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No one tells you the truth depth of loneliness. What happens when there’s no one left to turn to. When everyone has left because that’s all they seem to do.
Jo sat on her bed, knees curled into her chest. What she wanted more than anything was to hear the sounds of laughter echoing throughout the house. She wanted to open her eyes and rush downstairs, presenting her sisters with her newest play. She wanted to watch as Amy painstakingly stitched beautiful details onto an old dress. She wanted to hear Meg murmuring lines under her breath, starting from the top if she wasn’t fond of how she’d intonated a word. What she would have given to see Beth duck her head modestly as her ability to make the piano sing was complimented.
They were all gone now.
She remembered frantically grasping at Meg’s hands, telling her that they could run away together. That Meg could be saved from the tragic fate of marriage. But her sister had been adamant that she wanted that life. She wanted to move away, to have a husband and children. To make small talk over tea with other women who had sold their souls for a wedding ring.
Beth—
Beth had always been the one constant in Jo’s life. Sitting at the piano and tapping out a light melody. Reminding her sisters that they should really be more grateful especially when families like the Hummels had so little. All the times that Jo had been suddenly struck with an idea and leapt up to immediately tell her little sister about it. Her little sister who she had sworn to protect.
Jo’s will had not been strong enough.
Talking to a headstone was a sorrowful shadow of their lively conversations. Its silence made mockery of Beth’s laugh.
Jo tilted her head back, praying for her tears not to fall down her face. She had done far too much crying in the past weeks. Beth would scold her if she was there. Don’t make me the reason that you hold yourself back when you still have so much left to give to the world.
In any case, she couldn’t talk to Amy, either.
Amy who Jo had always been arguing with over one thing or another. Oh how Jo now missed the annoyance that she would feel when Amy would accidentally knock over her cup of water that had been filled with dirty paintbrushes. The pointless fights they would pick simply because they were able to. Their apologies to one other the next day when they decided that they were much better of as friends than enemies.
Amy who was now engaged to Laurie. Laurie who was now no longer her best friend.
Even when her sisters’ bright spirits lit up the house with life and wonder, Jo’s first choice of company was always Laurie.
He understood her in ways that no one else could, as much as her sisters might have tried. They simply clicked. They read the same books, laughed at the same jokes, found the same political schemes ridiculous. He read her ideas first, helped her work through blocks when she put quill to paper and could not think of a single thing to write.
Her Teddy.
He was the other half of her soul.
Normally she would already be on her way to his house, ready to tell him how frustrated she was with the world and her family who had somehow all decided to grow up and move on without her. And normally Laurie would already be at the door, already sensing that she was being bothered by something. He knew everything that made her tick. All of the dark parts of her soul that she had not shared with anyone else. And she knew the same things about him.
God how she missed him.
She thought back to his proposal. She had known what he was about to do even before she turned around. Dread pooled in her stomach the whole way walking out to the fields while Jo told Laurie about Amy’s upcoming trip to Europe.
If she could do it over again, she thought that she would. She would say yes to Laurie instead of turning him down. She would be his wife.
She did not love him the way that he wished to be loved, but she could get past that. Her friendship with Laurie had always seemed like something more to most people who didn’t know the two of them. All she had to do was keep loving her best friend which was hardly a strugglesome task.
What if he wanted kids?
She could do that, though. She would enjoy it by no means, but she could make herself be a mother. She had always been able to handle Meg’s little hellions. Children mostly liked her. She wasn’t entirely fond of them, but that would only last a few years. Once they were at the age where they could read and write, they were much more worth being around. She thought of a little girl with her hair and Laurie’s eyes. She could teach that little girl how to work around the disadvantages that being a woman in this world brought. It might even be nice.
However it was not what she wanted. She knew that Laurie would sacrifice his wishes for her own. He was like that. Even if he did not share her childless dreams at first, he might eventually come around. Jo could show him that there was more to life than the marital ideals imposed by society.
She could picture their life in the future. Holding hands while they waited to be seated at a restaurant. Sitting by a fire in the house that they shared while wind whistled beyond the window panes. Making fun of him when his hair began to turn grey only for him to tell her that it was alright because the grey flattered him.
They truly could be happy together.
She hated herself for not being able to be content with it.
Why were other girls able to fall in love so easily? What glorious thing had they done to be treated with such kindness by fate? Were they just better people than she was? Or were they all lying? Surely she couldn’t be the only person whose feelings would not be more than platonic no matter how she begged them to. Surely she was not insane.
Am I insane?
Surely she must be insane. She had been offered the perfect life with her best friend who she loved more than anyone and she had walked away from it. What is wrong with me? No one had ever interested her the way that John Brooke interested Meg. She could not ever picture herself walking down an aisle in a white gown. The very thought made her light headed in the worst imaginable way.
But by God Jo was so lonely. In the space of a blink, everyone that she loved had packed their things and abandoned her.
She cared more to be loved. She would much rather have a married life with Laurie than become a spinster who lived by herself, hardly speaking to more than five people in a week. She would put herself through every unpleasantry that marriage had to offer if it meant that she could go back to how things used to be. Or a version of that besides.
Perhaps the romantic feelings would kick in once she had a ring adorning her finger. She’d see the way that a stone shimmered on her finger and the emotions that she had read about for her whole life would suddenly wash over her. She would understand the thoughts that had plagued her sisters’ minds when they were teenagers. Everything would make sense.
If she were a girl in a book, it would all be so obvious. She would have been in love with Laurie since they had first danced together in the cold. They would invite their families to their wedding and raise an family full of intelligent children that were the perfect mix of her and her best friend.
If she were a girl in a book, everything would be perfect.
But she was not either of those things.
What she was in actuality was a woman destined to be alone.