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Ellie was young when she realized it.
It started in the orphanage. The older girls were assigned nursery duty, looking after the babies while the boys had yard time.
She remembers being in third grade when she was put on nursery duty for the first time, looking down at the fragile, parentless babies who she felt were living her life from scratch. She was terrified; she didn’t know anything about babies. She didn’t like babies. She felt angry that the boys were outside doing drills and she was stuck in this cramped, water stained room cradling crying infants.
Ellie was once one of these babies, looking up wide-eyed and clueless at the third grade girl holding her.
She was young when she realized it.
They split the boys and girls up. They were all given military training, but the girls were also taught patchwork clothing, basic cooking, industrial disinfecting procedures, and of course as always, nursery duty. They worked shifts in the shop sewing uniforms and pajamas. Ellie always left her shift with bloody fingertips, she wasn’t as good at it as the rest of the girls.
The prospect of finding a husband and getting pregnant was one the girls were advised by older women to aspire to, it got you out of military duty. If you married into FEDRA, your husband’s pension could take care of you for the rest of your life.
Ellie realized it when she was young.
The older girls warned the younger ones not to be alone in the dorm blocks after dark. Not to look at the male COs for too long, not to make eye contact or smile at them. Not to tempt their natural male instincts.
She realized it young, that boys and girls are just different.
When she stopped a group of boys in the yard from tormenting a frog with the sharp end of a stick, she was pushed to the concrete.
“Stay out of it girl!” One of the boys had shouted at her. “Why don’t you go sew us some new uniforms!”
She realized it young, when she began to observe that she did not look at boys the way the other girls seemed to. She didn’t find them attractive, nor did she like any of them very much. She didn’t want to be a FEDRA wife or give birth to the next generation of loyal QZ soldiers.
All she wanted to do was go to space. Far, far away from all of this.
There are no boys or girls on the moon. It’s all just floating rocks and space slug aliens (she hopes). She could finally fit somewhere- be in a place where she doesn’t stand out like a sore thumb.
The books in the library don’t make her optimistic that too many women went to space even in the Before times, but she knows it’s not for lack of trying.
It’s funny how something like a fungus apocalypse isn’t enough to change human nature.
She realized it when David held her by the throat and unzipped his pants. Women and men don’t face the world the same way.
Jackson is different. Maria basically runs the town. Women patrol, hunt, run shops and make laws. From what she can tell, it’s better than what they had Before.
But it must be inherent, these thoughts.
There are men like Seth, who she’s overhead making snide comments about the women in town. His buddies laugh and nod in agreement.
There are the guys Ellie patrols with, who think because she’s rough around the edges that she’s “ one of them ”. They say things about women, they comment on their bodies and their behavior as if they are performing figures instead of humans trying to survive a broken world.
They seem surprised when Ellie doesn’t laugh alongside them, then they get defensive and angry, as if her lack of participation or admonishment violates some inherent right they have to treat women like objects.
There’s Tommy, who holds the door for Maria and Ellie with a gentle, “ladies first!” There’s Tommy, who sits in quiet support when Maria leads a town hall meeting, glaring down anyone that dares to disrespect her.
Maria is in charge, but Tommy is the one who garners respect from the men who wilt under his warnings. Without him there supporting her, it would be much harder to govern the people she’s trying to keep safe.
Maria could do it- Ellie thinks she could do anything- but the men don’t want to listen until another man forces them to.
There’s Joel, who calls her “kiddo” and lets her lead on hunts, who brings her wildflowers from patrol with the caveat of, “I know this ain’t your thing, but I wanted you to have ‘em.” As if he needs to explain himself for wanting to do something nice for her.
As if Ellie can exist in only one way. As if she can like hunting or flowers, but not both.
But he just loves her. He wants to make her happy, even if she’s a little different than his first daughter who got giddy at butterflies and rainbows. She can’t fault him for that.
And Joel, who takes it upon himself to keep the house clean, do the dishes, and maintain the laundry.
And Ellie, who finds herself grateful for that, relieved the duties FEDRA insisted she’d be responsible for someday aren’t hers yet, as if Joel deserves credit for acting like the parent, when she is the child.
She is grateful nonetheless, when she hears her other friends who are teenage girls, some of whom have lost their mothers, griping that their dads expect them to learn to cook and clean to take up the womanly role in the household.
Ellie realized a long time ago that being born a woman is a punishable act. That the only way to ensure your penance is to adhere to each unreasonable standard men set for you, and do it without complaint or misstep.
She refuses to do that- obviously. Fuck anyone who tries to tell Ellie Williams what to do.
But of course, this attitude comes with its own set of problems.
She’s on group patrol today with three of her least favorite Jackson residents, a couple guys about her age who spend too much time at the tavern and not enough doing work shifts.
One of the guys, Cody, is notorious for sneaking off on patrol to get stoned, which Ellie can get behind, as long as there aren’t any infected to kill.
The other, Daniel, has a history of bothering girls at town dances when they’re trying to be left alone. Ellie had seen Dina’s older sister pull him off of her once at the spring jamboree, when he’d had too much gin and wouldn’t leave her be. It was a whole big scene that Dina was embarrassed about afterward, even though she’d done nothing wrong.
If Daniel was embarrassed, it didn’t show by the way he confidently made himself known at the next town event.
And last but certainly not least, Ellie’s most despised patrol partner, Paul.
Paul is a douchebag, to put it simply. He’s cocky, arrogant, judgemental, and downright obnoxious. Ellie hates patrolling with him, and usually trades with someone if she finds out ahead of time.
Today, she’s shit out of luck.
Joel had seemed displeased this morning when she told him her rotation assignment before they parted ways.
“I don’t trust those boys,” he’d said with unease. “Just… be safe, please.”
Ellie had nodded in complete agreement. “I don’t either, they’re idiots. I will be.”
To his credit, Joel normally doesn’t try to forbid her from patrolling. He says he trusts her and she can handle herself. Not that he’d have much say since she’s seventeen and allowed to now anyway.
But it’s nice that he feels so confident in her. She knows it goes against the fatherly instinct Tommy is always referencing when Joel somehow manages to grab her just in time before she takes a fall or cuts a few fingers off with her own knife.
He isn’t there today to do any catching, which isn’t a concern. Ellie is more than capable of handling a few idiots with guns.
“Hey Ellie!” Cody greets her as she mounts up on Shimmer and shoulders her rifle.
Ellie nods politely at him.
“Looks like it’s just us guys today,” Daniel says in a teasing voice.
It’s not worth a reaction. She’s gotten better at picking her battles.
“Let’s get going,” Paul says as the gates swing open, “I gotta be back by dinner. I’m meeting up with Vanessa.”
“No shit?” Cody asks as they begin their gallop through the gates into the adjacent Jackson forestry. “I don’t buy it for a second you ugly motherfucker.”
“Seconded,” Daniel agrees.
Paul laughs. It’s a snorty, cocky sort of sound. “Tell it to my dick, fellas. It’s the only thing getting any action here.”
Ellie grits her teeth. At least this is a shorter route.
“Ellie, we need the female perspective on this horseshit.” Cody looks back at her, amused. “Is there any world where Vanessa would actually fuck him?”
“Makes no sense to me,” she mutters, her voice lacking the lighthearted teasing tone they’ve all adopted.
“C’mon, is Ellie really the proper voice for women who like men?” Paul snarks.
Nope. I barely tolerate men, she thinks wryly.
“Fair enough.” Daniel looks at her. “But I’m pretty sure her eyes still work. Vanessa’s hot as fuck.”
They’re looking at her expectantly, like she’s supposed to respond to that.
Ellie isn’t exactly out , but she’s not exactly in either. She just doesn’t tell people who she’s attracted to because it’s none of their fucking business. Joel had caught her and Cat kissing on the porch once, but he just teased her about forgetting he was home when she brought her dates by.
It was harmless. It was a relief , actually.
Doesn’t mean she’s about to share that side of her with any of these jackasses.
“I think you all better keep your eyes out for infected,” she replies without humor.
The guys laugh dismissively, but turn around to focus on the patrol.
The next few hours pass with an unmerciful cocktail of obnoxious conversation that Ellie refrains from with a bite of her tongue. She doesn’t feel like spending all morning arguing.
They don’t encounter any infected, so they decide to break for lunch before circling back toward Jackson.
Ellie sits against a tree and cracks into the peanut brittle Tommy made for her this week, opting for that instead of her sandwich. Joel always packs her a lunch big enough to feed everyone on patrol. She figures it’s equal parts extra rations in case she gets stranded, and also worry that she never eats enough as it is.
The guys yammer on while they eat, Ellie ignores them in favor of watching a pair of birds fight over some insect remains. She tosses them a few pieces of crust as a consolation for their efforts.
“You should eat that sandwich,” Cody tells her as he approaches to sit down. Ellie eyes him warily, but Paul and Daniel don’t follow, too busy throwing rocks into the creek and trying to hit fish with them.
“It’s all yours,” Ellie says as she holds it up in offering.
He shakes his head. “I’m good. I really meant it. You’re so little.”
Her teeth grit together.
“Sorry,” his voice is surprisingly remorseful, “I just meant- well, out here, you want your strength. But I shouldn’t have commented. Sorry.”
With a sigh and a heave of her shoulders, Ellie replies, “it’s fine.”
He turns his head toward the mountains, and Ellie takes a moment to study him. He’s tall, with broad shoulders and thick arms. She’s never actually encountered any danger on patrol with him, but he’s not someone she’d want as an enemy, based purely on size.
She knows she could outsmart him in a second.
“I’m sorry about all that,” he waves vaguely in Paul and Daniel’s direction. “I know we can get a little locker room talk-y out here. We should be more respectful.”
Ellie’s eyebrows furrow. “What’s locker room talk?”
“Oh.” He chuckles. “My dad said that’s what it’s called. You know, when guys get together and shoot the shit. I think we forget sometimes that you’re a lady and we probably shouldn’t be talking like that in front of you.”
“Gee thanks.”
“Well, I didn’t mean- it’s not like that ! I just meant, you’re so laid back you know and-“
“And other girls aren’t?”
Cody’s face flushes red. “I sense I’ve made a mistake. Walking it back. Hi I’m Cody, I’m a major idiot, nice to meet you.” He holds a hand out like he wants her to shake it.
Ellie begrudgingly rolls her eyes. “You’re off the hook. You should talk less, though.”
Cody laughs, nodding in earnest. “You’re probably right about that. My foot and mouth are well acquainted.”
Ellie smiles. “You sure you don’t want my sandwich then? Must be tired of eating foot all the time.”
“Well if you’re not gonna eat it…” he grins back at her.
She chucks the sandwich at him, and he catches it just before it can hit the grass, digging in hungrily.
“Man, your dad pack you this?” He asks through a mouthful of chicken salad.
“Yeah, he always packs my lunch,” she admits, “he’s lame.”
Cody snorts. “Dude I wish my old man was like that.”
“What do you mean?”
He shrugs, eyeing the sandwich. “Nothing just.. I dunno. I see Joel. He seems like a good guy. Seems like a good parent. Or… is that what he is? Is he your dad?”
“Adoptive,” she replies, “but yeah. He’s the only dad I’ve ever known.”
She’s gotten used to people asking about their relationship. Adoptive father rolls off the tongue better than murdering smuggler who got saddled with me and decided to love me and keep me around for years and years.
So she rolls with it.
“Cool,” Cody nods thoughtfully. “Yeah. I dunno. He seems good. Seems like you guys have a good thing.”
Ellie watches him as he nervously picks at the sandwich. “And you and your dad… don’t?” She guesses, even though she knows she shouldn’t even be asking this. Who cares about Cody?
“He’s uh…” Cody shrugs. “He’s alright. He loves me, you know. He’s just got this idea of me. Wants me to be this big tough guy, lead patrols, get married and help keep the new world populated.” He scoffs. “He says back in the Before times that wasn’t even asking a lot so I shouldn’t treat it like it’s some big expectation.”
She watches him, choosing her next words carefully. “Well… no one likes having their fate decided for them.”
A hospital full of dead Fireflies can attest to how well Ellie knows that feeling.
Cody nods again. “Yeah. Right.” He glances up and their eyes meet fleetingly. It’s only for a quick beat, but Ellie thinks she can see a flash of vulnerability in his eyes, something honest and real. She feels like she sees him, hesitant and unsure of himself, a vastly different man than the one who was talking so crudely about Vanessa earlier.
She wonders briefly, if maybe she’s judged him and the others a bit too hard.
Then, Paul shouts a warning from the creek, and the sound of a shot fires off.
Ellie and Cody clamor to their feet, lunches forgotten. Another shot echoes through the trees and Daniel hits the ground with a noise of pain.
Raiders.
Ellie unholsters her gun, zeroing in on the man slowly emerging from the trees with his rifle cocked. She clicks off the safety and aims between his eyes. She has a clear shot, and he hasn’t seen her yet. Her finger itches on the trigger, and she moves to align herself just right before she pulls it.
Only to feel a huge body slam into hers.
She hits the ground hard, head cracking against the dirt and shoulder smashing into a log at just the wrong angle. She feels the joints pop out of their sockets and lets out an involuntary cry of pain as stars dance across her suddenly hazy vision.
Through blurry eyes, she sees a large body climb off of her, and she’s confused as to why the raider who tackled her would just get up and leave.
A few more shots pop loudly, and then it’s quiet in the field.
“Ellie?” Cody asks. “Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
What the fuck?
“Daniel’s shot!” Paul bellows from his spot by the creek. “Just his arm, he’ll be okay! Looks like it was just that one guy! What’s up with her?”
“I got her out of the way!” Cody yells back. “But I think she hit her head on the way down.”
“Well, get her up! Let’s move!”
Got her out of the way?
“C’mon Ellie, I gotcha.” Cody reaches down and grabs her arm, pulling to get her to her feet. Apparently, he doesn’t realize her shoulder is dislocated, because the action makes her scream and he quickly drops her back down.
“Shit, your arm?” There’s an edge to his voice now, nervousness. “Damnit. I knew you were too weak to be out here. Come on.”
He’s kneeling beside her again, moving to scoop her up in his arms bridal style.
Cold. Day. In. Hell.
Ellie kicks him away, growling as she pushes herself up on her good arm. Her head spins, dizziness threatening to overtake her and she swallows back nausea.
“Ellie,” Cody says with an edge of impatience in his voice, “just let me carry you, you’re hurt.”
“Did you tackle me ?” she exclaims, still clumsily pushing her body into a sitting position.
“I got you out of harm's way,” he argues.
Ellie wants to growl. She wasn’t in harm’s way, she had a clear fucking shot!
“Let me help y-“
“Don’t fucking touch me!” she snarls. She shoves her body into motion, getting to her feet despite the fact that she suddenly feels swarmed by queasiness. Her head is spinning, her shoulder is on fire. She’s gonna fucking kill him.
“Let’s go!” Paul shoves past them toward the horses, dragging a groaning Daniel behind him.
Ellie and Cody exchange a glare, before he breaks off with a muttered remark and makes for his horse.
Ellie hoists herself up on Shimmer, clenching her jaw to keep the vomit inside her body. She breathes slowly through her nose, so dizzy it’s almost incapacitating.
Still lightyears better than riding with any of these assholes.
Cody attempts to talk to her a few times on the ride back, but she just snaps the reins to make Shimmer move faster.
Her aching head is reeling. Cody fucking tackled her because he thinks she’s so incapable that she can’t even shoot a raider from yards away.
This has never happened to her on a patrol before. She’s furious, she’s in disbelief, she’s completely and utterly ready to murder him.
By the time they make it back to the wall, Ellie is practically limp on her horse. She hears Tommy’s familiar voice before she sees him, and his face comes into view pale and concerned.
“Ellie!” He reaches over to help her off the horse, and she lets him, falling against his broad chest as her hazy vision finally fails her.
“She hit her head,” Cody says, “think her arm is hurt too.”
“He tackled me!” Ellie manages, venom soaking each word.
Tommy’s eyebrows pull together as he glances from Ellie’s face over to Cody. “Did you tackle my niece?”
“It wasn’t like that,” Cody replies, sounding nonchalant and unconcerned. “Raider showed up. I got her to the ground to keep her out of harm’s way.”
Tommy looks down at Ellie’s face, and she sees understanding in his eyes. Anger creases between his eyebrows, but his expression is an admirable mask of calm.
“ Harm’s way is a given on patrol,” Tommy says without looking up from her face, “we’ll have a talk about this after I get Ellie to the infirmary.”
“What?” Cody exclaims, as if he’d been expecting Tommy to thank him. “Are you kidding me? I was protecting her!”
“You dislocated my fucking shoulder you idiot!” Ellie whirls around to snap at him, but the sudden movement makes her knees wobbly. She’d be on the ground if it weren’t for Tommy’s secure grasp on her arms.
“That’s better than being shot! Or raped!” Cody seethes.
Ellie feels Tommy’s body tense up in response to that, but he somehow keeps his composure. “Come on Ellie. Let’s get you looked at.”
She allows him to lead her away.
“I wasn’t gonna get shot,” she insists while they walk, “I know what I’m doing!”
“I know,” Tommy assures her.
“I’ve been patrolling twice as long as Cody!”
“I know, Ellie.”
She sighs, shoulders sagging as they make their way toward the infirmary.
“Joel’s gonna kill him,” Tommy mutters.
“Don’t tell Joel!” Ellie exclaims with disbelief. “This is humiliating Tommy, you can’t tell anyone.”
He looks at her, confused. “Why is this humiliating? It ain’t your fault that moron tackled you, Ellie.”
She fumbles for a moment. She’s a little unsure on that herself, but she does feel embarrassed and vulnerable. She’d been taken down so easily, it was absolutely zero effort for Cody to get her on the ground and pinned. She’d gotten hurt just from the impact of his body against hers.
I knew you were too weak to be out here, he’d said.
“Come on.” Tommy helps her across the threshold of the infirmary, which makes her muscles tighten with displeasure. She hates the clinic, always has, but she knows she probably needs to be seen.
“I have to tell Joel,” Tommy says as the nurse pokes and prods at her head, “he’ll notice when you come home in a sling.”
“Sling?” she demands.
“Your shoulder is dislocated,” the nurse chimes in with a small smile. Ellie doesn’t recognize this one, she must be a newer trainee.
Ellie endures her miserable clinic visit with -what she thinks is- respectably minimal whining. She doubts Tommy agrees.
He insists on walking her home, likely an excuse to make sure Joel finds out about her dislocated shoulder and mild concussion instead of her plan to sneak upstairs and hide her injuries.
He knows her too well.
When Tommy opens the front door for her with his typical, “ladies first,” it makes her teeth grit. It doesn’t normally bother her. Today it does.
She’s so angry all of a sudden. At Cody, at Daniel and Paul, at Seth from the tavern, at the male FEDRA guards and David, at her dad -whoever the fuck he is- at Tommy, at Joel.
They don’t ever even realize, they don’t ever think about these things, they just go through life as people and experience all the same things she does but without the added layers of discomfort. They walk their paths confidently, they don’t fear sexual violence or overhear muttered comments about their bodies as they walk by. They never get tackled by a less experienced patrolmen because they are seen as weak.
Joel is out back in the shed when she and Tommy walk through the screen door from the kitchen. She hears the sound of a power saw and figures he’s busy working, so she tries to sneak past Tommy upstairs, but he takes her by the good arm and steers her in the direction of the shed.
“I ain’t leavin’ until I see that he knows what happened,” Tommy tells her seriously.
Ellie groans- a noise of pent up frustration and anger, marching forward until they’re at the doorway of the shed. Joel always makes her put on safety glasses before she comes in, so she hesitates at the door.
Tommy nudges past her and whistles loudly, somehow over powering the sound of the saw. Joel sits up from his workbench, shutting off the saw before he turns his head to look at them.
When his eyes zero in on the sling around Ellie’s arm, he’s out of his chair and at her side in an instant.
“What the hell happened?” he demands, hands hovering over her shoulder like he wants to touch but doesn't want to hurt her more.
“I just dislocated my shoulder,” she replies awkwardly, “hit my head. I’m fine.”
“How?” Joel’s expression is creased with worry. “Why didn’t someone come get me?”
“I’m fine,” Ellie repeats, annoyed and embarrassed. “Can we just forget about it now?”
“No, we can’t forget about it!” Joel exclaims. “What the hell happened Ellie?”
She scowls, looking at her feet. It’s too humiliating. She can’t admit it outloud.
“Cody Grant tackled her to the ground,” Tommy chimes in, voice laced with unhidden anger. “Claims he was protecting her. Ellie says that was not the case.”
“What?” Joel’s tone suddenly goes darker, something Ellie rarely hears these days. Primal and protective, an instinctive octave lower at the prospect of someone intentionally hurting her.
Normally, it makes her feel very safe and appreciative for him. Right now, the last thing she wants is another fucking man thinking she needs his help.
“You’re not going to do anything,” Ellie tells him seriously, “I just want this over.”
“He fuckin’ tackled you,” Joel seethes, and she can see his fists clenching at his sides. He glances at the house like he’s debating how quickly he can get his shotgun and make it over to Cody’s place.
“Yes and it was embarrassing enough, I do not want to add a crazy parent attacking him to the mix!” Ellie snaps. She wants to disappear into the ground. This is all so fucking humiliating.
“Ellie, this ain’t okay. He needs to learn what happens if he ever messes with my daughter again.”
“I’m not just your daughter , I’m a person! My own person! Okay? And I don’t want you to make this worse!”
“Hold on, I know that.” Joel’s voice grows a bit softer, more gentle at this. “I didn’t mean-“
“Do me a favor Joel, don’t fucking involve yourself. Please. The last thing I need is another idiot man thinking I’m too weak to fight my own battles.”
“Ellie, I wasn’t tryin-“
“Just-just fuck off, both of you!” She whirls on her heel and shoves past Tommy, face red and eyes wet. She takes the stairs two at a time, feeling like a complete moron.
She slams her door shut with as much malice as she can muster, ignoring Joel’s voice calling for her.
The knock on her door doesn’t immediately get her attention.
Joel’s already tried a few times to get her to come out, but she’s overwhelmed and embarrassed and doesn’t particularly want to look at him ever again after her little outburst.
“Go away!” she shouts for the third time.
“Well that’s rude!” comes a voice from the other side of the door, to her surprise, not Joel.
“Maria?”
“Can I come in?”
With a sigh, Ellie crosses over to open the door. Maria is dressed in her usual fashion, well-worn jeans and a button down shirt. Her hair is pulled back, and she’s got her hands on her hips expectantly.
“Sorry,” Ellie says sheepishly. “Thought you were Joel.”
“Right, and we’re very mad at Joel I hear,” Maria replies as she steps into the room and shuts the door behind her. “Apparently Tommy got some flack as well.”
Ellie rolls her eyes. “I didn't mean to-”
“It’s fine kiddo, I’m sure they’re a lot tougher than a verbal lashing from a hurt teenage girl.”
She scowls at this. The way Maria says it sounds so reductive, so dismissive. Ellie’s anger and rage is not some hormonal teenage bullshit. It’s years of experiences compounded into a single, infuriating afternoon with some jackass.
Maria perches on the edge of Ellie’s bed. “You should sit down.”
“Why are you here?” Ellie asks. She loves her aunt, but right now, she’s not exactly in the mood to entertain company.
“The issue with Cody,” Maria begins in a reluctant tone, “is complex.”
Ellie scowls, wishing she could cross her arms. “Is it? He tackled me to the ground and dislocated my shoulder. What’s so complex?”
“He says he was trying to protect you,” Maria adds.
“Bullshit!” Ellie exclaims. “I don’t need protecting! I’ve been patrolling way longer than him! I-”
“I know,” Maria cuts her off, “and I believe you, Ellie. I want him removed from patrols. But this is a council decision, it has to be a unanimous agreement.”
“The other council members actually believe him?”
“Daniel and Paul seem to agree that Cody was just looking out for your wellbeing.” Maria clears her throat. “You are significantly smaller than them, and-”
“Get the fuck out!” Ellie points to her door with anger bubbling to the surface. She can’t sit here and listen to this shit. “Just get out.”
“Hold on.” Maria doesn’t budge. “Tomorrow we’ll make a decision about whether or not to suspend Cody from patrols. I may need you to come and give a statement.”
“A statement?” Ellie demands.
“Yes, a statement. Explain to them exactly what was happening when Cody tackled you. Reference your patrol experience. It’s no secret that you are capable. It’s sort of a he said she said. We need to hear from the she in this scenario.”
“Fine. Whatever.” Ellie spits the words out, too angry and in disbelief to be polite. She holds no optimism for the outcome of this council meeting. She saw enough at the FEDRA orphanage to know that when a he says something, it’s always taken more seriously than when a she does.
“Two PM at the council building.” Maria’s reply is no less brash.
Ellie just nods.
Maria sighs, unmoving from her spot on the bed. It’s quiet for a moment while they look a bit uncomfortably at one another.
“You’re angry,” she observes.
“No fucking shit,” Ellie snaps. “Some asshole tackled me and now I have to go embarrass myself in front of a bunch of stupid council members. Now everyone knows that some idiot was able to overpower and hurt me because I’m just a girl and I’m not capable of handling myself. It’s humiliating.”
She just looks at her thoughtfully, not offering much in the way of a reply.
“Stop fucking staring at me,” Ellie growls.
“I just… I’m trying to figure out why you are embarrassed,” Maria explains, “Cody is the one who acted foolishly.”
Ellie throws her hands up with frustration. “But- but I am the one who everyone’s gonna be looking at. I’m the one in the sling! I’m the one who people are going to talk about, wonder if I’m actually tough enough to patrol. Wonder if I’m starting trouble by even wanting him taken off patrols. Think I’m ungrateful for him saving my life or whatever the fuck he’s telling people. I’m the one people are gonna scrutinize, not him.”
Maria exhales, nodding once before she replies. “I think you’re probably right.”
“Fucking lovely, thanks.”
“I won’t lie to you, Ellie.” She gets up from the bed and meets her eyes somberly. “Things like this…it’s usually the woman who deals with the scrutiny. I understand, it’s unfortunate and uncomfortable and people may react the way you think. But I can promise you I won’t let that influence the way the council sees the issue. You are a good patroller, and a damn badass. Alright? That’s what the council will hear. We won’t tolerate our patrollers hurting each other and not having full trust in their abilities. That doesn’t work for the community.”
“Whatever,” Ellie grumbles.
“Feels like I can’t win here,” Maria admits. “I’m sorry this happened, Ellie. Cody is an idiot.”
“But it’s not just Cody, it’s all of them,” Ellie whispers, “even the nice ones. Even the ones you think might have something more to them. There’s something inside of them that makes them…”
“Evil?” Maria asks, her expression somewhat teasing.
“No, not evil, not every one of them. But…but different I guess. They don’t respect us. They don’t see us as equals. Even though one of us is the damn leader.”
“Well we’re a council,” Maria says, but recants quickly at Ellie’s scathing look, “alright, I suppose I am a leader of sorts. I like to think we have better equality here than we did even Before, but there’s nothing I can do to change people’s thoughts or worldview.”
“So that’s it?” Ellie demands. “This is just how it is? How it’s always been. We can’t do anything about it? They get to disrespect us, take advantage of us and not take us seriously? And what do we get?”
“We get womanhood,” Maria says, “which is a beautiful thing.”
“ Womanhood .” Ellie scoffs, shaking her head. “It’s bullshit. It’s just an excuse for them to use our bodies to have babies and have someone to stay behind and clean the house while they go hunt and protect us. It’s just something to separate us. It’s what keeps us weak.”
“I’m really sorry you feel that way,” Maria replies. “I don’t see it like that. My mom always told me womanhood was the thread between us all, the thing that connects us when we feel most alone. We always have each other.”
“Well I didn’t have a mom, and that’s stupid.” Ellie regrets the words the moment they’re out of her mouth. She knows Maria has been grieving the loss of her parents for a while, they were beloved and died suddenly after the outbreak.
“I’m sorry,” Ellie says immediately, “I didn’t mean-”
“It’s okay,” Maria assures her with a forgiving smile. “I understand you grew up a lot differently than me. It must’ve been hard, not having a mom. No one to brush your hair, or play dolls with you. I cherished those things. Especially now that they’re gone.”
Ellie snorts. “We didn’t even have dolls in the orphanage. We took care of the actual babies.”
Her face falls a bit, eyebrows pulling together. “I see.”
“I don’t need my hair brushed anyway,” Ellie waves a hand dismissively. “I’m not that kind of girl. I don’t need all that female role model crap.”
Even as she says the words, they feel hollow and dishonest. Growing up, Ellie had always yearned for a mother, or really just a parent, someone to love her the way she feels Joel does now. He’s not exactly what she’d call motherly, but he would kill or die for her, that much she knows. She doesn’t long for the love of a parent, not like she used to. He cooks for her, laughs at her puns, always looks out for her. He takes an interest in the stuff she likes, watches movies with her, tucks her in at night with a soft pat to the hair and sometimes a kiss on the forehead. She’s cared for and happy, she truly is. That’s all because of Joel.
It’s not a mother, but like she said, she’s never needed that.
Maria smiles again, so patient and forgiving that Ellie feels guilty all over. “I can’t force you to understand, the same way I can’t force those men to change their ways. I just want you to know that… opening yourself up to this can be healing. It can help you deal with it when it starts to feel like all you have around you are men who don’t really see you.”
Hesitantly, Ellie asks, “do you ever feel that way?”
Maria laughs. “Honey, I’m an elected leader. I have a Texan husband who’s all “ ladies first” “be a gentleman” “let me carry that for you”. He means no harm, he loves me, but sometimes it’s easy to feel a little isolated by it. I run this place, and my husband still thinks he has to walk in front of me when I give speeches or run town meetings in case some guy decides to do something to me.” Her expression grows a bit more serious. “The worst part is, he’s not exactly wrong to fear that.”
Ellie swallows thickly, her throat feeling hot and raw as she recalls embers of fire flicking around her face and a grown man holding her down to assault her. She was only fourteen. A little girl.
“Yeah,” she replies gruffly.
“But we are stronger than that,” Maria tells her, voice even. “When I feel embarrassed or weak that my husband has to be my guard dog, I take a moment to remember us . I built a functioning society after a post apocalyptic fungus outbreak killed billions of people. Hell, before that I was an amazing lawyer. I’m a mom. I’m strong, and capable. That’s because of all the women who came before me.”
Ellie picks at some loose skin beside her fingernail, unsure. “I…I don't know the women who came before me. I never met any of my family. The only family I’ve ever had is… is Joel.” She glances up, quick to correct herself. “And I love him. He’s enough.”
“But he’s a middle aged man,” Maria adds with a small chuckle.
“Well… yeah.”
“And try as he might, he can’t understand what it’s like to be you, Ellie.” Maria touches her chest, then reaches out to gently grasp Ellie’s free hand. “Not like we can. The women before you don’t just have to be your relatives, it's every woman who’s walked this earth and faced the same hardships as you.”
“You make it sound like a cult, you know.”
Laughing, Maria says, “it sort of did when I said that, huh? I just mean to say that all these feelings you’re having, aren’t something new or unusual. A man did something shitty to you and you're left feeling embarrassed and uncomfortable about it. I doubt it even crossed his mind until we told him he had to give a statement to the council tomorrow. I think every woman can relate to that in some way.”
Ellie sighs, looking at her dirty sneakers scuffing up the hardwood. Joel always asks her to take her shoes off at the door, but she’d been a little sidetracked today.
“That fucking sucks,” she says after a bit of contemplative silence.
“A little,” Maria agrees. “That doesn’t mean we give up, though. Tomorrow, you go tell the council exactly what Cody did to you. We let every man in town know that our female patrollers are not their responsibility. We remind them that we are capable adults, survivors. And we make sure Cody gets the message. That’s what we do. We make change where we can, and take the little victories.”
“Alright I guess.” Ellie shrugs half-heartedly. “If that’s what we can do, we do it.”
“Attagirl.” Maria smiles at her and squeezes her hand before she lets go. “I’ll get out of your hair now. Your arm okay?”
“It hurts,” Ellie admits. “And I feel gross.”
She’s still covered in dirt and muck from her fall, and she’s pretty sure raider blood had splattered her way after Cody shot him. It’s going to be fucking annoying to wash her hair one handed.
Maria hesitates. “Do you need any help?”
Ellie’s first instinct is a firm and unwavering no. Company in the shower? Not her thing unless said company is her girlfriend Cat. Hardest pass ever.
But… her shoulder fucking hurts. And it’ll be a cold day in Hell before she asks Joel to help her in there.
“My hair?” Ellie asks nervously.
“Done.” Maria nods.
Ellie runs the shower while Maria heads downstairs to reassure Joel that she hasn’t completely lost her shit. Ellie knows she probably owes him some sort of apology. None of this is on him and he was just trying to help. She knows that. It’s not his fault things are so shitty.
Sliding the sling off makes her grit her teeth and breathe sharply through her nose, which only amplifies her aching head.
Fucking Cody.
It’s a tough sell, washing her body with one working arm and dizzying pain in her head, but she gets it done. By the time she’s ready for her hair, she’s so worn out she ends up sitting in the tub as she calls for Maria.
“Ellie?” The door opens and closes, soft footsteps nearing the shower. “You ready?”
“Mhm,” she replies, eyes closed as she rests her aching body against the porcelain wall of the shower.
The curtain pulls back slightly, letting in some chilly air that makes Ellie shudder involuntarily. She hears Maria reach for the glass bottle of homemade shampoo, and smoothly pour some into her palms.
Then, hands are in her hair.
Ellie’s made it a point since they got here to keep her hair pretty short and choppy. Maria’s given her a trim a few times after Ellie fucked up her ends pretty good trying it on her own. So there isn’t much to wash.
Still, Maria’s fingers thread gently over her scalp, careful as ever not to irritate where there’s a small bump forming on the side.
“You let me know if I hurt you,” Maria tells her.
“Okay,” Ellie whispers.
It’s quiet, except for the rhythmic beat of water against the tub. Maria works the shampoo in with thorough, but tender hands, even scrubbing behind Ellie’s ears which she never pays much attention to.
It’s surprisingly relaxing, and she lets her body go limp as Maria washes through her choppy layers with careful precision.
Once the room is aromatic with lemon suds, Maria takes a cup from beside the sink and starts slowly pouring water over Ellie’s head. Her palm smooths the hair down, cupping her head with soft touches.
She’s never had this before. Joel helped her wash bits of David’s skull out of her hair after Silver Lake, but that was rough and urgent. She was sure she would vomit eternally if it didn’t happen right then and there.
This is different. It’s slow, soothing, something about it seems so inherent and natural that Ellie sort of forgets it’s not her own hands doing it.
If she’d had this as a child, the thing she’s seen in movies where a mom gets her daughter ready for bed in fluffy pajamas and braids her hair, she wonders if she’d feel the way Maria does. Wonders if she’d feel more like a woman .
Or maybe it’s okay that she doesn’t. Maybe this whole womanhood thing isn’t about a specific requirement. Maybe it’s just about existing as she is, and that being enough.
Ellie is almost trancelike as Maria shuts the water off and wraps a towel around her body, helping her to her feet.
She’s being sat on the stool by the mirror, a little disoriented by the pain in her arm and the encroaching feeling of calmness. It’s a confusing mixture, but she can’t help that she’s strangely at ease.
Maria brings a comb through her hair, as subtle and tenderly as she’d washed it.
Ellie looks at them in the mirror, a little befuddled by the image of another woman taking care of her like this.
“You know,” she breaks the silence, “sometimes in the orphanage the girls would do each other's hair.”
“Yeah?” Maria smiles. “That sounds nice. Did you?”
“No. I only ever wanted mine out of my face. I wanted it as short as possible but they had regulations.”
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“I always… sort of felt like I was missing out,” Ellie admits. “Like I wanted to be a part of it, but didn’t know how. I wasn’t like them. I didn’t want to get married and have babies or do my hair with clips.”
“That doesn’t mean you weren’t like them,” Maria says softly. “I’m sure there was more to them than that.”
Huh. Ellie had never really thought of it that way.
“You’re probably right,” Ellie agrees. “Maybe if I’d just let them do my hair, I’d get this womanhood thing.”
Maria chuckles. “It’s not something to get Ellie. You are a part of this. We are in this together. It doesn’t matter if you feel different or like no one understands you. We look out for each other.”
Maria brushes through her hair again, and says, “this is all it is, right here. Taking care of one another. It doesn’t have to be anything more complicated.”
Ellie considers this, soothed by the gentle motions of the comb through her tangly hair.
“That’s nice,” she says, “like a club or something.”
“There you go,” Maria laughs again. “No boys allowed.”
“I like that, ” Ellie smirks.
“I had a feeling you might.”
Maria smooths down Ellie’s hair and sighs, meeting her eyes in the mirror.
“I’m sorry that I can’t fix it,” she says, “but I promise you’ll never go it alone.”
Ellie accepts her outstretched hand, squeezing.
It’s not enough really, it never will be, the knowledge that at least you aren’t alone. It’s not as good as fixing everything, but it’s something. It’s definitely better than feeling like no one has your back.
Maybe womanhood is just about doing it together.
“I’ll see you at the council meeting.” Maria tells her. “Have Joel come get me if you need anything else.”
“Thank you,” Ellie replies, hoping desperately her expression can even somewhat convey her gratitude for Maria’s help today.
She smiles again, and leaves Ellie in the privacy of the bathroom.
When she looks at herself in the mirror, even though she’s the only reflection in it, Ellie feels less alone than she has in a while.
Ellie braves a trip downstairs when she smells dinner cooking.
Joel knows her too well- the bastard. He’s making her favorite three bean chili, she can tell just from the aroma drifting up the staircase.
If he’s trying to coax her into forgiveness, he’s more than done it. She’s already contrite and prepared to apologize for her outburst.
It’s not his fault, he’s one of the few men she’s encountered who she considers to be good. Not perfect, but no person is. Still, he respects her, trusts her, always supports her, and loves her more than anyone’s ever cared to. That means everything, really.
She toes into the kitchen, wincing at the scratchy itch of the sling on her arm. Joel is standing at the stove, nursing the chili with a large black spoon, looking down at it critically.
He’s not the best cook, but he tries so hard. He’s always done his best to feed her good stuff, especially on nights when she doesn’t feel up to braving the mess hall.
“How’s the arm?” Joel asks without turning around to face her. It’s a little startling still, how he can always seem to tell when she’s around. Maybe she’s not as sneaky as she thinks.
“Hurts,” she admits quietly, “but um… I’m more ashamed than anything.”
He turns, eyebrows pulling together as he scans her worriedly. He chews on the inside of his cheek for a moment before he speaks.
“Ellie, it ain’t your fault. That kid-“
“Not about that,” she assures him. “About…yelling at you. I’m sorry. You were just looking out for me, like you always do. It’s not the same with you, as it was with Cody. I shouldn’t have…” she sighs, she’s never been good at the real talks like this. “I’m sorry.”
Joel studies her for a moment, admirably calm despite the brash way she’d spoken to him earlier. He never really gets mad at her unless she puts herself in danger, so she guesses she isn’t that surprised he’s not yelling or anything.
He’s always had a soft spot for her- she likes to exploit it endlessly. Secretly though, it’s really fucking awesome having someone care so much about her.
“I…I imagine that was real shitty,” Joel says carefully, tapping his fingers on the countertops like he does when he’s nervous. “What that moron did. I uh…I’ve never had to worry about that. Someone thinkin’ I’m incapable. And I know he only did it cause you’re a girl.”
Ellie blinks, a bit taken aback by this turn of events. She’d expected to apologize to him, receive a big squishy hug and easy forgiveness, then stuff her face with chili.
Gender Studies with Joel? Not on her bingo card for this evening.
“Uh…yeah,” Ellie responds unsurely. “It took me a little by surprise.”
“Maria says they’re gonna decide whether or not to keep him on patrols tomorrow,” Joel clears his throat. “Says you’re gonna give some kinda statement?”
“Mhm.”
He nods. “You want me to go with you?”
“Yes,” she replies immediately, not surprised by her own answer. She always feels safer with Joel nearby. And god forbid Cody get a little angry that she’s gotten him kicked off patrols…
Well, it’s like Maria said earlier. It wouldn’t exactly be unreasonable to fear that.
“Okay,” Joel runs his teeth over his lower lip, eyebrows still furrowed like he’s trying to find the right words.
“It’s okay,” Ellie lets him off the hook with a smile. “You can’t fix this for me, Joel. It’s just life as a girl. I’m not the only one.”
He looks at her, a little distraught. “I wish I could, Ellie. It ain’t fair. I-I know I ain’t perfect neither, but I hope if I’m doin’ somethin’ to make any of it worse, that you-“
Ellie cuts off his worried rambling with a touch to the arm. He looks at her face, going quiet.
“You make it better,” she promises him, “you’ve always let me be me, no exceptions. That’s the best thing you could ever do.”
He smiles, relief evident in his expression. Air comes out of his lungs in a whoosh.
“Man,” he mutters, “they say it’s harder raisin’ girls, I never thought so.”
“Oh?” Ellie hops up on the counter beside the stove, ignoring his chastising scowl.
“One thing I never have to worry about is if my kid is a good person,” he explains quietly. He stirs the chili with a focused expression.
Ellie finds herself smiling. She doesn’t know about that- she’s certainly made plenty of morally questionable decisions. But he’s right in that at least they never involved gender-based discrimination or assault.
“I do worry about you, out there,” he continues, “especially after what we went through on the road.”
They both wince, even though he doesn’t say David’s name.
“But you’re almost an adult now.” Joel lifts a spoonful of chili to her lips. “Blow.”
She blows some cool air on it and takes a bite, practically going noodle-armed with pleasure. She gives him an eager thumbs up.
“And you’re the most capable kid I’ve ever met,” he adds, beginning to fill two bowls with chili. “I know you don’t need me fighting your battles for you, so I’m sorry about that. But I hope you understand… Well, you’re the most important person in the world. If I get a little overprotective… maybe you can cut me some slack, huh? It ain’t cause you’re a little girl. It’s cause you’re my little girl.”
She can’t help but feel a surge of gratefulness, thinking about how easily she could’ve been saddled with a man like Seth or Cody’s father when she got paired up with a random smuggler those years ago. A man who belittles her, has a specific idea of her future and demands she adhere to it, doesn’t respect other women or her for that matter.
Instead she got this bizarre, kind hearted old southerner who doesn’t seem particularly feminist on the onset, but has more respect and decency in one of his fingers than most men do in their whole bodies.
She thinks about how Maria said womanhood is like a club with no boys allowed. Maybe there’s room for one boy.
“I’ve decided you can join the womanhood,” Ellie tells him as he passes her a bowl of chili and a serving of bread.
Joel pauses with a spoon halfway to his mouth, perplexed. “I beg your pardon?”
“Maria said womanhood is like this thing that connects all of us,” she explains through an inelegant mouthful of chili, “probably to make me feel better about all this crap. I said it sounds like a club. We agreed no boys allowed, but I think you can join.”
Joel snorts. “I ain’t a boy, Ellie.”
“Uhhh, is there some news you’d like to share?”
“I'm a man, ” he corrects her with a wry grin.
Ellie groans. “Nevermind. You’re out of the womanhood.”
“I’m sure you would’ve regretted that invite,” he laments, chuckling.
Ellie laughs with him and goes back to her dinner, but as she glances over at his warm, affectionate expression, she thinks he’s wrong.
She doesn’t need him, not the way she used to, but damn does she like having him around.
Every little bit helps, when it’s a problem without a solution. A connection to the women who know what you’re going through, a circle of good men you can trust, and enough assurance in yourself to know you can handle a world like this.
Ellie realizes it when she’s seventeen, that maybe this thing she’s noticed her whole life, doesn’t have to shape the way she exists. That these things which define the world, don’t need to define her.
Maybe she just needs to take a deep breath, and reassure herself that she’s not doing it alone.
And at the end of the day, a good conversation with a woman she loves, and a warm bowl of chili with her father is enough to remind her of that.