Chapter Text
NOW
He wasn't sure if he could make it. Harry took a last deep breath, putting on his best smile, and trying to shake off the tension that had remained from his day, holding the bottle of wine as casually as possible. It was the first time in weeks that he went out for more than just takeout. The first time he tried to muster the courage to face people and do more than lie in bed. Even though his mind was screaming at him, telling him to just run away, he rang the bell, questioning if it would be heard over the thumping sound of music that was coming from inside. While he waited, he anxiously fidgeted with his rings, a habit he had never been able to break. Unsure of what he was hoping for, Harry had already thought about leaving when the door swung open. There was no need for him to be professional about his appearance, but after so many years of keeping it up, it was hard to not do it. He tried to relax his jaw and focus his eyes on his counterpart. "If that isn't the one and only Harry Styles?" Harry smiled at the man facing him, the movement of his lips feeling weirdly foreign. Somehow, it seemed to be enough for his opponent to continue talking. "J said you had other stuff to do, but it's nice to have you here, dude." The man who had opened the door gave Harry a welcome pat on the shoulder before pulling him into the hallway that was already filled with people.
Harry exchanged a few words out of politeness before making his way towards the living room, where he expected his old friend to be. Even though he had a clear goal, Harry somehow ended up in several conversations, taking the time to catch up with some of the people he already knew. Which mostly meant Harry fidgeting with the hem of his shirt while he did his best to come across as interested as possible instead of overwhelmed and lost. Time flew by, so it was almost midnight when he finally caught a glimpse of Jonny in the crowd. He waved when the other one recognized him, pushing past the other people to finally greet him. "Jonny!" Harry smiled, hugging his friend, longing for the comfort he had been missing lately. Against his expectation, Jonny's face did not mirror the anticipated happiness when he drew back. "Harry?" Jonny looked at him with disbelief, his brows furrowing. The uneasiness between them made no sense, but it effectively made Harrys pulse speed up. "I just dropped by," Harry tried to explain. "I know I said I couldn't make it to your party, but there was a change in plans. I did not think that it would be a problem, but you can tell me to leave, okay? If it is an issue. You can-" Yes. He could tell by himself how incredibly uneasy he must have looked. "Harry," Jonny interrupted, bringing Harrys racing thoughts to a halt. Harry stopped, waiting for Jonny to continue. "Harry," Jonny bit his lip, "he is here."
Harry's mind went blank. His heart skipped a beat, probably more than one, judging from the way an invisible weight was pressing down on his chest. The roaring in his head got loud enough to drown out the music that was playing in the background. "What?" Harry's disbelief changed into shock while Jonny continued speaking. "I invited him after you told me you wouldn't be there, I had no idea you would show up. I am so sorry," Jonny apologized, even though they both knew that he had done nothing wrong. Harry had imagined almost every possible scenario of how they would meet again, but he had not been prepared for it this night. He blinked, the lights around him blending him abruptly, the people around him too close. "I just-" Harry stuttered, his breathing picking up speed, "need to get out of here." Like he was about to be chased by someone, his eyes were scanning the crowd for a fast way to escape.
"Hey, calm down," Jonny urged, giving his best to keep Harry from panicking. "I know this is a difficult time for you. I haven't seen you for months, neither have the other boys. It's like you're avoiding everyone just to avoid him. You're not alone in this, we are here for you. Please stay, you can still get out of here if things get too much. There is no way you can run away from seeing him again for the rest of your life. Tonight could be a chance for you to move on." Harry nodded, trying his best to play his anxiety off, feeling guilty for ruining the mood at his friends party. "Need a drink," Harry muttered. "I'll be with you in a minute," Jonny promised. Harry nodded before he stumbled towards the kitchen, probably looking like there was already alcohol coursing through his veins. The kitchen was almost empty, most people gathered in the large living room. Harry took a deep breath, praying for his lungs to stop burning. While Harry's hands were occupied with mixing the contents of several bottles into one strong drink, his brain was working at full speed. Even though Jonny was right, Harry could feel that he was not ready for the confrontation with the person he feared the most. He was not ready and would most likely never be. Deep down, he knew that it was better to leave before any damage could be done. Damage to his confused mind, damage to his exhausted body. Damage to his broken heart.
A damage he wasn't able to voice because his life wasn't bad. Harry had achieved his dream of becoming a worldwide known artist, the media adored him, his fans loved him. He was about to start his own solo career after the band's split, everyone waiting for him to make the first step into a world that seemed to be waiting for him. And some days, it made him believe that all of those new possibilities could replace the one thing he could never have.
But the realization that it was naive hope hit seconds later.
Harry had just turned around, the drink in his hand, when the door to the patio got opened and someone entered the room. The smell of smoke that filled the air made Harry's attention shift.
One look was enough for Harry's brain to stop working.
The loud clash of his own gin glass drew the attention of the few people around him, but he only cared for one specific person. His world came to a halt. A pair of blue eyes found him, and it suddenly felt like they burned their way directly into Harry's soul. He forgot how to breathe, forgot about everyone else, forgot who he was supposed to be. Like Harry always did when Louis looked at him.