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In that moment all I could see was an old broken ceiling that spun helplessly against its own will. I greedily sucked in a large amount of air , blinking away my own salty tears.
“How do you feel?” a quiet voice asked, it sounded far away, almost as if it was coming from my own mind.
“like I’d died and came back to life.” I choked out, where was I and who was I talking to?
The person didn’t answer me but instead grabbed me by my waist and lifted me up into a sitting position so that I was facing them.
They had dark hair that looked so disheveled and crazed, they had large frantic eyes that resembled the color of leaves in the fall.
Their shirts were inside out and wrinkled and a familiar smell of fresh rainfall mixed with coffee and cigarettes flooded my senses.
“Ridge..” I croaked, my throat was sore and dry. I squinted my eyes past the oncoming tears.
Ridge smiled but it didn’t last long as he reached out to rub his cold palm against my face.
“Why’d you do it? Why’d you do it again Elly? I thought maybe we were past this.”
I couldn’t understand, what did I do? Clearly my expression showed my confusion because Ridge let out an impatient sigh, gently pulled me by my hands and off of the soft bed and into a bright light.
“Look at you Elliot, you’re completely disheveled.” His voice came out stern and yet weak at the same time.
I blinked my eyes wider past the pain of the newly light.
My arms were bandaged up, they looked freshly wrapped too. I turned my head towards my bed glancing at the old discarded bloody bandages that laid beneath a cloth that looked wet.
How could I have forgotten about it? Was my mind full of static?
I kept my eyes towards the bed, I couldn’t decide if I was too ashamed or too embarrassed to meet Ridges eyes.
He huffed, forcing my head to look in his direction and meet his gaze.
He had been picking at the skin on his lip and he looked like he’d been crying for a while and had barely gotten any sleep.
“You look like shit.” I giggled softly but immediately clammed my mouth shut as soon as I realized he didn’t find humor in this at all.
“Elly, now is not the time. Of course I look like shit! It's 3am and I’ve been sitting here taking care of you and waiting for you to wake up!”
“You didn’t have to wait for me, or do anything. I was completely fine here..” I stopped “when did you even get here?” I groaned.
I realized I should just be respectful towards him , and trust me I was trying but it’s kind of hard to not be pissy when there's a bright bathroom light attacking your newly woken eyes and a burning pain growing up your arms.
“Not take care of you? Are you insane Elliot! You were on the floor bleeding out, I thought you had fucking ended it right there!” He cried out, then continued, “I was so worried dude. I came by to see if you wanted to sneak out and go to the park because I noticed you seemed down today and I came into a completely silent house and to find you like that.”
Ridge took a deep breath in before rubbing his temples , looking at my arms. “Listen..”
his voice started to tremble as he continued to look down at my arms and speak quieter.
“I didn’t know if you were going to wake up Elly. I got here around 12am and you didn’t wake up until just a few minutes ago, I cleaned you up, fixed your bed and did everything I possibly could. I was so fucking scared all I could do was wait.”
He was crying now, letting how he felt out and all I could do was stand there and be the cause of that.
“Please Elliot I just need to know how to help you. I can’t lose you. I love you too much to lose you Elly.”
My eyes widened at the sudden vulnerability and in that moment I kind of just broke, leaning forward a little and bumping right into his chest,wrapping my arms around him in a tight hug ignoring the burning stinging coming from my arms.
“I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry I didn’t mean to scare you, I’m sorry that you..” pause “..had to see that Ridge. I don’t know what to say..”
Ridge tensed up but ended up leaning down a little to hug me back way tighter as he breathed in my disheveled hair.
He pulled away from the hug to grab my face in between his hands and stare down at me.
“Elly, things are going to be hard, so fucking hard okay? And sometimes they just don’t get better but you need to learn to accept it for what it is. But it doesn’t have to be like that forever okay? I will be with you every step of the way.”
I blinked past the tears in my eyes, I was never good at handling my own feelings or even letting myself be vulnerable.
When things were hard all I knew how to do was make them ten times harder. I needed an outlet , an excuse to feel better and I never knew how to choose the right way so I shut myself and everyone else out so I can try to handle the things that I couldn’t, convincing myself I was wrong and couldn’t ask for help.
He leaned down pressing his forehead against mine, “I love you so much Elliot”
I closed my eyes, trembling slightly and pressing my forehead a little harder into his. “I love you too Ridge.” I mumbled.
He leaned in and kissed me dropping his hands from my face to my waist instead holding me closer than before.
“I need you to let me help you, to let me in so I can understand baby.” He whispered against my lips and then pulled away all at once.
His soft eyes scanned over my body, which made me do the same to myself. I was wearing his long oasis band T-shirt and my plaid pajama shorts.
“When I got here your other stuff was stained with blood so I threw it in your washer and changed you, I hope that was okay.” He smiled gently at me, causing me to smile at him as well.
“Of course it was okay ridge, thank you.. thank you for helping me.”
Me and Ridge had been dating for over a year now and he was the only one I’d ever let see me even without a shirt on. Even when we were just friends I’d felt so comfortable with him that I felt as if I didn’t need to hide myself away.
The air in the room didn’t feel as tense as it did moments before and I was thankful for it. Ridge turned off the bathroom light and walked us back over to my bed. He told me to lay down and then walked off to pick up the wet rag and used bandages to throw out.
But even after that he didn’t come straight to bed he seemed like he was looking for something.
“Ridge? What are you looking for?” I asked curiously. I wanted nothing more for his pacing to stop and for to come lay with me so we could forget all about this.
He paused, querking his eyebrow at me before sighing and placing his hands directly on his hips.
“You know exactly what I’m looking for.”
I paused before huffing, he was looking for what I used. Every Time he’d come over he’d look and look for it but could never find it. Some parts of me wished he would find it, take it away forever. But the other half knew it would be pointless.
“You try this each time ridge, just come lay down with me okay?”
Ridge looked deafed, even though he knew he wouldn’t find them, he walked over to my bed and climbed over me. He pulled the covers down and then climbed under them next to me. He wrapped his arm underneath me and pulled me closer against his chest.
“How does your.. arms feel?” Ridge asked softly.
I shrugged “the same as always.” I felt him shake his head and tighten his arm around me.
“would you let me know the next time you feel like this Elly? I'd never do anything to make you feel like you didn’t belong. You can trust me.”
I pressed my head into his chest. “I do trust you ridge, it’s just hard. It’s a habit I can’t break out of, I’m just stuck. And I think it’s going to make everything go away and make it better but it doesn’t, everything is always the same afterwards. But I make myself believe it every single time.”
He kissed the top of my head before pulling back and kissing me on my lips. “I know my love. I’ll be here for you, no matter what.”
He reached down under the blanket and grabbed my arm softly, so gentle you could barely feel his touch. He brought one of my bandaged wrists up to his lips and kissed from start to finish.
After he was done he gently placed my arm back under the covers and pulled me closer again.
“Everything will be okay.”
I smiled, “Ridge?”
“Yeah my love?”
“Can we just stay in tomorrow? Eat and relax in bed watching shows? I don’t feel like going out and doing things. Especially not after the night we’ve had.”
Ridge laughed softly and nodded while playing with my hair, untangling it with his fingers. “Of course.. you’d be crazy to expect me to go anywhere but here.”
I laughed giving him a small peck on his neck. “Goodnight Ridge, I love you.”
“Goodnight my Elly, I love you too.”
I went to sleep that night hoping that something inside my mind would click.