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My world revolves around you. Every second of every minute of every day. You are an angel whom god sent from heaven, perfect in all your traits. To simply be in the warmth of your gaze is pure bliss beyond anything I could ever imagine.
Standing here with you in my embrace, I think, do I deserve this joy? Am I worthy to exist by your side? You radiate of undefined happiness, and I can never compare to that. I, somebody demon-like whose life is bound for misery and treachery.
You give me a smile, wrapping your arms around yourself as you escape my clutch. Despite the low temperature which covers the entirety of space around us, I am oddly numb. All I can focus on are your pale lips, your soft eyes, and your body.
I want it all for myself .
You cast a spell on me with those eyes of yours, and I am struck, coming to the realisation that this is real. That you, somebody so flawless and faultless, does not find me disgusting, that you do not view me as someone equivalent to a murderer, ready to slaughter anyone.
Because, in reality, I am the reincarnation of the devil himself, I am unworthy of your sympathy and kindness, I am somebody destined to be alone, but you have allowed me a taste of what being loved feels like, and I am afraid I can now never forget it.
Once this emotion remains etched in my memory, I long for it more and more, and feel myself being lead to you for a longer and longer period of time, and I fear that by the time I get attached, fate will pull us apart, and not only will I be alone, I will be haunted by the fact that there was a possibility, a time where I could have been cherished by someone.
You pull me along the snow-covered street, my name escaping your lips in a cheerful exclamation, and I wish I could reverse time and hear you utter my name once again for it gives me pure contentment.
My world is small, revolving around you and me and you and me and nobody else. If you were removed from it, ‘I’ would no longer exist, and this world would close upon itself, crashing until it disappears into nothingness, which is why, please never leave me .
But if you stay with me forever, are you losing the opportunity of happiness? Am I pulling you down? Do you secretly think of me as a burden and see me for exactly who I am, a scarred man, who can only seek joy through you.
I refuse to acknowledge that possibility.
As we walk along the streets, I can feel everybody’s eyes on you, and I want to crush their beady little eyeballs, for evil narcissistic creatures like them shall never be worthy of gazing upon such a majestic being like you.
I doubt that I am worthy either.
I match your footsteps, such that our walking is synchronised. You hook your arm through mine, and I suck in a breath.
Your touch tears me apart, lays me bare before you. You are my one and only weakness, the sole person who has the key to unlock the dirty and damaged box I keep my heart caged in.
Everything you do, everything you say, I engrave it in my brain. To ignore your words and actions would be equivalent to tossing god’s will aside and claiming it as nonsense.
You are a one of a kind, somebody who only appears once in more than a thousand lifetimes, and I, me, an insolent and wretched man has been blessed to exist in that timeline.
Your smile puts even the heavens at ease, lifting curses from terrifying beasts, which is why, to have that smile directed to me, gives me more satisfaction than ten people’s lifetimes could ever receive.
The trees on the sidewalk are evergreen, their flowers blossoming a lovely red colour. They are hardly visible through the countless minuscule snowflakes covering them, yet everybody can recognise their beauty.
You grip my hand even harder as we approach your house, and I never want to let go. I fear that if I do, you may simply be erased from existence, and I would realise that everything we experienced was a lie.
With you, I do not have to put up a facade of stoicism. As long as I have a chance to meet you again, I would gladly go through the ten stages of hell if that is what it takes.
In my head, countless memories swim of you and I, safely stored away from everything else. You are my most precious treasure yet my most daunting fear.
You possess a terrifying amount of power and control over me. With a flick of your fingers, you can convince me to fall to my knees, and I would endure countless hardships if you told me to.
At last, we arrive at your place of residence. The distance we have travelled to arrive feels far too short, and I wish I could extend it by an hour.
You face me, and I memorise the features of your face for the nth time, your dark hair, your hazel eyes, your thin torso.
All at once, your lips brush against mine as you reach up to me, cupping my cheek with one hand. My mind, once a sea of chaotic waves thrashing against one another calms, the tides now peaceful, washing onto the shore as if they were not crashing in all directions a few milliseconds ago.
The feeling hits me like a brick. I still, as I come to realise what has occured. Your lips are soft and pillowy, and I never want this moment to end.
I am a statue, unable to form any coherent words. And so, I say a quiet “ Kim Dokja…” and you reply with a soft chuckle, a puff of white air escaping your mouth as you thrust your glove-covered hands into the pockets of your thick jacket.
The more you look at me with those eyes, the more hesitant I find myself to leave.
What am I to do tomorrow morning when I wake up with you not by my side?
What am I to do if you stop loving me?
It pains me that there is a world where you do not love me, that we remain as strangers, that you are in somebody else’s company. But that does not matter. I am with you now, and I seem to have given you some form of exuberance, judging from that bright expression on your face.
With you, I am something. With you, I am able to look forward to something everyday when I wake up. With you, the world fades away.
With you, nothing else matters .
I wish all of you would belong to me, your breaths, the strands of hair which cover your eyes oh so slightly, your ever so pleasant voice.
All of me already belongs to you. The footprints I leave in the snow, the few words I say, my every emotion.
You look at me, wondering why I am remaining silent, but how do I describe my affection to you in mere words? I am unable to, and so I continue remaining in silence. My feelings for you, they are of greater size than the sky, than all the planets combined, than the entire universe.
And so, all I say is ‘Goodbye’, but I do not leave. Your face is indiscernible, and I think for a moment that perhaps you would like me to stay, but then you break out into a grin.
“Goodbye, Joonghyuk-ah. Let’s do this again sometime.”
And, god, yes, I do want to do this again. As the door closes, I realise that I am already missing the warmth of your touch. What a fool I am, for allowing you to escape me.
And so I decide, the next time I see you, I will ensure you never leave me, even if you wish not to stay with me. You shall be chained to my side, for a rose like yourself cannot risk wandering by yourself and being trampled on. I crave your comfort dearly, I need it to survive, and yes, I know that if I do not keep you here, you will easily detach yourself, and drift away, and leave me here, to be isolated like how I was before you entered my life.
And so I decide, I will not let even fate separate us.
I need you to fully belong to me.