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Comprehension was the slowest of all. Acceptance, the hardest. A jarring disconnect between the Suguru in his head, and the Suguru who had killed hundreds of people.
Still, they were the same; The Suguru who would wake him in the morning when he overslept, the Suguru who would selflessly swallow down curse after curse for the sake of others, the Suguru that Satoru trusted more than anyone else.
He felt deceived.
Suguru had betrayed him. Kept the truth from him. His feelings. When really, maybe Satoru had just been blind. Maybe his six eyes didn’t really tell him the true colour of people’s souls, their cursed energy, their nature. He hadn’t known anything at all. He had thought himself to be all knowing, when in reality, he couldn’t even see the truth in those closest to him - in the one person he thought he knew better than anyone else.
The denial was an ever-present companion. His own wrongdoings thrown to the side.
He wanted to keep the image he had of Suguru separated from the information he was fed every day. Suguru’s parents, more non-sorcerers. A trail of lives cut short, wherever his best friend went.
He got numb to the tales. More innocent lives were lost, but the one that lived rent free in Satoru’s being was still alive.
Satoru wasn’t ready when he finally complied with the demand to locate him. To add insult to injury it was easy to find him. Too easy.
Suguru was careless, or much more devastatingly, maybe he wanted to be found.
His cursed residuals were everywhere; the scent of him still cloying and sweet, even when mixed with thick invading blood. Satoru would never mistake it no matter how many other impressions were smothered in his scent. It stayed vivid. A constant reminder of the past.
As they came face to face, their bodies were bathed in long shadows. A nondescript alleyway. A confrontation hanging in the air.
Suguru’s hair was longer, eyes sunken into dark pools, his smile not quite reaching the corners of his eyes, as his name spilled from Suguru’s lips.
Why hadn’t he seen it? The way happiness had always eluded his best friend?
The fire that bubbled up from the centre of Satoru’s chest was a terrifying ferocious thing. His fingers clenched into tight fists in a futile attempt to release some of the tension that was squeezing at his heart.
He could end it. It would be easy.
One flick of his fingers was all it would take. Suguru was strong, they had been strong, but Suguru was mortal whereas he was a chosen being above the laws of the universe.
Suguru would bleed just like any other human. Could die like them too.
Instead, the words would come tumbling out of Satoru’s mouth. The accusations. The futile pathetic pleas.
'This isn’t you Suguru. You can still go back. Turn yourself in. They won’t execute you, I’ll make sure of it.'
But Suguru’s gaze stayed vacant, lips sealed, midnight dark eyes holding him in place with the heavy weight of their shared past.
Satoru would suck in a breath as anger and frustration rose to the surface. He grasped for him; Suguru’s wrist warm beneath his fingers, infinity melting into zero, the need for contact overwriting everything else, even logic.
And yet, he still couldn’t reach him.
Even as he pressed Suguru forward by the back of his head, their lips meeting in a dance they both knew so well, the disconnect was jarring. Suguru’s body responded to him, lips parting, soft gasp drowning as Satoru licked into him.
The physical aspect was familiar. Comforting. Ghosts from the past swirling in his head; of late nights in Suguru’s room, in his room, in vacant classrooms.
But, it wasn’t the same.
Something was amiss, and it ultimately made Satoru hesitate. Lips pressed into a thin line in displeasure as his hands dug into the front of Suguru’s robe instead. He shook him, the force abysmally small and pathetic compared to the destructive capabilities that were humming just beneath his veins.
‘I’m sorry, Satoru.’
The words were out of Suguru’s mouth before Satoru could stifle him.
Suguru had made his choice. And it was a choice that didn’t include him.
Satoru’s lips trembled when he withdrew and he didn’t look back as he turned and left the purgatory that was Suguru’s orbit.
He forgot his original purpose. His mission. All of it insignificant when compared to the overwhelming need to get away. Of wanting to melt into one, of making things right, but instead being faced with the reality that it was impossible now.
It was too late. The distance between them had become a solid impenetrable force that not even god’s chosen could break through.
In his absence, other sorcerers came for Suguru and in turn, more lives would be lost.
Satoru felt nothing. Compared to Suguru’s existence, everything seemed insignificant. A few human lives. A mortally wounded sorcerer here and there.
Satoru would fall back into his orbit. No orders to hide behind, just his frayed feelings spilling onto the floor.
‘Won’t you be in trouble by continuing to come here?’ Suguru would ask him when he would show up at his door for the umpteenth time - as if any of that really mattered. As if anyone could really get him in trouble or hurt him the way Suguru was hurting him.
‘What do you hope to achieve?’
Satoru didn’t know.
So, he would just hold him, pressing his nose into the crook of Suguru’s neck.
He smelled the same. Felt the same. Warm and solid and strong in ways no one else was.
But the loneliness was still chilling.
Longing welled up in him at the prospect of them being two parts of a greater whole again. Even if it was ultimately a fool’s wish.
Suguru wasn’t gonna have a change of heart.
They were poisonous words when Suguru’s own desperation started to show. The initial taste was sweet while the lingering aftertaste was bitter and corrosive on the back of his tongue.
‘Imagine a world where sorcerers don’t have to die every day fighting a never ending losing battle. Wouldn’t that be the ideal state of the world? Don’t you want to protect your students? There are so many like them out there. Sorcerers coming into their powers. They need our help. We need to look out for our own, Satoru.’
Satoru could imagine it. A utopia for sorcerers. A place with no higher-ups or curses or needless senseless sorcerer deaths.
But, the cost was too steep.
And ultimately, if given the choice, Satoru would still choose the world over his one and only.
No matter, how much he wanted his heart to be swayed into selfishness.