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suguru geto had a strange sense of loving.
you met suguru during your high school years. both so young and inexperienced, you assumed what you had was pure love. he’d watch you with a puerile smile he’d try to hide before you turned around to look at him, a sight that would occupy your mind for years to come. you could still feel his warm lips on yours while your fingertips ran across your hair as if you were playing with your past lover’s hair. you loved suguru su purely, so naively. he admired you, your compassion, and ambition. suguru admired everything about you, so much that between breathy kisses he would whisper “never change” into your lips.
suguru has changed.
it wasn’t a sudden change, not that you were aware of it. he left you one day, not saying a word. not a goodbye, not an explanation. he left you all alone by yourself on cold nights as you kept searching for his warmth. you grieved the premature death of your love. your love for him was pure, and suguru took advantage of it. he killed it without hesitation. you chased after him for an answer. you searched hidden corners across japan to find your lover, to confront him, but he had disappeared off the face of the earth. all his friends that once treasured you abandoned you. with nothing to grasp on, you continued living an empty life.
until the day suguru appeared in front of you.
he has changed; long, black locks graciously put in a half-do, a navy robe artfully wrapped around his body, eyes as darker than before. the crowded street behind you nonchalantly continued with their lives as yours came to a halt. you were furious at how careless they can be, when he was right in front of you, alive. you questioned your sanity, if you were hallucinating his image. your eyes filled with angry yet joyful tears as your past lover walked closer to you. he whispered sweet words of apology into your ear. you stood there still, not moving an inch at his words. he was sly with his words. his pink lips spewed out cleverly crafted sweet nothings while his foxy eyes were locked with your glossy ones. his touch felt oddly comfortable, a touch you had tried so hard to forget about. but all your efforts go down the drain as your mind fills with all the nights he’s touched you. lust filled eyes giving approval to him, you’d let whatever he wants to do with you. and you did.
becoming a cult’s first lady was not something you had in mind previously, but whatever makes suguru stay with you forever was your desire. but suguru has changed. his sweet words sound as if they mean nothing to him, yet you make yourself believe he loves you the same still. he’s not the goofy kid you loved joking around with anymore. he has changed, he doesn’t want to touch you in crowds anymore. he shuts down innocent jokes you tease him with, and tells you to be mature. he wants you to change, he wants you to become a “proper lady” as he calls it. he wants you to sit still and be pretty next to him as he spurs nonsensical words to a businessman. and you will change, as long as it means you have your lover by your side.
suguru’s sense of loving has changed greatly in the past decade you were seperate. his longing for romance has changed to insignificant sex. he won’t hold you or kiss you, and his tongue is sharper than before. he speaks as if words have no meaning, and like you’re simply one of his followers. you questioned why he would chase after you after all those years, to which he replied with a simple “because i love you.”
those four words stung, but you tried to play it off as love. you tried to make yourself believe you felt loved. for the first few weeks, you did. it did feel like he was sincere, maybe suguru also believed that. but empty eyes and his cold presence made you forget about romance quickly. and after months, you were an empty shell of the woman you were before him.
suguru wanted you to grow up. stuck up in the past, you had been hopelessly trying to relive your youth. your infantileness he once admired had turned into a source of despise for him. your childish humor irritated him. he made you earn his respect. he taught you how to sit, when to stand up, when to speak, when to hush. he taught you how to obey. he turned you from a girl to a woman; a woman deserving of him. only after he lost you for a second time did he realize how much he loved you.
suguru despises you, and you know it.
he hates the woman he’s created. the guilt is overwhelming for him, but having you by his side makes him forget about it. but this hatred for you eats you alive. the emptiness oozing from your eyes concerns the people in the house. your sickly figure walks around people like a ghost. you’re only happy with suguru, yet he’s rarely home, and he’s rarely with you. he only comes to you when he wants to pleasure himself. you’ve turned into nothing but a toy for him. memories play out like a film in your head in sleepless nights, and you find yourself imagining the boy you loved while in the arms of the man you have. you keep searching for the soft locks of hair on your fingertips as you brush suguru’s hair before bed, but it's useless. only then you realize the feeling you yearned for wasn’t soft locks or warm lips, it was suguru’s love. you loved suguru, but more so you loved the way he loved you. he was gone, and he took you with him.
and now with your lover positioned perfectly on top of you, you can’t help but feel empty . suguru fills the void inside you, you tell yourself. then how come are you always so unloved? when you’ve done everything in your power to earn his respect? what has changed? what did you to make him hate you?
suguru lays down next to you in the bed you both share. his perfect charcoal hair glistened with sweat stuck slightly on his forehead. the shine carves out his magnificently cut body, and you’re mesmerized by his beauty. there is a reason why suguru geto is a celebrity among worshippers. his undeniable attractiveness is a gossip material among many, and you do your best to fit his standards. after all, he chose you. he chose you to be his companion, he chose you to pleasure him, he chose to gift you his divine touch. you are the chosen one .
“so quiet” suguru states while he gathers his messy hair in a lazy up-do. he sits by the bed as you lay on your side, trying to catch your breath. “did something happen?” he asks in an unconcerned manner.
“no, i’m just tired” you lie with hesitation. you watch as the man pulls his pants off from the ground. his broad shoulders and tiny waist shine under the tangerine light from the window. he gets up before looking at you, his eyes are filled with an insincere sympathy; something you’ve gotten used to receiving from him.
but for suguru, it was the reflection of a conflict in his mind. his feelings for you are always in a battle; the hatred he has for the empty woman you’ve become, and the undeniable love he has for the woman he killed. the reminiscence of your love and your love for him now occupy his mind, and all he can do is show you an obligatory sympathy. though he could never admit he doesn’t love you; he does, but not the way he used to. that’s the only way he can distract himself from the neverending guilt he suppresses.
“you can tell me anything” he looks deep into your eyes as he lands a soft kiss on your temple before getting up again to tie his robe. you find yourself wondering if he sees you as one of his cult members, since his concern seems to look surface level and only a tool for manipulation; one he uses against worshippers.
maybe he did, maybe it was. maybe that’s the reason why you’ve been so insistent on staying by his side.
“we need to talk” you call him with a trembling voice. naked and vulnerable under the sheets, you call your lover back to bed. suguru complies with an indisputable annoyance on his face.
suguru crawls back to your side. he sits next to you with his palm on your lap. you grab his hands as you avert your gaze from him.
“what happened to us?” you ask.
“nothing, baby” suguru replies with sympathy, one you fell for earlier.
“you don’t love me anymore” you play with his long fingers. something in suguru’s eyes shift. he tries to gather his thoughts. what made him so confused? surely, he didn’t expect to hear such a thing from you .
“you know that’s not true. i cherish you” suguru furrows his brows in concern, one he doesn’t know if it’s sincere or not.
“you cherish me, but you don’t love me. why did you come back to me?” tears fight to break out, but you push them back, because grown women don’t cry .
“because i love you” suguru tells you. he clenches his fist so that he can grab your delicate fingers, almost scared to let you go.
“even you don’t believe that” you reply with empty eyes. suguru looks deep into your eyes. if his young self had seen this scene playing in front of him, he would surely beat the hell out of himself. for a moment, suguru feels insecure. he feels small in front of you. for one, he failed to keep you under his spell. but more importantly, he failed to protect your love for him.
“you’ve changed” suguru takes his hand out. he replies as if you had attacked him personally. anything else, he could let slide. but this, this is personal for him. you have changed in the way he wanted you to be. you have managed to gain his respect, you have matured after all. but nevertheless, you are still weak and helpless. a weakling like you should never rebel against someone like suguru geto.
“i took you in, fed you, cared for you. do you think that was all in vain?” he growls. his tall figure hovers around the bed as you sit still under the sheets. suguru paces around the room, he feels disrespected.
“you’re ungrateful after all, huh?” you don’t reply. you sit there, silently crying to yourself. “got nothing to say?” he calls out once more.
suguru huffs in annoyance before he leaves the room. he angrily walks down the narrow corridor to reach the entrance. he walks around the garden to relieve stress. how could you disrespect him like that? how could you question his love for you? you’re weak, you will always be weak. you should be grateful that he helped you. you will never deserve his love.
his thoughts disappear when he returns to an empty room at night. the spot you would wait for him every night is neat, and you’re nowhere to be found. your clothes hang clean in your closet, your toiletry remains untouched. your pink lipstick sits in front of your mirror next to a picture of you and suguru he made you two take last week. he searches for a trace of you, a note you left for him. he empties your closet, your drawers. the pile of clothes reveal an old picture of you, smiling so brightly for him. he somewhat recognizes the faces, but they have become strangers to him. the faces in the picture are dead, and he killed them both. he sits on the bed silently, letting the guilt finally wash over him.
suguru geto has changed you.
your smell slowly disappears as days go by. you’re nowhere. you left with no goodbye, no explanation. suguru chases after you for an answer. he searches hidden corners across japan to find his lover, to confront you, but you have disappeared off the face of the earth. he waits day and night for you to come back to him, but you never do.