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Before he opened his eyes he heard Yanqing mumbling to himself but he couldn’t make anything out of it besides ‘general’ and, maybe, ‘sorry’. Nevertheless, he knew what it was about. His little helper couldn’t help him because he thought too much about his own skill. He couldn’t even face Fantilia with others and make his input into a fight with her because he turned out to be that under skilled and he was out of battle before it even started. If only Yanqing was strong enough, Jing Yuan wouldn’t be hurt that badly. When, in reality, Jing Yuan was not sure he would let the boy fight Fantilia even if Yanqing’s skill was sufficient.
Jing Yuan thought, maybe Yanqing never imagined that there was somebody equal or stronger than his general, because he was a child. It must have been such a revelation for him.
He opened his eyes and looked at Yanqing. The kid didn’t notice he woke up yet, he was looking at his own hands, picking his nails. He would never do that if he knew Jing Yuan was watching. Because it was kiddish and Yanqing claimed he was not a kid anymore.
And he would never show general his tears. He didn’t cry now, but Jing Yuan knew he did earlier. Most likely in some other room when he was sure nobody could catch a sound of his silent sob hence see him.
Jing Yuan made a move with his hand to touch Yanqing but it startled the boy. Why, Jing Yuan was not sure, and before he could say anything the kid ran away.
When a staff member who, apparently, looked after his wounds, showed up in a few seconds, Jing Yuan thought Yanqing ran away so fast just to ask for their help. The nurse was called by him, sure, but it didn’t explain why the kid didn’t return with them.
Not like it was a good place or time for Jing Yuan to say to Yanqing what he had to say. It didn’t feel good as he knew the kid’s heart was broken the moment Jing Yuan showed up after his battle with Kafka, Blade and Dan Heng. He knew how eager the kid must have been to hear something besides ‘now is not the time’ and he knew Yanqing understood well why maintaining his wrongdoings or addressing him at all was not a priority. But Jing Yuan wanted to manage his pupil, his kid, especially in a moment he needed it, and he knew that while he could trust Yanqing’s reasoning, it was not as strong as his heart.
***
The next day he was on his legs already, and while his subordinates were approaching him carefully but still with very urgent matters, the paperwork was straightforward and merciless and didn’t care about wounds nor sad kids. It flushed him into an endless flood of going here and there, speaking with irritated officials, messaging special guests, solving problems and resolving conflicts.
Not a moment for personal affairs, and no little helpers to diminish the madness of post crisis administrative issues. Yanqing vanished from his sight completely. Well, he used to sneak off sometimes, especially when there was a good deal in a weapon shop. Or when the deal was sealed and Yanqing brought a new sword home and he was so excited to try it after the working day that it distracted him from his duties and Jing Yuan just had to let him go. Otherwise, most of the days Yanqing was his little shadow.
Jing Yuan caught himself giving documents to his side where Yanqing usually was. When no cheerful ‘Yes, General!’ came after his brief instruction, he noticed he was alone at his table. He asked Qingzu if she saw Yanqing, and she said he was running errands for Divine Foresight, and he messaged her asking for some more work in town. She seemed a little surprised that Jing Yuan didn’t know, as she was sure it was the general's orders, Yanqing usually was not so hot about dealing with small tasks and always asked to help around more serious problems.
It was nice the kid was busy with work rather than eating himself up in his room (not like he ever shut himself in, but Jing Yuan would lie if he said he was not at all anxious about what teenage years that were crawling on Yanqing could change in him). But Yanqing clearly avoided Jing Yuan and it puzzled him. He was sure that the kid would not leave his side until they talked, but alas.
He needed to find the kid before more damage would be done by mere postponing the talk.
***
Yanqing was in their usual training spot. Jing Yuan was relieved the kid didn’t skip his routine, as there was a possibility the shock of losing would discourage him completely. It did affect him though, as his movements got less precise, as though Yanqing was trying to understand if there was a way to make his technique better. The problem was, his technique was perfect and he was a little genius. But when it comes to the real world fight, it doesn’t start or end with technique. The fights are also about that state of one’s mind, about being passionate but being able to calm down one’s flame, about analyzing your foe and making the fight about a foe, and Yanqing made fights about himself. Learning otherwise came with losing, and Yanqing had ever lost only to Jing Yuan, because he was his end goal. For the boy the general was an epitome of the strongest man alive and of course he couldn’t win against him just yet. It was not real losing, you don’t win fights against your mentors as otherwise why would they mentor you in the first place.
Jing Yuan was very proud of Yanqing, he was not as good as him when he was his age. But there was still so much space to grow and pride can block one’s path and as a teacher Jing Yuan was very wary of it. It actually really suited him, Yanqing losing to somebody else for the first time, because it humbled him and humbling would eventually lead to greater growth. He just wished the circumstances were more gentle.
Before Jing Yuan could make a move to approach Yanqing, the kid noticed him, bowed his head and rushed away. He looked as if he was caught doing something forbidden, and Jing Yuan decided they should talk as soon as possible.
***
It was the next day when Yanqing was running around the Exalting Sanctum when Qingzu sent him a message she sent Yong Nian with some documents and Yanqing must go meet her in a tea court. He didn’t like it, he always thought that paperwork was the worst thing in the world and bureaucracy was useless, but an abstract civilian gained more from him delivering a piece of paper than from him wielding his sword in a fight he couldn’t win.
He entered a tea court and spotted a free table where he could wait for Yong Nian. It was extremely busy today, he sat down and started aimlessly looking at people thinking how can he make up for… well, being a bad investment.
The General spent so much time and resources training him, he used to feel cheeky buying endless amounts of swords on the Divine Foresight’s money and now he felt it was childish and irresponsible. He didn’t deserve to hold any sword at all.
Because it was apparent to him all this talking about his talent was a lie. And other people simply didn’t want to embarrass the General's authority by telling him his pupil was shit (Yanqing never used bad words before but he didn’t have good words for himself anymore).
Yes, other people didn’t want to embarrass the General, so he did it for everybody.
Eons, where was Yong Nian?! He couldn’t allow himself a minute of rest, the moment he stopped running, his head always grabbed an opportunity to remind him about his uselessness.
He hid his face in his hands and groaned. A moment later he felt how a so familiar and so big and so warm hand patted his head. Then a chair near him squealed and the General sat at his table.
“Aren’t you gloomy today, hm?”
“I, uh, Yong Nian is getting me some papers, so I can’t really-“
Jing Yuan took out a scroll and put it on the table.
“Funny, how you don’t retreat when it’s wise to do so, and run away from fights you should take.”
Oh, another disappointment.
“… Sorry, General.”
“What for, Yanqing? I want to hear it, but I’m not sure you really understand why you should be sorry.”
Something dropped down inside Yanqing, he could not make eye contact with the General anymore.
He fell silent. He was done for.
The General suddenly put his hand on his shoulder and slightly squeezed in what somebody could mistake as a reassuring gesture. Yanqing was not sure why it felt so comforting and welcoming, he did not understand why the General even bothered with him after everything.
“Yanqing, you made me worry. You should ask me who you are ready to fight and wait for orders. What if you go too far too deep picking a fight with too strong of an opponent and I won’t have an opportunity to rescue you because it will be too late to reach you?”
Yanqing was not sure where Jing Yuan was going with it and he was too afraid to say anything.
“Though, I see maybe it won’t come to this as you lately started to prefer ten thousand papers to your ten thousand swords.”
Yanqing dared to look at his General. Jing Yuan was smiling.
“I have to admit it’s sad to lose such a talented pupil to bureaucracy.”
“… You still want to teach me, General?”
“Yanqing, the real learning starts when you lose your first battle.”
“General… I…”
It was a relief when Jing Yuan stood up to hug him, so Yanqing could hide a tear in his clothes. The General gently stroked his head once again.
“You heard, Yanqing? There is a good discount on swords today. 3 for the price of 2.”