Chapter Text
After their final goodbye, Yelan did not think she would ever see him again. She went her separate way, he went his, and everything they had in the depths of the Chasm was to be forgotten and pushed to the back of their minds, like it had never happened at all, like it was nothing.
Though her heart aches, she is aware that she cannot stand to be in his presence after the endeavour they had, that it will harm her; she knows that if they meet again, all she will want to do is jump back into his arms and relive everything once more.
Solemn glances are exchanged should they have briefly met, and then they were back on their way, avoiding each other and pushing everything even farther down, hiding the desperate yearning that bubbled in their hearts.
The memories that she pushed to the back of her mind resurface from time to time, ripping the stitches from her wounded heart, everything they used to do in the dead night, away from the rest of the group, coming back to haunt her and hover over her, lingering in her head for what seems like eternity.
In the dead of night, when the memories have begun to resurface, her heart aches for him, resisting the urge to go out and find him, fall into his arms and talk everything out; sometimes, it feels like she just cannot live without him; the bond they created is far too strong to break, no matter how hard they may try.
As the months pass, each day that goes by tests her heart and mind, her desire for him growing to ridiculously high amounts; she just misses him more and more, begging for her mind to just let her forget about what they had before. She busies herself with trivial matters, hoping to distract herself from the burning flames in her heart, and when she is not working, she is sleeping, or she is drunk on something, whether it be wine or hard liquor, preferring to sit with a blank mind rather than drowning in the feeling of her inevitable yearning.
On this rather lonely night, she is already on her 4th glass of wine, her mind already feeling woozy, head in her arm, the other one stretched out across the table she was slumped on, clutching the glass with a grip so strong it could shatter. The bottle was more than half empty, and she knows that if she doesn’t stop herself soon, she’ll drink the whole thing, but the feeling is, well, intoxicating, and she just can’t get enough.
She prefers when her thoughts are buzzing, when it is hard to even hear the sound of her own breathing, and when it is hard to keep a coherent thought. Never in her life had she drank so much before, being drunk nearly every night since their split, but it was the only way to keep her mind steady; however, if she has too much, it can also lead to her doing stupid things.
Moaning sadly into her arm, her words are slurred and barely comprehensible, hand shaking as the wine spills, “I miss you so much, Xiao…” And though she tried to somehow reach him, her plea was to no avail. He would never hear her, nor would he come, even if she wanted him to. Raising her head from the table, she downs the rest of her glass, slamming it back down and grabbing the bottle to pour more.
At this point, she was definitely too drunk, words slurred and mind blank, eyes flickering across the dimly lit room, like he would suddenly appear and sweep her off her feet. Yelan knows it will not happen, but regardless, the idea stays in her head, bugging her as she continues to drink from the glass, practically chugging the alcohol.
Suddenly, she is still for a few moments, her drunk brain coming up with an idea that her sober side wants to throw out the window. Almost like a lightbulb turned on in her mind, she gets the brilliant idea to scream his name, like she was getting murdered; she remembered the time he told her that if she ever needed him, to call his name and he will come… Her logical side wants to push this idea down, knowing it won’t be good for her at all, that the second her drunk self sees him she will want to run into his arms and stay there forever; however, she pushes down the logical side of herself, choosing to instead go with what her heart wants.
“Xiao!”
As soon as she wails his name, he is there in an instant, eyes scanning the room and then finally falling upon her pathetic, drunk self. She is sat at the table, slumped over, head in her arm and the other one yet again stretched out across the table and holding her glass of wine.
Carefully, he stepped closer to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, “Are you… alright?”
The sudden hand on her shoulder frightened her, causing her to shoot up, the glass of wine spilling all over the table and in turn, on her as well. Xiao jumps back, and then immediately begins apologizing, panic in his voice, looking around for something to clean the mess up with.
Finally, her senses return to her, and she abruptly stands up, tears filling her eyes, beginning to blubber loudly as she stands there, soaked in wine. Xiao was a little bit confused, but it clicked rather quickly, and her stepped closer to her once more, pity in his gaze.
He had never seen her so… sad. He had never seen her so intoxicated, either; judging by the looks of the bottle, it was her 4th or 5th glass by the time he arrived, and he felt awful watching her wail in front of him, tripping over her words, even if they were incoherent due to how drunk she was.
“I’m…. so sorry, I… I miss you, so bad, I needed you…” Her words were slurred and almost incoherent, but he managed to understand them, shaking his head.
“No. It’s… okay. I don’t mind. But you’re drunk… really drunk,” He pauses for a minute, seeming to think over his next choice of words, “Come here.”
His arms open, and within seconds, she’s hugged him, crying, sinking to the floor as he holds her. She knows that she should’ve resisted the temptation to call for him, that she would’ve been better off without it, but she truly thought she wouldn’t be able to live another day without being in his arms one last time.
And maybe she seemed pathetic, crying so hard that she can’t breathe, grasping at his clothing and trying to pull herself even closer to him, if it was possible; she lost control of herself, and it was something she knows she will regret come morning.
He’s gentle, rubbing her back, fondly whispering to her, all while she continues to blubber like a baby in his arms, one that just cannot be soothed no matter how hard someone tries. She feels awful, soaked in wine, getting it all over his clothing, but he doesn’t seem to mind, not even saying a word about it; he just continues to try and soothe her, figuring that she just needed to let everything out.
Yelan absolutely reeks of wine, a scent that he was definitely not familiar with, but as he sat and held her, he learned that it was one he didn’t mind. Slowly, she began to calm down, the shaking of her body ceasing, whispering, “I’m sorry I’m so… drunk, I…”
Xiao cut her off, shushing her gently, “It’s okay. We can talk more about it when you’re sober.”
Several minutes go by, and they hold each other, silence falling between them. Rain slammed against the windows of her small home, the whistling breeze accompanying the weather, and it felt fitting for the situation that they were in.
They do not address the past, nor they do think about it, rather, they live in the moment. She is in need of assurance, and if she wants him to be there, he will gladly help her, no matter what. Even if their history together holds a great deal of pain and suffering, the painful moments outweighing the happy, he will be there for her if she so desires it.
“Xiao…” She mumbles, her voice strained and raspy from all the crying she had done.
“Hm?”
“I want to kiss you again.” Though blunt and straightforward, there is a hint of shyness in her words; perhaps it was the alcohol that was giving the impression, but nonetheless, her words shocked him.
He was silent for a few seconds, before sighing quietly, “I know you do. I know you miss me, I miss you too, but you’re really drunk, and we… we should talk about this when you’re sober.”
Yelan hooks her arms around his neck, humming an acknowledgement of his words, and she clings to him like a child, body weak and trembling. He stands up, picking her up with him, feeling her legs wrap around his waist as he carries her to her bedroom, laying her down on the bed; he knew that likely, she was tired, as it was well past midnight and she was already drunk as is. He is sure that her exhaustion is well beyond the point it should be.
“Do you want to change your shirt? You’re kind of soaked in wine,” Xiao looks down at her, noticing how dazed she was, and if he learned anything from Zhongli’s teachings, Yelan was sure to wake up with a dreadful hangover.
She was completely still, and he shook her slightly, prompting a hum of agreement out of her. It seems that her words have failed her already, the exhaustion she feels taking over her drunk brain, preferring to just stare up at him with a solemn gaze.
Xiao nods and heads to what he assumes is her closet, popping in and then coming back out with a fresh change of clothing, “Okay… do you want to change yourself or will you need my help?” He feels awkward asking such a question, but in her state, he’s not even sure if she can move.
“Help…”
“Alright,” He smiles, beginning to help her change her clothes, practically peeling the soaked shirt from her wet skin, tossing it into the laundry bin. Her entire chest was stained with red, and there was no use trying to get it off, knowing that it likely wouldn’t budge.
He wipes the wetness from her chest before putting the clean shirt on her, and though he tries to fight it, he leans down and kisses her on the forehead after getting the shirt on her. Yelan hardly seems to register it, only looking up at him with a dazed smile on her face, the blush on her cheeks deepening.
“You should go to sleep. I know you’ll wake up feeling awful tomorrow,” He sits on the edge of the bed, looking at her, watching her pull the covers onto her body and sigh, seeming to not even hear him. Within a couple of seconds, she’s out like a light, her breathing soft and calm, indicating that she has passed out.
He stands up, walking over to the other side of the bed and sitting down, anxiety growing in his heart; he is nervous for what the morning will bring, how she will react to her foolishness of the previous night, knowing that she is quite hard on herself when she does silly things, but perhaps she will be too hungover to remember. Though, he knows that she will likely remember everything, and that fact gives him a little bit of anxiety.
His eyes fall on her once again, admiring her sleeping form, how peaceful and calm she looks; a dreadful contrast to her earlier self. The way she wailed in his arms will be something that sticks in his mind for years to come, haunting his dreams and keeping him up at night. It was awful to watch her be so upset when he had never seen her like that before; the strong front that she usually kept was breaking with each day that passed, due to the messy split they had, and he felt horrible about it.
One day soon, they’ll figure it all out, and then it will be okay again.
But that day may not be anytime soon; it may take a while, there are a lot of wounds left unhealed, wounds that need bandaging and stitching, but they will fix it together; they can learn to love again, and even if it takes time, a long time, it is still a step toward the end goal of loving each other healthily.
Maybe tonight was a night of pure desperation, one that might not happen again, but it was the grounding they needed. They can’t run from each other forever, they must talk it out, figure it out, even through all the hurt and suffering that their history holds. They can’t avoid each other any longer. It has already caused so much pain; any more and it’s likely one of them would have gone insane.
He scoots closer to her, leaning down and leaving another kiss on her forehead, before whispering to her, “We’ll figure it out. I’m sorry.”
When she wakes up in the morning, he is ready for the lengthy talk, one that may take hours, but it is one he is willing to sit through regardless. He loves her far too much to let her go, and he can tell that she shares a similar sentiment for him, proved by her actions tonight.
They can learn to love again. Even though it will take so much time, they’re willing to fix it all; they’re willing to sacrifice anything just to be with each other again. Like true soulmates.
The thread that connects them to each other never truly broke, even in all their desperate attempts to let go of each other, the pain in their hearts weighing them down immensely; if anything, it just got stronger, despite all everything they had tried to do so it would break.
It will always be worth it, everything they’ve gone through, because it pulls them together and bonds them to each other.
They will figure it out.
It’s only a matter of time.