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On a morning that was far too hot for Ramuda’s liking, Hifumi used his day off to invite the fashion designer to one of Shinjuku’s malls. He needed someone to help him pick out new suits for the fall and unfortunately, Doppo and Jakurai weren’t exactly paragons of style. Despite wearing very similar suits every night, Hifumi tried to stay on top of fashion trends to not get boring for his kittens. After all, a good host can maintain his trademark while still keeping up with which colors are in style! For Ramuda, Shinjuku was a collection of bad memories wrapped in a dreary fog of corporate despair and hedonism. Whenever he would visit Shinjuku for a client, everything that was once new and exciting filled him with a sense of dread that could only be attributed to one man. Every once in a while though, when looking for motivation, Ramuda would long to visit the new boutiques of Shinjuku and enjoy the nightlife like he once did with him. But now that inter-division friendships were more prevalent and tensions between leaders were easing a bit, Ramuda could be escorted by a member of Matenrou to all the shops he wanted without having to worry about any awkward encounters. It was a win-win, Ramuda could shop for accessories and Hifumi could consult with an experienced designer on what’s in fashion for the fall season.
The trip to Shinjuku was smooth. Being as popular as he was, Ramuda stopped to take a couple of selfies and collect some numbers from women who had recognized him. In the past, Ramuda had placed a tremendous amount of effort into cultivating his adorable idol persona. Though it was fun to mess with people and break social norms, his facade also served an alternate purpose in masking his bluntness and frequent lack of social awareness with an air-headed, cutesy flair. Now though, he’s not sure where the mask begins and his true self ends. What was once a disingenuous facade was now a brief reprieve from the depressing reality of his situation.
Stepping into the mall, Ramuda was immediately alerted of Hifumi’s presence from 20 feet away. Of course, the host’s iconic blond and lime hair stuck out like a sore thumb, but his yelling and ecstatic waving also did the trick. After catching up, Ramada and Hifumi skipped from store to store comparing suits and picking up accessories that would serve as inspiration for Empty Candy's next line of clothing. Unfortunately, since Hifumi’s gray suit-yellow rose combo was his trademark, most of the trip consisted of choosing cooler-toned gray suits made from sustainable materials. After the fifth store, their walking became more lethargic from the heat, and they started shedding layers of clothing. By the seventh store, their motivation to shop was beat out by their need to cool down. So after shuffling with their heavy plethora of suits and cute accessories throughout the mall, they decided to take refuge in a nearby cafe that had just opened. Hifumi liked the cafe because the sweets were good inspiration for future baking endeavors, and Ramuda liked it because the parfaits were good for his Insta. The day was good. They were both happy. Halfway through the meal though, Hifumi finally sprung the question that Ramuda had been dreading:
“So like, what’s your deal with Doc now?” Of course, literally, why wouldn’t he ask? Going out one-on-one with a member of Matenrou meant that eventually they’re gonna talk about him. It’s not like the pair worship the ground he walks on or anything. Is that why Hifumi asked to go out with him? To interrogate him about his past?
Staring into the mixed fruits and yogurt of his parfait, Ramuda replied,
“Well, what do you think is the deal?” If they were gonna talk about that old fart, Ramuda might as well try to be smart about it and not say more than he has to.
“Uh, I don’t know! Docs being like, super vague about it. That’s why I wanted to ask you!” Hifumi probed.
“Ehhh, I mean I don’t know what you want me to tell you… I guess he’s slightly more tolerable now, but he’s still a smelly old man!” Ramuda stuck out his tongue. Even now, he couldn’t help but keep the venom out of his tone when talking about Jakurai. Old habits die hard, he supposed.
“Hey, Doc doesn’t smell!”
“See, I don’t know why you and the salary zombie are so obsessed with him.”
“We’re not obsessed with him! And like, weren’t you obsessed with him too? I looked through his old pics, you were either draped over him or hanging on his arm in every one! Seems obsessed to me.” Hifumi replied smugly.
“Ugh,” Ramuda made a mental note to chastise Jakurai for letting his friends look through his phone. Apparently, he was adept at keeping secrets concerning himself, but not when they incriminated Ramuda.
“Well? Ok, just answer this: do you like him or not? Cus' I don’t know if I want to be hanging around a guy who hates one of my friends, fashionable or not!”
“…I think he’s a moron,” the designer answered. In truth, Ramada wasn’t sure that he could actually provide a clear-cut answer to that question. So at that moment, he prayed that Hifumi wouldn’t force him to.
“Come on, you know that’s not true. Docs, like, a frickin’ genius!”
“Well yeah, in doctor stuff, but when it comes to people, he’s a big dummy!”
“Whaaaat, why?” Hifumi asked, though, in truth, it wasn’t hard to see where Ramuda was coming from. Maybe it was because Hifumi and Doppo looked up to Jakurai, but his flaws were rarely noticeable to them. When they had first met him, they often found themselves wondering if Jakurai even had any. However, deeper into their friendship, hearing how Jakurai's past friendships broke down made them acutely aware of Jakurai’s occasional social ineptitude. Either way, Ramuda could tell that he wasn’t searching for an objective answer to that question, just the one that pertained to his relationship with Jakurai.
Eventually, after a brief staredown, Ramada relented.
“Like, I don’t know if you know what happened between us, but he decided to forgive me for it.”
“Well, me and Doppo think you probs had a reason for doing what you did anyways… But isn’t that good? Like, don’t you want him to forgive you?” Hifumi implored.
“I do! I mean, I did. But I feel like he forgave me because he thinks I’m something I’m not,” the air instantly became colder. Ramuda didn’t want to keep talking about Jakurai, but the words kept spilling out. What was wrong with him? He used to be better at lying than this. He pushed around the half-bitten fruits in his parfait, suddenly, they looked less appetizing. Hifumi, seemingly not catching onto the tension, pushed forward.
“Uh huh, well what do you think he thinks you are?”
“I don’t know? Like, probably some kind of good, trustworthy person now that I’ve apologized.”
“Well, why do you think you’re not those things?”
“Because I’m just not! You wouldn’t really understand Hifumin,” Ramuda huffed. Hifumi studied Ramuda, the sweets abandoned. Ramuda’s expression looked familiar, it’s one that he’s seen on Doppo far too many times.
“Ok, fine, why do you think that he thinks you’re a good person? I mean, even though you think he’s stupid or whatever, you know he doesn’t make assumptions about people for no reason,” Ramuda’s eyes widened for a moment. He pushed around his parfait and contemplated Hifumi’s words for a few seconds. He hadn’t really thought about why Jakurai would think he was good, just that he was stupid for thinking it.
“I guess… It's probably because he’s holding on to memories from the past or something,” though in truth, Jakurai wasn't the only one holding on to said memories. They're memories that cling to Ramuda and refuse to let go. Memories that made him who he was now, memories that instilled a feeling of impending doom, a feeling that whatever emotion he invests in his friends will be for naught in the end. Those memories were the driving force of his cynical attitude towards his friendship with Gentaro and Dice. They told him that even though he could have a blast with his posse, a friendship with secrets could never be real. Even in the face of a new dynamic he could have with Jakurai, those memories refuse to show him a different ending to a story he’s heard once before. Hifumi, apparently experienced in sensing negative emotions, tried to snap him out of it.
“Oh yeah, you taught Doc how to rap right?”
“Yup, you think he’s good? That was all me,” Ramuda tried to change the subject. He cracked a smile thinking about Jakurai’s first attempts at rapping.
“Then what's the big deal? You taught him how to rap and hung out with him, that’s good!”
“Yeah, well I didn’t do all that out of the kindness of my heart. Like, I wouldn’t have done it If I wasn’t ordered to do it,” Ramuda snapped.
“So lemme get this straight, you made not one, but TWO songs with Doc and braided his hair because someone told you to?”
"Ugh, well, maybe not that stuff,” Ramuda cringed.
“Then I don’t see how you’re such a terrible person Ramuchi! Cut yourself some slack!” Hifumi leaned over and pat (slapped) Ramuda on the back. Though intended to make Ramuda feel better, Hifumi’s carefree attitude only served to make him feel as though he wasn’t being taken seriously.
“Hifumin… listen, you just don’t get it! Even if I liked hanging out with him, I still did so many terrible things to him and other people. How I felt about it doesn’t matter.”
“Hmmm, I don’t think so, I think how you felt about it matters and I think Doc thinks so too,” Ramuda turned silent, contemplative. He searched Hifumi’s expression for something that refuted what he was saying. “Ok, wellll…Let me put it like this, how did you feel about doing the bad stuff?”
“Well, I didn’t really like doing it, I wasn’t going out of my way to do anything I wasn’t ordered to do. But… I think deep down a part of me did like it,” Ramuda looked at the passerbys shopping, his parfait, the clothes they bought, anything that would allow him to avoid Hifumi’s gaze. But when he finally looked at him, his eyes stung just a little. Hifumi’s expression wasn’t judgmental or disappointed or angry. He just looked a little sad, sympathetic almost. But Ramuda wasn’t accustomed to seeing that kind of look directed towards him, so he wasn’t quite sure.
“…Why?” Ramuda took a deep breath and looked directly at Hifumi.
“Well… most of my life at that point had been monitored by other people. Like, all of my big decisions weren’t really mine, I was just a puppet for those women. Manipulating, lying… hurting people let me feel like I had some sense of control. Like, even though I’m being controlled, at least I can control other people, so I’m not completely helpless.”
“Oh…I mean, I kinda get that. If you’re forced to do things you don’t want to do all the time, you’re gonna have to find a way to like it to cope. Just so you’re not, like, 100% miserable all the time. Like, take my buddy Doppo for example, he hates his job, but he tells me that even though he hates his boss’s guts, he still finds small ways to enjoy it a little. So, I always tell him to focus on those things. Of course, he never listens, but the point still stands!”
“I don’t think that’s the same. I mean, for him it’s just a dumb office job, but I think that experience changed something in me. Like, there’s a kind of poison, or sludge in me now that wasn’t there before and I don’t think I can ever make it go away.”
“Well duh! Everyone has some kind of bad side, even me! And I’ll bet you that Doc has a bad side too, and that’s probs why he had it in him to forgive you,” Hifumi retorted.
“I still don’t think you get it, it’s not like a “bad side”! It’s like, even though I have my posse and the people I like, there’s still a small part of me now that resents everyone. Because in the past, there was a time when I really did hate everybody. The me from that time still lives inside me now.”
“Oh, So…do you hate me?”
“No… I guess, it's sort of what you represent? Like, when I see people just being people, there’s a small voice that says ‘You don’t know how good you have it’. Even when your life sucks, you still have a choice, well my life sucked and I had no say in it. It’s either ‘have a shitty life’ or die. But you guys get to choose because you’re human and I’m not. Even though I know I’m just as smart and talented and creative as any human is, I know that at the end of the day, I was sold to Chuoku as a product and the things in me that make me not human will always keep me from having what humans have! Humans don’t have to worry about fulfilling a purpose, humans get to… they get to make their own purpose! They weren’t created to do something or to be a puppet in some grand scheme, they do what they want! They don’t have their lives dangled above them, and now I may actually have a chance to live my own life, but I might run out of time before I can even hope to live that life!”
Ramuda’s voice cracked, and people around them started to glance at him. Somewhere in his tirade, he found himself standing and his vision blurred through the tears. He knew he was probably yelling and sounded hysterical, he also knew that he said most of that so fast that it was barely comprehensible, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. If Hifumi wanted to talk about this topic, then he couldn’t get upset when Ramuda got emotional. He couldn’t get upset that Ramuda wasn’t cute or sweet. He couldn’t get upset that Ramuda wasn’t really what he seemed. It wouldn’t be fair.
But Hifumi didn’t complain or get upset that Ramuda was making a scene. He didn’t do much of anything, actually. He looked directly into Ramuda’s teary eyes, studying him with concern. It was as if he was searching for something, something that he wouldn’t find unless he peered deeply into Ramuda’s very being. After what felt like an eternity, Hifumi took a deep breath.
“…Listen, Ramuda, you’re never gonna find someone spotless. The day you find someone who doesn’t have some kind of poison or sludge is the day that Doppo gets a full night of sleep! That kind of thing… in one way or another, it exists in everyone and it doesn’t make you good or bad. It makes you human, I think,” Hifumi cracked a smile. “And you know, I’m older than you so you should listen to what I have to say!” Ramuda rubbed his eyes and let out a giggle.
“Ugh, don’t go talking like the old man too!” The designer clumsily pulled his chair back in and sat down, fully aware of the eyes that were still glued to him. If anyone asked, the heat had gotten to him and the yogurt in his parfait had expired.
“But I’m not convinced that you’re the bad guy that you’re trying to make yourself out to be. And I think that Doc sees something in you that maybe you don’t see.” Hifumi beamed. It seemed as though Ramuda wasn’t going to convince Hifumi to agree that Jakurai was wrong for forgiving him. Though inwardly, he was hoping he couldn’t.
“…Maybe,” Ramuda relented.
“But either way, you never answered my question! Do you like Doc or not?”
“I think… I think the fact that he’s a moron isn’t half bad.”
“Still doesn’t answer my question, but why?”
“Well, the fact that he sees something, or thinks he sees something, makes me want to be the thing he sees,” Ramuda avoided Hifumi’s gaze, but his ears were glowing pink. Hifumi leaned forward, invading his personal space.
“Wow, so he makes you wanna drain out that poison huh. Awww, now what are we gonna call our new division when you guys decide to team up again? Fling Matenrou? Matenrou posse?”
“Oh shut up,” he pushed Hifumi’s face back. Ramuda fiddled with his hair and chuckled. They paid for their half-eaten food and gave a generous tip for the scene they caused. Ramuda honestly didn’t really know why or how Hifumi was able to get all of that out of him, but as he walked out of the cafe, the heat wasn't as suffocating and his body felt just a little bit lighter.