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Dearest stranger,
I do hope this finds you well. Someone dear to my heart recently suggested to me that I might do well to expand my circle of friends into Watatsumi Island now that that silly war is over, so I instructed this dimwitted little messenger bird to find the cutest girl on the island and deliver this letter into her hands and her hands alone. She’ll wait for a reply, so please do take your time in composing one.
Kokomi looks up from the letter to give Kujou Sara a flat stare.
“You have no idea what this says, do you?” she asks.
“I do not,” the tengu agrees calmly. “The Lady Guuji instructed me to visit your office and deliver it to you in private as soon as the first day of preliminary negotiatons had concluded, claiming it was important diplomatic material for the eyes of the Divine Priestess alone.”
“Right,” Kokomi sighs. “Of course she did.”
She ignores the confused noise the tengu utters, returning her attention to the letter in her hands.
As we seek to move beyond the tragedies of the past, friendship and mutual support will be essential, and I hope to find you to be of like mind to myself in pursuing such things. I understand, of course, that trust cannot be asked without offering trust in return, and so I will grant you this fascinating piece of information:
My wife simply adores sweets.
Your secret admirer,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
“Give me a moment, please,” Kokomi murmurs, brow furrowing in thought.
If she remembers correctly, then…
Yes. She does still have a few sweets stashed at the back of her desk drawer, where her shrine maidens kindly pretend not to be aware of them. They’re all Watatsumi Island specialties, mostly flavored sugar in the shape of sea life, and she suspects the Raiden Shogun might find them a novel gift.
She swiftly packages them in front of Kujou Sara’s baffled gaze, then dashes off a reply letter.
Kokomi solemnly hands both to the general, whose confusion is somehow still visibly growing, and sends her on her way.
Pen pals with the Lady Guuji of the Grand Narukami Shrine, is it?
Kokomi can think of much worse ways to spend her time.
Dear Fried Tofu with All the Frills,
Your kind letter was a very nice surprise. I very much agree that hostility between Narukami and Watatsumi benefits nobody save our mutual enemies, and would love to strike up a friendship with you — and perhaps your wife as well, someday? I’ve enclosed a small token of my esteem for her in honor of our correspondence.
“She’s quite the sweet little fish,” Miko notes thoughtfully.
“So are these,” Ei agrees. “She has good taste.”
Miko looks over to find her wife laying on her back, dangling a semi-transparent little pink-and-blue candy fish in front of her eyes thoughtfully.
Miko chuckles softly, shaking her head.
“A different sort of sweet, I think,” she muses. “Though who knows? Maybe we should sample her and find out…”
“Miko,” Ei warns. “We are not going to bite the Divine Priestess of Watatsumi Island.”
“What if she asks us to bite her?” Miko challenges.
“…Then it’s okay, I guess,” Ei agrees reluctantly. “But only if she actually asks, without you tricking her into it.”
“Fine,” Miko huffs. “You’re no fun.”
“And you haven’t finished reading the letter,” Ei counters.
Miko laughs and returns her attention to the letter. She’s very curious about how the cute little Divine Priestess will have chosen to name herself, after all.
A secret for a secret: while I’m generally thought to have little interest in leisure activities, the truth is that I’m a huge fan of light novels from the Yae Publishing House. Would you happen to have any recommendations?
“‘Would I happen to have any recommendations?’” Miko repeats incredulously. “Where to even begin?”
“Send her the kitsune guuji one,” Ei says through a mouthful of what appears to be a large sugar crab. “It was funny, and she deserves a laugh at my expense after everything I put her through. Reading about the loser shogun should be just what she needs.”
“An excellent choice,” Miko agrees thoughtfully. “I think I’ll do exactly that.”
I’ve never really had a pen pal before, so I’m not sure how to continue this… I hope you can bear with me as I learn!
Yours,
Sole of the Deep
Miko can’t even bring herself to speak the pen name that the ridiculous little Divine Priestess has chosen, too consumed by laughter.
“What is it?” Ei asks, shifting so she can rest her head on Miko’s shoulder and peer down at the letter… and more importantly, at the absurd set of characters that concludes it. “What did she… Oh.”
Miko feels Ei dissolve into laughter against her back, which sets off another round of her own giggles.
“Ushinoshita? Sole?” Ei manages to gasp out. “She… she called herself a tonguefish? Why? They’re so ugly!”
“I haven’t a clue,” Miko wheezes. “Really, she’s not boring at all… You were right, Ei, corresponding with her will certainly be worth my time.”
She presses a kiss to the corner of Ei’s pleased smile, then sets about drafting a reply. There’s no time like the present, after all.
To the lovely Sole of the Deep,
You have my thanks for the gift — my wife requested that I tell you she loved them, and would be very interested in acquiring more. I must say, it was quite entertaining watching how eagerly she devoured those cute little fish…
Alongside this letter I’ve included both a light novel that my wife was eager to recommend to you and a unique omamori of my own design. Should you attach it to your return package, it will bring it to me in a flash — and I will then be able to make use of it to send my response to the location from which the package was sent. It’s rather more convenient than waiting weeks for a boat to make the trip between our islands, don’t you think?
I hope things on Watatsumi Island have been going well for you lately. For my part, I’ve encountered a rash of strikingly bad business luck — I swear, half of my employees could be replaced with straw dolls and I wouldn’t even notice the difference!
Perhaps I should consider doing that, in fact. At least a straw doll wouldn’t expect to draw a salary while neglecting doing any work at all… or worse, doing it.
At any rate, I will be eagerly awaiting your thoughts on the included light novel. I suspect you’ll find it most entertaining indeed…
Dreaming of sweet little candy fish,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
Dear Fried Tofu with All the Frills,
I’m glad your wife enjoyed the gift. I’ve included some more in this package, enough that I hope it will last her some time.
The omamori was a very thoughtful addition, thank you! It does a lot to ease my mind about the shortness of my letters, knowing you won’t be waiting so long to receive such a tiny handful of clumsy words. It also seems like a very secure form of communication… Maybe I could trouble you for the secrets behind its creation someday?
As for the light novel you sent me… Was it really your wife’s recommendation? It’s not quite what I would have expected… though I suppose her sweet tooth isn’t, either. Still…
You were right to believe that I would enjoy it a great deal. The Shogun as portrayed there was actually adorable, which isn’t a term I thought I would ever use for her… Beautiful, certainly. Powerful, absolutely. But adorable? I’m forced to wonder if the author had an unusually active imagination about what the Raiden Shogun’s true nature is like, or if they found themselves privy to some deeply secret information.
The nature of the Shogun’s romance with her Guuji, on the other hand, was remarkably believable. Their push and pull, the way the Guuji’s cleverness always let her stay one step ahead, the Shogun’s clumsiness with social interactions… it felt far more real than any other light novel romantic plot I’ve read, and I found myself seeing a great deal of me in the character of the Shogun.
The truth is, you see, that I currently hold a position of not inconsiderable responsibility, but it’s not one that I ever wanted. Social situations drain me greatly, and I find myself needing a great deal of time alone to recharge. The way the Shogun in the story just wanted to hide in her room reading, letting her Guuji handle all of the important aspects of her job…
Honestly, it sounds like paradise.
My job has me managing a great many workers of various kinds, and… while I don’t think I’d want them replaced with straw dolls, I have to admit that it can be extremely frustrating. I have to push myself so hard just to talk to them in the first place, and then they just don’t listen without even realizing that they’re not listening…
The worst part is the enmity that so many of them have for another business that should be our closest partner, preferring to treat it as a rival instead. While it’s true that there have been some unfortunate incidents between us in the past, the only way we can succeed in the future is by working together.
Would you happen to have any advice on how I can help them see reason?
Yours,
Sole of the Deep
To the adorable Sole of the Deep,
Should I be worried by how much you’re spoiling my wife? I warn you, I won’t give her up so easily…
She does, however, send her thanks. I’ve ensured she’ll pace herself and not devour the entire package in one day.
There are many, many things about my wife that I think would surprise you. Much like you, she has a great deal in common with the loser shogun from that light novel. If you’ll excuse a little bragging, I would describe her as the most beautiful, most powerful, and most adorable in all the world.
As for the nature of the Shogun, I certainly wouldn’t dare to speculate… but with both you and my wife having so many similarities to the book’s portrayal, it may very well be more accurate than one might expect, no? What would you think if the Shogun turned out to be more akin to the cute loser of the light novel than the fearsome legend?
When it comes to your undesirable position of authority, I’m afraid my wife and I can relate to your situation more than any of us may like. It seems all too common a thing these days, really… Though while you throw yourself into your work and she’s found her own ways to pursue its completion, I must admit that I myself tend to spend as little time on such boring matters as possible. The essence of success is the delegation of as much of one’s work as can be managed, leaving only the most critical or entertaining parts for onself.
All of this is, however, complicated by incompetence on the part of one’s minions, a problem I’m saddened to learn we share. Mine are, perhaps, not quite so stupid and misguided as yours, but their ability to make things go wrong is nonetheless astounding.
I find that the best way to get my employees to better understand things is to force them to experience them, whether they like it or not. Have you considered a personnel exchange with this other company? If such a thing were to occur and go well, it would already be a major step in the right direction. Of course, if it were to go poorly it could be quite the setback, too… but if the other company is truly an important partner, the trust may need to be extended.
I’ve enclosed with this letter both another light novel recommendation and a selection of sweets picked out by my wife as a return gift. She’s most insistent you try the ‘dango milk’ and provide your opinion on it.
With great affection,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
Dear Fried Tofu with All the Frills,
Please don’t worry, I have no intention of attempting to steal your wife away! I’m certain she’d never be tempted by someone like me anyway, so there’s no need for any sort of preventative measures.
I’m very grateful for the sweets she sent, though! I’ve enjoyed the ones I’ve sampled thus far, including the ‘dango milk.’ The name had me apprehensive, but it was delicious, more like eating a dessert than a drink. It had a sort of superficial resemblance to porridge, though I would rate it much more highly than that… I’d imagine it must be a best-seller over on the Narukami side, and I’m glad your wife decided to share it with me!
In truth, it sounds like she and I may have rather more in common than I would have imagined. I dearly hope that when the time comes that we can truly meet, we’ll get along as well as that implies.
You raise an interesting question about the Shogun. In truth, if she were like the Shogun in the book… Well, it depends on the degree of similarity. I think that if she were one-to-one with the book’s loser Shogun I might be somewhat disappointed, but I also think it’s clear that cannot possibly be the case. If, on the other hand, she just had some key similarities — as is the case with myself and your wife — I would find myself with a great deal of empathy for her situation, and think it might be possible for us to become friends.
I’m very sorry to hear that you and your wife are in the same kind of positions of forced authority that I am. I must confess I never would have guessed that, but I suppose everyone has their problems…
I envy you a little for how easily you speak of passing your duties to others, truthfully. I don’t dare attempt such a thing for most of mine, they’re just too important, and if something goes wrong when I could have made it go right… The thought is just too horrible for me to contemplate. I would, however, be very interested in learning more about your wife’s methods, and any benefits or drawbacks they might have.
Your suggestion as to how to handle my problem is a remarkably simple one, but that seems to me likely to make it all the more effective. Thank you very much for your insight — whenever I have the chance to connect directly with someone in a position of authority in the other company, I’ll have to make some arrangements.
As for the light novel you sent this time…
That was some of the most dreadful writing I’ve ever forced myself through. Why would you curse my eyes with such garbage? It was hideously unrealistic, entirely the opposite of the last one… and that’s not even getting into the art. How do those women even move with breasts that large?
I’d heard of harem light novels before, but this was my first time reading one. I cannot say I would ever wish to repeat the experience — the lead heroine was so dense that I suspect she would sink like a stone if she ever tried to swim, and her potential love interests were little better. Even the ‘intelligent’ one struck me as a caricature of the very idea of intelligence, always solving problems via plot fiat rather than because she had even so much as a single functioning brain cell.
While the idea of a story in which a hapless young woman is pursued by a bevy of beautiful admirers may appeal to some, I can safely say that this genre is not for me. Even the very idea at the center of the conflict makes little sense — in a story so full of absurd plot contrivances, how is something as ridiculous as a societal preference for monogamy actually an issue? Surely they can all find love together? Many of the ‘love interests’ had more chemistry with others placed in that category than they did with the lead anyway, so everyone coming together as one strikes me as the cleanest and most sensible resolution.
Please never send me such trash again, or I’ll burn it on sight. Why does the Yae Publishing House even publish it?
Yours,
Sole of the Deep
To the ever-entertaining Sole of the Deep,
My wife was very excited by your review of the dango milk. She claims you have a discerning palate and made nearly the same comments she did upon first trying it. She also wanted me to inform you that while its sales were initially rather slow, they’ve picked up significantly in recent months, and it’s now one of the most popular street foods in Narukami.
She was also highly amused by your analysis of the novel I sent you, as it too matches her own almost exactly. She finds the genre just as distasteful as you do, and its premise just as baffling.
As her close agreement with you may suggest, ‘someone like you’ is exactly the type that might be able to tempt her, don’t you think? Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, though, I’m more than capable of keeping her by my side.
For my part, I find such stories to be entertainingly pathetic reading — while I understand and agree with the critiques you both level, I think they overlook the simple fact that writing does not necessarily need to be good in order to entertain. There’s a certain level of trash that is entertaining simply because of the fact that it is trash — ideas and scenarios so ludicrous that better writing would actively reduce the enjoyment one finds in them as half the fun is found in making a mockery of it. It is admittedly a fine line, and one for which the placement varies greatly from person to person, but to dismiss it out of hand is to fail to comprehend just how much money one can make by publishing such material.
You are, of course, entirely free to disdain those who write it and those who enjoy it unironically — far be it from me to stop you from being as judgmental as you’d like. I certainly take a great deal of fun in it myself, after all.
I apologize for this being a short letter, but I find myself currently caught up in an unusual situation where my attention is focused on developing a new drink for an upcoming festival. It has to be just right, you see, and my kitchen skills are the result of a great deal of careful practice rather than any sort of natural talent. As such, I have little time to devote to other pursuits, but also do not wish to keep you waiting.
My wife suggested that I extend an invitation to meet with you during the festival, if you have the time for a trip to Narukami — if you were to come, perhaps you might even encounter someone who would be able to help you arrange that personnel exchange?
Hoping to see you soon,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
Dear Fried Tofu with All the Frills,
While arranging for a trip to Narukami is no small thing, I’ll be there for sure.
I look forward to meeting you in person at long last!
Yours,
Sole of the Deep
To the oh-so-clever Sole of the Deep,
Meeting with you in person was a truly wonderful experience. You’re just as entertaining in person as in your letters, and I can’t remember the last time I laughed so much in a discussion of light novels.
I do hope your employee was satisfied with the alternate reward I arranged? I’ll be looking forward to seeing him at the event next month, I have quite the outfit in mind…
I informed my wife of the plans we discussed for the exchange program, and she was most enthusiastic about them. She set about arranging everything on our side almost before I’d finished explaining everything, so I believe you can expect things to go smoothly.
Perhaps our next meeting should be the three of us together? Until then, I’ll look forward to our continued correspondence.
With much love,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
Dear Fried Tofu with All the Frills,
I enjoyed our meeting as well. I don’t often get to speak with people who treat me as an equal, let alone who are so quick-witted. I felt like I could barely keep up, but that was half the fun!
My employee was very pleased by the books you provided us with, though I think he’s less than thrilled by the prospect of assisting in your event. Don’t worry, though, I told him about how I had already approved the matter with you in advance as part of our exchange program. He’ll be there!
I have to confess I’m a little impressed that you were able to predict he’d act as he did and have the foresight to arrange your actual plans with me before we’d even received word of what was happening, but I suppose that’s simply you living up to your incredible legend.
I’m glad to hear your wife is as excited for the exchange program as I am! I’ve also been very busy preparing everything, and I hope it will be a valuable experience for everyone involved.
I would love for our next meeting to involve your wife. Perhaps it could take place in about two weeks from now? I’ve been planning for such a meeting for months, and that should give me just enough time to make the trip back to Narukami Island. It will also place the meeting around two weeks before your event, so if I make something of a stay of it I should be able to attend and enjoy my employee’s performance alongside you.
Forever yours,
Sole of the Deep
To my dearest Sole of the Deep,
My wife has agreed. We’re eagerly looking forward to hosting you.
With deep fondness and great anticipation,
Fried Tofu with All the Frills
