Chapter Text
She stood there staring out at the stars dancing around the blue and green sphere that she had broken bones, spilled blood, sweat and private tears just to see again in her lifetime. Not to mention preserving the 146 souls on board, now 147 with the addition of Tom and B’Elanna’s new baby making an appearance just before reaching home. She had truly given her all for this moment, including her life in the form of her future double. The Admiral had insisted that she did not belong in the current timeline, and she would deal a crucial blow to the Borg by allowing the Queen to assimilate her and along with her life she infected the whole collective with a killing virus.
There was a quiet swish of her ready room doors, and she knew it was him before his foot had even touched the first step up to the platform where she stood looking down on their home planet. Well, he was originally from Dorvan, but for some reason she had always privately considered Earth as their home and where she had worked so tirelessly to get them. She did not turn around to face him, half of her afraid in the moment that if she looked away Earth would somehow vanish into thin air like a fevered dream if she looked away even for a moment.
“Breath taking.” He said in a tone that made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end. Somehow in the way he said those two words she knew he meant more than the M class planet in front of them.
She murmured in agreement, casually acting as if she had missed his double meaning. Yet with their years long friendship and shared command, they had the ability to say so much with just a few words, so she knew he was not fooled by her aloofness in the moment. Finally turning to face him she caught sight of something in his hands, a peace rose.
“Oh, Chakotay, you didn’t have to. Thank you.” She said softly as she took the rose from him that he held out to her. He was still standing on the step and as he handed her the rose, he closed the distance between them a little more.
“Yes, I know, but I couldn't resist. I thought today was one of those memorable moments that deserved a rose to remind us both of all we have fought for to reach this day. If you’ll recall, there was a day in the not too distant past when I had given you a similar rose. A day that ended on a beach near Lake George where you promised to take me to the real one someday?”
She smiled and sat down on the bench under the window, “Of course I remember, how could I forget the day I beat the Devil himself and spent the evening with one of my best friends. I do recall my promise and as soon as our debriefings are over, you and Seven are more than welcome to join me there for a trip.”
At the mention of Seven, Chakotay’s head snapped up with understanding and a touch of shame as he saw a sharp look of hurt on her face that she tried to put away before he noticed. But of course, he detected everything when it came to her.
“I’m not sure what you think you know, but something tells me that you may not have all of the facts straight on that one.”
He said this in a calm detached voice that caught her attention and for once made her hold her tongue and wait for more information from him before pushing back on the subject. Seeing that she was waiting for him to continue or elaborate, Chakotay took the bull by the horns and sat down next to her. Keeping a little distance between them, he turned to face her and did his best to gather his thoughts on the fly to explain himself and the situation.
Letting out a slow breath he began. “I was asked by the Doctor to help remedy a situation with Seven.”
His statement caused her even more confusion as her brow line pressed together and she opened her mouth to ask what he meant. However, seeing his held up palm he pleaded with her.
“Please, let me explain and then I’ll answer any questions you may have at the end. You see the Doctor discovered that Seven had broken some pretty serious ethics rules and had created a holo version of the entire crew and that she was skipping regeneration time to spend with our holo doubles in her endeavors to expand her social skills without him.”
“What!?”
Chakotay pressed on. “You see, after he had apparently confessed his romantic feelings for her, they parted ways as friends but no longer was he her tutor in all things Human.”
“What!?”
Again, he would not be halted in his explanation. “There was an issue for her physically not regenerating as she should, and he thus discovered her program and informed me at once. Since I am the first officer it fell to me to provide disciplinary action, if I saw fit over the violation of the crew’s identity. He and I both had a private conversation with her over the subject in great detail.”
Kathryn sat there ashen and quiet, a reaction Chakotay had hardly ever seen from her except for a small handful of times in the past. She was clearly shaken by the information, and he pressed on with the rest of his explanation.
“She had even been dating the holo version of me.”
“WHAT!?”
Kathryn bolted up from her seated position and he calmly took her wrist and implored her to sit back down with a gentle look of understanding and sympathy. Kathryn’s head was spinning with all of this information as she sat back down. How had she not known this was going on, especially with her star pupil and someone she considered as an adopted Daughter. Sitting there she felt like she was going to be sick.
“I thought it was bad enough when the Admiral had informed me that you two were dating and had gotten married- “
“She told you that!?” It was now Chakotay’s turn to be thrown off kilter. For some reason a deep sense of embarrassment came over him and he suddenly felt the blood drain from his head and had to rest back against the cushion as if he had just been punched in the gut.
“The Admiral…. she told me of your relationship and future, and that Seven had died in her timeline, and that you were never the same after Seven’s death. I thought it explained why you have been turning down my invitations…. that, you had moved on…. with Seven.”
Chakotay suddenly grasped her hand and held it so tight it felt like he was clinging on to her for dear life or perhaps, out of fear that she would leave. Despite the fact that she had never run from a fight in her life, which was the impression she received from the look in his eyes as he stared at her hard.
“Kathryn, no. No…. that’s, that’s not accurate or acceptable at all.”
He was still firmly grasping her hand tightly and for whatever reason she did not fight to take her hand back. Instead, she begged him, “Then please enlighten me, because I am so lost in all of this and what has happened, I have been kept in the dark about all of this, for some reason?”
He sighed heavily and for the first time since he had entered the room, Kathryn noticed how tired Chakotay not only looked but sounded. It had been a hellish few days for all of them, but especially the command team.
“Look, she and I are friends. Nothing more. She did kiss me once, but it was a mistake, and it was due to a date that she and I did in fact share.” He looked pale and little like he was going to be sick. “The Doctor was the one who came up with that brilliant idea, which I to this day regret. She is a very nice woman, don’t get me wrong. But I’ve only ever had eyes for one person, and I think you know who that is.”
She finally stood feeling too much tension in her body from the onslaught of emotions and information that she was receiving. Glossing over his admitted feelings towards her she turned to face him and demanded for more information.
“I’m sorry Chakotay, but you are going to have to do better than that and explain that to me again, but this time in greater detail.”
He sighed tiredly and nodded, “Fair enough…. the Doctor thought that by going out with me on an actual real date and not with the holo version of me, which has been destroyed by the way- “
“Good.” She said through gritted teeth.
“He felt that she would see that those relationships were not real or comparable to the ones she would have with all of us here on board Voyager. I agreed with it thinking it would put the matter behind us all, especially for her. But I had one condition, I would be the one to inform you of the situation and no one else was to know about it. The date took place shortly before the Admiral arrived and I never had the chance to fill you in, until just now.”
Janeway let out a long slow breath and folded her arms around herself protectively as she leaned against the railing of the viewport sitting area. The emotions swirling in her mind, including the intense hurt she had been feeling for the last few days sat at the bottom of her gut like a heavy stone and no matter how hard she tried to tear it out and throw it away, it refused to budge.
“And what about, the other part….” She asked, barely registering the words as they left her mouth and wishing she could reclaim them before he responded. She really did not want to know, and yet some part of her apparently was in desperate need of knowing.
“You mean the kiss? She kissed me in an attempt to prove her point that she felt the program had succeeded and that it was moot to ignore my feelings for her. I was kind to her, despite my feeling violated on many many levels. I had to remind myself that she was more like a teenager with her first crush than actually on the level of a woman her age. Despite all of this she did kiss me, and, in the moment, I got caught up in the kiss….and I did kiss her back. Which did not help my case and lead to a tumultuous number of issues and repercussions, including how I am directly feeling right now in this moment explaining all of this to you.”
He stood and approached her, grabbing her elbows in his hands he looked directly into her eyes and stated very plainly and gently, “I have no excuse in how I handled this and honestly in my seven years with you, serving you as your XO, I have messed up before in the past. But I can be man enough to admit that this takes the cake on all of those and then some.”
Kathryn let out one small humorless laugh in agreement and maneuvered away from him, walking down the step towards her desk. She needed distance, she needed air…. something that was not possible for where they currently were.
Dropping into her chair she buried her face in her hands.
Meanwhile, Chakotay stood there watching her, giving her space to breathe and take it all in. He did not want to hurt her further and explain to her that the relationship blossomed further from the kiss forward, but she needed to know the whole truth before things could be resolved between them. Walking down towards her, he sat down in his traditional spot from across her and continued explaining to her what had transpired between him and Seven.
“I was in hell, I am sorry that I let my weaknesses get the better of me. I was angry with you, and I am angry with myself.”
Her head snapped up at his words, “You were angry with me? What the hell did I do?”
He looked remorseful and looked down into his clasped hands on his stomach and then back up at her. “You shut me out. Since Jaffen, you have slowly been cutting me out of your life and routine, that by the time you started inviting me to join you once more for dinner or the like, I had already taken up with Seven in the Doctor’s experiment – “
“But it went past that,” She accused.
He nodded “It did, and for that I am truly sorry. To both of you. I should have stood by my initial feelings and remained out of it with her. But, Kathryn, I am just a man. I have been stuck alone on a lonely island unto itself for so long, that I did fall to her advances, and I did allow my weaknesses to overcome my better judgement. Once I really started spending time with her, I did see she was someone worth really getting to know and I finally understood why you kept encouraging me to try and get to know her better. Granted I am sure you had completely different ideas for that, but there it was none the less.”
Kathryn groaned and leaned back “That is what must have led to your marrying her in the Admiral’s timeline.” She rubbed at her temples and clearly was starting to have a headache.
Chakotay silently looked down to his clasped hands in quiet contemplation.
“I can see how and where it might have been the case…. but I did speak with the Admiral, and she informed me of quite a few things that took place between her and her XO. She found out about all of this in her timeline from the Doctor and instead of talking about it with her Chakotay, she took it upon herself to shut down and shut him out. Worse than when we were all back in the void Kathryn. He had to step in for her and cover for her. And their Seven was there for him, when the Admiral would not even speak with him. Oh, don’t misunderstand me. She carried out her duties and handled ships matters. But she no longer socialized and, in many ways, became a ghost, a shell of who she used to be. She admitted to me that it was her layers deep love for her Chakotay that lead to a permanent heartbreak that she never recovered from. She essentially pushed him into Seven’s arms and never looked back. She was too stubborn and high minded to ever discus it with them and they found a way to dance around each other, until Seven died. She would not elaborate past that. I think it didn’t matter for us to know. All she wanted you and I to know was how the damage had occurred and how we could fix it, if we wanted to.”
Kathryn suddenly felt a wave of nausea as he described the future as it had happened for the Admiral and had almost occurred for them. Burying her face in her hands, she rested her elbows on the desk and suddenly felt all seven years’ worth of exhaustion hit her all at once. All the decisions she had made, her weaknesses of fighting against the darkness that lived within her, the way her future self had caused her own eternal heartbreak and the loneliness that must have been the catapult that turned the Admiral so cold and distant.
Suddenly she felt warm strong fingers wrapping around her now icy hands, for the blood had all drained from her body with his last words. The warm fingers gently tugged on her to release her face and to look at him. As she did so she came to realize that he had not only come around to her side of the desk, but that he was now crouching down next to her at eye level.
“Kathryn. I am here, and I am not going anywhere. Please talk to me. You look as white as a ghost right now. Should I get the Doctor?”
Chakotay was genuinely concerned about her, thinking that Kathryn may be in a state of catatonic shock.
“Hasn’t he done enough damage already?” She asked, and then in her next breath she shook herself, “I didn’t mean that.”
He smiled a little smile and nodded, “I know you didn’t. But who can blame you? It is a lot to take in all at once.” He grabbed her hand with his and started rubbing the back of her hand soothingly with his thumb.
“So. Now what? You said you and Seven are now friends but nothing more?”
“After my talk with the Admiral, it was like having ice water thrown in my face and waking up from a coma all at once. I at once went and talked with Seven and explained my feelings for you and that it was not fair to her to stay in a relationship with her, when my feelings had already been elsewhere long before she had ever stepped foot on the ship. She took it quite well and explained to me that the Admiral had also spoken with her about Axum and that she showed her how to find him once we reached Earth. Seven explained that she had never stopped loving him and that she had only tried to move on because she thought she would never see him or find him in the Beta Quadrant.”
Kathryn’s jaw dropped at this new piece of information and asked, “She plans to leave for the Beta Quadrant to find him once she’s cleared by Starfleet, doesn’t she?”
Chakotay nodded and stood, pulling Kathryn up out of her chair with him. His knees were starting to hurt, and he had to quietly admit to himself that he was not as young as he once was.
“As soon as the debriefings are over and she can find a transport out to DS9, she’ll be leaving to go find him. Which leaves you and I at an impasse….”
She raised her eyebrow “Oh?”
Chakotay had taken up both of her hands and was now drawing slow circles on her skin.
“The way I see it, we have a few choices, but they are all of course entirely up to you. You see, I brought in that peace rose for a second time to remind you of what we once shared and to beg for your forgiveness and to see if we could make peace with all that has happened. We could move on as if none of this ever happened, just like we always do. Or, we could try and work through all of what has and has not occurred between us and see what’s on the other side of that door…. starting with a trip to Lake George. Just you and I, where we can talk and work through all of this together?”
It took a nano second for her brain to catch up with what he was saying and not saying. What he was implying and what he was asking her, asking of her.
“oh…” She breathed out softly as it all caught up with her. “You mean….,”
He took her arms in his hands and nodded once, looking at her as if she might bolt once more.
“Kathryn, I implore you, no I beg you, please consider it. You don’t have to give me an answer right now and I know you have a lot on your plate now. I will still provide you with the best support as your first officer throughout the transition back to earth and the debriefings. Look, I know I have hurt you. The one thing I never wanted to do. I just ask that you think about it and at the very least, please forgive me for acting like a complete idiot.”
She stood stock still for a few heart beats looking up at him, she thought over his words and all that they had been through together. She was no saint herself and she knew she had hurt him with Jaffen, even if it was not something she had control over developing, but she did know she had hurt Chakotay by asking Jaffen to stay on Voyager once they had regained their memories. The truth was she could relate fully to Chakotay’s example of the lonely Island and knew she had acted rashly herself with Jaffen out of fear of enduring that same loneliness possibly for the rest of her life on board Voyager.
Raising both of her hands she placed them on her traditional position on his chest, feeling his heart hammering away a mile a minute within him. That’s when she knew, when she made her decision to forgive him, to work on and move forward with him, and then see what the future could now potentially hold for them.
“Chakotay.”
She said his name like a prayer, and he instantly knew she had forgiven him, but he still was not sure what else she may be thinking or feeling. So instead of keeping quiet about it like they always did, he braved forward and directly asked her.
“Is it too late? Is there….hope?”
She slowly nodded her head. Bravely, tentatively she did something she had wanted to freely do for years, sliding one hand up his chest to his broad shoulders, she then snaked her hand to the back of his neck. His heart beat even faster under her other hand, something she did not realize could be possible in that moment. As her fingers connected with the nape of his neck touching his hair and running the tips of her fingers through his lush thick hair she spoke. Partly to deter him from the kiss she could read in his eyes that he was clearly dying to give her, but also to explain her stance on where this was going between them.
“I know I once told you that as captain I did not have the luxury that others on this ship have on pairing off, that day I had selfishly been trying to tell you that if I could, I would have picked you then. And that still holds true now. I hoped then and I do now, that you are reading me, like you always have with exceptional brilliance and skill. Unfortunately, we still have this issue of the chain of command, and I also made sure that our friendship never passed certain boundaries because I do not want the review board to have even the slightest breath of a thought to hold against us in granting the full pardon, I intend to fight for all of the former maqui members on our crew. Until that issue is resolved, my hands are still tied behind my back. So, as much as I want to jump straight into this thing with you and call it a day, I’m afraid our work is still cut out for us. Are you with me on this?”
As her words poured over him Chakotay did not think it to be possible, but he fell more in love with her then as she spoke of fighting for their crew, of the former Maquis receiving a full pardon, that it had been one of the defining factors on her mind that had held her back from him. But more importantly, he believed he read her correctly that once it was all said and done, she was ready to be with him. To be his.
“Always.” He answered her firmly.
Without hesitation or warning he closed the distance between them and crushed his lips against hers in a passionate kiss. She froze for the briefest of seconds and then kissed him back and gave him back everything he gave her and then some, as her fingers laced against the back of his head, she deepened the kiss even further. They kissed as if their lives depended on it and for a solid minute, they lost all track of time and place, until the comm alert jolted them apart. They both smiled and laughed at themselves as she made to answer the incoming message from Sickbay, most likely to ask the captain to come down and greet the newest member of their crew. Quickly though Chakotay halted her actions for just a moment and drew her back to him. Placing the sweetest kiss to her forehead that endeared her to him even more than she thought she could possibly feel towards him.
“We will figure this out Kathryn, I promise you.” He whispered and then stepped away from her so that she could turn her monitor and answer the Doctor on her screen.