Felix, immediately retrieving his hands as if to avoid any skin contact with the freckled boy. And if Felix tries to analyze his actions, he would think that Hyunjin might be seeing him as someone with a physically contractible disease. 

Felix, as the sunshine he is, remains unbothered with Hyunjin’s questionable acts and instead smiles as he takes the flowers dropped on his comforter-covered lap. “Thank you, they’re very beautiful.” He comments as he admires the arrangement before moving his eyes back to Hyunjin. “But, could I have your name? I’m afraid I don’t recall having the chance to meet you.” Apologetic smile creeps on Felix’s face as he holds on to the bouquet.

Right… he… he has forgotten me.

If Hyunjin were to describe what it feels like to have your heart pierced by a sharp, invisible blade—then it was what he’s feeling right now. The pain inflicted by those words that fell directly into his heart was unmatched by everything hurtful he’s ever felt before. It took Hyunjin a long time to accept that the surgery accompanied by the freckled boy forgetting him was the only way to save Felix. But he had to, in the end—because in that way, at the very least, Hyunjin could hold on to Felix—tangibly and with all of his warmth.

“I… my name is Hyunjin.” He smiles as he says this, albeit a little forced.

You once knew that.

𓇢𓆸

Another four months flew by, Felix got better and soon joined them in preparing for their next comeback. The concern about Felix’s absence from the few group activities for the last three months he was in a coma was handled by the company—telling the public that Felix apparently had been sick and was recuperating during those times. And regarding Felix and Hyunjin’s relationship, well, white lies have been fed into the younger’s head to avoid having the topic of unrequited love, the petals, and coughing up blood from being discussed. The group feared that the freckled boy would remember it all, and have to suffer the same fate again—the point of the surgery becoming meaningless. Besides, once done was already a grave operation but twice would be even more critical. If one’s heart continues to suffer from the disease far too many times—even surgery wouldn’t be able to help them anymore. Even if Felix were to one day come to know of what truly went down with his wiped out memories for Hyunjin, it was something they would deal with in another time.

On the other hand, everyone doesn’t know whether to be surprised or not by the fact that Hyunjin and Felix took no further time to even get closer—more so than they were before. It was a spectacle for the other members whenever they saw the two together laughing and joking around. While it was no contest for Felix, their sunshine, to be very active and friendly—it was a little different when it comes to Hyunjin. The latter was amazing—in Chan’s words, for being able to let out a huge and genuine grin, swallow down the words that might cause Felix’s memories to stream far, and to hold back from telling the younger one that Hyunjin knows every single thing that Felix was telling Hyunjin about.

Like now.

“I absolutely loved the hotpot there! It was so delicious. I’ve been wanting to go back ever since.”

Hyunjin hums, a small fond smile displaying on his lips. A hand running through the thin of Felix’s newly dyed silver hair whose head laid on his lap while animatedly talking about a place he liked. The sparkling gems that decorated his eyes bring forth an even more glowing aura with him. Felix looked very pretty as he smiled, eyes locking with Hyunjin as he looked at him from below.

Of course, you do. I was with you then.

Different from his thoughts, Hyunjin could only give Felix another grin. “I see, then if I’m not mistaken, you have enjoyed yourself?” He asks instead.

Felix’s head moves quickly from Hyunjin’s lap as he nods enthusiastically. “Yes! I mean…” The smile from his face suddenly diminishes slowly as his eyes begin to unfocus—seemingly staring at nothingness. “What I mean is…” The freckled boy shakes his head, “Sorry. I just… I feel like I’m missing something…”

Hyunjin watches as a frown soon draws into the younger’s face, as if trying his best to recall what it was. In panic and fear that Felix would remember something and it takes a toll on him, Hyunjin gulps and pinches the latter’s cheek—distracting his friend successfully. “Stop thinking too hard about it. The frown on your forehead might just stay there forever.” Hyunjin grins teasingly as he taps Felix’s forehead.

“Stop it already!” Felix flicks his hand away with a groan, “You made me lose my train of thought just when I felt like I was going to remember something.” He huffs, pursing his lips as he glares at his friend.

Laughing, Hyunjin scratches the bottom of Felix’s chin in order to placate the angry cat. “Alright, I’m sorry. Then, how about I just take you to that hotpot place you’ve been talking about so much as a compensation?” Hyunjin says.

Well, this much is fine, right? Besides, the way Felix’s eyes immediately lit up when he said those words was more or less saying how utterly worth it his suggestion was.

Felix promptly sat up, facing Hyunjin. Strands of his hair flying all over the place, and the sight of him beaming so brightly at Hyunjin makes the latter’s own lips curve upwards even more. “Okay! I was just going to invite you just now, too. Let’s go during our rest day this week. This is great, I’m excited!” Felix even squeals a little, his cheeks bulging from smiling too much.

“Yes, let’s do that.” Hyunjin reaches out, his hand immediately stroking the stray hairs inline with all of Felix’s hair. He pats Felix’s head once he is done, and while looking at the latter gently he says, “Let’s do whatever Lixie wants.”

Meanwhile, Felix couldn’t help but have his gaze linger on his friend for a moment. A strike of something quite similar to a lightning on his chest had him cupping the said part of his body. The same little frown slowly crawled its way on his face. The feeling he felt just now, while he was sure it was new—it seems so strangely familiar. Like he has been through this before.

Could it be the accident that I was into that I just can’t seem to remember no matter how hard I try?

However, as he looks at Hyunjin… the feeling changes into something light, warm, and hopeful—but it comes back, that same sting that pinches on his heart. It persisted to cling on that happy emotion, like a thorny stem claiming the vacancy around a rose. Furthermore, it felt suffocating as it stayed longer than it should.

“Lix? Are you okay?”

Felix felt warmth on his face, and his attention was then again diverted to Hyunjin and away from those intrusive thoughts. However, just as he thought he escaped them—he meets Hyunjin’s eyes. This time, apart from the concern it shows, somehow, Felix was able to see something more. Perhaps triggered by the emotions he felt earlier, the irises that he’s looking at seem to have flashed events that Felix has no idea if they were real.

Suddenly, he sees himself sitting inside a restaurant, exactly the one he has been blabbering about earlier. The food he said he ordered was there, the hotpot, and even two glasses of beer—why are there two glasses? Did he come with someone? No, he remembers it, he… he came alone. He did, right?

The memory was vague, however, when he lifted his head up, in front of him was a smiling Hyunjin. The long blonde hair that he surely doesn’t have right now, falls from either side of his face. Then he reaches out a hand, leaning in a little as it goes over the table—and all the way toward Felix’s direction, the side of his lips to be precise—sliding off gently twice. Felix could hear the hearty chuckle Hyunjin let out.

“You like it so much, huh?”

“Slow down on the food, we can just order more.”

“Ah, what a messy eater!”

And like clockwork that has already counted time far too long, everything fades to the present. Along this came a sudden ache in Felix’s heart and temple simultaneously. The pain has him shutting his eyes close, and just then noticing the tears that have been pooling in his eyes as they dropped.

“Felix! What’s wrong? Tell me, what hurts?”

Felix could hear Hyunjin’s overly panicked voice, the latter’s hands placed on both of his shoulders in a firm grip—and he’s thankful for that, because honestly, if Hyunjin wasn’t there to steady him—Felix might have already melted to the ground.

“What’s wrong?”

“Lix, are you okay?”

“What happened?”

Soon enough, Felix hears the voices of his members from around them. The decibel of Hyunjin’s voice did go too far earlier.

“I-I’m okay, guys.” Felix holds his forehead, giving out a little smile. “I just… felt a little fatigued. I’ll be okay, I promise.”

It’s better off known only by me for now.

While he received concern and slightly disbelieving looks from his friends, they all nodded and dispersed after giving Felix some head pats and reminder of not straining his body. Until all that was left on the sofa was him and Hyunjin, again.

“I saw you.”

Felix hums, looking at his friend.

Hyunjin has a serious look on his face, but the worry in his eyes betrayed him. “You were clutching your chest tightly, Felix. You…” Hyunjin chews on his lips before he continues, “...you shouldn’t hide it from me if you feel sick or just in pain in general, okay? I…” Felix watches as Hyunjin takes in a deep, ragged breath, “I can’t have you slipping away from me and I end up not being able to do anything about it.”

Again.

Hyunjin takes Felix’s hands in his. Then he stares at them, tremblingly—he holds them. Glad at the warmth that immediately washes in and greets him. Completely opposite of how icy cold it was then.

I can’t let you go through that again.

A squeeze pressed back onto his hands, he looks at Felix then. The gray-haired boy was smiling at him with his glistening eyes and he said the words that Hyunjin found immediate assurance in.

“I will, Jinnie.”

And Hyunjin trusted that he would.

𓇢𓆸

There was something horribly wrong with Hyunjin.

At first, Minho thought that it was just a reflex that the latter contracted after Felix’s surgery. The clinginess, the gentleness, and the utter yielding to everything Felix wanted—all of it Minho deemed normal for a while, because to be honest, all of the other members were like that to Felix at some point. However, while everyone had this innate gentleness reserved entirely for Felix that was amplified by the post surgery, their dynamics soon returned back to normal.

But, not Hyunjin.

Rather, the boy seems to have only gotten ten times clingier, gentler, and too much of a sucker for Felix even after months has passed by. It was almost laughable. While Minho had already begun suspecting something was amiss a few weeks prior, he only decided to confront Hyunjin tonight.

“Is it what I think it is?”

Silence was what Hyunjin offered to him in return. Minho sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose as he leans back to the balcony.

“Hyunjin, you—”

“I didn’t force this, hyung.”

Minho stops talking immediately when Hyunjin cuts him off. He hears the younger sigh before he looks right at Minho, the seriousness in his face makes the older of the two take this matter even more seriously now.

“It’s just… fuck, I didn’t even know how it happened.” Hyunjin cackles softly, “It just felt as though one moment I see him as someone I wanted to keep close and protect, someone I wanted to build more memories with me than he has forgotten, someone I consider my friend.” Hyunjin rakes a hand through his hair in frustration, as if it would make it better somehow. “But then, when I suddenly found myself contemplating how I see him now or how I behave around him changed, it wouldn’t take a fool to guess what was happening.”

Ah, Minho thinks. It’s not that things had just magically shifted overnight—rather, Hyunjin must have found Felix’s lost hand in the dark and held it tight as the morning light came, until he figured out that letting go was not even an option he wanted to take.

“Besides, what kind of person wonders how soft their best friend’s lips could be? What kind of person gets disappointed when they couldn’t see their best friend for only a little while? And what kind of person gets excited when they finally arrive? How could someone not notice how deep they have already fallen when constantly, they seek out that certain person every day—and when they look at the crowd, there is only one face in their mind that they wish to find? How could I possibly not notice something like this when it’s happening to me?”

Minho raises his eyes to look at the dark sky above them, not responding to the rhetorical question Hyunjin pertains to himself. Instead, he listens.

Somehow, at some point, Minho began to wonder about the mysteries that love hides deep within her. Love was described to be sweet, an addicting delicacy that dates a thousand years before and would fare for more in the lives of people. Love is a feeling, one that shares both happiness, sadness, and rage of a person to their lover. Love could even be a choice, pursued by many every day and gambled into by some for one day. But love, Minho thinks that love could be a cruel thing too. It makes you weep, makes you weak, makes you a target of so many dangers in the world—because you let down your defenses, all because of love. It hurts you—it smothers you with unbearable pain, crushes you until you have no choice but to let yourself succumb into that unending torment.

Felix and Hyunjin are just two of the victims who unfortunately suffered in its wake.

How cruel it is—to fall now after the person you realized your feelings for has already crawled up from the pit of love that they dived themselves into?

“What do you plan to do now, then?” Minho asks, genuinely curious about how Hyunjin would progress after this talk.

Minho has a lot of possible reactions in mind that Hyunjin would wear at the question. There was the one with his face again bathed with tears that fell into his cheeks, dripping from the lines of his jaw. Or a frown, a confused, invigorating furrowed brow that held his utter bewilderment of what actions to make next. Minho, however, when he glances at Hyunjin’s face—never expected there to be a fond smile that couldn’t be let up by anything in this world. The glimmer in his eyes was a light that couldn’t be diffused so easily by the dark, he wouldn’t let it so.

“What else is there—if not to wait?”

With a small sound of a laugh, Minho grins too. The calmness in Hyunjin’s voice rang, and yet there was this quip of confidence that tells him—this wait would be one that bears every fruit there was.

“Well, I hope you know that time would be your most difficult opponent in this matter. It won’t be merciful, nor will it stop if you so much as ask.” Minho sighs, “I’m sure you know this more than anyone else.”

Minho was confident that Hyunjin does. Of course, he watched Felix get so lost in that passage of time, he watched him break and shatter in that hospital bed—praying for him to wake up soon. Perhaps, Minho said it as a warning, much so as it was a bid of good luck. That as much as he would like to wait, he must be aware of how much time has passed by—and how much of it has been taken away as he does so.

Once Minho has gone back inside, Hyunjin leans back into the railings of the balcony as he looks up at the little stars that decorated the sky. The beam they emit was not so much to the point of having blind him—just enough to pick out a sense of light from the darkness of the vast pool of black.

Everything he confessed to Minho, he meant all of them. While Hyunjin just wanted to restore, or possibly, just create a whole new batch of memories with Felix—and unknowingly, he began to crave for more. It was a gradual change, something unplanned and unexpected, but Hyunjin didn’t find anything wrong with it. It just somehow felt natural—as if by fate, it was bound to end up there just like that.

Perhaps, all along, it was how things were supposed to fall into place. Hyunjin just, indeed, needed more time. However, Felix was fading too quickly then, time was not on their side. Maybe, even now.

However, Hyunjin already made a promise to himself—a promise meant for Felix.

“At this time, if by some miracle, Felix falls in love once again—he wouldn’t be the only one falling.”