Archive of Our Own ^beta

Joel suppressed a yawn, running a hand down his face as he pinched his eyes shut. He was exhausted, everything in his body was telling him to just give in and go to sleep. But the little girl laying in the bed next to him only went to sleep herself with the promise that he'd stay awake and make sure no one came in the room. 

The last few hours ran through Joel's mind like a movie. The smoke bomb, hearing Ellie scream his name as they pulled her away from him, hearing her scream his name again through Marlene's radio as he came to in the hospital room, finding her cowering in the corner of a different room with a scalpel to her own neck and a sea of doctors and nurses surrounding her. God the kid damn near gave him a heart attack with that stunt. "They didn't get back when I pointed it at them, only when I pointed it at myself." She had later explained after he kicked everyone out of the room and coaxed her out from the corner. Her palm was a bloody mess from where the scalpel nicked into her skin and she was unsteady on her feet from the partial sedative they managed to get her with before she got away from them. But aside from that she was unscathed.

It was still too much in Joel's opinion. 

It took a while, but once the two had calmed down and realized that Marlene was in fact a big fat liar (Ellie's words; neither of them appreciated her telling the other they'd left/didn't want them around) they let Dr. Anderson and Marlene sit with them and explain in detail, even though Joel had no idea what half of what they said meant (“in English, doc” he'd said about a hundred times), what their plan was and exactly what they were going to be doing to Ellie. The girl in question dozed off against Joel's side as the Fireflies talked; the sedative finally taking effect, Joel figured. 

At the end of the conversation, Joel and Ellie had a few rules of their own. Rules Ellie demanded be written down and signed by all parties through her sleepy daze (Joel saw to it that it was).

1. Joel stays

2. Joel knows everything and okays everything before the doctors even attempt to do it

3. No one touches Ellie without her consent 

4. No gown- scrubs only

Ellie put emphasis on the last one after one of the nurses handed her a flimsy gown to change into. One panicked look to Joel was all it took for him to demand a set of scrubs. "But we need easy access to the specimen-" A nurse had complained. 

"Get out." Joel hadn't even let her finish her sentence before his face set into a death glare. 

"What?"

"Get. The hell. Out. She's not a specimen, she's a little girl. She ain't comfortable in a gown so she ain't wearin' one. And you're not gonna stand in here and talk about her like that, in front of her no less. So get the hell out and figure somethin' else out for her to wear, or we walk."

"You can't-" Dr. Anderson had tried protesting, but Joel hadn't given him the chance. 

"Last I checked." Joel had interrupted again. "You need her a whole helluva lot more than she needs you. We call the shots here, not you. Figure something else out." 

Ellie hadn't even tried to hide the smile that had formed on her face. She never had an adult stick up for her like that. In all her fourteen years, Riley was really the only person who had ever cared for her at all. Ellie loved Riley, she truly did. But there was just something different about Riley caring for her, and Joel caring for her. It was paternal, in a way that Ellie had never known. She'd never had parents, or really any guardian at all. She learned to self-soothe before she could even walk. Not one adult in Ellie's life had ever cared for her in the ways that Joel did. 

So, a pair of too-big scrubs were thrust into Ellie's arms with a defeated huff from a nurse and matching smug smirks from Ellie and Joel.

Joel's gaze stayed on Ellie for a little while longer, watching the gentle rise and fall of her chest as she slept. It was the first decent sleep she'd had in months, and Joel guessed part of it was thanks to the sedative still lingering in her system. And while he hated that they drugged her without her consent, he was the tiniest bit grateful that at least she was able to finally rest. 

The journey there was anything but easy. They'd lost more than they got- Tess, Sam, Henry. Apocalypse Babies were built different, he knew that, but still; knowing the things she'd gone through, the horrors she'd seen, and the people she's lost...it just wasn't fair. All Joel wanted for Ellie was a little peace. He didn't realize just how little she'd get here.

"Joel!" Ellie's excited voice exclaimed a few hours later, when she was woken from her nap by Marlene, Anderson, and a group of nurses (none of which was the one who called her a specimen when they first arrived), "Check me out!" Her arms splayed out to the side, showing off the new scrubs one of the nurses, Taylor, had found for her. "They have planets on them! How cool is that?"

Joel smiled softly as Ellie did a twirl, tripping over the excess length of the pant legs that pooled at her feet. Even with them being for children and the nurse rolling the waist band, they were still too long. "Looks great, kiddo." Joel said with a tired smile. Ellie may have gotten a nap, but Joel didn't. 

It was relieving for him, though, to see this version of Ellie again. After Silver Lake she had become a shell of the kid he'd first met back in Boston. And while, at the time, that little QZ brat drove him up the damn wall, the instant she stopped telling him shitty puns and asking him endless questions about Before, he missed it. Missed her. And even though there was a pretty huge part of him that wished she had agreed to give up on the Fireflies and go back to Jackson, he couldn't deny how happy her own happiness made him. 

"Those should do for now, but I'll look around and see if I can find anything that fits even better for ya." Taylor said with a smile, earning a shy grin from Ellie and a nod from Joel. 

Dr. Anderson reluctantly agreed to wait until the next morning before they began their testing. (Joel found he could be very persuasive when threatening to take away their one shot at a cure.) So, Ellie excitedly unpacked the few belongings they had while Joel strategically placed the cot they'd brought in for him (after a fight about Joel staying in Ellie's room) against the door. "Overprotective as fuck." Ellie had said with a snort when he told her he didn't want anyone coming in while they were sleeping (he could tell by the relief that flicked through her eyes that she was grateful for it, though). 

The rest of the evening was spent with Will Livingston, hospital food (that was somehow even worse than it had been Before, but still better than anything they'd had on the road), and Joel finding an old notebook and prepping it. He planned on keeping track of every person who came in their room, every person who laid a finger on his kid, every test they planned on running, and every single thing that went into her body; whether it be meds, needles, or god damn water. He didn't trust a single person in this hospital, and he'd be damned if he just let the fate of his kid lay in their hands with blind faith. 

"Hey Joel?" Ellie asked that night, as she laid in the hospital bed that she couldn't seem to get comfortable in. 

"Yeah?" 

"Did you know you should never lie to an x-ray machine?" 

Joel couldn't see the grin on Ellie's face across the dark room, but he heard it in her voice. "Is that so?" 

"Yeah, they can see right through you." Ellie giggled, throwing a hand over her mouth so she wouldn't be too loud. 

"Terrible." Joel said, despite the amused smile on his face.

"Nuh-uh, you dick!" 

"Wasn't your worst." Joel admitted. "I'd give it a six outta ten." 

"I'll take it." Ellie said with a smile. "Hey, Joel?" She asked again, her voice slightly smaller now.

"Yeah?" 

"Thank you for getting me here." 

Joel's heart clenched as he shook his head lightly. "It was all you, kiddo. It was all you." 

Ellie hardly slept a wink that night. The excitement for what was to come coursed through her like electricity. She did it. She fucking made it to the Fireflies. She was going to save the goddamn world, and then everything would be okay. Losing Tess and Henry and Sam and Riley would be okay. Silver Lake would be okay, because she was going to save the goddamn world. 

Of course, that wasn't actually how it worked. And Ellie knew that. Knew that there wasn't anything in the world that would make any of what happened okay. But she needed to tell herself it would be, needed something to grasp onto that would help pull her out of the hole that she fell into that just kept getting deeper and darker. That's what the cure was for her, it was her purpose. 

Dr. Anderson, along with Marlene, and the same three other nurses from the day before filed into her room at 8:00 am sharp to go over their plan again, this time with Ellie fully conscious and aware. 

Ellie glanced over at Joel while Dr. Anderson talked, hoping by the look on his face that he was understanding and retaining more than she was. Suddenly a nervous feeling settled in Ellie's stomach, like hornets stinging viciously at her insides. She thought they'd just take her blood and then they'd leave? But words like bone marrow, spinal tap, and biopsy started getting thrown around and suddenly Ellie's excitement turned into ice cold fear. 

Joel's eyes met Ellie's and, as if he was in her mind and knew what she was thinking, he said. "Can ya'll give us a second?" 

Dr. Anderson sighed, clearly frustrated already. "Time is of the essence, we don't have-" 

"You've had twenty god damn years. You can wait twenty more minutes." Joel interrupted with a sharp glare.

"It's fine, take all the time you need." Marlene said, shooting a glare of her own towards Anderson as if telling him not to push it. 

"You alright, kiddo?" Joel asked, once the room had been cleared.

Ellie gnawed on her cheek. "I thought they'd just test my blood." She admitted, sounding impossibly young. Joel's heart broke a little. 

"I reckon it's a bit more complicated than that." 

Ellie scoffed. "Yeah, no shit." 

Joel smiled sadly. "We don't have to do this, ya know. Just say the word and we'll pack up right now and head back to Jackson." 

Ellie shook her head. "No, I can do this. I want to do this." I have to do this.

"I don't doubt that for a second, kiddo. But you don't have to."

Ellie bit her lip. "What do you think of it? You've heard the plan twice now, is it a good one?"

Joel hesitated. "I'm not gonna lie to ya, kiddo, I don't trust these guys one bit. And I'm no doctor, obviously. But, as far as plans go, I reckon it's the best they've got." 

"And- and you'll stay?" Ellie asked shyly, focusing her gaze on her hands sitting in her lap as heat filled her cheeks. 

"For every second, kiddo." 

Ellie nodded, looking up at meeting Joel's eyes with a new sense of determination. "Okay. Let's do this." 

Joel didn't realize how grateful he should've been that they waited to start their tests, because as soon as they do start he instantly wishes this would've been another dead end. He wishes they never found the Fireflies and had just gone back to Jackson. Settled down in that little two story blue house, repainted that godawful pink and orange striped room, and just lived. 

But Ellie Williams was going to save the goddamn world. 

It wasn't a world worth saving. Not in Joel's opinion, at least. But Ellie wanted- no, needed -it all to mean something. And Joel wouldn't take that from her, so long as the Fireflies didn't try anything funny. 

The first thing they did was a blood draw. Which should have been easy enough, except the needle sent Ellie into a panic attack and when the nurse doing it couldn't find a vein and pricked her three times Joel all but threw her out. "Find someone else." He demanded. And fuck was it nice having him there to advocate for her. 

Nurse Taylor stepped up, waited until Ellie was calm and gave her the okay to try again, and got the needle in first try. "I should've known she was a good one when she found me scrubs with planets on them." Ellie had told Joel later as she drank her juice from a bendy straw.

"Yeah, I guess she's alright." Joel said, his voice gruff and distrusting. Frankly he didn't like a single person in this goddamn hospital; but he disliked her the least, which was something. 

For about two weeks it was nothing but blood draws; too many, in Joel's opinion. With each draw Ellie's skin got paler, purple and blue bruises standing out sharply against the skin inside of her elbow, and she got weaker. Her hands would shake as she lifted her cup to her mouth, she could no longer stay awake through the days, and getting up to go to the bathroom made her so dizzy Joel had to carry her. "We can leave anytime, kiddo." Joel reminder he gently, as his hand ran through her hair while she laid with her head on Joel's chest. 

"I'm okay. I don't want to leave, not until they get it." 

Joel didn't push, just swallowed down his reservations and held his girl a little bit tighter. 

Dr. Anderson wanted to look inside Ellie's brain. It was a quick fuck no from Joel, until Taylor explained they would just be doing an MRI. 

"Can you go in with me?" Ellie asked nervously as Joel walked next to the bed that was carrying Ellie down the hallway.

"I can't go in the machine with you, but I'll be in the room." Joel reassured her. 

"Actually, we can't let you in the room with her." One of the nurses, Payton (Ellie and Joel nicknamed her Satan) spoke up.

"And why the hell not?" 

"It's protocol." She said as if it were obvious. 

Joel looked at her like she was the dumbest person he'd ever met, and right now she was. "It's the apocalypse." He said, his tone a mix of incredulous and fuck you. 

Still, Payton persisted. "Dr. Anderson said-"

"Dr. Anderson can kiss my ass. I'm staying in the room." 

And he did. He stayed as close as possible, probably making their jobs harder, while the nurses got her situated and Taylor prepped the IV line that would fill Ellie with the contrast they needed to help see her brain. "Quick poke." She warned, making Ellie's hold on Joel's hand tighten before she even felt the prick. 

"You're okay, almost done." Joel soothed. 

"You're a rockstar, girlfriend." Taylor encouraged with a smile once she was done. "Now I'm not gonna lie to you, this thing can be kinda scary; but it's not going to hurt you. It'll be pretty loud, but you'll still be able to hear Joel right here talking to you." She reassured, shooting a small smile to Joel. 

"That's right." Joel nodded. "I'm gonna be here the whole time, kiddo." 

Ellie nodded, her face a no-nonsense mask hiding the fear that still managed to peak through her eyes. "Okay, I'm ready."

Ellie was not ready. 

"Let me out!" She screamed, her breaths coming out in quick rapid pants. Distantly she could hear Joel yelling at someone in between the reassurances he was throwing her way in an effort to calm her down. 

When all was said and done Ellie couldn't be sure that Joel didn't break the entire machine. Her arm was bleeding from where she accidentally ripped out her IV in her panic and her blood was staining Joel's flannel as he held her shaking body in his arms. 

With the help of Marlene they cleared the room, letting Ellie calm down in privacy while Marlene and Dr. Anderson discussed a new plan in the hallway. 

The best solution, which Joel made known he still hated, was that they'd put Ellie under anesthesia during the MRI. 

This plan worked well enough, until Ellie was coming to after the scan. Joel hadn't even had time to react before she was rolling onto her side and throwing up down the side of her bed. "Shit." He mumbled, jumping up and rushing to her as quickly as he could. One of his hands immediately went to hold her hair back while the other rubbed circles on her back. "Easy, easy." He soothed, his voice nothing more than a gentle whisper. "You're okay, kiddo. I gotcha. Let it all out."

(He ripped Dr. Anderson a new one after that)

Days turned into weeks, blood draws turned into spinal taps and bone marrow harvests, and Ellie turned from a lively kid to a sick shell. 

Joel detested every second of it. 

It surprised him, though, how easy it was for him to jump back into this part of fatherhood. He was right there for every poke, prod, and procedure. He held Ellie's hand while the nurses took blood samples, held her hair back when she was throwing up from anesthesia, fed her ice chips when she was too weak to lift her own cup and too sick to stomach anything else, and told her stories of Before and sheep on the moon to help get her to sleep when her body was so sore it kept her up all night. "We can leave anytime, baby girl." He'd tell her every chance he got. 

"They're so close." Ellie's voice was small and pained, and so so hopeful. "We can't leave yet."

Dr. Anderson wanted to test different medicines and their reactions to the cordyceps, which meant more meds, more MRI's, and more anesthesia. Whether it was something in Ellie's immunity or just an unlucky draw, Joel wasn't sure, but just about every medication they put through her IV made her sicker than the last. 

The medicine they gave her for her first bone marrow harvest caused her to break out in full body hives, the medicine for her spinal tap sent her into anaphylactic shock, and when they ran out of one type of anesthesia and tried a different it caused her heart to stop.

Each time Joel had her things packed and ready to leave. Each time Ellie cried and begged him to let them stay.

"You don't have to keep doing this, kiddo." Joel said, his voice careful as he watched Ellie scratch at a cluster of bumps on her arms. 

The bright pink bumps covered her entire body, standing out against her pale skin as tears of frustration pricked in her eyes. "Shut the fuck up, Joel." She snapped, scratching even harder. 

An hour later she laid in his arms, their bodies squashed against one another as he laid in her hospital bed with her. "I'm sorry." She cried, ignoring the soft shh's he'd let out. "I know I'm being a bitch, it's just so frustrating." 

"I know, kiddo. I know. You ain't gotta be sorry." 

But she did, because Joel stayed. Joel was the only one who ever stayed and all she was doing was snapping and yelling at him. 

She didn't understand why he took it. No one else ever had. But she was more grateful than she knew how to put into words. And even when her words got harsher, his hold only grew stronger. 

“I’ll be back in two seconds.” Joel had said, walking as fast as he could into the attached bathroom as Ellie laid on her side following the spinal tap she’d just had done. Taylor had helped get her settled before rushing off to find more At first Ellie thought maybe it was just the pain meds and ice chips and Joel was wobbling from holding his bladder so much Ellie sent him away with a pained smirk and lazy jab at his old age.

She thought maybe it was the way she was laying that suddenly made her chest tighten. She sat up a little straighter, her brows furrowed as she rubbed a hand across her chest and glanced towards the closed bathroom door that Joel was behind. She tried sucking in a slow, deep breath, just like he taught her to; panic crawling up her spine as it got caught halfway. She couldn't fucking breathe. 

When the bathroom door opened only a few moments later, Joel was met with the horrifying sight of Ellie kneeling on her bed, one hand holding herself up and the other clawing at her throat as her face turned red and her lips turned blue. "Ellie!" 

The next few minutes were a blur. There was yelling, lots of yelling, rough yet gentle hands moving around her, a sharp pain in her thigh, and the feeling of something cold being pressed to her face. Her panicked hands flew up, trying to smack away whatever it was, before Joel grabbed both her bony wrists in his hand. "Shh, it's okay, kiddo. I've got you, okay? I've got you. You gotta let me put this on you, Ellie. It's gonna help ya get some air." He explained, pressing the oxygen mask back to her face. Instantly her small hands wrapped around his that held the oxygen mask against her face. Her wild, panicked eyes met his. Am I going to die? "You're doing great, kiddo. Slow breaths, alright? I've got you." He reassured, a smile coming to his face despite the tears sitting in his eyes. She knew the smile was strictly for her benefit. If he had it his way he'd be shooting Anderson, Marlene, and anyone else who walked into the room right now. 

"What the hell happened?" Joel demanded once Ellie could finally breath on her own and settled into a post near-death sleep. 

"We didn't know she'd have that sort of reaction." Marlene defended, her arms crossed as she glared at Joel. "We don't exactly have her medical records here, Joel."

"She nearly died!" Joel exploded, rage pouring off of him as his hand twitched to grab the gun hidden under his flannel. 

"We've made note-" 

Joel scoffed. "Oh thank god, you've made a note." He snipped, his tone sharp and sarcastic as Marlene's eyes narrowed.

"We've made note," She repeated. "and now know not use that medication again." 

Marlene and Joel stood like that for several beats, neither backing down as they stared down the other with the harshest glare they could muster. 

Until Ellie's voice called out from her room. "Joel?" It was scratchy and quiet, but Joel heard it. He'd always hear her. 

Instantly his shoulders relaxed and his features softened as he turned on his heel and reached Ellie's side faster than Marlene could grasp. "I'm right here, baby girl. I'm right here." Joel said, his voice a soft reassurance as his hand ran through her sweaty hair. 

"Heard yelling." Ellie said, her words slightly slurred. 

"You don't gotta worry about that. Just a little disagreement s'all." Joel assured her, smiling softly as she tried to keep her eyes open. "You just get some rest, baby girl. I'm right here. Ain't goin' nowhere." 

Ellie already knew he wasn't leaving, though. And that sense of security was enough to lull her back to sleep.

The next month followed to the same beat. Blood draws, procedures, tests, and more filled their days. When they weren't running tests, Ellie was sleeping, not having the time energy to stay awake for more than an hour at a time thanks to the blood loss and lack of eating. They were killing her, and that was killing Joel. 

"Hey there, Miss Ellie." Taylor greeted, as she shuffled into the room with a bright smile on her face. 

Ellie didn't respond like she normally would, too exhausted to do anything other than lift her small hand an inch or two off the bed in a poor attempt of a wave. She just had a procedure the day before and it took a lot out of her, more so than normal; but Joel figured it was partly to do with her needing to fast for this one, then not being able to hold anything else down with the after effects of the medications. 

"She's not feelin' too well today." Joel explained, his voice gentle as his hand ran through Ellie's hair (trying not to focus too hard on how much thinner it was compared to when they got there). 

"I'm sorry, sweetie." Taylor said apologetically, and Ellie actually believed her. 

Joel's eyes locked on the needle and vile in Taylor's hands with a sinking feeling in his gut. Of course today was blood draw day. 

Taylor caught Joel's stare; her face was twisted as she thought hard, before she nodded to herself with a small smile and brought the wheelie stool over closer to the bed. "So here's what I'm thinking," Taylor started. "Today's blood draw day, but my darn shoe won't stay tied. I really need to learn to be more careful, but in my haste to get you some juice since you're just so out of it from the blood draw, I dropped the vials." Ellie's head shot up at that, her eyes widening as she listened to Taylor's dramatized story about events that haven't happened yet (and technically wouldn't) "I know, clumsy me, right?" Taylor joked. "But you're already pretty weak from the draw. It's unfortunate, but I think it'd be best we wait another week to try again. How's that sound to you, kiddo?" 

A grin spread across Ellie's face as she rested her head back on her pillow. "Fuck yeah." 

To no real surprise to Joel, tears formed in his eyes as he nodded at Taylor. "Thank you." He said softly, his voice thick with tears.

"Oh my god, fuckin' sap." Ellie teased.

"Shut up, brat. You deserve a break, sue me for being grateful you're gettin' one." 

Taylor grinned. "You're right about that. Unfortunately, kiddo, there's not much I can do about the procedure we've got scheduled on Thursday. But, hopefully this little break will get your energy up for it." 

Ellie nodded, "Thanks, Taylor." 

Joel was looking at Ellie as he spoke to Taylor, "Any chance you could help out with her nausea? She hasn't been able to keep anything down since last night and with her fasting the past two days I just- she needs to eat." 

"No meat." Ellie immediately said, eyes wide with fear. Food had been a challenge for her ever since the events of Silver Lake, and it'd only gotten worse since they'd arrived at the hospital. Most of the other nurses and doctors weren't quite as understanding as Taylor, especially Dr. Anderson. Ellie swears he'd force feed her meat if he had it his way, and he damn near tried a few times. She knew she was making it more difficult for everyone, she was dropping weight faster than what was even remotely healthy and it was showing worse and worse for her when it came to the blood draws and procedures. She couldn't help it, though. Anytime she tried to eat meat she felt like she was back there again, and it came right back up. It was a lose/lose. 

Joel sighed sympathetically. "Just something to put in her stomach." 

Taylor nodded, a knowing look on her face. "Say no more, I'll be right back." 

The second the door closed behind Taylor, Ellie shot Joel a sad look. "I'm sorry. I know I'm being difficult." 

Joel shook his head, "Got nothin' to apologize for, kiddo." 

"I just feel like we're pushing it. She already did us a favor with the blood draw, shouldn't keep adding to it." 

Joel huffed. "You being fed isn't a favor, it's a basic human right." 

"Yeah, yeah. Whatever." Ellie grumbled, suppressing a groan of pain as she shifted in her bed. 

It was small, but Joel noticed. These days Joel noticed everything. "What hurts, baby?"

"Nothing, I'm fine." Ellie lied. She didn't know why she even bothered at this point. Joel always saw through her bullshit. 

"Ellie." Ellie looked down, she couldn't handle it when he said her name like that. "You're not fine. And that's okay. But you gotta let me know, okay? What hurts?" 

Ellie was quiet before the smallest, most pathetic whimper fell out of her mouth. "Everything." 

Joel's face fell, his hand moving to wrap around Ellie as pitiful cries left her. "Oh, baby girl. It's alright, I've got you. I'm right here, I've got you." Joel soothed gently.  

Ellie didn't know at what point Joel had gently moved her body so he could fit up in the hospital bed with her, but when she finally calmed down her head was in the crook of Joel's neck and he was humming softly to her while one hand ran through her hair and the other drew gentle circles on her back. "I'm sorry." Ellie sniffled.

Joel was quick to cut her off. "Nope, none of that now."

"But-" 

"But nothin', Ellie. Don't you ever apologize for feelin'; especially not to me. Okay?" 

Ellie accepted defeat, nodding her head with another small sniffle. "Okay." 

A knock on the door pulled their attention away, Joel immediately moving as quick as he could, without causing Ellie pain, so he could be ready to fight whoever was about to come in if it came to that. "Knock, knock!" Taylor greeted in a sing song voice as she opened the door just a crack so they could see it was her. 

Joel exhaled, his shoulder sagging in relief that it was just Taylor. "Come on in." He offered, and only then did the nurse enter the room. He always appreciated that about her, too; her sense of respect and privacy.

"Hello again, friends." Taylor grinned, choosing to save Ellie's pride and not comment on her blood shot eyes and snotty nose. "I come bearing treats!" 

"Joy." Ellie sighed sarcastically. In her defense, their version of treats was typically just medicine that wouldn't make her as sick. 

"Just you wait, Miss Ellie. This is actually some pretty darn good stuff. But first, are you okay if I put this in your IV?" She asked, handing a small vile to Ellie to look over. Ellie didn't know any of what was written on the vile, but she liked knowing what was going into her body. Taylor always let her see first, and no one commented when Ellie handed it off to Joel to look at after her. She might not know what half the words meant, but she knew Joel wouldn't let them put anything bad in her. "It's just some higher strength nausea meds. We've got you on fluids already and that typically helps, but with how bad your reactions get I think you just need a little stronger of a kick. Only side effect that may get ya is frequent urination. But there's nothing in there that's blacklisted." Taylor explained. The Blacklist was something Joel came up with every time Ellie had a bad reaction. He kept tabs on the stuff that worked, the stuff that was okay and the stuff that was an absolute no way in hell. 

Joel stared at the vile before nodding and handing it back up to Taylor. He made a mental note to thank her for the care she gave to Ellie. While part of him felt it should be customary, he remembered that nothing in the apocalypse was customary. And Taylor taking these extra steps was frankly one of the only things making them stay. "I think we can handle a little extra urine, right kiddo?" 

Ellie's face scrunched up. "As long as you promise to never say urine again. Yuck."

Joel scoffed. "Oh, I'm sorry." He said sarcastically. "What would you rather I call it?" 

"I don't know? Fuckin' piss?" 

"Alright, then I guess we can handle more fuckin' piss, right kiddo?" 

"Fuck off." Ellie giggled, before turning to Taylor. "Yeah, you can go ahead and give it to me." 

Taylor was quick to insert the needle into the line that was already set up. "There we go, and while we wait for that to kick in I've got your second surprise." 

Joel and Ellie both watched as Taylor set up the tray next to Ellie's bed; placing a styrofoam cup on it, a small container, and water. "What the fuck is all that?" Ellie asked.

"A milkshake!" Taylor explained. "Well, kinda. It's an apocalypse milkshake. I found some strawberry protein powder, Before it was used here primarily for cancer patients during chemo to help get their weight up. A lot of people used it, though. Athletes especially. But, the hospital has a ton in the Oncology ward. Figured we could try some out." Taylor made a show of making the drink for Ellie as she explained, before plopping a straw in it and handing it to Ellie. 

Joel tried not to let it show on his face just how it made him feel when she compared Ellie's situation to that of a fucking cancer patient.

Ellie was hesitant, sniffing it first before shooting a nervous glance over to Joel. He smiled softly, giving her a nod of encouragement before she brought the straw to her mouth. Taylor and Joel both watched with anticipation, until a smile broke out on Ellie's face. "Holy fucking shit balls, this is amazing!" Taylor clapped her hands and Joel nearly teared up again.

"Yay!" Taylor cheered. "It's not a perfect solution, but this will help fill you up and has the protein and nutrients you'll need to get your energy up. And it should be easy on your stomach, especially with the meds you got now. But if you start to feel worse for any reason, you know where to find me." 

"Thank you, Taylor."

As soon as the door was shut Ellie was taking a huge gulp and shoving the cup towards Joel's face. "Joel, you've gotta try this! It's so good, holy shit! They didn't have anything like this at fucking FEDRA."

Joel gently pushed it back to her. "I'm okay, baby girl. You drink up."

Ellie didn't fight him on it, just brought the cup back to her mouth and drank some more. "Do you think they'll have milkshakes in Jackson?" 

Joel thought back to the farm and cows they'd seen as he nodded. "Yeah, I reckon they will."

"Fuckin' sweet." 

The protein shakes weren't half bad in helping get Ellie's energy levels up, which Joel was increasingly thankful for. But in the end, it just meant that with her energy up, they wanted to run even more tests. 

It all came crashing down, though, when they had to put her under anesthesia for a procedure that Joel didn't necessarily understand. Joel watched from the observation window like he always did. Originally he threw a fit when they told him he wouldn't be allowed in the room for procedures, but the window was an okay compromise, really only thanks to Taylor and her always being in the room with Ellie. She rarely did anything aside from holding the girls hand, even as she was under from the anesthesia. But it relieved Joel to know there was at least one person in there advocating for Ellie and comforting her. 

Everything was going fine with the procedure, until they announced they were finishing up, seconds before Ellie's pressure bottomed out and she flat lined. 

Joel's ears were ringing, his vision going dark. No. Not again. Don't take another daughter from me. He thought, praying to a God that he didn't even believe in. You can't have her. Take me. You take me. Beyond the ringing, Joel could hear various shouts as everyone scrambled around Ellie. Someone shouted to maintain the vessel like she wasn't a fourteen year old girl fighting for her life for them. Someone else yelled to cut her head open while they had the chance, so they could study her brain. 

Joel wanted to throw up. 

"Come on, baby girl." He whispered, his eyes never once leaving Ellie's limp, lifeless body. "Don't you do this to me, don't you fucking dare do this to me, Ellie Miller." He spoke out loud, not even fully realizing what he was saying as he spoke as if his words alone could heal her. Could heal the University and Silver Lake and this godforsaken hospital that just kept taking and taking. 

He watched as Taylor shoved past another nurse to grab the crash cart, shouting clear before Ellie's body was jolting under the electric shocks. 

One shock.

Two shocks.

Three shocks.

"Come on, baby girl." 

And finally, a heart beat. "I've got her back." Taylor panted, her eyes finding Joel's in the window as her hands fell back onto Ellie. She only nodded once at the man, before her full attention went back to his girl. 

Joel's knees buckled, and if it weren't for the death grip he had on the ledge of the window, he would've fallen over. Thank you. Thank you. 

Joel was outside of the doors before they even wheeled Ellie through. "She's going to be fine." Taylor immediately reassured.

"We're done. We're leaving." Joel interrupted. It didn't matter how nice Taylor was, his little girl nearly died. Hell, she did die. By some miracle he was just lucky enough to get her back. He wouldn't risk it again. 

"Joel-" Dr. Anderson tried, only getting a finger in his face.

"You said it was safe. What the hell happened?" Joel demanded, his face downright murderous. 

"We had no way of knowing-"

"Bullshit!" Joel spat. "It's been two months, you know damn well what works and what doesn't, so what the fuck did you do?" 

"Mr. Miller-" 

"Joel." Taylor spoke up. "Will you let me take Ellie to her room? I don't want her to wake up in the hallway with everyone around. I'll stay with her while you two...talk." Taylor suggested, somewhat hesitantly. She may be in Joel's good graces, but no one wanted to be the one to stand between him and his kid.

"Alright." He huffed, his eyes dropping down to Ellie, before locking back on Anderson. "But we ain't finished."

Fifteen minutes and four bloody knuckles later, Joel was sitting in his spot next to Ellie, running his hands through her hair waiting for her to wake up. Dr. Anderson wanted a nurse to monitor Ellie, at least until she came to, and Joel was quick to grab Taylor. 

She didn't try talking to him, and for that he was thankful. And when Ellie finally came to an hour later with a whimper of pain, she kept her distance; watching her stats from the corner of the room and making note of whatever she needed to while Joel coaxed Ellie back to consciousness. "Easy, easy there, baby girl." He soothed softly. 

"Dad." Ellie whimpered, her cracked voice barely audible. But Joel heard her, loud and clear. And he swore in that moment his heart grew ten sizes. 

"Yeah, baby." Joel said, his voice thick, "Yeah, I'm right here. I'm right here, Ellie. Can you open your eyes for me?" 

It was a process, Ellie slowly blinking her eyes open with the occasional whimper and cry of pain while Joel whispered soft words of encouragement. "Good girl, there ya go. Easy, baby." 

"Joel?" Ellie's voice was weak, her words slurred as she tried desperately to gain an awareness of her surroundings. 

Everything hurt. Her limbs were heavy and felt like they were liquid, laying limply next to her while she didn't have the ability to raise them. It felt like the blood in her veins had turned into lava, burning her body from the inside out with a searing, white hot pain that hit her everywhere all at once. She was dying, she knew she had to be. Because nothing could hurt this bad if it wasn't simply death. "'m dying, 'm dead." Ellie slurred, more whimpers falling out of her mouth as she used all energy she could to move her hand and grasp onto Joel's arm. 

"No, no baby you ain't dead. You're alright now, I've gotcha." 

"Hurts." 

"I know, I know, sugar." They kept like that for awhile, Ellie crying softly while Joel held her in his arms and whispered reassurances into her ears, trying to ignore the way his heart was breaking in his chest. All he wanted to do was switch places with her, take Ellie's spot and endure the endless pain even for just a little while. But he couldn't, so he held her a little tighter and pressed a soft kiss to her hairline. "I've got you, baby girl."

It only seemed to get worse after that day. Turns out dying takes a lot out of a person, especially a malnourished fourteen year old. Most days Ellie slept through the entire day, hardly stirring when the nurses would come in to check vitals. She couldn't stomach food at all, and even the protein shakes Taylor would make for were hard on her now. They had to get her smaller scrubs when hers started falling off of her due to the weight loss, which also made her dizzy, weak, and cold when she was awake. Her pale skin was practically ashen now and her bones protruded from her skin. She looked like death, and it took everything in Joel not to grab her and take her as far away from that place as possible. 

"Can we talk for a second, baby girl?" Joel had asked softly on one of Ellie's "good" days (which really just meant she was able to keep herself awake) a few days after the failed procedure. 

Ellie nodded, a shiver going through her body as she gazed up at Joel with soft, tired eyes.

"I think it's time we leave, Ellie. They're not any closer than they were when we first got here. It's been months, and you're- you're wasting away here, baby girl. I can't- I can't sit by and watch anymore, I just can't." 

Panic filled Ellie's eyes and her heart rate monitor matched with her panicked breaths. "Please don't leave me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll be better, I promise. I just- I can't do this without you. Please." 

Joel's eyes widened, his heart sinking as he realized how Ellie took his words. "Woah, hey no. No, baby girl; I ain't leaving, I swear it. I'm so sorry, Ellie; that's not what I meant. I just meant I think it's time we both leave." Joel explained. 

"B-but- but the cure."

Joel shook his head. "Darlin', I don't think there's gonna be a cure." Ellie's face crumbled, and Joel wished more than just about anything that it wasn't because of his words. "When this thing started twenty years ago they said there wasn't even a chance for a cure, baby. You tried, Ellie. You tried so hard, and I'm so damn proud of you, baby girl. But this is killin' you, and I can't let that happen." 

A pout formed on Ellie's small face, making her look even younger than she already did. "But I'm supposed to save the world." Her voice was small, and dammit if Joel's heart didn't shatter in his chest.

"This world ain't worth savin', Ellie. Not if it's willing to do this to a kid for just the chance of a cure." 

"But what about Tess and Sam and Henry and-and Ri-?" Ellie cut herself off. "What happens when you get bit and I can't save you?" Ellie cried, the dam breaking as crocodile tears fell down her cheeks. 

"Oh, baby girl." Joel soothed, scooting her little body so he was sat next to her on the hospital bed. He tried not to think about the fact that he had more room than he'd had when they first arrived. "You already did save me. And it ain't your job to worry about that, darlin'. I reckon that's my job now." 

"But- but it has to mean something. It-it can't all be for nothing." Ellie cried in between hiccups and stuttering breaths. 

"You tried, kiddo. That's all anyone can do and it's more than most people would." 

"It's not enough." 

"It's more than enough, Ellie." Joel said, his voice taking on a new urgent tone. "Please listen to me, kiddo. You are bigger than the world, Ellie Williams. It's time for you to live now, baby. So let's go home, let's give them some time to think through more options and if in a couple years you want to try again; we will." 

A look of newfound hope filled Ellie's eyes. "Really?" She asked, her voice a whisper.

"Yes, baby girl. If that's what you want." 

Ellie thought for a minute, before her face crumbled and fresh tears filled her eyes. "I think I want to go home." 

Oh baby girl, you're breakin' my heart. "Shh, it's okay. We'll talk to Marlene tomorrow about a new plan, okay? Just get some rest baby." 

It didn't take long, with Joel's arms wrapped around Ellie, holding her against his chest, for her cries to turn into whimpers, until she eventually cried herself to sleep. And Joel would deny it if anyone asked, but he felt a few tears of his own slip out, too. 

As promised, the next morning Joel asked Taylor to bring him Marlene and Dr. Anderson. "First, I want you to level with me." Joel said to the nurse. "Are y'all gettin' anywhere with a cure?" 

Taylor's sad smile told him everything he needed to know. "No, we're not. As much as I'd love to see a cure get made, it's just-" Taylor hesitated, struggling with finding the right words to say. "It's not worth her." 

Taylor sat with a still sleeping Ellie while Joel stepped into the hall to talk with Marlene and Dr. Anderson. "It's been months." Joel stressed. "Y'all ain't gettin' anywhere and she's dying. So we're done. I'm takin' her and you can run your little tests on what you've got so far and in a year or so if she wants we'll come back and try again. But I'm not keepin' her here. She's a kid, she deserves to live." 

"You can't take her." Dr. Anderson immediately interjected. Joel knew he'd be the difficult one. Marlene knew Anna, and as much as he hated Marlene, he could tell it hurt her too, seeing Ellie like this. 

"Don't you dare tell me I can't take my kid, doc." Joel threatened. 

"This is the world, we're talking about, Joel. A cure." 

"She's my world! And you are killin' her! We've given you months and there's been no progress. So we're going to wait until she gets her energy back up, and then we're gone. End of discussion." 

Joel stormed back into the room, taking a deep breath in through his nose before taking Taylor's spot in the chair next to Ellie's bed. "You're doing the right thing, Mr. Miller." 

"Thank you, Taylor. Not just for that, but- hell for everything. You're the only reason she made it through this." 

Taylor smiled, looking at Ellie then back at Joel. "Nah, she's the reason she made it through this. I like to believe I helped, and I know for a fact that you did, but this little girl is the strongest kid I've ever met. I don't know many adults who could've endured this and she did it with the bravest little face I've ever seen. It was all her." 

Damn straight it was. Joel thought to himself, a look of pride covering his face as he smiled down at his girl. 

It should've been a red flag for Joel, when a nurse who wasn't Taylor came in with a new fluid bag for Ellie. "Marlene sent me, this'll help get her energy back up faster for when you guys leave." She explained, not giving Joel a chance to object before hooking it up to Ellie's IV. Joel had only nodded, the relief of knowing they were almost done and leaving overpowering everything else. 

He'd never really forgive himself for that. 

Ellie didn't stir the rest of the day, something Joel was slightly wary of. It wasn't until Taylor came in, stuffed giraffe in hand, that the red flags really came. 

"I know this place won't exactly hold any fond memories for you two, but she talks about those dang giraffes you saw every chance she gets. Figured she might like this." Taylor grinned, placing the giraffe next to Ellie on the bed. 

"She'll love it." Joel smiled. 

Taylor's brows furrowed slightly when Ellie didn't even stir at the movement on her bed. "She's pretty conked out, huh?"

Joel nodded. "Yeah, whatever that nurse gave her seemed to really put her under." 

Taylor's head turned sharply towards Joel. "What nurse?"

Instantly Joel sat up straighter in her seat. "Didn't get her name. Said Marlene sent her." 

Taylor nodded. "I'm gonna go grab Marlene, okay? I just- I want to be sure that was authorized. Don't let anyone else in." 

Joel didn't need to be told twice, and by the time Taylor returned, Marlene in tow, he already had all their bags packed and ready to go. 

"What the hells going on?" Joel demanded, watching as Taylor set a cooler down before piling various meds and vials inside. Marlene made a beeline to Ellie, yanking the IV straight of her arm. "Hey!" Joel shouted, grabbing the woman's forearm.

"Sh! Keep your goddamn voice down and listen to me." Marlene snapped, her voice low and deadly. "Those meds weren't authorized by me, it was Anderson. He got antsy when you said you were leaving; goddamn desperate. Decided he'd go straight to the source." 

"Straight to the source?" 

"The cordyceps themselves." Marlene explained. 

"But- cordyceps grow in the brain." Joel said slowly. Deep down he knew what that meant. He knew exactly what that meant, and he had to swallow back the urge to vomit right there. 

"It was the only thing we didn't try, because we knew it'd kill her." Marlene explained. "Once you said you were leaving he didn't care about that anymore, wanted to cut her open. If that IV stayed in she'd be comatose in hours. Dead by morning." 

"Jesus." 

"Taylor, how we doing over there?" 

Taylor rushed over. "I've got it all." Taylor said, extending the cooler out to Joel. "I've labeled everything. There are meds in here that she has to take to help combat the drugs that are in her system already. If we give it to her right now it could shock her system though, so wait six hours. No more. I've written it all down for you in here. I added additional meds for good measure. Don't forget to check the Blacklist before giving them to her, though. I added a bit of everything for that community of yours you're heading to. Take care of that little girl, okay?"

Joel nodded, trying to take everything in while the words comatose and dead still rang violently in his head. "What about Anderson? Is he gonna come after her?"

Marlene shook her head. "He won't be a problem for you. But we need to go now." 

Joel moved with quick, yet gentle motions as he slid one arm under Ellie's legs and the other under her back. He lifted her carefully, her head instantly lulling against his arm. She weighed next to nothing, Joel realized as he mentally added another tack under the failure column in his head. 

His hold on her tightened as they made their way from the hospital room they'd called home for the past few months into the hallway. Marlene led, while Taylor pulled up the rear. Joel stared down at Ellie once they piled into the elevator. Her face was the most peaceful he'd ever seen it, and it shook him to his core knowing it was because the life was being sucked right out of her. He couldn't help but let his mind wonder to the last time he held a little girl in his arms like this; twenty goddamn years ago. He knew how that story ended, and as he stared down at Ellie's face he made a promise to himself that he'd be damn sure hers wouldn't end the same way. 

"It's gonna be okay now, I've got you baby girl. We're going home."

back on my tlou shit again 

this’ll be the first installment of my collection Begin Again- just little snippets of Joel & Ellie in Jackson my way :)

feel free to leave a comment if that’s your thing- i love reading them <3 enjoy!!