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A gaping hole in her heart.
That little girl had always had one, and so, she had always been looking for an answer.
How do you fill something like that?
First, she gave it time. She'd felt this way since she was young, so surely, once she grew older, it'd be fixed.
She'd finally be fixed.
...wrong.
Second, she was now a young teen. She found a group of friends on the internet, broken like her, and she did the things they liked to do.
Steal, cut, smoke, any sort of drugs really.
It worked until it didn't.
From the ashes of betrayal she rose, after seeing an inspiration on those bright city screens.
If doing nothing didn't work, and doing everything that was wrong didn't work, she'd do everything that was right.
She'd be that shining light... and she'd be adored.
"Under corp."
It was surely a strange name for an idol agency of all things, but it grew on Anda after a while.
Three years of living like this.
She had grown immensely in popularity, and had debuted as one of the agencies only solo idols. They rather preferred introducing young exploitable girls in groups, but Anda had been firm in her request (demand) to work alone.
She trusted the agency enough, but that didn't mean she trusted the other girls here.
She wasn't making that sort of mistake twice.
"Four minutes." She could hear the excitement from the crowd, and if she snuck to move the curtain just a little, the glowing symbols of loyalty would show themselves to her.
In hindsight, placing that much value on penlight colors sounds unbelievably stupid, but it's simply the norm. Anda was glad she never had to fight for her fans love, because it was her and only her on the stage.
The stage lights flashed on, it was time.
"Hello everyone!!!"
The crowd cheers.
"Thank you so much for coming to my live show today! I promise you'll have lots of fun, okay?"
They spin their penlights in unison.
"Well, here goes nothing!" She mumbles, but says intentionally loud enough for the audience to hear. Even after 3 years of experience, her main appeal point stays the same.
A young pretty idol who's sometimes awkward & clumsy, one fans feel the need to protect.
Her singing and dancing reflect it, her movements are close to perfect, but never exactly hitting the mark.
If she had full control she would aim to be the most perfect in her agency, and even in the world. But her manager quickly kindly shut down said aspiration.
Anda didn't mind too much really, she understood she needed to change in order to be loved.
It's not even just Idol business, that's the way life runs in general, isn't it?
She smiles and jumps as the audience continues the chants she's heard millions of times over. She'll never get tired of them, she'll never tire of the praise and of the acknowledgment of her existence.
But.
Her arm itches.
She can't reach over to soothe it, that's a bit more clumsy than she's supposed to be.
Even after becoming an idol, Anda can't help but fall into old patterns.
The arm keeps itching and itching.
A reminder that she is still not whole. She still cuts, and she still isn't fixed.
She knows a performance is the wrong time to be thinking about this, she fucking knows it, but her mind won't give up.
She sticks it out like the professional that she is, and when she finishes her set, they all scream her name.
Some people are crying from joy, and others can't stop smiling.
It reminds her of herself, back when she first started loving idols. She still does, but she's too busy taking care of herself to dedicate her time to admiring others.
She exits the stage, sighing.
To her surprise, her manager is right there, and she looks like she has something to say.
"Soo, what did ya think?" She smiles awkwardly,
"Amazing as usual of course." She's about to let out a breath of relief-
"But that's not why I'm here." Nope, the breath is dead.
"I quite obviously trust you enough to never mess up so I wouldn't be showing up just to watch over your performance."
"Thanks...? I think?"
"Instead I'm here because we decided to let another solo idol perform here as well." Anda raises an eyebrow,
"And this has to do with me because...?"
"Because she's about to go on." Huh?
"Right now!?"
"Right now."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier!?"
"I'm sorry Anda, it was late notice. Either way, it shouldn't effect you at all." Urgh her manager knew exactly how it was affecting her but from a business standpoint she was right, it wouldn't do anything to her. Her performance was already done.
From a personal standpoint though? Hell yeah.
She walks away, and Anda is left there, sighing.
Awkwardly deciding to stay a while longer, she scrolls through her phone absent-mindedly.
"Hey" a voice calls out to her and it sounds unnaturally close.
Looking up, a pink-haired girl is right in front of her face.
"Can I help y-" She stops herself from finishing the sentence.
That girl is wearing idol-like attire.
Shit, it's her isn't it?
"You're searching for it too, aren't you?" Cryptic, straight from the start.
"Huh?"
"I was watching you," It sounded kind of creepy but at the same time Anda was flattered as always.
"But now it's time for you to watch me!"
She passes right by Anda, her pigtails bouncing, and she displays the most determined look Anda has seen in all her years.
Her MC is amazing, the crowd is a mix of people who heard the late-notice news and some leftovers of Anda's audience. She's good enough to have them longing for more.
The shining idols name is Anhiro.
Anda doesn't remember any idols in the agency by the name, so she figures this girl must be in a completely different department from her or something.
She speaks in the third person alot, and is really cute. Not just normal idol cute, but really fucking cute.
Surprisingly, she only sings one song, it's melody is as upbeat as upbeat gets, and the lyrics are generally cheerful but Anda can feel there's a certain edge to them.
There's something else there.
Audience, as oblivious as ever, clap like they always would.
"Anhiro is sorry! It seems it's the end of her performance now..."
A collective "awww"
"I know, I know! But I hope you enjoyed listening to my debut single!"
Wait what?
Debut single?
DEBUT?
"Stay tuned for more! Bye-bye!" She skips off stage.
She grins at the shocked look her new colleague is wearing.
"You're new!? I thought-"
"That I was OLD!? God, does my face really look like damaged product?" Ignoring what that remark implies, Anda shakes her head,
"No, it's just that Under doesn't grant solo idols a chance often so I kind of thought it'd be the last one for a while. So yeah, it's kind of a shock."
"Hmmm..." Anhiro tilts her head,
"Good shock or bad shock?"
To be honest, or to lie? In this world it's always the second one, but Anda can't help but debate with herself on it all the time.
Just how fake was she willing to get? It's not like she was the consumers Anda was selling to, this was a fellow idol, she should just be honest, but then again she wouldn't want to cause any drama, God that might cost her her job and what would she do-
"Kidding!" Ah, her silence must've been enough of an indicator. Jeez she must've looked so stupid stuck in her head right then...
Anda awkwardly laughs it off. It's not nearly as charming as she hopes.
Anhiro reaches an open palm out,
"Give me your phone, if you will!"
"Huh?" She clicks her tongue,
"That's not an answer but I'll take it as a yes!" Before Anda can grip it harder, she's already taken it out of her grasp.
She wants to steal it back, but this girls energy is so high she can't find the confidence to act against her.
"Andddd done~ Thank you! I'll see you later Anda-chan!" She walks away waving.
"Huh...?"
"HUH!?"
She didn't do anything malicious to her phone, she had simply put in her phone number. Why on earth she felt the need to do that was beyond Anda.
Upon further investigation it was confirmed this Anhiro girl was the newest solo idol sensation at the agency. She'd only been debuted for about a month, and Anda was surprised she had never heard of her.
It was kinda weird.
On top of that, when she tried to dig some dirt up on her (for no bad reason! She was simply curious, that's all...) there was nothing! She had almost too clean of a reputation.
Now she didn't feel like she was being crazy. That was suspicious.
Nobody with a media presence ever has a completely clean past. That's just not how things work. There'll always be a controversy that gets dug up out of a fandoms boredom, or for publicity reasons.
But, whatever, the new girls business was none of Anda's business.
Except maybe it was.
No,no, it's not.
But... what did she mean back then?
"You're searching for it too..." What on fucking earth could that mean? Searching for fame maybe?
Anda groans a bit too loudly and leans her head against the wall with too much force, hurting her head.
"When I said take a break from practicing choreo, I didn't mean break your skull! Watch it!" She waves her dance coach off,
"Don't worry, I'm finee, just finee."
"You certainly don't sound like it."
"It's nothing, I just- urgh," she swallowed her pride that screamed at her to not complete the sentence she was about to spit out.
"Do you know Anhiro?" The look of recognition.
It kinda made her wanna puke.
"Ah, yes!" She claps her hands together,
"The new girl! I'm actually in charge of her, too."
"Well, what's her deal?" Her coach stops to think to herself for a second,
"Hmm... well, she surely is unique. As you know, Under loves to hire new young idols. But even though Anhiro is new, it feels like she's got tons of experience on her. Like she's used to increasing her charm and appeal to the max, just instinctually."
"Yeah, I saw that too..." An admiring sigh,
"Ah, she's just so amazing-"
"Ah, she's just so weird-"
"Weird? Anda, take that back, it's bad etiquette."
"I didn't mean it in a bad way. I meant it as it is. She's kind of weird. I mean, couldn't you tell so too?" She shakes her head,
"No, not really."
She keeps looking at Anda like she's disappointed in her and it feels she's being stabbed in the gut with a blade sharper than the ones she's accustomed to.
"Wait, I-" She's already out of the room, and all Anda wants to do is curl up and die in a hole.
Maybe that really is the solution to her chronic emptiness. To just not exist anymore.
Her fans would move on quick, no doubt the agency would already be manufacturing the next iconic idol group of the decade. People won't have much time to grieve because they'll be too busy freaking out over some new teenage sensation.
She doesn't have any friends, so she doesn't have to worry about that either.
And her parents? They couldn't give less of a fuck about her. Why the hell would she be living alone otherwise? She gets no support from them. None. She's as good as garbage.
But, if she throws it all away now, then, wouldn't all her work have been for nothing?
She doesn't know what to do.
She never knows what to do, really.
Keep working hard, you'll get there someday!
There's only so hard you can try, until you can't take it anymore.
"I'm tired." She says to no one in particular. But the important part is that she said it. She admitted it.
Her phone rings.
It's her favorite idol song, one about hope and dreams. How cheesy.
She contemplates letting it ring until it dies down, but something in her is screaming at her to pick up the goddamn phone. So, she does.
It's a number she doesn't recognize, but she picks up anyways.
"This is Anda, who's calling?"
"Aw, you didn't name my contact? That's kind of cruel!"
"Ah, Anhiro." Of all the people...
"That's right, the one and only, perfect idol!"
"Don't get cocky, you've barely debuted."
"Well yeah, but everyone already loves me lots so, what's the problem with that?" If she could strangle this bitch over the phone, she would've already.
She thought of the expression her dance coach gave her again, and took in a deep breath.
She couldn't let this get to her. She couldn't afford to.
"Right... anyways, whyd you call?"
"I wanna hang out with you!"
"No way." She practically immediately responded.
"Aw, I was so sure you'd agree..." She was still teasing her.
"...Pretty please?" Now, those words sounded genuine. Maybe even the first genuine ones Anda had heard from Anhiro since the first sentence she'd spoken to her.
She was really about to agree to this, wasn't she...
"Where?"
"Huh?" She groans,
"Where do you want to meet?"
"Wait, really!? Oh my God ahh I'll send you the address, meet me at eight, okay? I have to go now, bye bye!"
She quickly hung up, and Anda exited the building, looking down at her phone as she did.
She receives the address, and... wait... isn't this the karaoke bar!?
It's fitting for their occupations but still, she had expected Anhiro to choose some trendy coffee place, not a tacky karaoke bar. Not that it really mattered to Anda that much.
She didn't feel like going out in her fitness wear so she goes home to change first. "Home" being a semi-shitty semi-decent apartment. She couldn't complain, she knew other idols had it worse than she did.
She opens her closet and scans the cute tops and skirts. She decides on her signature purple color scheme for the top, and a fluffy black skirt. She changes out of her sneakers into heels.
After she's done she does a double-take.
"Why am I dressing up so much!? Wait, wait," she goes back in front of her mirror, lifting her leg off the ground and posing.
"Is this too much? Why am I even worrying about it being too much I'm not going anywhere important, just on a date with Anhiro-" Date? Has she been thinking about this as a date the whole time?
"No, no we're just friends- not even fucking friends yet I barely know the girl!" Then why are you putting so much effort into your appearance?
"Shut the fuck up inner-voice, I'm leaving now! So, shut up!" She grabs her bag and slams the door shut.
God, she hopes none of the neighbors heard that. She'd die of embarrassment.
One quick bus trip later (yes, idols do use the public transport, believe it or not.) She'd arrived at the destination. The sign flickered every second, and there were flies all around the alley.
Not sure if she should wait outside or inside, she texts Anhiro.
< I'm inside already! >
Ah, well that made things easier.
She opens the door, and is greeted by some middle-aged man working the cashier. He looks at her expectantly.
"Oh! Uh, I'm here with Anhiro?" The look he gives her is dead, his shift has quite obviously been way longer than it should've.
"Who?"
"Huh!? Uhm, I-"
"An-chan! Get over here!" Sure enough, it's the girl she's looking for. But why the hell is she calling her that...
Anda points at her, hoping the guy gets the message, and runs over to her. Anhiro is already playfully laughing at her,
"That was so! Fucking funny! Have you never been to one of these places before?" No, she hasn't really taken breaks, so she shakes her head.
"Ah, well, you've been missing out on alot! Cmon, I already ordered snacks- don't worry, it's not a shit ton of calories or anything. Idols must stay young and thin after all!"
"I know that already, you didn't have to remind me..."
It wasn't something in the imaginary idol rulebook, it was something you'd already known from the start. No one will love an "ugly" idol.
"I know! I was just saying, in case you thought I forgot as a newer idol or something stupid like that."
"Did you just call me stupid-"
"What song should I sing first!?" The seemingly tone-deaf girl has already sat down on the couch, remote in hand.
"What type of music do you like anyways?"
"Err, I don't really care much for music." She rests her hand in her palm as she continues clicking through the options.
"Huh? But you're a fucking IDOL. Do you at least like dancing?"
"It's alright, I guess!"
"Just alright?" Anhiro groans,
"I didn't invite you to interrogate me or anything! Don't you trust me?"
"I...."
What did she feel towards this strange girl?
It wasn't hatred, that's for sure.
She mightve had moments of jealousy, but overall, she wasn't too bitter about the situation. Probably.
But it's also not like she adored her or anything.
"I don't know you well enough to answer..."
Anhiro suddenly faces her and holds her hands in her own,
"Let me show you then. Me." Deja vu.
She switched again, getting up and stretching her arms,
"I think I'll sing something from Ruu-chan! Her stuff is always super cute so it definitely fits me, yknow?"
"Right..." it didn't come off nearly as sarcastic as she thought it would.
Maybe she didn't disagree as much as she thought she did.
Anhiro grabs her mic, and starts singing. It's cute, just like she promised.
As the song progresses, she feels a sense of urgency. She's fighting for something, but Anda can't tell what.
She instinctually claps once the song is over, and it takes Anhiro by surprise. She bows anyways,
"Thanks for being such a great crowd, ah, I know, I'm better than everyone else."
"Please, let me show you what greatness really is." She lightly pushes Anhiro down onto the furniture, and stands up.
Her choice is Anhiro's debut single.
"Wow, I see how it is Anda! Fine then, blow my mind away."
She does her best, but really she chose the song in the spur of the moment. Solely to piss Anhiro off, and no other reason.
Which explains why she didn't do so well. The song was very clearly not meant for someone with a voice like hers, and she didn't have it memorized either, so she'd had several slip-ups.
Honestly, it was an embarrassing scenario.
And it would've been a horrifying scene if not for Anhiro's smile reaching the fucking ceiling.
"I never thought I'd get to hear you sing my song, that was really great!"
"Oh. You're messing with me, I was all over the place."
She shakes her head,
"Well, yeah, but that's not what I meant. There's just something about it, about you that-" realizing she was spilling her heart out already, she stops herself there.
"Uhm, nevermind! I'll go again-"
"No."
"No...? Cmon, we're only getting started! The night is young, it's only ten!"
"Anhiro, I really didn't get you."
"Thanks for the compliment, although I don't get that one alot!" She does her stupidly cute chuckle, but Anda needs to focus.
"Shut up and listen for a second, alright? Just for a little bit, then you can go back to your whole facade that's really just supposed to stay on the stage." Her eyes widen, and she shuts her mouth.
"Anyways, like I was saying, ever since I saw you you'd confused the living shit out of me. I know idols have several personas but I've never seen someone who is so goddamn adamant about theirs,"
"I've only seen glimpses of your true feelings but I can't help but want to see more... I dont understand but I want to! That sounds selfish, but I'm fucking selfish and you're going to have to deal with that if you want to stay in the same Agency as me, okay?!" Her eyes are shut as she says this, the embarrassment of being this honest is getting to her.
A sigh,
"Well, Anda, how am I supposed to be honest with you if you won't even look at me?" Anda shakes her head,
"I cant..."
"Ah, well, I guess this makes it easier to talk anyways... a win for both of us!" She paces around the room, building courage.
"Well, I've been this way for a while. I'm sure you've already noticed but I'm used to this line of work, just not exactly the same type..."
"What else is similar to being an idol?"
"Ha, well when you put it like that what im about to say sounds stupid! But, anyways, I, uhm..." deep breath in and deep breath out.
"I used to be a sex worker. For the longest time. It was always more than just that though, the client would take me out, buy me stuff, even fall in love with me! Like, how pathetic is that!? You wouldn't believe it Anda, you wouldn't believe how low some people go." Her tone is all over the place, one side sounding like she couldn't care less, and the other side was a hurt that ran deeper than Anda would've imagined.
Ah, so that's the source of her appeal. She's used to putting on a show for the unknowing.
She turns back at Anda,
"Still won't take a look at me? Is it because you're disgusted now? I thought Anda would've understood but I guess not~"
"No!" She opens her eyes,
"That's not it at all! If we're being completely honest here, I've also done that type of work before, so it'd be totally hypocritical for me to judge you for it. So, no, I'm not disgusted at all!"
Anda's work was to earn money to help her with her unhealthy habits, and to keep up with the people that showed her that way of life. She didn't think about it that often.
Anhiro worked because she longed for attention and praise and love. Of course her next course of action was to become an idol.
Her voice cracks a little, "Really...?"
"Really!" This time Anda is the one holding her hands.
However, she can't help but still have questions.
"But why are you telling this all to me...?" After all, this was some deeply personal shit, yet Anhiro had chosen to share it with her. She felt confused, yet honored.
She rolls her eyes, "Because you interest me. God, you interest me so much it's so fucking frustrating!"
"Err, I'm sorry...?"
"Ever since I saw your performance I knew you were like me, constantly searching for something to fill the void that seems fucking endless. But, there's something so special about you, I don't know what it is, but it's there! I can't help but feel drawn to you, and I've never felt this way about anyone ever beforeh! Literally nobody else deserves my attention and praise, yet you achieved it so easily! I don't understand it at all..."
Anda couldn't handle all the praise at once and felt like she might combust right there on the spot.
"... I want to be like you, I think. I know that's a stupid thing to say because we're both broken but..." They look each other in the eyes,
"Anhiro... I think I want to be by your side too."
"Did Anda bump her head on something? I never even said that!"
"You didn't have to," her expression changes from a serious one to a teasing grin,
"I kinda figured it out after the third time you praised me~"
She mumbles, "Ugh, you're lucky I like you so much..."
"Huh? What'd you say, Anhiro?"
"None of your business! Cmon, let's keep doing karaoke."
"A duet maybe?"
Maybe they did really understand each other now-!
"Uh, no, you aren't quite at my level yet."
On second thought, they need more time!