Work Text:
He was shaking like a bastard on Ciel’s porch. He hadn’t rung the doorbell yet– He wasn’t sure exactly what to say, was all. This was stupid. This was pathetic. He sat down on the front steps, so he could put his spent cigarette out on the ground, and then lit up another one. He was hoping it would make him stop shaking less– Get his thoughts in order at least, maybe. Everything felt like a jumbled mess, and about all he could think was that this was probably the only place in the world that didn’t. He sucked his cigarette down incredibly fast, and he still didn’t feel any better. Arguably, he felt even worse than when he started.
This was a nightmare. This was a nightmare, and it was 12 o’clock at night, and if he knocked on the door right now he knew it would freak Ciel out. It would freak Lu out. It would freak everyone out, because he is a freak, and this is exactly the kind of thing he should expect, really. He buries his face in his hands and thinks about how he is going to ruin everything with this stupid, stupid, stupid display.
He should just walk home. Yeah, it was far, and yeah, it wasn’t in the best neighborhood, but getting robbed or getting killed was probably better than having Ciel have to deal with him at his worst, right… Isn’t that right..?
That’s even stupider. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, sees he has enough battery to make a call, and dials Ciel’s number. Ciel picks up quickly, and his greeting sounds completely lucid. Ain knew better than to assume he’d been awake, though. He’d seen Ciel act like this right after being woken up in person, after all.
“... Hi,” is all Ain can bring himself to say, and there’s a brief silence over the line while Ciel waits for him to say more. Since he doesn’t, Ciel just returns a
“... Hi. What’s going on?” Because, naturally, something has to be. It’s late at night, he wouldn’t be calling up just for fun. Or maybe, could he tell he was feeling terrible just from his voice? This is awful. Ain wants to crawl into a hole.
“Nothing.” It’s a bad lie, and Ciel is very kind for not saying anything about it. “I wanted to ask if I could come over.”
“Of course.” Ciel responds easily, and he can hear the telltale signs of him getting out of bed. “Do you need me to come pick you up? Where are you?”
“No, it’s fine. I’m, um. I’m on your porch, so.” There is another brief moment of silence. Maybe Ciel is tired, if he needs processing time. Or maybe this is stranger than he's even realized. Ain feels a strong urge to hang up and run away.
“... Okay.” But this is said very easily too. “Give me a couple minutes and I’ll be down. Stay on the phone, alright?” Ain agrees, and shortly afterwards Ciel opens the door, ushering him inside. Ain had kind of just expected him to throw on a robe or something, having Ciel open the door with his goddamn dress shirt tucked in made him feel all the more out of place. His appearance was just as perfect and spotless as his housekeeping. He thought being around this kind of stability would make him feel better, but his nerves were only getting more and more frayed. Ciel takes him into the kitchen, and starts brewing a pot of tea. Notably, he wasn’t asking any questions. Ain figured this was because of him, Ciel was probably worried he’d get upset if he asked. This wasn’t Ciel’s fault– He usually would.
“Aren’t you wondering why I’m here?” He asks it irritably as Ciel pours him a cup of tea, fingers drumming on the table.
“I am.” Ciel responds smoothly as he pours his own tea. “If you want to tell me.” Something about how unflappable he was was really annoying. Ain knows he should be nice, since Ciel got out of bed and was taking care of him… But he feels something inside of him kind of snap, and he can't help himself. He feels terrible, like he might just burst into tears or something, so of course he lashes out.
“It must be easy for you,” he says instead, continuing to tap his fingers on the table in agitation. “Since you always have everything all put together. You do not have to worry about anything. It must be nice.” Ciel smiles serenely, in a way that lets Ain know he must have touched some kind of nerve. Still, he remains as frustratingly courteous as ever.
“Why don’t you drink your tea, and calm down a little? It should have cooled enough, by now.” Ain glares daggers at him, but he does take a sip. Ciel put cream and sugar in it exactly the way Ain liked it… It was delicious. He does end up deflating a bit.
“... Thank you. I am sorry.” Ciel simply takes a sip from his own cup. “I ended up fighting with my brother again. I got angry with him and stormed out. By the time my head had cleared, I realized I had given the taxi driver your address.” There is a pause here as Ain takes another drink. “... I could not afford to fix it by the time I had realized it. So. I am here. I am sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry…” Ciel’s demeanor softens considerably as Ain explains himself. Not that he had been harsh– But he is dropping anything Ain had done to bother him, now. “I’m glad you came. Whenever you need to, you always can. You can stay for a while, if you want to.”
“Just for the night, thank you.” Ain finishes his tea. “I can go back to my own place tomorrow… If you do not mind taking me. I should probably stop being an idiot, anyhow.” He laughs, a joyless terrible thing. “I do not think my brother and I will ever get along. I should give up, I think.” Ciel is quiet for a moment, stirring the last of his tea.
“It’d be nice if you could make up with him,” he says it quietly, and Ain tries very hard to rein in the urge to bite his head off. “But you know the situation better than I do. Still, though. It’s nice to have your family around… If you think he can ever see your point of view…” Ain tries as hard as he can, but he can’t keep it back forever.
“What do you know?” He hisses, fingers curling into his palm. “He does not care to see my point of view. Just because you get along so well with your little sister does not mean that every family is going to be like yours.” Ciel smiles that very special little Don’t annoy me smile that he has.
“Lu and I aren’t blood-related.” This makes Ain stare at him in disbelief. Well– It’s not as if they had ever claimed to be related, but they had the same last name, so he just thought… “I won’t assume anything about your situation. Please don’t assume anything about mine.” Ain’s eyes dart around the room, and he decides to mumble an apology. He doesn’t like it. It feels like Ciel knows so much about him, and there’s still so much he needs to uncover about Ciel. Ciel continues, nonetheless. “... I may be being a bit idealistic, anyhow. I shouldn’t offer my opinions unwarranted like this. So, I’m sorry too.” Ain squints at him. He knows Ciel is being genuine, he’s not the type to offer these platitudes uselessly. Still, though… It eats at him, a bit. That feeling of the great distance between them, and how unfair it was how little Ciel has really told him about himself. At all.
“You are so annoying,” he starts, chin resting on his hand. “You are always so mysterious all the time. Perhaps I would not make so many assumptions if you would tell me anything at all. You did not even tell me you and Ms. Princess were not real family.”
“Lu is my real family.” There is an edge to his tone here, something even Ain knows better than to press. “But it is a little complicated, admittedly. I’ve been taking care of her for about eight years now.” The way they acted, Ain thought they’d known each other all their lives. Ciel clears his throat, and starts collecting their dishes. “But this is not the time for a conversation like this. I think you should get some rest.”
“If not now, then when?” Ain keeps his eyes on Ciel’s back, as he starts to wash the dishes. Because they clearly cannot wait in the sink until morning. “You have known me for years. You know all about me.” Ciel laughs at that.
“No, I don’t. I know you don’t get along with your family. I don’t know why, and I certainly don’t know the whole story about who.” Ain supposes this is true. The dishes are put on the drying rack. “You’ve lived here your whole life, I know that. You didn’t start leaving the area until recently, I know that. I don’t know why. There’s a lot of things I don’t know about you.” He’s across the room, then, and his hand comes to pat Ain’s hair. Ain doesn’t swat him away, though he considers it. “You can talk to me about anything, when you’re ready. And when I’m ready, I’ll talk to you as well. Deal?” Ain squints at him.
“What you are saying is, you will not expose yourself until I have.”
“Must you always read me in such bad faith…” His tone is exasperated, but it’s touched with enough dramatics Ain doesn’t bother responding. “No. When I’m ready, I’ll talk. That’s exactly what I mean. Let’s go upstairs, we can start getting you ready for bed.” Ain falls behind him like a shadow, standing in Ciel’s bedroom as he gets out something for him to change into. “Do you need clothes for tomorrow, too?” Ain shrugs.
“I can just wear what I am now, so it is fine.” Ciel just stares at him, before handing him a second set of clothes. Well, whatever. He isn’t going to turn it down. Ciel also hands him a little stuffed animal, one of those Beanie Babies he likes so much. It is a small goat. Ain squints at it.
“What is this for.”
“For protection, of course.” Ain scowls at it. Ciel is treating him like he is 2 years old again. What else is new? He does not, however, try to give it back. He follows Ciel to the guest room, and when the door shuts behind him he chucks the clothes onto a nearby chair, and gets into bed with the little goat. He very soon curls up into a tiny ball, the beanie baby cradled against him. He isn’t quite sure how he feels, in this moment. It is nice to come somewhere where he knows he can be safe, taken care of. But it’s also shaky, unfamiliar. He knows so very little about what makes up this house, the people inside of it. It’s comforting, yes, but the fact that it is so very one-sided made him feel somewhat ill.
He must have fallen asleep at some point while thinking about this, because his eyes open to sunshine and the feeling of incredibly cramped limbs. He stretches them out, and by the time he stumbles downstairs in the outfit Ciel made him, breakfast is already on the table. Ciel smiles at him, picture-perfect as always. Like he was not kept awake, still getting up at the ungodly hour he always did.
“Hey, good morning. I made breakfast, if you want some.”
“I will pass.” Ain says smoothly. “When you are ready, I can just go home. If you do not mind.”
“I mind.” Lu cuts in, haughty glare on Ain. “Ciel did not make extra food for you to refuse it. Do sit down.” Ain guiltily slinks into a seat. “You needn’t retreat like that. We enjoy having you, and you are always welcome.” She’s echoing the same things Ciel said to him last night… Doubtless they’ve been talking about it all morning. It makes his stomach twist, but he takes some waffles off of a plate anyhow. Ciel’s cooking is always phenomenal. It’d be a waste not to enjoy, wouldn’t it…
“Thank you.” is what he offers, and the meal continues on peacefully. The princess always had something to talk about, anyhow. Things she wished to do, things she desired Ciel’s company for. She did extend invitations to Ain, but he declined. Politely, he declined. If he talked to Lu the same way he talked to Ciel, he would absolutely not make it out of this place alive. Once Ciel had cleaned everything up, they were in his car and on the way back to his apartment.
“... You both are too nice to me.” He mumbles when they’re on the way there, near inaudible over the motor and the radio. Ciel picks it up, though. He always picks up what Ain is saying. It’s almost unbearable.
“No such thing. You’re our friend, and we love you. That doesn’t change just because you’re struggling.”
“I am always struggling.” He says, nails digging into his palm. He stays faced away from Ciel, so he can’t see. “I have never not been struggling. You both are fine. It’s not fair.” Ciel drives in silence for a bit, formulating his response.
“Isn’t that all the more reason to be nice to you? Y’know, I used to struggle a lot too. And if it wasn’t for Lu, I still would be. Honestly, I’m not sure I’d be here talking to you right now if it wasn’t for her.” Ain finally turns to stare at Ciel, who keeps his eyes on the road. It was rare to hear Ciel come anywhere close to admitting he’s anything less than perfect. Let alone anything like that… What did he mean, he wouldn’t be here? “So, don’t worry about it. It’s not like we don’t understand. Honestly, I’d like it if you relied on us a little more. Maybe if you weren’t trying to do everything by yourself all the time, you wouldn’t struggle so much.”
He didn’t hate it, hearing Ciel say things like this. Usually, his advice was laden with saccharine sweetness, so it was different to hear him just telling him like it is… Ain figures he must have said something that really bugged him last night.
“... You may be right.” He fidgets, keeping his eyes on Ciel. “But it doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to rely on you too much. It is not fair, since you can’t rely on me. I am too… too…” He doesn’t even know what to say here. “... Broken. I do not know. But it is useless, and I feel useless.”
“You aren’t useless.” They’ve pulled into Ain’s parking lot by now, and Ciel parks the car and keeps talking to him. “You need a little extra support right now. That’s fine. I care about you, so I’m happy to do it. Taking care of one another is not a bartering act, y’know. Just because I do something for you doesn’t mean you have to worry about doing something for me. That being said…” Ciel sighs, leaning back. “I do rely on you, it’s just in a different way. Having you around reminds me I don’t have to be perfect. I can tell you things I wouldn’t want to tell anyone else. I don’t have to worry about keeping appearances up with you. If you show up at 12 o’clock at night, for example, I can let you in and not worry about how the house is a wreck, and how I look like a wreck.” The house was spotless, and Ciel looked fine, Ain thinks, but he guesses that’s besides the point. Clearly, it wasn’t to Ciel’s standards. “Basically, I guess I’m just saying you worry too much. And… I’m sorry, I know I’m bad at talking about what I come from. It’s… painful, and not exactly a nice story. So. If you think my life has been perfect, I’m going to disappoint you.” He lets out a ragged sigh, and Ain knows he really is upset about this, in his own Ciel way.
“... No, you do not need to be sorry. And you are not a disappointment. I am being unfair to you.” His tone has softened considerably. “... I am always making demands of you, and you are always kind and patient, even when I do not deserve it.” In lieu of a response, Ciel merely stretches out his hand, and when Ain slips his own into it, his fingers curl around Ain’s palm. Ain stares for a moment, but does not draw back. This is… affection. It feels nice. “I should be kind and patient to you, as well. So you do not have to worry, either. If you mean it, that I am not useless to you, I will trust you, and I will wait until you are ready.” He squeezes Ciel’s hand forcefully. “Do not betray my trust.” Ciel squeezes his hand back, much more lightly and much more fond.
“I won’t.” It sounds like a promise, and he then lets Ain’s hand go. “And I won’t keep you, either. There’s a play Lu wants to see, so I should get going. You’ll be okay on your own? You sure you don’t want to go with us?”
“I am sure.” There’s a lot of conflicted things going on in his head, anyway. He isn’t sure if he wants to trust anything Ciel just said, which he thinks may be terrible of him. He knows this is likely just because he is still rather upset about fighting with his brother last night, which is something he really needs to process on his own, at least for a little while. “Enjoy yourself. I’ll talk to you later.” Ciel nods. “... Maybe tonight.” Ciel smiles at him.
“Whenever you need me, alright?” Ain nods, and he watches Ciel pull away. Eventually, he musters up the energy to ascend the stairs to his apartment, where he immediately collapses face down onto his couch. Too much to think about. Too much. He gropes around on the floor for his portable CD player, and puts his headphones in, and allows the kick drum to pound his mind into a fine paste. This is fine. He’ll deal with the rest of it later.
