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The Survey Corps HQ basked in deafening silence. And even though this was no unusual occurrence after lights out, tonight was different.
It was the kind of grim stillness that would settle after the Scouts' return from one of their expeditions.
On nights like these the soldiers lucky enough to make it back would skip dinner and curl up in their dorms, images of the few hours spent beyond the safety of the walls haunting them, their whimpers seeping into the corridors. Their hands would desperately clamp their ears to block out their comrades' final cries, their eyes shut tightly in failed efforts to get some much-needed rest.
One would think that dying on a mission was the worst that could befall a scout, but only those who lived to tell the tale knew that outliving your peers was far more dreadful.
In the Squad Leaders' quarters, the grief was no less intense. Perhaps its forms weren't as glaring, for most of them had gotten used to seeing youth they trained, disciplined, and shared banquets and banter with fall behind on the battlefield, but by no means did the recurrence of it all make the affliction less crippling.
Perched on the edge of your bed, you stared out the window at the full moon. Sleeping after a mission was impossible, and even more so this one. You had no more tears left to cry. You'd wept plenty in your first years as a recruit. All that was left now was the guilt and heartache of a heavier duty you'd believed yourself strong enough to bear.
Fortunately, there was still somewhere you could seek some semblance of solace after such draining days.
Throwing a robe over your shoulders and sliding into a pair of slippers, you held the lantern on the night table and left your bedroom. Certain that Levi wouldn't be in his, you crossed the dimly lit hallways to the offices. Once at his door, you didn't bother to knock and quietly twisted the knob. His gaze flitted from the document he was scribbling on to you, taut traits relaxing ever so slightly at your sight.
The stack of documents before him drew a smile to your lips; he'd always drowned his sorrows in paperwork.
No greetings were uttered. Silently, you grabbed a chair and rounded the desk as Levi made room for you. A quill and paper were already waiting by the time you made yourself comfortable next to him.
With no delay, you dipped the nib into the inkwell and proceeded to fill out the forms detailing today's losses.
As usual, the quiet was significantly less daunting by Levi’s side. Every name jotted down eroded a sliver of the pressure you'd been carrying around. And while the irony and injustice of the situation were not lost on you, you still couldn't help but find yourself in awe of him, of how someone so intimidating and austere could radiate such a soothing aura.
Although, you knew better than anyone that there was so much more to him than met the eye.
You could vividly recall how rebellious and distant he'd been at first, the turning point in his bearing only coming a while after, at the cost of his two best friends' lives. As though their demise had finally made him accept his destiny within the Scouts, he'd become less callous, more responsible and reliable, friendly even—though in his way.
Every day and situation had brought to light more of his underlying qualities, and every interaction had strengthened his bonds with those around him.
Yours had been the one to take a more personal turn.
A weary sigh of his ripped your attention off the report at hand, and you watched him put down the quill and pinch the bridge of his nose. Immediately your hand was on his nape, fingers playing with his undercut before gingerly creeping up to massage his scalp. With a deep groan Levi crossed his arms and reclined in his seat, eyelids sealing as he basked in the comfort of your touch.
If asked to pinpoint when and where all of it had started, you wouldn’t be able to answer. All you could remember was that attraction had always been there, palpable and all-encompassing, and along with it had come tension. At first thrilling and delectable, you'd furtively relished it for a while before it'd become too overpowering. Eventually, you'd given way to it one evening after you'd been left alone in his office, an unspoken pact binding you to him ever since.
The contrast in your dispositions, perspectives, and visions was striking. While Levi had been forced to join the regiment, you'd willingly enlisted, determined and eager to make a change. Where he was cool, collected, and blunt, you were fiery, spirited, and less upfront. While he’d been reluctant about the future of your relationship, you had clung to the hope that one day this nightmare would end—that you'd have the mundane life you'd started to wish to build with him.
Still, you hadn't let the differences stand in your way. There for one another every step of the way, you’d learned to understand the other beyond words. And it was on nights like these when no utterances mattered or could be of any consolation that you felt most fortunate and grateful for having him.
At this instant, there was no doubt in your heart and mind that you were madly in love with Levi. And while your feelings had no place in your reality and were more of a liability than anything else, you had no regrets.
If you were to go back in time, you wouldn't change a single thing. You would make the same decisions, the same mistakes, walk down the same path that’d carried you here—where you belonged and were made to feel at home.
Suddenly bursting with appreciation, you asked if Levi wanted some tea, and he nodded.
He’d personally taught you how to make the beverage. It had taken a few failed attempts and slews of curses, but you'd eventually learned to perfect it. With a kiss to his temple, you walked to the kitchenette and filled the kettle. As you set the water to boil and fetched two cups and the tin from the shelf overhead, Levi ambled to the record player and dropped the needle on the disc. Blissful and serene was the melody it produced, its soft notes further warming the space.
Mere moments later a pair of strong arms were around your waist. The contact alone was enough for your heart to skip a beat. Levi's touch never failed to steal your breath away. Chest flush with your back, soft pants fanning your skin, his embrace was ever sedative, and now was your turn to close your eyes and drown in him.
Nuzzling your nape, he inhaled your scent, a smile creeping to your mouth at the deep, contented hum that ensued.
"Did you take a shower?"
You craned your neck to meet his gaze. "Of course, Levi. We were on a mission today."
Showering was the first thing you did upon your return from missions. This much Levi knew. But this was no ordinary one. Today marked the first where you were the sole survivor from your squad. And the heaviness of such an outcome, how crushing it was, how easily it could throw one off their routine, were all too familiar to him.
He also knew that you never slept after expeditions. And when you hadn't been to his office an hour past curfew as was your habit, he'd feared that you'd crumbled under the weight, that it’d gotten to you to the point where all you wanted was to curl up in your bed and be left alone.
The thought of stopping by your room had crossed his mind on his way up from the dining hall but had been quickly dismissed—he’d figured it was best to give you time and space to process this new aspect of your calling. And it wasn't until you’d shown up that he realized the degree of his concern.
Relief had been instant, though only acquired in full now that he knew you'd bathed as well. With hindsight, he shouldn't have underestimated your resilience at all. After all, it was one of the many qualities he admired about you.
Scattering open-mouthed kisses along your jaw, Levi said, "You can be a filthy brat sometimes."
"I'm not suicidal, though. You think I'd dare come see you if I weren't spotless?"
The click of his tongue drew a mellow chuckle of yours, and you spun to face him, arms sneaking around his neck. Enchanted once more by his detached yet ever-intriguing gaze, you pressed your mouth to his cheek, soaking up his warmth.
"Dance with me," he whispered, pulling away right before you could chase his lips for a proper kiss.
Allowing him to steer you to the center of the room, you melted against him once both of his hands were on your hips. As he leisurely swayed your bodies to the rhythm, your forehead rested against his, eyes fluttering closed. The long, shaky breath you let out spurred his palms to travel along your back, sailing smoothly over your robe to your shoulders. The squeeze he gave you made the lump in your throat hard to swallow. All you could manage was a strangled sob as his hold lingered there in what was his way of comforting you. Because better than anyone, Levi knew of the flames consuming your soul—how it not only burned for the fallen but also for those you'd undoubtedly be parted from one day. Your hearts wrenched at the thought that not even you were immune to it. That next time, it could be either of you. That this could be your last dance.
It was long moments before your tearless whimpers stilled and you breathed out his name. Holding you even tighter, Levi hummed in response.
"Let's get married." When minutes passed with no answer, you pulled away. His face screamed, "Not this shit again," so you added, "I'm serious."
This wasn't the first time you'd propose—if that could even be considered a proposal. Occasionally you'd let it up, and every time it'd get brushed off because Levi knew of your teasing disposition.
From the way he studied you in silence still, however, you could tell the earnestness hadn't escaped him. Your gaze held none of its usual humor or lust; it wasn't sparkling with the lively effrontery that pulled at his heartstrings over and over. All he could discern now was a blend of despair, fear, and distress that mirrored his own and was impossible to dismiss.
Before he could think of a reply, you continued through the strain in your voice and the blur of your vision, "I know you might be wondering what difference it makes, that it's vain in the grand scheme of things—"
"No, you know I'd never—"
"I know, Levi. But you've made me happier than I could've ever dreamt of being under the circumstances. And I know it's silly, but that is a happiness I don't want to leave this world without having experienced. And you're the one I want to share it with."
Levi's thumbs were brushing your cheeks as soon as you could no longer fight back your tears. The effect the sight had on him was as unwelcome and unpleasant as ever. It was simply one he could live without.
"You do realize," he began after a pause, "that it entails sharing a room, and you'll have to abide by my rules."
Though still watery, your eyes were gleaming again the second the words were fully registered, your teeth sinking in your lower lip in anticipation.
"Which means you'll have to fix that fucked up sleep of yours and help with chores without complaints."
You nodded vigorously.
"And you'll do everything my way. Your half-assed cleaning won't cut it over here."
"I will be at your command, Captain!"
Nuzzling your nose, he mouthed a husky, "Good girl," that made your knees falter before capturing your lips in a searing kiss.
"So... is that a yes?"
It was difficult for him to suppress his smile at your excitement. Marriage had never been at the forefront of his mind, but even so, being on the receiving end of a proposal wasn't how even he would've envisioned it. But everything surrounding you was all but ordinary, and this wasn’t the time to try and make sense of any of it.
"Yes, I'll marry you."
Snuggling in the crook of his neck to stifle your squeal earned you a hushed laugh as he languidly drifted you to the melody still floating around. It was only seconds before you disrupted the calm again, though, meekly cooing his name.
"What now?"
"You weren't serious about the cleaning, right? You'll go easy on me?"
"We'll see about that."