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Kakashi sat bolt upright in bed. His bare chest was instantly chilled in the early morning air but he hardly noticed. He gasped for air, hardly letting it into his lungs before he expelled it and repeated the process.
He just kept seeing it: his arm all the way through Mei’s torso, her warm blood seeping into his clothes, chidori still screeching out her back. The jutsu had been slowly singeing her long auburn hair and the acrid stench filled his nose.
Kakashi shook the mental image away and looked to his left. Mei was lying beside him resting peacefully on her stomach. Her hair covered her where the blankets didn’t.
The rational half of Kakashi’s brain that was starting to wake up said, see? She’s fine. Everything is fine. However, the other half of his brain was occupied by a very vivid image of Mei’s accusing eyes staring into his. Where his arm was still stuck in her body and she was saying, how could you? I love you!
Kakashi shook a little, the sweat that had broken out all over his body was chilling him even more. He carefully got out of bed, taking deep breaths through his nose. He could just barely detect the smell of smoke and ashes leftover from their first home. Overtop of that smell, however, was the scent of new lumber and of Mei. Tenzo had rebuilt their house just a few days ago and the smell of the raw logs saturated the house.
Kakashi looked behind him to make sure he hadn’t disturbed Mei. When he was satisfied that she was still sleeping, Kakashi opened the balcony door and slipped outside. The cool night air immediately ruffled his hair, dancing through his silver locks. Any measure of sleepiness left in him was whisked away but the images from his dream lingered. He looked out at the field surrounding the house without seeing it.
His brain was in an ever-darkening, descending spiral. He could only see Mei’s face, feel her final breaths, smell the tang of her blood-
A hand rested on Kakashi’s back. He was startled and turned, eyes wide. Mei was standing there wearing her nightgown and a frown. Her vibrant hair fell in disorderly tangles down her back. Her eyes questioned him but Kakashi looked away from her, remaining silent.
Mei smiled, trying to lighten the mood. “It’s nice seeing you without your mask.”
“I feel naked without it,” Kakashi said reflexively. His eyes remained on the yard.
“Exactly,” Mei said playfully but Kakashi didn’t seem to hear her.
Ah, Mei thought, a nightmare then. She knew that if he simply couldn’t sleep he would at least joke with her.
“Was it something familiar or new?” Mei asked, serious again.
Kakashi didn’t react to the change in topic. He simply answered her question. “Both,” Kakashi muttered.
“I see,” Mei said although she didn’t see at all. She looked down and said, “but you’d better let go of the railing before you break it.”
Kakashi looked down. He was clasping onto the balcony railing with both hands. His knuckles were white and his fingernails had dug into the wood. He released them slowly much to Mei’s satisfaction.
“Now are you going to tell me about it?” Mei asked.
Kakashi sighed, shaking his head. Mei waited; Kakashi wasn’t necessarily saying no. Still not looking at her, Kakashi said, “I destroy everyone I get close to.”
“You know that isn’t true,” Mei said instantly, the topic having been discussed before. She reached over and grasped his right hand. Kakashi tried to jerk it away spasmodically. His eyes filled with an irrational panic. Her grip on the hand tightened and Kakashi relaxed, yielding.
“In my dream,” Kakashi said, the words rushing out of his mouth.
Mei cut him off, “I can guess.” She looked at the hand she’d taken possession of pointedly. “But you can tell me about that later. Right now just look at me.”
He met her eyes hesitantly but there was only love in them.
Mei spoke slowly, eyes never leaving his. “We are former kage. I can assure you that any premature death I may suffer will be because I messed up, not you.” She let that sink in, holding her husband’s gaze. “Not everything is your fault Kakashi; you don’t have to protect me.”
“I know,” Kakashi said. Then much softer, “but I want to.”
Mei closed the gap between them and embraced the man she’d married. She buried her face in his chest as his arms tightened around her. “And you will,” Mei said, “I have no doubt.”
“That makes one of us,” Kakashi spoke into Mei’s hair.
Mei pulled away and smacked him teasingly. “If you need any evidence of your success look no further than your village and your students.”
Kakashi snorted, “the students that are always trying to kill each other? Those three?”
Kakashi’s expression darkened a bit but Mei swooped in immediately, “the ones that you protected time and time again so that they could live to save the world.”
“I was there too,” Kakashi said pouting but there was a smile on his face. “But I wouldn’t have made it this far if it hadn’t been for Minato-sensei and Naruto.”
“Always the humble one,” Mei said smiling.
Kakashi corrected, “I’m negative, not humble, there’s a difference.”
“Well I’m positive,” Mei enunciated, “that you’ll be able to take care of our family.”
Kakashi’s eyebrows went up. He asked the question tentatively, “you’re pregnant?”
Mei laughed, “no! We only started trying a few days ago! How would I even know yet?”
Kakashi’s shoulders slumped a little. Mei raised an eyebrow and cocked her head at him. Then realization dawned on her and her face broke into a grin. “Hatake Kakashi are you disappointed?”
“No,” Kakashi spat out. Then he relented, “well, yes. Disappointed and relieved at the same time.” Kakashi ran a hand through his hair. “Does that even make sense?”
Mei got a mischievous look, “I’m not sure.” She grasped his hand and began pulling him back inside the house. “Maybe you’d better come explain it to me.”