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Wooyoung can hear voices and laughter as soon as he steps out of his car. It makes him smile as he shoulders his bag on and shuts the trunk. The front door is thrown open before he's even made it to the porch, and San comes running down the stairs towards him. Throwing his arms around Wooyoung’s shoulders and hugging him tightly.
"Youngie, I'm so happy you made it," he says, words pressed into his neck.
Wooyoung inhales deeply, taking in the comforting scent of home. It's only been six months since the last time he visited, but that's six months too long.
He pulls back and looks at him with a teasing grin. "As if I would ever miss your wedding."
"I know," San says. He hooks their arms together, leading them towards the door. "Everyone is going to be so happy to see you. Seonghwa is even making your favourite for dinner."
"I wasn't supposed to get in until tomorrow though," Wooyoung says as they stop outside the door.
San waves him off. "Seonghwa knows these things. He just kept saying he knew you'd be here today. He's going to be so smug about being right."
"Must be an age thing," Wooyoung grins.
"Maybe," San giggles. "I can only hope to be that intuitive one day."
"I don't know," Wooyoung says. "I'd say you're already pretty intuitive."
San looks at him, gaze assessing. "Maybe you're right. But I don't need to be that intuitive to know the reason you haven't been home in months, is because you're avoiding Hongjoong."
When Wooyoung's eyes widen, and he looks worriedly towards the front door, San adds, "Don't worry. He's not here right now. But he’ll be back soon."
Wooyoung nods, the dull ache in his chest that he's been nursing for years returning at the mention of Hongjoong’s name.
San sighs. "What happened between you two? And don't tell me, it's nothing because you've both been acting weird. And not just these last few months. It's been ever since you left for college."
"It's…" nothing is right on the tip of his tongue, but Wooyoung knows better than to say it. He knows San would be able to read right through any lie he told regardless. "We…"
"San, will you stop interrogating the poor kid before he's even made it into the house?"
Wooyoung has never been so happy to see Seonghwa. He turns towards the door to see him standing there, one hand on his hip as he regards the younger friends.
"Hi," Wooyoung says. "It's good to see you."
Seonghwa’s face softens as he turns to Wooyoung, his arms open, and he immediately steps into them. "Oh, it's good to see you too, Wooyoung," Seonghwa says. "We've all missed you. How have you been since we last saw you?”
"Good, but I have missed home," Wooyoung says. "And actual food."
"You look like you need it," He says. "It's like you could just float away."
San snorts. "Please, with those muscles?" He elbows Wooyoung playfully.
"He still needs a good meal," Seonghwa mumbles, grabbing Wooyoung's arm and leading him into the house. "Come on. You can help me in the kitchen, and we can catch up. San, take his bag upstairs, will you?"
"You do know this isn’t actually your house, right?” San blinks. Seonghwa just stares at him in response.
And just like that, things are back to normal. This is like any other day spent at San & Yeosang’s house. And he's spent a lot of time here. They’ve all known each other since they were teenagers. Ever since he was a shy 15-year-old, and a 16-year-old Hongjoong had rescued him from being picked on. He’d then introduced him to his friend group, Wooyoung had been scared, but they’d changed his life for the better. After that, he had friends and more family than he'd ever thought to hope for. He still had his parents, of course, but his parents had moved to Andong during Wooyoung’s junior year of high school, and Wooyoung had stayed in Seoul with San’s family.
And ever since San and Yeosang had moved into San’s family home together, after his parents had bought a camper van and decided to hit the open road as an early retirement, he’d spent a long time in this house. It's more a home to him than the house he grew up in. He's missed it
But San was right. He had been avoiding coming back.
"So, how is college?" Seonghwa asks him, breaking Wooyoung out of his thoughts.
"It’s good," Wooyoung says. "Classes are only getting harder, but you know I like a challenge, so I’m managing fine. Plus it’s nice being a bit closer to my parents again”
"Oh good," Seonghwa says. "It's nice for you to see them more often."
Wooyoung nods. "Yeah."
Seonghwa eyes him over his cup of coffee. "Something on your mind Wooyoung?"
"Just tired," Wooyoung says, which isn't a total lie. "Had a lot of late nights studying for finals, and then it was a long drive."
Seonghwa nods and pats his hand. "Why don't you go up and take a nap? We'll wake you for dinner."
"But…"
"No buts," he says. "You're clearly exhausted. What kind of hyung would I be if I let you pass out in your jajangmyeon?"
Wooyoung cracks a smile. "Yeah, alright. I suppose I could use some rest.
He makes it upstairs without bumping into anyone else. Looking around his old room, it's still the same as when he lived here. There are band posters lining the walls, an acoustic guitar sits in the corner of the room by his desk, a remnant from the time he learned to play when he was sixteen. He walks over to his desk and picks up one of the pictures. It's from a few years ago, just before he'd left for college. He's standing between Mingi and Hongjoong, his body leaning into Hongjoong’s, as he laughs at something the other had said.
He can't remember what it was now. Other events of that night have come to overshadow that moment. But here, in this photograph, he gets to see a time before everything changed. Before he took a chance and fucked everything up.
He hears Hongjoong before he sees him. The sound of his laughter is still so familiar, even after all this time. He used to take comfort in the sound. Now it just sends his own heart racing in his chest.
"Wooyoung."
Wooyoung closes his eyes at the sound of his name coming from Hongjoong’s lips.
"I love you."
"No, you don't. You can't."
"I do, Hongjoong. I love you."
"Wooyoung…"
"Wooyoung?"
Wooyoung takes a deep breath, shaking himself from the memory as he turns his head to look at Hongjoong. He's standing in the doorway, watching him, a look Wooyoung can't quite read on his face.
Wooyoung always prided himself on being able to read Hongjoong well. Or at least he thought he could. Maybe if he had, he'd have known better than to say what he did.
"Hey, Hongjoong."
"I thought you weren't getting in until tomorrow," Hongjoong says, taking a cautious step into the room.
"I got all my exams and assignments done early," Wooyoung says. He puts the picture down and turns to face Hongjoong fully. "So I was able to leave sooner"
"Oh," Hongjoong says. "Good."
Wooyoung raises an eyebrow. "Is it?"
Hongjoong’s face pinches. "Of course it is. Everyone's missed you."
"I wasn't talking about everyone," Wooyoung mutters.
"Wooyoung," Hongjoong sighs, jolting Wooyoung back to that night. When he'd stood in this very same room with Hongjoong, but so much closer. The distance between them now makes his heart ache. He knows better than to cross the invisible line between them though. He's been keeping his distance for years now, giving Hongjoong the space he wants. He's not about to break it now, just because Hongjoong’s standing in front of him again for the first time in so long, looking soft and Wooyoung would suppose, happy. He's heard from the rest of them that he has been.
Wooyoung runs a hand down his face and closes his eyes. "Look, you made it clear how you feel, and I'm not here to dredge all that up again. I'm only here for San and Yeosang."
"I know."
"Then why are you up here?"
"Is it wrong of me to want to see you?" Hongjoong asks, voice soft. There's an underlying sadness in his voice that Wooyoung wants to chase away. "We were so close before…."
Before. Before Wooyoung bared his soul and told him that he loved him. Before Hongjoong had rejected him. Before Wooyoung had gone off to college and spent years trying and failing to get over him, while avoiding him like the plague.
He thought distance would make it easier. It didn't.
It's clear now, standing here in front of Hongjoong, that he loves him now just as much as he did that night.
Not that he’s going to tell Hongjoong that. He's learned his lesson.
“Things are different now, Hongjoong,” Wooyoung says. And oh how he wishes they weren’t.
“They don’t have to be,” Hongjoong says.
“Yes, they do,” Wooyoung says. “I can’t just ignore what happened. Believe me. I’ve been trying. I’ve tried avoiding you to make it easier on you….”
“I never wanted that,” Hongjoong says.
“Hongjoong, you told me you needed space and that I needed to go off to college and find myself,” Wooyoung says.
“And that was true then,” Hongjoong says, edging closer. “Wooyoung, you were only eighteen. You couldn’t have known what you wanted back then.”
Wooyoung laughs, and it sounds bitter to his own ears. “Really? Eighteen is old enough for people to decide what they want to do with the rest of their lives.”
“And some people change their minds,” Hongjoong says.
“Not everyone,” Wooyoung says.
Hongjoong’s closer now. All Wooyoung would have to do is reach out, and he could touch him, but he keeps his arms at his sides with his fists clenched. He’s trying so hard to keep himself together. He can feel his fingernails digging into his palms, but he doesn’t let up.
Hongjoong must notice because his eyes widen, and he reaches out for him. “Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung jerks back, trying to put more space between them. It’s hard with Wooyoung’s back pressed against the desk, but he does his best. “Don’t.”
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Hongjoong says. "I never wanted that."
Wooyoung shakes his head. “Hongjoong, you already have.”
It’s not fair. Wooyoung knows it’s not. But seeing Hongjoong again has brought up all that old heartbreak. He’d spent all his time in high school keeping his feelings for Hongjoong hidden, knowing nothing could happen with him. Not then.
But the night before he left, he just couldn’t hold back any longer, and he’d told Hongjoong he loved him and tried to kiss him right here in his room. Only for Hongjoong to shatter whatever dream he might have had of them being together one day. He’d pushed him away.
He gets it. He does. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Still, guilt washed over him as Hongjoong flinched back. “You know I never set out to deliberately hurt you.”
“I know,” Wooyoung says. “I understand what you were doing, you didn't have feelings for me. That’s fine. But I just can't….”
“You’re wrong,” Hongjoong says.
Wooyoung frowns. “What?”
“You’re wrong, Wooyoung.” Hongjoong takes a deep breath, and his eyes slip closed for a moment. When he opens them, he can’t meet Wooyoung’s eyes and instead focuses his gaze somewhere over Wooyoung’s shoulder. “I didn’t turn you down because I didn’t have feelings for you. It's because your life was just starting. You deserved to go out into the world and find yourself. Find out what you really wanted. I didn’t know where my life was going back then, but I knew I couldn’t go with you, I couldn't hold you back."
Wooyoung reaches out, his fingers lightly brushing against Hongjoong’s arm. “Hongjoong, you never would have held me back.”
Hongjoong smiles tightly. “You don’t know that.”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Kim Hongjoong, if you are bothering Wooyoung and not letting him rest, I swear-” Seonghwa shouts up the stairs.
Hongjoong winces. “I guess I should let you rest.”
Wooyoung could argue, but he doesn’t. He knows it won't do any good. Hongjoong’s already backing away and turning towards the door. “I’ll see you at dinner.”
Wooyoung nods, even though Hongjoong can’t see him. “Yeah.”
“And Wooyoung?”
“Yeah?”
“For what it’s worth, I really am glad you’re here.”
It’s worth a lot. Certainly more than Wooyoung can voice out loud. “Yeah, me too. I’ve um…” he should stop there. Let Hongjoong go, but he can’t stop himself from saying, “I’ve missed you.”
The smile Hongjoong gives him when he turns to look at him is sad. “I’ve missed you too.”
And then he’s gone, the door to Wooyoung’s room closing behind him. Wooyoung sighs and falls back onto the bed. He’s not sure how he’s supposed to sleep now. Not with his mind replaying the conversation with Hongjoong over and over in his head.
You deserved to find yourself and what you really wanted.
If only he knew that this whole time what Wooyoung really wants is him. That hasn’t changed since he left for college. He doubts it ever will. But he’s not about to have another replay of that night. So he pushes the thought away and somehow manages to get some sleep.
He dreams of Hongjoong.
***
“Okay, you’re going to have to talk to him again,” San says, glancing at Wooyoung in the mirror. Yunho is sitting on the desk in front of him, while he helps San straighten out his tie.
“Talk to who?” Wooyoung asks, deciding the best tactic is to play dumb. Even if it’s not going to last. Not with San.
“Oh, you know exactly who I’m talking about, Jung Wooyoung,” San says. “Hongjoong has been moping around here ever since you two talked, so whatever you said to him, fix it.”
Wooyoung bristles at that. “Excuse me? Who said I need to fix anything? He’s not the one that got his heart broken.”
Everyone stills, including Wooyoung. He hadn’t meant to say that much. In fact, he hadn’t meant to say anything. San waves his hands, brushing Yunho away as he turns to face Wooyoung. “Explain yourself.”
When Wooyoung remains silent, San narrows his eyes and points a finger at him. “Now, Wooyoungie. This is my wedding day and I won’t have it ruined by whatever unresolved thing is going on between you and Hongjoong.”
“I told him I loved him, okay?” Wooyoung sighs and falls back into one of the chairs littered around the room.
The two men gasp and settle into the chairs around him. “You told him you loved him?” Yunho asks. Wooyoung nods. “When?”
“The night before I left for college,” Wooyoung says. “I told him I loved him and tried to kiss him. And well… clearly, it didn’t go well.”
“That’s why you’ve been avoiding him,” San guesses.
“He said I needed to figure out who I am and what I want,” Wooyoung says bitterly. “But I already know that. I might have changed and grown since then, but my feelings haven’t.”
“You still love him,” Yunho says, smiling sadly.
Wooyoung nods. “I’ll always love him.”
“Then tell him that,” San says.
Wooyoung’s eyes widened. “What? And get my heart broken again.”
“That won’t happen,” San says.
“Trust us, this has been hard on Hongjoong, too,” Yunho says.
“Yeah, he’s been insufferable ever since you left,” San says. “Especially when you stopped coming to visit if he was here.”
“I wouldn’t even know where to start,” Wooyoung admits. He’s not about to walk up to Hongjoong and just tell him he loves him. He’s been down that road.
“Well, you could start with what you've told us,” San says.
“Or with a dance,” Yunho suggests. “Sparks do tend to fly at weddings.”
“You’re just saying that because that’s how you and Mingi finally got together,” Wooyoung says.
“No, it’s a proven fact,” Yunho says. "People get sappy at weddings."
“Just ask him to dance,” San says. “What’s the worst that could happen?”
Wooyoung doesn’t point out that Hongjoong could say no. It wouldn’t do any good, so he just agrees, and San goes back to preparing for his wedding.
It’s a really nice ceremony, as far as weddings go. It’s in their backyard, which has been decorated for both the wedding and the reception after. Wooyoung sits back, watching as Yeosang and San exchange their vows. It’s nice to see them both so happy and obviously in love. Towards the end, he starts to get a feeling someone is watching him. He doesn’t have to look far. His eyes drift to San’s right, where his eyes meet Hongjoong's. Hongjoong smiles and looks away, back towards the happy couple..
After the ceremony, Wooyoung helps get everything in order for the reception. He’s kept pretty busy, which is a momentary reprieve from thinking about Hongjoong and just what exactly he’s going to say to him. But when things start settling down, dinner is served, and the dancing begins, Wooyoung finds himself left alone as everyone pairs off to dance.
San raises an eyebrow at him from his table, and he nods his head to where Hongjoong is standing by the champagne table, talking to Seonghwa. “Go,” he mouths silently.
Wooyoung sighs but gets to his feet. It doesn’t take long for Hongjoong to notice him coming. “Wooyoung.”
“Hey, Joongie,” Wooyoung says. He rubs the back of his neck nervously. “Would you uh… Do you want to dance?”
“I’d love to,” Hongjoong says. He holds out his hand for Wooyoung to take and then leads him out to the middle of the dance floor.
Hongjoong’s hands settle on his waist while Wooyoung’s hang loosely around his neck. They sway in silence while Wooyoung tries to think about what he wants to say. He looks at Hongjoong, who’s smiling softly, hummings along with the song under his breath. Wooyoung knows if there was ever a moment to do this, it's now.
“You’re wrong, you know,” Wooyoung says, his tone casual.
"I often am" Hongjoong raises an eyebrow. “What about specifically?”
“I never needed to find what I wanted,” Wooyoung tells him, jumping right into it. “It was always right here.”
“Wooyoung…”
“No, I need you to listen,” Wooyoung says. “I know you were trying to do what’s best for me back then. I appreciate that. I may have been too young and stubborn to get it then, but I’m not now. I know what I want and who I love, and that is and always has been you. It's not going to change. Even if you tell me I shouldn’t. I won’t stop loving you, Hongjoong.”
To Wooyoung’s surprise, a smile creeps slowly onto Hongjoong's face. His arms slide around Wooyoung’s back, pulling him closer. They’re not even swaying to the music anymore, they're just standing there pressed together in the middle of the dancefloor, only focused on each other. “I’m not going to tell you that you shouldn’t love me.”
“You’re not?”
Hongjoong shakes his head. “No. Because I've also spent a lot of time thinking over these past few years, especially last night after our talk. I don’t regret telling you no back then. I don’t think either of us was ready. But now…”
“We are?”
Hongjoong nods. “We are. At least I am.”
Wooyoung laughs. “Hongjoong, after everything I’ve said, are you really doubting I’m ready for this?”
“No,” Hongjoong says. “But I always want you to know you have a choice, Wooyoung.”
Wooyoung takes Hongjoong’s face in his hands and smiles. “That's great, thanks, but I will always choose you.”
Wooyoung has spent years wondering what it would be like to kiss Hongjoong, to have his lips finally moving against his, soft, sweet and lingering; it’s better than anything his imagination could ever have come up with. Because it’s real. Even better is the little moments between kisses, when they’re standing close, foreheads pressed together, Hongjoong murmuring into the small space between them, words Wooyoung has been longing to hear.
“I love you.”
He just has to look into Hongjoong’s eyes to know he means it. And this time, when Wooyoung says the words, it’s not out of fear or urgency. It’s simple, a truth between them.
“I love you, Hongjoong.”
Or well, between them and all the cheering wedding guests. Somewhere in the crowd, he hears Jongho shout, “Finally!” and he laughs.
Finally, indeed.