Work Text:
He holds him in his arms, his eyes closing as he stares at nikolai one last time.
He didn't expect this, neither of them did, his friend dying in his arms, and nikolai... Feeling sad about it?
He doesn't cry, he just holds him tight in his arms, just watching all the life leave his eyes. He killed him, but he's sad about loosing his dear friend, and fyodor is just accepting it. He's not doing anything to stop it.
"Fedya.. Why are you not fighting back? Why aren't you trying to stop me? You said you wouldn't die... So tell me, tell me why your just accepting it."
his voice is shaky, he's obviously sad about it, he doesnt, really really doesnt, want to lose his dear friend, his reason for everything.
"Nikolai.. No, My Dear Kolya.. I would only accept death if it's by your hand, and if you hold me while I leave this world.. And if you listen to me, one last time..."
He closes his eyes for a few seconds, opening them, and staring at nikolai.
"My Dear Kolya, I care for you. You have shown me how to love properly.. How to feel real emotions, and how to care for somebody. You have shown me everything in bright colors.. And I've felt alive when I was with you, you brought color to my grey world. I first thought of you as a tool.. But the ore I learned, the more I loved you, yearned for you...."
Nikolai flinches at his words, his eyes widening everytime he talks.
"And the truth is, I also caught feelings for you, I started loving you, I first thought it was weird, but than I yearned for your voice.. For your love, and for you touch."
"I don't understand Fedya... Why would you love somebody like me? Your perfect.. And I am not... I am dirtied by others blood, and you are clean. Why would you love somebody like that?"
"I do not care for your dirtied hands, what I care about is what is inside. We are binded by love, but it has been ended, our ropes have been broken.. And I must leave you Kolya. In another life, hopefully we meet in a coffee shop, talk over tea, and build this bond again."
Tears well up in nikolai's eyes.
"Please Fedya, please don't leave me.. I can't take it, I need you, I love you, I don't want to lose you. Please don't die.."
" I have one last request.. To feel your lips against mine, to feel your warmth one last time, How about that My Dear Kolya?"
Nikolai's eyes widen, a few tears flowing out of his eyes.
"No, don't die please, I'll do it if you live. So please, don't die.."
"This feels cruel Kolya, but if you don't want to, then I'll be fine, as long as I have your touch."
He closes his eyes as he talks, his head falling to his side as he breaths one last time.
"Fedya? Fedya answer me.. Please, don't die on me, don't do this.. Don't leave me. Fedya please.."
More tears flow out of his eyes as he gently places fyodor down, tugging at his hair and pulling out a few strands, than he screams, it echoing throughout the whole room, he sobs, nothing else, his face turning red.
He has lost his only reason, his love, his soulmate, he killed him, he killed him by his own hand. He'll never forgive himself, he couldn't even fulfill his last wish.