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The hair was brown, not black. It smelled of aloe vera, not apples. It didn’t slip through Yuuko’s fingers like silk – it tousled and tangled itself in her hand. She closed her eyes again but the illusion was gone.
It had been hypnotising for a moment to kiss willing lips and lean against another. To have her waist circled with hesitant but secure hands and her heart soothed with a sweet first kiss. It had been easy to get lost in that moment and feel like everything added up, like it was what she wanted. But when she had opened her eyes she had seen Natsuki’s face and felt Natsuki’s hair and smelt’s Natsuki’s scent.
Her heart betrayed her, but her mind was clear. She knew that it was supposed to be Kaori kissing her, even though her body seemed content with a replacement. She longed for thinner lips pressed against hers, for daintier hands on her waist, and a softer voice panting against her mouth. She had envisioned a first kiss which would make her whole world stop – instead, Natsuki’s kiss made her head spin and everything go so much faster.
The illusion was gone, but she lingered in the reality she didn’t quite approve of. Natsuki became intoxicating in a devious way Yuuko wanted to resent, but couldn’t. Staying in her arms was such an easy and natural thing to do, even though everything about her reminded Yuuko that it was not the one she truly wanted. How could her body think her an apropos stand-in, when everything marked the differences between her, and the angelic and serene Kaori?
Natsuki moaned into her mouth, and Yuuko swallowed the desire. The taste made her shiver, and her hands found themselves deeply ensnared in Natsuki’s unruly hair. She pushed herself against this person she didn’t truly want, and deepened the kiss she didn’t really desire. Kaori’s name was on her lips when she panted in-between the myriad of deep and simple kisses, but it seemed less and less likely to slip out.
What she desired wasn’t just this physical thing, but true love for the ache in her chest. She had admired and desired Kaori – following her around to see her succeed, wanting to help her be as happy as possible, and wishing for Kaori to see that with her, she would be safe, protected and satisfied. She had wanted to be everything to Kaori, as Kaori had been everything to her. It hadn’t been about desiring touches or kisses, or anything beyond that. Simply being acknowledged and reciprocated for her love would have sufficed.
Natsuki’s hand moved against her back, tickling her through the cloth of her uniform, but the sensation only made her hotter. Her eyes were shut firmly still, but she could see from another’s viewpoint how taut her body was against Natsuki’s, and how Natsuki’s frame and hands enveloped her completely. The feeling would have been supreme, had she not been disillusioned.
What she was offered wasn’t just this physical thing, but she couldn’t accept Natsuki’s feelings as real. They had been stated so often in jest that stated in earnest they had rung false. Natsuki was the girl who cried wolf, and Yuuko hated her for it – or wished that she could.
“It’s my love”, Natsuki had said one too many times. Even if Yuuko had wanted to believe her – and even though she started to feel convinced by the way Natsuki held her so tightly, and allowed her to breathe and consume her equally – her mind was made up. Natsuki had said that she loved her conviction, too.
If their kisses were to never stop, Yuuko would have felt satisfaction with this act. But this took place in that awful thing called reality, and it was inevitable to end. Where would that leave them? Where would that leave her? Her mind was dizzy as she tried to assemble her thoughts, and separate herself from the way she now existed. Where would that leave Kaori? And where would it leave Natsuki?
It was too complicated, but it felt too simple. It was too easy to be kissed and give in, and it was too depressing to think of the aftermath. Believing Natsuki should have been uncomplicated, but thinking about it made everything too hard. Yuuko’s eyes were so tightly shut that tears started to fall from exhaustion – or maybe from subconscious sadness she had no control over.
Her tears tasted salty against her tongue, and Natsuki was allowed to taste it as well, in a deep, suffocating lock of lips. Yuuko worried that they would stop all-together when Natsuki paused, but was mistaken. Her tears were wiped off with a gentle hand, and she dared to look, as she was suspiciously comforted.
Natsuki’s eyes were unfocused, dazed, but seemed to be looking at all of her. Her cheeks were flushed from the kissing, but Yuuko felt how hot her own face was burning, and knew she was much worse off. It didn’t seem like a joke to see Natsuki both so dedicated to her feelings, yet lacking in her assertion. Her hand was tentative on Yuuko’s cheek, even as she acted correctly, and the hand around her waist was firm, even though her arm was slack.
She wasn’t toying with her feelings, Yuuko knew. The only one playing with her conflicting emotions was Yuuko herself.
“You need to stop this,” she muttered, without enough rage to befit the claim. She wasn’t sure who she aimed it at, but she grabbed Natsuki’s wrist and pulled it away from her face – before leaning forward and kissing her again, and again, and one more time for good measure.
Her heart worked harder than it ever had before at beating on her emotion’s behalf. She didn’t want to close her eyes as she kissed Natsuki, even though she saw brown hair, skin free of beauty marks, and eyes more violet than red. Maybe her body had told her the truth, when it didn’t reject Natsuki’s advances. Maybe her instincts had been correct, in allowing the first kiss. Maybe Natsuki had told the truth, when she had said: “I just wanted to show my love for you,” with more tremble to her voice than the faux confidence she usually projected. It had been more seductive than when she had tried to be alluring at any other time before.
So this was Natsuki’s love. Told in truth, without the gifts meant to spoil her to the point of embarrassment, and without the teasing pulling of her ribbon, or assertive smirk making her mad. When Yuuko felt too breathless to continue kissing she leaned down to rest her head under Natsuki’s chin, feeling delirious yet more assured than before. She let go of Natsuki’s wrist without realising she had held it so tightly.
Had she been mistaken in wishing for Kaori instead? It felt distant to picture her, as Natsuki’s breath against the top of her hair made her tingle. Or had she simply been greedy, and accepted Natsuki at long last just because she was available?
She didn’t wish an answer to her questions, so she didn’t probe. It didn’t have to be so complicated to simply accept how she felt now – and how Natsuki had felt for longer.
She held onto Natsuki and wanted it to be no one else. Her hand reached Natsuki’s and grabbed it. She leaned back and looked up at Natsuki’s still drunken expression, and didn’t even blink before kissing her again.
Her eyes were wide open.