Archive of Our Own ^beta

One more month. 

One more month of sitting in a chair that was on the verge of cracking and breaking under his weight. One more month of the teachers’ look of disapproval when he decided to only turn in enough to pass the grade. One more month of this hellhole. 

At least the Pogues - or most of them anyway - made it tolerable. Barely, but still. Better than nothing. 

But here he was in Chemistry, his eyes focused on the paper in front of him. This was actually a class he didn’t hate - he also didn’t see much purpose in it, but at least he got to blow things up occasionally. Usually accidentally, and he almost always got those looks he hated when it happened, but whatever. 

The Effects of Environmental Contamination on the Climate

Her face flashed through JJ’s mind intuitively and his jaw and fist clenched in an effort to stop it from happening again. It didn’t matter who would’ve been all over this assignment. It didn’t matter that she would’ve had about a dozen and a half opinions about it. It didn’t matter that she probably would’ve ended up in a fight with Mr. Peterson because the last thing that man cared about was contaminating the environment. And she would’ve called him out on it, told him that if he was going to teach such an important topic, he probably shouldn’t do it while drinking water out of a straw in a plastic, single-use water bottle.

But she wasn’t here. Mr. Peterson was free to get away with whatever shit he wanted to. He could talk out of both sides of his mouth to his heart’s content. It wasn’t like JJ was going to do anything about it. Hell, he used plastic water bottles too. But at least he had the decency not to teach about it.

1. Which chemical has the greatest impact on the soil samples in front of you?

JJ sighed and put his forehead down on the desk. One more month. Then freshman year would be over, and he could lounge around wherever the hell he wanted on the Island and drink and smoke and not have to deal with this shit anymore. It wasn’t like he had some big destiny after graduation. Assuming that at some point in the next three years he didn’t just get sick of the whole thing and dip for good. 

“Class, please welcome our new student and make her feel welcome. She has a lot of catching up to do, so please be helpful.”

A new student? This late in the year? A catcall from somewhere to his left had his hackles raised, and while he wasn’t exactly unlikely to do that sort of thing himself, he at least didn’t do it to embarrass the girl like the jackass three rows back was clearly trying to do. A series of oohs from the same group sounded, and JJ’s lips twitched up a bit at the obvious rejection that the asshole had received.

“Mr. Peterson?” a voice that was far too eerily familiar spoke up and JJ’s blood ran completely cold.

It was a coincidence. He was only hearing her because he’d just been thinking about her. She was gone. She was at a different school with different friends - had been for months. He hadn’t heard from her in months . He was only imagining it because it’s been too long and he must’ve forgotten what she actually sounded like. 

“Would you like me to recycle that water bottle for you? Or were you planning on using it as an example of how to destroy our one and only Earth in your lesson?”

Shit. 

JJ’s heart raced. What the ever-loving fuck was she doing here? This wasn’t her school. She had no friends here - she’d made that abundantly clear. Kildare High was no place for the new and improved Kiara Carrera. 

And yet, when JJ finally lifted his suddenly enormously heavy head and looked in the direction of the voice, that was exactly who he saw. And it stole all the breath from his lungs. 

She either hadn’t seen him or was ignoring him with a skill perfected over months and months of unanswered texts, phone calls, and canceled plans. Either way, they weren’t friends any longer, so he had no reason to be gaping at her like a grouper fish. 

He hated the way his eyes scanned her anyway, an automatic response to not having gotten a glimpse of her in weeks. Weeks, not months, because there was one Saturday night at a Boneyard party last month that he’d rather not think about at the moment. 

Mostly because it wasn’t going to help his gaping situation. 

She looked different, and yet so achingly consistent. A little older, and if the length of her torso was anything to go by, probably taller. Her hair was longer, the wild curls that used to be frizzy and uncontrollable were now tamed with some sort of hair product, falling down past her shoulders to her elbows. Much to his surprised satisfaction she still wore no make-up, though her lips were shiny so clearly, she was wearing something . And shit, now he was looking at her lips and he tried to avert his eyes before she could sense his gaze.

No such luck. 

Because after Mr. Peterson noisily and with great fanfare tossed the plastic bottle in the recycle can by the door, she sat back in her chair, crossing her arms across her chest - don’t get him started on that part of her that had clearly changed - and glanced directly at him. 

JJ felt frozen as he watched surprise flicker across her features before it disappeared, and she held his gaze for what couldn’t have been longer than a few seconds, yet somehow felt like hours. A pit grew in his stomach when he realized he couldn’t tell what she was thinking anymore.

It had always been a thing of theirs - JJ and Kie. Ever since they’d become friends back in the fourth grade, they’d basically been able to read each other’s minds. Finishing sentences, filling in gaps in plans and adventures. Knowing when to push, when to pull, when to speak, when to shut up and sit quietly. Always with a healthy dose of bickering in between it all, but they knew when the other needed a laugh or help or back-up. All by the look in their eyes and on their faces. 

So that was probably why, when he looked at her, really looked her in the eyes for the first time in months and saw nothing but emptiness, nothing but a fixed gaze as if he was someone brand new to her, that it left JJ feeling more disoriented and unsettled than when she hadn’t been here at all. 

Because this wasn’t his Kie. His Kiara never closed herself off to him, never hid the deepest parts of her. She’d once told him that if he was honest with her about what messed up shit went on in his head that she would do the same. That forged an intimacy that JJ had never felt with anyone else in his life. Except maybe John B or Pope, but even that had felt different.

Then she left. Not by choice, and at first nothing was really different, but slowly she’d drifted and then stopped responding completely and he’d felt like he’d been set afloat in the ocean with nothing to hold onto. JJ was used to people leaving - expected it even. He was completely ill-equipped to handle what it meant for someone to come back.

And the fact that she was now so close but still so distant fucking messed with his head. 

So when the bell signaling the end of class rang - honestly JJ had no idea if he’d even done a damn thing the entire class - he bolted as far and as fast as he could, ditching his Algebra class, pushing past students with barely mumbled sorrys and excuse mes and get the fuck out of my ways .

“Yo, bro, where’s the fire?” he heard Pope call to him as he passed but JJ ignored him. The walls were closing in and he had to get out before she was in his proximity again. He had no idea why she was back at Kildare High, but he also had no interest in finding out. 

Or at least, that was what he told himself. 

He told himself he didn’t care as he passed a group of girls gossiping by the bathroom - 

Did you see who’s back? I heard it was because she flunked out, I knew she wasn’t that smart - and he bit his tongue to force back a retort because she was one of the smartest people he knew.

I heard she got pregnant and they kicked her out - his stomach rolled at the thought.

I heard the Kooks sent her as a spy - what the fuck?

I heard she punched someone and their jaw had to be wired shut - okay that one might have merit. She did always have a temper and a hell of a right hook. But even so - pretty out there. Her parents would murder her and since she was here in Kildare High… unlikely.

I heard she fucked a teacher - JJ actually almost laughed at that one because these people, despite having gone to school with her for eight years had absolutely no idea who she was.

He finally reached the double doors of the entrance to the school and pushed them open with far more vigor than was necessary, but if he didn’t have some sort of outlet for the cascade of emotion coursing through him, he was going to do some serious damage to something with less give than his knuckles.

JJ could vaguely hear John B and Pope calling after him as he reached his bicycle. Man he couldn't wait to get his license and be able to peel out of here on the motorbike he’d been working on at the Chateau. He had an understanding with Bobby at the scrap yard to let him know when the parts he needed showed up, and slowly but surely, it was actually starting to resemble something that he might be able to use and be mildly safe on. He was a couple months away from 15 and then one more year and he’d have more freedom on the Island than just where his bikes and scrawny legs could take him. 

“JJ - stop! Dude!”

“Did you know she was back?” he demanded, probably with more bite than he should’ve. It wasn’t Pope or John B’s fault that she was here in the flesh and in the school that he hated but was legally forced to come to anyway, that Mr. Peterson had called her a new student so presumably she wasn’t going to leave anytime soon either. 

John B looked as confused as JJ felt, but Pope’s heavy sigh said volumes. 

“She was in my second period history class.”

“And you didn’t think to fucking say anything?” JJ asked, stepping towards his friend who was starting to feel like less of a friend by the minute and he really needed to get out of here before he did something he was going to regret because his frustration had nothing to do with either of them, but any longer and it was going to blow up directly at them.

“Okay, what is happening? Who is back? Someone please fill me in!” John B exclaimed, putting his hands on his friends’ chests. JJ glared at him, letting his anger and confusion answer for him. And it seemed to work because finally recognition filled his features. He swung his gaze to Pope. “And you didn’t tell him?”

JJ had no room in his brain to process why John B would be questioning Pope’s silence to JJ over himself.

“Look, I’m not the enemy here, okay? She ditched us, not the other way around. Sorry if I don’t care enough to join the gossip mill around here.”

“We aren’t the gossip mill, Pope,” John B pointed out. “We’re Pogues. We don’t lie to each other.”

“A heads up would’ve been nice,” JJ muttered, his anger ebbing a bit, but his claustrophobia still gnawing at him. “I need to go - get the fuck out of here. I’m gonna grab my board and hit the break for a while. Cover for me in Algebra?” he asked.

Pope grunted in frustration, “Yeah, I got you,” he agreed. “And I’m sorry - I’m just…”

“Yeah, we all are.”

—

It was just over a week before they finally said two words to each other. And it was only because they got paired together in that fucking chemistry class. He’d been perfectly content - or stubbornly uncooperative depending on how you looked at it - to ignore her. To exist in the same school without ever coming in contact. 

But he heard things. Variances of what rumors he’d heard spread that first day, everyone at Kildare High desperate to know why Kiara Carrera had been thrown back to the likes of them. JJ hated how badly he was one of them who too wondered why the hell she wasn’t at St. Alice’s anymore. 

Of course, again, this wasn’t his Kie. This wasn’t Kie of the Pogues - no, there was something about her that had changed other than obvious physical appearance. It was in the way she carried herself through the halls, the way her eyes darted about suspiciously, the way she flinched at the littlest of contact. 

It grated on him, despite how hard he tried to resist it. He told himself she obviously didn’t need him anymore and any concern he felt, any residual protectiveness over his best friend was unwarranted, unneeded, and unnecessary. She was a student like any other and he was determined to treat her as such. 

But now that they were lab partners, he was forced to be in proximity to her - to have to smell her new shampoo and/or whatever other hair products she was using these days, to feel the radiance of warmth from her shoulder as she sat next to him, to have to hear her scoff at whatever idiotic thing the teacher said, to have to hear her voice at all. 

Because underneath all the changes, he could feel her in there. His Kie. And the tiny part of JJ that wasn’t angry or disappointed missed the shit out of that Kie. Longed for her to put her head on his shoulder or throw him one of her brilliant smiles like she pulled the sunshine right out of the old star itself. 

But he was a stubborn bastard that refused to let that part of him out. It was too vulnerable, too intimate for a relationship that no longer existed. So JJ would do what he did best and bury the fuck out of it. That part of JJ didn’t get to be in charge. That JJ would probably forgive her in an instant if and when she ever asked. Petty and Hurt JJ wanted nothing to do with forgiveness.

He might only be 15, but he was so used to people leaving that he was completely ill-equipped to handle any of them coming back. 

“So I guess we’ll just get it over with as quickly as possible?” she asked him, her voice surprisingly void of any emotion, again a change that his brain was unable to process correctly. It used to be full of life and humor and joy.

“Yeah, whatever. Sounds good.”

“Jayj - I can always just do most…” she trailed, cutting herself off when he snapped his eyes to her, her old nickname for him flowing out of her mouth like it belonged there. 

“Most people just call me JJ,” he bit towards her, and was only sort of pleased when recognition and hurt flickered in her eyes for a moment. Finally, some emotion, even if it was the bad kind. “And I’ll do my fair share. I don’t need you to carry me,” he told her. The part hidden deep inside chastised him for snapping at her. For volunteering for more homework to justify his pride. 

“JJ,” she said slowly, like the name was foreign and new and she was trying it out for the first time and he forced himself to ignore the hurt in her tone. “Okay. Fine. Here. You can do this page, I’ll do this one, but we’ll have to do the conclusion of our experiments together,” she sighed, like she was already anticipating a fight from him.

He grabbed the paper she handed him and nodded. That seemed fair enough. “Great. I’ll have my portion done by Friday. That enough time for you?”

“Yeah, but - ” she started, but he cut her off.

“Then I’ll see you Friday. We can meet at the Wreck or something?”

She opened her mouth but closed it again, her brows furrowing as she studied the paper. When she looked back at him, her expression had hardened. “I can’t Friday, and the Wreck is closed that day anyway.”

“The Wreck is never closed on Friday,” he argued, which a part of his brain recognized as sort of stupid considering her parents owned the Wreck so of course she would know when it was open or closed.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “This Friday it is. The carnival? It’s Kildare’s Summer Kick-off. My parents will be there with their booth like always, remember?” He snorted and her expression just grew colder. “Whatever. We’ll just finish it there, I guess. I’ll talk my parents into letting me take a break from my penance and we’ll get it done.”

His face twisted and he opened his mouth before he could think better of it. “Penance?” Dammit he didn’t want to know .

But also, sort of he did.

When she didn’t say anything to clarify, he opened his mouth again, despite his better judgment. “Kie?” 

The phrase if looks could kill immediately ran through his mind. “Yeah, penance. You think they willingly put me back in Kildare High?” she asked obviously. The bell rang before he could ask any follow-up questions and she bolted for the door, but not before throwing over her shoulder, “And most people call me Kiara.”

It was fair, but JJ was still surprised how much that hurt.

—

“I don’t know, man, she seems different,” Pope said, laying on the bow of the HMS Pogue on Friday afternoon. “She isn’t answering hardly any questions in history, and I know she knows them.”

“Yeah, I don’t think I’ve seen her smile once - it’s weird,” John B agreed, lounging in the driver’s seat as they floated lazily through the marsh. “And she seems angry , like really pissed off.”

Pope snapped. “Yes! Like that time JJ tried to skateboard down a fence and flew into her parents’ car.”

John B whistled. “Ooh boy, that was not a great afternoon.”

“ ‘JJ - you have got to start using your head’ ” Pope imitated.

JJ bristled at the memory, pulling his hat lower over his head to try to futilely block them out.

“ ‘But I totally almost nailed that last turn, dude, let me just try again!’ ” John B said, continuing. The two of them broke out into a fit of giggles and it only made JJ’s nerves feel like they were more on fire. Didn’t they care that she left them? That she was a Pogue and promised to be their friend forever through it all and then dipped the second she got some richy-rich friends?

“Yeah, but now it’s like she’s one of those Pod people. Or an alien,” John B said, his tone taking on a current of sadness now and that was almost worse.

“I heard that theory yesterday,” Pope said, lifting his head up. “She got abducted, dumped back down to Earth and now she’s acting all suspicious.”

You think they willingly put me back in Kildare High?

Her comment had been running through JJ’s brain the last few days and he really couldn't make heads or tails of it. If she got kicked out, why wouldn’t she just say that? Was it because she was embarrassed to admit that she’d rather have stayed at St. Alice’s instead? JJ didn’t think he’d be able to handle it if that was the case. 

He didn’t have her back in his life, wasn’t even sure if he wanted her to be (he very much did) but if that was the case, it’d almost be like losing her all over again. And he’d barely survived the last time. 

JJ propped himself up on one of his elbows. “Whatever. Pod person or not, she’s not Kie. And she’s not a Pogue so it doesn’t really fucking matter, does it?” he snapped under his breath, but he could see that they heard him anyway, if the look they exchanged was anything to go by. 

“Dude, you’re really not - ” Pope started before John B started furiously shaking his head like a wet dog and Pope closed his mouth.

“Once a Pogue, always a Pogue, man,” John B held firm, crossing his arms in front of his chest. 

“Yeah, I mean, don’t you miss her?” Pope asked quietly. 

JJ sighed and ignored the question. “I just mean, if she’s really back, she clearly has no interest in hanging with us anymore. Has she called either one of you?” he asked. When neither of them responded and only averted their eyes, he clenched his jaw. “Yeah. That’s what I thought. She doesn’t care anymore. So why should we?”

“Because we don’t give up, Bree,” John B said, an edge to his tone that he rarely broke out. Usually, his best friend was fairly easy going, normally went with the flow and while he didn’t mind confrontation, he almost never sought it out.  

“You’re really not curious as to what’s going on with her?” Pope asked, finishing his sentence from earlier that John B had been trying to keep him from asking. “You were always the one that fished it out of her first.”

I’ll take a break from my penance.

He almost physically slapped his forehead to see if that would help get her out of his head.

Because JJ did not need any more reminders of what he’d lost when Kie was sent to St. Alice’s. In fact, remembering was all his brain seemed to want to do since she flew back into Kildare High. All the memories shoving themselves to the forefront of his thoughts, trying to shake his resolve of leaving her be. As fucking pissed as he was, Pope wasn’t wrong, he did miss her. And he knew they missed her too. 

This whole situation was so screwed up and now he was going to have to go to this damn carnival tonight that usually he avoided at all costs. It was framed as a fundraiser for local community programs, to help the underfunded initiatives aimed at the less fortunate. It was put on by the YMCA themselves, and it was supposed to attract the Kook pocketbooks, but really it ended up being only the students from St. Alice’s, throwing money around and causing a ruckus until the people managing it shut the thing down for the night. 

He loved a good party as much as the next guy, but spending his time with hoity-toity rich kids was not something he cared to have anything to do with. 

But in a stunning twist of events, he now had to go spend time with the person that would’ve made this whole thing bearable in the first place. 

If things were different, if she’d never left and there was never this damn chasm in their friendship - or lack thereof - and they’d been paired as lab partners… it might have actually been fun. Because she usually had a way of making him feel like life wasn’t so heavy, like for just a night he didn’t have to worry about his fucking future, or his mess of a homelife, or where his next meal was coming from. 

They’d take turns making each other laugh as they made fun of Topper and his flavor of the week, sneak fries out of the Wreck’s booth, scare each other through the hall of mirrors. She and Pope would rig the mechanical bull by messing with the computer program so John B could win, only to be tossed on his ass in the second round. She’d bet them a week of Chateau grocery runs that she could win the arm-wrestling robot, knowing there was no chance of her winning that one so they wouldn't feel bad accepting the enormous amount of food that flooded their abode after.

JJ tried to push away the sting. “She doesn’t care anymore, Pope. Why should I?” he mumbled, pushing off his spot on the bow to pull his shirt off and dive into the waters below.

“Yo, bro, where’re you going?” 

“I gotta get some shit done before tonight, see you losers later.”

He could’ve waited until the other boys were ready to dock the Pogue - technically he was almost done with his part of the assignment already and there really wasn’t much left to finish before his meet up with Kie - Kiara - tonight. If she wasn’t interested in telling them why she’d been forced back into Kildare High, why should he be?

—

Kiara was more nervous than she thought she’d be as she set foot on carnival grounds, her arms full of boxes her mom had shoved at her the moment she’d gotten out of their car. It was heavy, full of potatoes for the fries and usually she’d give her mom lip about it and her dad would sigh and take it from her and give her something else to carry, but she honestly couldn’t care less about it this year. 

After she’d gotten herself expelled from St. Alice’s, her parents had made it damn clear that she was basically theirs to order around now. Kie had been given chore after chore, shift after shift at the Wreck, probably breaking a dozen child labor laws, but she’d accepted the punishment without complaint. 

Not because she felt bad - not even a fucking little bit - the asshole definitely had it coming. But because she was in the midst of feeling guilty for something else entirely. So Kie told herself this was karma. She abandoned the people that meant more to her than the sun itself and now her freedom was stripped away. 

Not that she’d have anywhere to go or anyone to hang out with anyway. She’d thoroughly burned every damn bridge and she had no one to blame but herself. 

Yet, with the weather finally turning from the dreariness of the colder seasons to warm and inviting, her bones ached for the waves, even if she had go alone. Her muscles felt atrophied from the lack of working them out and she would give anything to feel the soreness that came from a day at the break. 

But she supposed that was part of the karma. It wouldn’t be enough to just be working off her offenses, she needed to be kept from doing the things she actually wanted to do too - which suited her just fine. The pain, the sting, the desperation to feel the rebirth that came from catching the perfect swell and not being allowed to… she deserved it all. 

Most people call me JJ .

But the pain of not being allowed to surf had nothing on the pain that her heart felt when she’d heard him say that. And sure, she’d been a little bit of a bitch to him since she’d been back, determined not to let on how badly she missed her boys, but the fact that he seemed perfectly content to treat her like a stranger - like the new kid at school who needed to learn her place - fuck she felt like she’d been ripped in half. 

He’d never looked at her like that. Not even in his most heated moments over the years, not even in his most guarded, most self-destructive, most battered and bruised and agonizing moments. 

Fuck she never deserved anything good ever again for putting that look in his eyes.

She missed the way he’d talk to her, the way he’d make her laugh, the way they used to banter, hell, even the way they used to fight. There was purpose, there was emotion and fire and concern. She missed the way they could communicate without speaking, the way they could be open and honest and raw with each other. But to interact with her like she was of no consequence to him? Like he no longer cared? That was so far away from the JJ she’d grown up with.

And she wanted her JJ back. 

She missed him. 

But she didn’t have the privilege of missing him anymore. Burned bridges and all. 

A sick, selfish part of her hung onto that first day, on the way he’d been so focused on his desk when she’d walked in the classroom, not even noticing her until she spoke. And he’d been so surprised to see her that he hadn’t gotten the chance to arrange his features into the mask she saw every time she looked at him now and just for one, brief, beautiful second, she’d seen him. Hope was given only to have it stolen when he realized what was happening and that she was back. Oh, how he must hate her. 

So, she’d made sure her face was a mirror of his - indifference taking control in order to stop feeling so damn shitty all of the time.

“Kiara, baby, put that over here - ” her dad instructed, snapping her out of her reverie. She’d see JJ soon enough, if he showed up. She knew he hated these things and had the tendency to dip if given the chance. And it wasn’t like she was exactly incentive to actually come. Not like she usually was. 

Kiara set the box down without a word and headed back to the car to grab another one, ignoring the way her dad looked at her warily. She knew after what happened, they’d been keeping a closer eye on her mental state, and there wasn’t exactly a good way of convincing them she was fine. So, she opted for silence instead. Kildare High’s guidance counselor made her talk enough - a condition of her transferring back. 

“Hey, Kiara - ” a familiar voice shouted across the parking lot. She froze for just a second, gritting her teeth as she forced her body into motion, to keep moving forward and just ignore the grating voice of Rafe Cameron, flanked on his left by Kelce. “Ballsy to show your face here.”

He wasn’t worth the breath it’d take to tell him to fuck off so she closed the trunk and headed back towards the carnival without a word, the dozens of cups and plastic silverware held precariously in her arms. 

That was, until Rafe strode over and knocked them to the ground, spoons and forks and straws sprawling across the dirt. 

Rage took over her senses and she turned to face Rafe down, steeling her nerve so she wouldn’t shrink away from him. 

“What the fuck was that for?”

His lips curled up in a snarl and she could feel goosebumps spreading across her skin, despite the heat of the late afternoon. 

“You think you can mess up my boy and get away with it?”

“Your boy deserved worse, asshole,” she insisted through clenched teeth. “You gonna hit a girl, Rafe? Because if not I’ve got shit to do,” she asked. And part of her would welcome it - some sort of sick self-destruction that JJ would probably be impressed with - but she knew even though he was a raging chauvinist, Rafe wasn’t going to take the bait. 

“Whoa, there. My boy and I are just visiting our fair Island’s fundraiser for the poor as shit,” he answered, and Kiara’s jaw clenched painfully. “Like your little vagrant friends. You should be thanking me.”

“Get the fuck out of my face, Rafe,” she fired back, refusing to let him see how his words affected her. They weren’t her friends anymore, but she’d proven that she wasn’t above defending them anyway.

“Better watch your back, Carrera,” he warned, finally backing away. The second his eyes left her she deflated, her breath suddenly hard to catch. “There are many ways of getting back at someone, keep that in mind,” Rafe threw over his shoulder before he and Kelce left her be. 

Once they were out of eyeshot, Kie covered her face in her hands and tried to calm her breathing, feeling way more rattled by the encounter than she was able to handle, emotion starting to get the best of her as her eyes filled with moisture.

Fuck she felt so alone. 

Once she was reasonably sure she wasn’t going to descend into a panic attack, she took a deep breath and took her hands down, taking one half step towards the dirty silverware when she caught a pair of blue eyes looking at her curiously a few cars down. 

She stopped in her tracks and just stared, biting her lip to keep from betraying the mask that they’d wordlessly agreed to. 

The features on his face were impassive, except his eyes, shining with a weird mixture of concern and fury and for a moment, it was the old JJ was back, the one ready to jump into a fight to defend her without second thought, the fist at his side proof enough of that, the way he was precariously balancing on the balls of his feet like he was getting ready to rush over. 

She had no idea how long he’d been standing there, but clearly it was long enough to have seen something . Including her mini-breakdown. 

“You good?” he asked carefully, each letter dripping with forced calm. 

“Yeah,” she tried shrugging, but it felt off. “Just clumsy,” she mumbled, gesturing to the silverware and not even sure if he could even hear her, but by the way his head tilted slightly, like he was getting ready to call her on the fact that the white plastic in the dirt wasn’t a result of tripping over her own two feet told her that he had. But he remained silent, and instead nodded once. “More shit to throw in the landfill, I guess.”

She’d spent enough of these carnivals trying to convince her father not to use plastic, to instead use the bamboo utensils that were still disposable, but at least wouldn’t kill their Earth, but he’d refused to back down, insisting that one time a year wouldn’t be that big of a deal. And here she was, having to toss plastic that hadn’t even been used into the garbage because Rafe Cameron was a jackass. The thought of having to go purchase even more made her skin crawl. Maybe she could wash it all and they’d still be able to use it.

By the time she looked back up, he was gone, and part of her wondered if she was so desperate for him to be there that she’d imagined him.

So pathetic.

—

He didn’t care. No matter what JJ’s instincts were screaming at him, it wasn’t his problem, she wasn’t his friend, she didn’t care, so he didn't care. 

But it scared him, more than he would’ve thought, to see Rafe get in her face like that. And JJ couldn’t tell what it was about, their conversation too brief and too quiet to be heard from where he was before Rafe was stalking off and Kiara was left in the dirt, her body shaking so violently that even from some distance away he could tell she’d been more than a little unnerved.

But what scared him the most was how badly every resentful feeling, every indignant and carefully curated facade fell out the window the second it looked like she was in danger. 

The two of them were clearly at some sort of odds, and JJ wasn’t sure how exactly he was going to be able to let that go. Because however hurt and pissed off JJ was at her, Rafe was a whole other ballgame and there was no well in hell he was going to let him do anything to her. 

But the curiosity over what the hell she was thinking, provoking him with whatever Rafe was pissed about, was overwhelming. 

She clearly didn’t want to talk to him about it though, and despite Pope’s words from earlier, he no longer held the sway in her life to get her to open up to him if she didn't want to. She was a concrete wall, blocking him out, and he was fresh out of the tools he’d need to crack it open. 

So, he’d left her there and walked away, needing to put enough distance between them that he wouldn’t do something stupid like blurt out how badly he missed her and have it end up in the dirt like the forks and spoons.

He adjusted the strap of his backpack and forced himself not to look back as he sought out John B and Pope at the dunk tank. 

“What the hell is this?” he asked amusedly as he stopped next to John B.

“What’s it look like? Our little Pope found himself his first job!” John B exclaimed, with almost as much excitement as when he’d found the stash of Halloween candy he’d been hiding from JJ in a super safe place but then had lost track of it. 

Pope was currently sitting up on the podium, glaring daggers at the both of them, goggles perched precariously on top of his head.

“Hey Pope! Thought you were supposed to wear those over your eyes dude!” JJ called out, taking a handful of popcorn out of John B’s bag. 

“The both of you shut the fuck up. An email went out like an hour ago for this. It’s for extra credit in gym class okay? It’s the only class I’m not acing,” Pope insisted, crossing his arms petulantly. 

“Who needs a 4.0 anyway?” JJ countered. “Being less than perfect gives you character. A little edge!” 

“Someone needs to balance out the recklessness! And now that it’s just - ” Pope stopped himself flat, frowning. JJ ignored the sting in his chest at the near mention. “In any case, if I want to go to Yale one day, I need a 4.0 GPA.”

JJ snorted and promptly ignored the reference to the future. He hated thinking about what would happen to the Pogues after high school. He had no doubt that they’d all still be friends, but what that would look like scared him more than he was willing to admit.

Pope? He was going to go to some fancy-schmancy college, study dead bodies or politics or whatever, then spend his life in the basement of a sheriff’s office, in one of those cold-ass rooms with no windows and little tiny doors that held person after person after person who met their end in less than traditional ways. It creeped JJ the fuck out, but it was what Pope loved, so he had no doubt that his friend would figure out a way to make it happen. 

Even John B, who was a salt-lifer in a different way than JJ was. He was born for the ocean, but to make a difference in it, not just to ride the wave wherever it led him. He’d end up getting married to someone just as quirky as he was, who found his endless optimism and wild theories endearing, open his own business, maybe a surf shop or school or some shit where he could breathe in the salty North Carolina air for the rest of his life, pass it on to his kids when he was too old to get up on a surfboard anymore. 

But JJ was the kind of salt-lifer, born and bred in the Banks, that usually ended up in a garage or on a boat working for the rest of his life, wasting away his time with booze and weed until the end. No college - his grades weren’t anywhere near good enough even if he wanted to go, and no family or fancy business to put his name on. 

The Pogues would always be the Pogues, but it would look different than it did now. And a quick glance at the girl he was trying really fucking hard not to notice over in the small camp kitchen of the Wreck’s booth washing plastic silverware by hand reminded JJ that they were already one down. It hurt him to even consider losing another Pogue as a possibility.

“Well what do we have here?” a smarmy voice that JJ really wished he didn’t know the sound of as well as he did said from behind him. “A nerd from the Cut just asking to be dunked under. Fuck you gotta love the symbolism doncha?” Rafe asked, elbowing Kelce like it was the funniest thing he’d ever come up with.

“Get the fuck out of here, Rafe,” JJ practically snarled, the flame of protectiveness that flared in the parking lot stoking back to life. He tried to tamp it down - the last thing he needed was to get into a fight in the middle of a fucking carnival. 

“Aww, come on now, Maybank. I’m just doing my duty and helping raise funds for those less fortunate, you should be thanking me for keeping you fed,” Rafe tried to reason innocently. Unfortunately, Rafe had never been innocent a day in his life.

It was why when his soft, never worked a day in his life Kooky hand reached out to knock JJ’s hat off his head, JJ gripped his wrist and twisted. 

“I said, get the fuck out of here.” 

He could feel John B at his flank, his eyes on Kelce as the four of them sized each other up, weighing the merits of getting into it. 

Rafe shoved at JJ’s chest with his free hand and took a step back, wrenching his wrist back from JJ. “I was just trying to help, but if you want I can take my money elsewhere?” he asked, smoothing back his slicked hair with a dangerous look in his eye. 

Rafe’s gaze flickered to the Wreck’s booth and JJ followed his line of sight straight to Kiara who was watching the whole exchange with a look on her face that JJ couldn't quite identify. They locked eyes for the briefest of seconds, before she turned back to the sink, avoiding him once again. 

But Rafe’s eyes were still locked on her, and it made JJ squirm in a way that usually ended up with someone’s eye turning a dark shade of purple. “Maybe, you know, in the name of charity, I’ll make an offer she wouldn’t dare refuse,” he said.

Oh, someone was definitely going to end up with a black eye. And he’d bet his half-working dirt bike that someone was about to be Rafe.

“Ignore the asshole and let’s just get on with it,” Pope called over to them, adjusting the goggles down over his face. 

“Nah, not real interested in you anymore, Heyward. I’ve got my eye on something else now,” he said lecherously. “Hey, tell Kiara if she really wants to help raise some funds for you poor as dirt Pogues, she knows where she can find me, yeah?”

JJ lurched forward on instinct, his hand already balled in a fist and cocking back, ready to let it fly when he knew it would land on its target, but a firm hand curled around his wrist, stopping him. 

“He’s not worth it, JJ,” John B scoffed, his tone containing the same amount of rage as his, with just a tad more control. 

JJ was about to argue with John B, make the case that yes, the Kooky bastard was indeed worth whatever consequence rained down on him if it meant sticking up for Pope, for… everyone else, when another voice joined in, breaking through the throng and placing her hands on Rafe’s chest, a tornado of blonde and fury, pushing with an inordinate amount of strength for her small frame. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing, Rafe? Fuck can’t you just give it a break for one damn night?” the tornado snapped. JJ had never really paid her much attention, but he’d have to be living under a literal rock not to know that this was Sarah Cameron, Rafe’s very own sister. 

“This doesn’t concern you, Sarah. I was tryin’ to be fucking generous and this Pogue was about to try to take a swing at me,” he protested, waving his arms wildly. 

“What it looked like you were doing was trying to get yourself in another fight! Rose would lose her shit if she had to come pick you up at the police station for beating up someone else!” Sarah insisted, her finger making a permanent indent in her brother’s chest.

Rafe pushed her off. “Please. Like Rose would ever be sober enough to actually find her way to the police station.”

“And Dad? What do you think he’d do?” Sarah threatened, something sinister under her words that JJ didn’t want to look at too closely.

JJ and John B exchanged a look, both trying to figure out if they wanted to dip and let the Cameron siblings battle it out on their own or stand their ground. But they couldn’t just leave Pope, so it looked like going down with the ship it was.

“Please, like you wouldn’t have deserved it,” she countered, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. 

JJ raised his eyebrows and pointed to her, giving JB a told you so look. 

John B rolled his eyes. “Hey, uh, Princess? Mind if you step a little to the right? Your brother was insulting my boy Pope and uh, we need to have a few words. Finish this little family feud at home, would you?”

Sarah turned her head to John B, who all of a sudden looked ready to cower behind JJ at the glare the 5’ 6” blood shot his way. “Excuse me? Who the fuck you calling Princess, John B? And I was trying to help!”

Rafe and Kelce had faded to the background, sniggering at the commotion they’d caused.

“Well, we don’t need your kind of help, so if you don’t mind - ” JJ started, but was abruptly cut off.  

“‘My kind of help’?” Sarah asked, her face twisted up like she’d just eaten something bad. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you and your spoiled rich kid problems don’t have anything to do with this. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you have the luxury of sticking your nose in everything!” JJ snapped at her.

“Hey, watch your mouth, Pogue!” Rafe spat. 

Sarah opened her mouth to speak, but before she could get a word out, another interloper decided to join their conversation unbidden.

“Is she bothering you? Don’t listen to a word she says,” Kiara appeared, her hand on her cocked-out hip, staring down Sarah, who’s gaze had switched from John B at JJ’s right to Kiara on JJ’s left. “She’s nothing but a lying snake.”

Sarah threw up her hands. “This is the stupidest - I’ve never told a lie in my life.”

Rafe and Kiara snorted at that. 

“Oh yeah? Then what would you call it?” Kiara spat. “A fucking misunderstanding ?” she mocked.

Something silent exchanged between the two of them, the tension pulled so taut that JJ was a little afraid what would happen if someone snapped it. 

“For the last damn time. It. Wasn’t. Me.”

Kiara huffed. “Bullshit. You came over here because you knew it would piss me off. JJ is only here because I asked him to be.”

JJ huffed and shook his head. “Oh please, I don’t come when called, Kiara.”

“And people say I stick my nose where it doesn’t belong,” she scoffed, shooting daggers at JJ. “I don’t get why you have to be such a bitch, Kiara.”

JJ acted without thinking, years of muscle memory all slamming to the forefront of his instincts, but it was too late to stop anything, his hackles already raised from the parking lot earlier. He stepped forward and slightly in front of Kiara.

“Get the fuck away from her.”

Kiara put her hand on his shoulder and spun him around to face her. It felt like her hand had permanently branded his skin where she touched. 

“I don’t need you to fight my battles for me, JJ.”

It felt like a slap across the face and unfortunately his fight or flight meter always seemed permanently stuck on fight. 

“And I don’t need you to fight mine! We’ve been doing just fine without you the last six months, why do you think we would want your back-up now?”

Kiara took a step back like he’d electrocuted her, hurt flitting across her features, even though she’d literally just said the same exact thing to him. It made his heart twist painfully. However angry he was with her, he never thought he’d ever be the one to put that look on her face and he hated himself for doing it now. 

“I don’t know why I even bothered,” she scoffed before storming back to the Wreck tent where her parents had been calling for her. He watched her go, as much as he tried not to. Everything she said lately was confusing, one thing after another referencing something he didn’t know about, some part of her that she wouldn’t talk about, and it sort of infuriated him. Something had clearly happened between the two girls, since last he’d heard through the rumor mill, they were practically inseparable. 

“She really can’t pick a side, can she?” Rafe sneered. “Too bad. Could use a little spitfire like her by my side.” JJ turned on him.

“You think I’m afraid of you, dude?” he shot back. “Because I’m happy to get my knuckles a little bloody on your overused nose if it will shut you the hell up,” JJ threatened.

“Yeah, Rafe, you got a little - ” John B said, thumbing at his own nose to indicate the leftover white powder visible on Rafe’s face. “ - something something right there.”

Rafe glanced at Sarah, who sent a warning glare at him. JJ didn't really know what to make of the situation, of Sarah intervening seemingly on his and John B’s behalf, but he hated it. He hated that this princess of privilege thought it her duty to protect the poor kids from the wrong side of the tracks. 

“This whole Pogues vs. Kooks thing isn’t going to end well - it’s fucking stupid,” Sarah scoffed.

“Says the Kook,” John B huffed. “Easy for you to say.”

Sarah just flipped him off and grabbed the sleeve of her brother’s baby fucking blue polo and started dragging him away. 

“Really nice seeing you again, JJ!” Rafe called, stumbling and laughing as he and Kelce followed Sarah away.

“What the hell was that all about?” John B asked, his face screwed up in confusion. 

“Who the fuck knows?” JJ muttered. “C’mon, I think they’ve got Ricky running first aid at this thing, maybe I can talk him into getting us a couple of beers before I have to go finish this stupid project.”

The line to the dunk tank was getting long, Pope cringing anxiously every time someone threw a ball that got within six inches of the target, so JJ just saluted him and took off for the first aid booth, making a mental note to get an extra beer for him later for enduring that stupid dunk tank.

After the disastrous collision with Kiara, after digging his heels into a grudge he kept insisting he was indifferent to and having to confront the shit he said to her, finishing this project with her sounded like its own form of hell. 

For as much as he’d been trying to convince himself he didn’t care about her anymore, as if their history meant nothing and their friendship was obliterated beyond repair, it still twisted him up more than he would have liked when he’d hurt her and yeah, maybe he didn’t not care as much as he’d thought. And it scared him to no end to think about opening himself up to that kind of vulnerability again. 

Because while she’d hurt all of them by leaving, there was a piece of him, a part of his heart that she’d been in command of, that he stubbornly refused to ever admit to, ever let see the light of day, that he thought had been dead the moment she stopped responding to any of their messages in favor or painting nails or having sleepovers with Sarah fucking Cameron. 

JJ’s blood ran cold with the realization that that piece of him might not have been as dead and buried as he would’ve thought. That the last six months felt like he’d been drifting and her tornado-ing her way into the classroom a couple weeks ago made him feel the most grounded he’d felt this entire school year, even if it felt a little like being swept up in the funnel with her.

He really fucking hoped Ricky was going to be able to hook him up. 

—

It wasn’t as if Kiara thought that they missed her. 

She knew that she’d damaged her relationship with the Pogues probably beyond repair - that things were never going to just be the same now that they were in the same school. She didn’t deserve for it to be. She never bothered reaching out to them when she’d been expelled because what the fuck would she even say?

She worked out a dozen different scenarios in between leaving St. Alice’s and restarting back at Kildare High. The naive side of her was convinced that it was too late in the year to go back and maybe she’d get the whole summer to figure it out. 

She had a thousand things to say to them, and none of them sounded quite right.

And then her parents were shoving her back in, citing something like you don’t get to start your summer early just because you voluntarily destroyed your future , and before she knew it, she was science partners with the Pogue that she was probably the most nervous about confronting. 

Nervous for reasons that she wasn’t entirely comfortable admitting to. Not because she knew that JJ letting someone in was about as common as pigs flying, that it was always hard-fought and easily lost, that he kept all his cards close to his chest for fear of yet another thing in his life being taken from him.

She built them up just to tear it all down.

She deserved every fucking awful thing he could shoot her way. 

But the thing was, she could see the regret pouring out of him the second he said it. Because JJ was a lot of things, but intentionally cruel was not one of them. A bomb ready, set to explode and take whoever was in the line of fire down with him, but she’d never been the one in the path of destruction. Until now. 

“Kiara, sweetheart, hand me those tongs, these ones aren’t working the way I’d like them to.”

“Tongs are tongs, Dad,” she mumbled, stumbling her way out of her preoccupation long enough to try to find him the ones he was asking for. Her fingers were still prunny from washing five dozen forks and spoons earlier, her mind stuck elsewhere while she should’ve been trying to make an effort. It was her family’s business after all, and she was planning on spending an inordinate amount of time at the Wreck that summer. Both as penance and as something to do that wasn’t sitting around dwelling on all of her mistakes. 

Of course, she couldn't really find it in her to admit that what she’d done to get kicked out was a mistake. 

Because as much as she didn’t have hope that they’d let her back in, old habits die hard and once a Pogue always a Pogue and even if they didn’t consider her one anymore, it was who she would always be deep down. So when someone came at them, she didn’t hesitate in striking back. 

But because she wasn’t a Thornton or a Cameron, because she was a Carrera and they were barely on the edge of Kook status, she’d gotten expelled and they hadn’t gotten so much as a slap on the wrist. 

“These kids are hungry!” Mike laughed, knocking his elbow into his wife’s.

“Of course they are, they’re teenagers. You remember what you were like at that age.”

Her parents smiled fondly at each other. They weren’t really on speaking terms and she hated the way they tried to control her life, who she was friends with, the way she viewed her future, but it warmed her heart a little anyway. 

The next couple of hours were spent assisting her parents in feeding the hungry throngs of teens and their families, the Wreck’s tent easily the busiest, as usual. About a quarter to eight, after a good two hours of taking orders and having to cater to the Kookiest of Kooks, most of whom she had the displeasure of spending the last six months with, her father finally turned to her.

“You know, you’re scaring away customers with scowls like that, Kiara.”

Kie rolled her eyes at him. “I’m not scaring anyone away, Dad. We’re doing better than we did last year.” When he only gave her a sterner look at her argument, she plastered on her best fake smile and turned towards the next person in line. “Can I help you?” writing down the order on the notepad just like her dad taught her practically since she could write, trying to keep the aforementioned scowl off her face when the customer changed her mind at the last minute. 

Her dad nodded, seemingly satisfied with the shift in her customer service skills and turned back to the grill. Kiara let the smile drop from her face almost immediately, resisting the urge to reach up and smooth out the unfamiliar lines on her cheeks.

“That’ll be $23.95,” she told the customer - Caroline, she remembered from St. Alice’s.

The girl frowned. “Um, actually, I think you’re a bit over. Adding mushrooms is only supposed to be an extra dollar, not a dollar fifty.”

Kiara raised an eyebrow at her, the audacity of correcting her over fifty cents when Caroline could probably buy out the entire booth and feed everyone at the carnival for free rubbing her entirely the wrong way “Call it a bitch tax. Not like you can’t afford it,” she murmured low, but Caroline’s mouth dropped open anyway and she swore she could feel her dad’s admonishing glare, so she sighed and amended. “Never mind. $23. 45 , then. Whatever.”

Caroline scoffed and threw her money down the table, a twenty and a five. “Keep the change. For charity.”

Kiara’s jaw clenched, and she had to use every ounce of willpower to keep from launching herself over the table and engaging in a catfight that was sure to get her kicked out of the entire carnival, which, she guessed would just be another notch on her belt. Maybe she should make a game out of it that summer, to see how many things she could get expelled from.

Her heart twisted, knowing exactly who would be right there with her egging her on if the circumstances were different. 

Her father’s hand touched her elbow lightly. “Go take a break, Kiara. It’s starting to slow down, your mom and I can handle it for a while.”

Kie bit the inside of her cheek. Time to bite the bullet. “Yeah, I guess. I still have to get that project done.”

He narrowed his eyes a bit and glanced at her mom quickly, who was embroiled in a conversation with Caroline’s mother before turning back to her. “Yes, the assignment. Of course, I have no idea how long it will take for you to get that done, so really, I have no idea what it is you’ll be doing for the next hour.”

Kiara half-sprung to attention at that. He was really letting up on her shift to let her have a chance to do something that wasn’t work? 

Wow, she must’ve really looked like a headcase all night if that was truly the case. Not that she had anyone to hang out with, but a few moments to herself before having to go find JJ didn’t sound like the worst thing in the world. 

“Thanks, Dad,” she said under her breath, making sure to grab her backpack from under the table in case she did run into JJ, and to keep up appearances to her mother, who shot her a wary look as she took off, her father explaining about the assignment as she walked briskly away. 

She had no idea where she was headed, but all she could think about was how alone she felt despite the giant crowd of people. Bells ringing on the prize booths, kids winning goldfish and stuffed animals, people stuffing their faces with cotton candy and popcorn. Arm wrestling, dunk booths (where a new person now sat where Pope had earlier), and the various pop-up rides that accompanied a traveling carnival like this. 

The sunlight had finally started to fade, cloaking the carnival in twilight as it dipped below the distant horizon. The giant Ferris wheel sat in all its glory right at the center of the fairgrounds, the colorful bulbs lighting up the evening. 

She stopped, staring up at it in wonder, always too scared to try it out, even with the offer from her father and friends over the years. It was too intimidating, too high and she’d always refused to even try. She could be gutsy, try new and daring and risky things, but this - this was one thing she never felt brave enough for. 

But fuck, if it wasn’t beautiful. She watched couples and parents and children laugh and gleefully hop on and she closed her eyes, wishing that just once she could be as brave and fearless as they were. To see the ocean and the Banks from that height? It sounded like a dream. 

But she was alone - would be alone for the foreseeable future - and the idea of going on alone scared the shit out of her. 

Kie sighed and tore her eyes away, wiping a hand across her face to wipe the wetness that had coated her cheeks without permission. She hadn’t even realized she’d started crying. But when she turned to go, go anywhere but here, she smacked right into somebody’s chest. 

But not just anybody, the somebody that she wished more than ever would grin and tease her lightheartedly about her fears, make her laugh until she forgot she was afraid of heights, and dare and goad her until she was more concerned with backing down from a stupid argument with him rather than some silly fear of heights. Hold her hand the whole time so she’d have something to hold onto as she conquered her fear, and she’d rest in knowing that he’d protect her as they rode up, up, up to the top of the world. 

How far away from that they’d fallen, and now they were worlds apart.

“S - sorry, I didn’t see you, I’ll just - ” she muttered, hating how small she sounded. She was not this girl, had never been this girl, but she was just so fucking tired of putting on a front and it’d been a long, doozy of a day and she just couldn’t do it anymore. So what if he saw how fragile she’d become in his absence? He’d seen her at every other part of her life, why not this one too?

Her reasons for keeping her distance from the Pogues started cracking one by one into pieces at her feet and she almost instinctively tried to gather them up to put them back together, to keep from the ache from rooting itself deeper in her heart. 

But she left them where they laid in the dirt and looked up at JJ, into the deep blues she’d once found so grounding, so comforting, trying to find the boy she’d left behind, if he was still in there.

“Usually I’m the clumsy one of the group,” he finally said, and there was hesitancy in it, like the words had come out without his permission. 

“Yeah, well, a lot has changed,” she huffed, and subsequently cringed, realizing how it would sound to him. It was meant to be an insult to herself and not a reminder of how much time had passed since they’d said anything remotely friendly, but she was always shit at keeping her mouth shut. 

Or perhaps more accurately, keeping her mouth shut was what got her into this predicament in the first place. 

His gaze hardened. “Still can’t get your ass on that thing though, can you?” and she heard what he wasn’t saying - coward .

Again, accurate.

“Did you come find me to get the assignment done?” she tried deflecting. “Because I’m sure we can find a bench or something around - ”

“What makes you think I was looking for you?”

His breath smelled like cheap beer; his cheeks tinged slightly pinkish with the flush of alcohol in his smallish teenage body. Though, from having run into him a moment ago, she could tell just how much he’d grown. He was taller, broader, stronger. He’d moved past the gangly pre-teen version of himself and started filling out.

“You’ve been drinking?” she asked.

JJ snorted. “So what if was? I don’t answer to you.”

Her eyes narrowed and she tried to hold back any remaining moisture. “When did you become such an asshole?”

A crack. 

It was brief and his carefully arranged mask was back so quickly she was almost convinced she was imagining it, but she saw it. 

“Maybe this is just who I’ve always been.”

She shook her head and took a deep breath. “No. I - I may not know you as well now, but I did know you. And the JJ I knew wouldn’t even think about saying these kinds of things to me. In fact, he’d fight anyone who did.”

A sharp intake of breath told her that she was right on the money.

“But you don’t know me anymore. You left me.” His eyes darted from side to side, widening, like he’d slipped again. “You left all of us,” he tried to cover, but she could feel the hurt, see the shadows of regret and something like longing cast over his face.

“That wasn’t my choice, JJ!” she spat back at him, because his expression hurt too much, evoked an ache she didn’t even realize was possible and her body couldn’t do anything but fight against it. “My parents - ”

“Yeah, yeah, they are the ones who sent you to a different school, who forced you even though you didn’t want to go, I got it , I’ve seen this movie.”

“Fuck you! You don’t know what it was like!” she told him, hot, angry tears rolling down her cheeks as she practically slammed her backpack down on the ground. “You don’t know how miserable I was every single day.”

“No, of course I don’t - because you cut us off!” he shouted back at her. “You cut us out and stopped trying.”

“I did what I had to do to survive!”

That took him back, a flicker of worry crossing his face as he took her words in, evaluating what they might mean. 

She shook her head and turned from him, back to the Ferris wheel with its lights twinkling and its people laughing as she felt her heart crack open and lay in the dirt, exposed and ready to be trampled across. 

“Why did you stop trying? Why did you just ignore us like we weren’t good enough anymore?” he asked, voice still full of a smoldering fire, but the kind that was on its last legs, the coals trying in vain to be stoked back to life. “Like we were just a stopover on your way to Kookville?”

He didn’t get it, didn’t understand, thought the absolute worst of her and she couldn’t even blame him. Because she thought the worst too. Every word he said was completely true and she couldn’t even find the fucking words to explain it in a way that wouldn’t make anything better. But she couldn’t fight with him anymore.

“Look, you hate me, I get it,” her voice broke. “But please don’t, I just can’t - ” she started, not even sure what it was she was trying to say, but all of a sudden, she felt caged, crowded. “I can’t breathe - I need to - ” she spouted frantically, her feet carrying her towards somewhere, anywhere he couldn't follow.

“What the hell? Kiara you can’t just run away!” he called after her and she could feel him following her, only to have it make her need to get away all the more intense.

Her head was down, focused on her sandaled feet, not realizing where they were taking her until she was falling heavily into one of the carriages, the bar coming down in front of her and it was his voice again that finally made her look up.

“Stop! Wait!” he called again, his voice more frantic and worried than pissed now, and she was finally able to process where she was, fear kicking in. 

“JJ? Jayj! I can’t - ” she called out, her eyes locked on his still on the ground as the carriage took off, her feet leaving the ground as she became airborne. Shit .

There wasn’t even a second of indecision on his face as he darted forward, ushering the people in the next carriage out so he could sit, throwing the bar down before the attendant could with an amount of gusto that she was mildly surprised didn’t break it. 

Kie spun around to keep her eyes on him, her stomach churning violently as the carriage swung with the motion and seriously who the fuck enjoyed this?!

“I can’t do this, fuck, I need to get off, maybe I can jump, it doesn’t look that far,” she gulped, already deciding against it before he could even respond. But the alternative was to ride the thing all the way around and she wasn’t sure she could do it. Especially alone. 

But she wasn’t alone, was she? As much distance was between them, as furious and cutting as their argument had been, he had still hopped on behind her, hadn’t he?

“Don’t be stupid,” he snapped, with less bite than she would’ve expected. “I’m right behind you, you’re going to be fine. Close your eyes and breathe, the whole thing takes less than like five minutes.”

“Five minutes, okay,” she repeated, facing forward again, her eyes squeezing shut. Her hands were gripping the bar so tightly that she felt like they might just meld to the old metal. She squeaked as the ride started again, feeling her stomach jump up in her throat and her heart pound in her ears and the wind whipping through her hair as the carriage ascended into the air. 

After a couple of minutes the wheel stopped again, a strange silence surrounding her. The carriage swung wildly and she muttered obscenities through gritted teeth, trying to keep her voice low because she knew there were probably little kids and parents that wouldn’t be too keen for those particular words to reach little ears. 

When a couple more minutes passed and the carriage hadn’t started moving again, she started to consider cracking an eye open to see what the hell was happening, when she heard JJ hiss from somewhere below her. 

“Kie, just stay there, hang on,” she heard him call out and somewhere in the fog that was her current state of mind, his use of her nickname reached out to her, like how his nickname had come tumbling out when she realized her predicament.

“Where the fuck would I go, JJ?!”

“Get the fuck out of here, Rafe!”

RAFE?!

She did open her eyes then, the breath leaving her body with the decision. She was at the very top, hundreds, thousands of miles stretching in front of her. 

But she couldn’t even focus on it with the sneering and sickening laughter from below. 

Rafe, Kelce, and Topper were at the very bottom, the attendant from before nowhere to be found, the entire Ferris wheel turned off and plunged into darkness.

“Well look what we have here,” Rafe smirked, looking up at her with contempt. “How’s it going up there Carrera? Enjoying the view?”

“Start the damn ride again, Rafe!” JJ called down, but Kiara was very focused now on the way her lungs felt shriveled in her chest to pay much attention.

This was retribution. She’d hit them - no matter the justification -  and now they were hitting her back in the worst possible way, eliciting a fear that might actually kill her. She saw them blow her a kiss and walk away, leaving a whole Ferris wheel of people suspended in mid-air and who the fuck does that? Assholes.

“JJ, I can’t breathe,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut again, and she wasn’t even sure if he could hear her, if he even cared, but in her most vulnerable she had no other cards left to play other than to reach for him.

She should’ve known. Because she knew him. She should’ve known he’d reach back.

“Hang on, I’m coming.”

“Wait, what?” she asked, panicked, her eyes flying open and searching for him. 

And the idiotic risk-taking asshole was climbing out of his carriage and swinging himself like a monkey a hundred feet in the air as he made his way up to her. 

A whole new fear gripped her chest. “No, seriously, Jayj, get back in there. If it starts up - ”

“Gotta have more faith in me than that, Kie,” he grunted as he pulled himself up the rungs, his arms flexing with the motion and his jaw clenched in concentration, a well-placed foot here, a hand there, and he was almost to her, almost -

It was only for a split second, but his left foot slipped from the metal bar it was on and she about pitched herself over the side, ready to throw herself at him if it meant she could help keep him from falling to the ground, but he caught himself at the last second and she couldn’t keep the sob that erupted from her throat inside. 

He swung himself in the carriage, causing it to sway back and forth violently and she launched herself at him, not caring that they were in a fight, that they’d both said some awful things, that they weren’t even friends anymore, she was just relieved that he was okay that she had to have him in her arms, even for just a second.

Then reality set back in and she scooted to the side to give him space, and he shook his head like he was also suddenly aware of the lack of space between them. She resumed her iron grip on the metal bar, her eyes focused on her lap.

“Didn’t realize I needed to wear my climbing shoes today.”

She chuckled dryly. “You don’t have climbing shoes.”

She could feel him reach up to comb a hand through his hair. “‘Course I don’t have climbing shoes. Fucking stupid.”

“I fucking hate Rafe Cameron.”

He chuckled sardonically. “Yeah, join the club.” He looked down. “Thank fuck, Pope and John B are headed over. Yo!” he called down to them, rocking the carriage a bit more. “Get us moving!”

Kiara took a deep breath, feeling it rattle in her chest as she tried to let it out, trying to force her lungs to work. 

“You good, Kie?”

Kie. Damn it felt so much better than it should to hear that. She shook her head. 

“Is breathing supposed to be hard this high up?” she mumbled. Some part of her reminded her that a hundred feet wasn’t actually that high up and people climbed mountains higher than this.

“Okay, Kie, look at me. C’mon,” he beckoned, and she felt a finger on her chin gently pulling her gaze towards him. The carriage lurched, the mechanics protesting with a loud groan as the death contraption tried to start back up, and she almost screeched.

“JJ, I can’t do this,” she shook her head, her eyes focused on him, but her body had started to tremble. 

He reached out and pried her hands from the metal bars, enclosing them in his. She gripped tightly, a little nervous that she’d end up breaking one of his fingers with how tightly she was squeezing but doing it anyway. 

“Pope, it’s on, why isn’t it spinning?” she heard John B from below.

“Fuck,” she hissed. 

“No, ignore them. Focus on me, okay?”

“Why are you doing this?” she blurted out because she had no brain capacity to filter her thoughts at the moment and he’d saved her, gone after her, climbed up to her, almost slipped and fell for her and she thought he didn’t care, but there was something dangerously close to hope starting to bloom in her chest in reaction to those things.

He looked startled for only a moment. “Because I’m not an asshole.”

She let out a shaky breath. “No, you’re not.” 

“Or maybe I am, because that shit I said - ”

“ - was spot on,” she acknowledged sadly. “I did leave you. It just hurt too much, JJ.”

“What did?” he asked. The wheel lurched again and there was more swearing from below and her heart jumped up in her throat again. “Hey, focus on me. What did?” he asked again.

“The push and pull, the back and forth. I was living two separate lives and it was so exhausting that I couldn't do it anymore,” she finally admitted. “I was being forced into a life I didn’t want, but short of running away - which, believe me, was indeed an option I thought about probably too often,” she huffed, and he chuckled a little bit. “I couldn’t do it anymore. I was facing four long years of St. Alice’s and they were going to eat me alive, or I wasn’t going to make it if I didn’t force myself to change.”

“So, you forced yourself to become a Kook so you could survive,” he surmised. She still wasn’t sure why he was suddenly being so open with her, talking to her without his previous disdain and maybe it was only born of circumstance, of keeping her distracted so she didn’t have a heart attack, but she thought maybe, just maybe, he was as tired of fighting as she was.

“But it didn’t work, because even though I was smiling again, hanging out with the popular kids - fucking Sarah Cameron of all people - I felt so alone. None of them knew the real me and it was miserable,” she told him, tears streaming down her cheeks and falling on the bench between them. She wanted to look away, didn’t want to see how her excuses and explanations weren’t good enough, but he had her pinned to his gaze and she couldn’t look away if she tried. 

“And then I heard a rumor going around, about… you,” she said, and he waited patiently, the reason she’d gotten kicked out she knew he had to be curious about finally spilling from her lips. “Topper and Rafe were saying that the reason why you fucked around so much, the reason you hit on anything with a skirt, was because there was no one who actually wanted you around long enough to come back and it was why I left in the first place. Because you fucked me over and drove me away.” Her voice was small, every word coming out like a knife to her heart and her body shaking with rage all over again, just like the first time the rumor had reached her.

JJ hummed, but there was no surprise in his gaze, only resignation. She hated it. But she was in it, all the way, and all she could do was be honest with him, and whether he still wanted to drop her after all was said and done would be his call. But at least there would be no more secrets between them.

“So, I hunted down Topper after school, his arm slung around Sarah’s shoulders and she looked at me, and I knew,” she scowled. “I knew she’d said something. She’d always had this edge to her, like a keep your friends close but your enemies closer sort of vibe? And as arrogant as it sounded, I think she wanted to knock me down a few pegs. And she knew where to hit to make it count. She went after the people that she knew would always matter to me more than she would.”

“That explains why you almost pounded her into dust earlier,” he grinned, something like pride creeping up his face. 

She snorted. “I punched Topper in the nose so hard it gave him two black eyes and he had to wear a splint for a week and a half. And then I flushed Rafe’s stash of coke down the toilet in the headmaster’s office, making sure it would back up, and sharpied ‘RAFE’S STASH’ with an arrow pointing down into the bowl on the back of the seat.”

“No shit.”

She laughed. “I may have also spray-painted COBRA across Sarah’s lockers. Then I got kicked out for my trouble and you can guess the rest,” she finished. Finally, it was out in the open and he could do with it what he wanted. But even if they never found a way past all this shit, he would always know that she was never going to hesitate to back him or any of the Pogues up. 

“So why didn’t you reach out when you were expelled and knew you were coming back?” he asked, sounding a bit like he was afraid of the answer. 

“I didn’t - don’t - deserve your forgiveness, JJ. Any of the Pogues’s. No matter my fucked-up reasoning, there was nothing to say that would make it better,” she tried to explain.

“‘I’m sorry’ would’ve been a good start.”

She suddenly shook her head, even while hope bloomed in her chest. “Don’t. Please don’t say that and give me - I won’t make it, if I think there’s a chance and then there isn’t.” The carriage finally started moving, slowly, a snail’s pace compared to their ascent, but they were finally in motion, so she’d take it, even if it made her grip him that much tighter. 

He sighed, some deep-seated sound that she could practically feel mirrored in her own chest. “I don’t know how to do this, how to just forget this last year. But when I saw you panic, when I saw you throw yourself on this fucking carriage, it’s all I thought about. It all seemed so damn stupid because I don’t think you ever stopped being a part of me - a part of the Pogues, no matter how much I tried to shake you.”

She let out a choked sound, supposing there was really only one thing left to say. “I’m so sorry, so fucking sorry, I hate that I can’t turn back time and make different choices, but JJ,” she clutched at him, dipping her head down so their foreheads were now only a breath away. “I missed you so damn much. All of you,” she croaked out. “Every day.”

“Missed you too,” he said quietly, and the tears were flowing freely now. She could vaguely feel them descending, the ground getting closer and closer, and she suddenly didn’t want the ride to end, wanted to stay in this little moment with him, commit it to her memory where it could never be taken from her. 

Because he missed her too.

Then John B was getting closer, a worried, tight expression on his face until he saw how entwined they were, and confusion took over. He opened his mouth to say something, and Kie could feel her heartbeat picking up again, because she’d just gotten through one apology and now she was going to have to repeat it all and she wasn’t sure she had it in her after what she’d just gone through. 

“One more time around, JB,” JJ requested, disentangling a hand from hers to spin a finger in the air. 

“Wait, JJ, again? I can’t go up there again.”

“Sure you can. If you’re badass enough to do all that shit that got you kicked out of school, then a Ferris wheel has nothing on you.”

His belief in her was palpable but it was thoroughly undeserved. Then he flashed a grin at her that was so inexplicably her JJ that her entire body seemed to take a breath. 

There he is.

“Let it go, Kie, let it all go,” he told her, and she wasn’t sure where he found the strength to tell her that, to breathe with her, to let her back in, even if it wasn’t all the way, but she marveled at the boy next to her. He’d been through the ringer in his life, experienced more heartbreak and pain, some at her hand, than anybody she’d ever known, but here he was.

Laughing with her. Daring her. Goading her into conquering her fears, holding her hand to give herself something to anchor herself to as they climbed higher, up, up, up to the top of the world. 

Time fell away and somehow, they’d shifted so his arm was wrapped around her shoulder, her head tucked next to his neck. 

As they ascended, her eyes slid shut on instinct, her body tensing again as they reached the top. 

“Open your eyes, Kie, you don’t want to miss this.”

“I can’t.”

“Open your damn eyes, Carerra.”

She twisted her head to glare at him. “You’re so fucking bossy.”

But it’d worked, he’d gotten her to open her eyes and used his pointer finger to indicate something in the distance. 

“Look.”

Her breath hitched as her gaze took in the horizon, the sky dark, the stars too numerous to count, shining with the moon at their center, lighting up the ocean. It was more peaceful than she could’ve imagined. And infinitely more beautiful. 

She could feel it all rolling off her shoulders - eight months of tension and fear and walking around in a fog, the push and pull of two worlds and being forced to survive, instead of just live.

“Hell of a view,” she breathed.

—

“It sure is,” JJ murmured, agreeing without turning his eyes away from the view he loved the most - the wonderment shining on bronzed, tear-stained cheeks, wisps of dark curls blowing in the wind. His Kie. 

Hope took root in his chest, cracking open the door he thought had been nailed shut. There was a long way to go, but for the first time in six months, he finally felt like it might actually be okay. They’d figure it out. They always did.