Chapter Text
INT. OVAL OFFICE — LATE AFTERNOON
Joe Biden heaves a sigh, raising his arms above his head and cracking his knuckles (omg guys like knuckles from sonic!!!!!!1!). After a long day of signing executive orders and vetoing laws, Joe is always tired. Dealing with the Congres takes a lot out of a guy. But he smiles, knowing that he soon gets to go home to his beloved fiancé Barack. They’d been engaged for just three weeks, but already it feels like a lifetime. Joe can’t wait until their wedding day. He can only hope for it to be as magical as his dreams.
Suddenly, a knock on the door. KAMALA HARRIS walks in.
KAMALA
Joe? You about ready to call it a day?
JOE
Yeah. Why, did you need something?
KAMALA
No, you’re good. I just wanted to let you know that Barack called.
She smirks at him.
JOE
Is something wrong?
He’s worried now. Is Barack okay? Joe doesn’t think he could stand it if something happened to him—
KAMALA
No, nothing like that. He just wanted to know if you were almost done, and he didn’t want to bother you. He knows you’re busy.
Joe smiles. Barack is so considerate like that. And he knows Joe’s workload better than most—after all, he was President for a few years himself.
Kamala, her smirk now wider, wiggles her eyebrows at Joe.
KAMALA
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say he was excited. I might even go so far as to say he has some kind of surprise for you.
JOE
Well, I hope you’re right.
INT. JOE AND BARACK’S APT. — EVENING
Joe drops his bags onto the kitchen counter. The thud, along with the jangling of his keys, rings out into the empty room. Barack is nowhere to be seen.
JOE
Barack? Barack, honey, are you here?
No answer. Joe looks down and spots a rose petal. Then another. Then…Joe sees a trail of petals leading down the hallway.
JOE (under his breath)
What the fuck, Barack?
He follows the trail to their bedroom, and opens the door. BARACK OBAMA is laying on the bed, rose held in his mouth, grinning seductively.
BARACK
Hello, handsome.
Joe is speechless. He sheds his jacket and crosses the room to the bed, making sure to kick the door shut behind him.
FADE TO BLACK.
INT. JOE AND BARACK’S BEDROOM — EARLY MORNING
Joe stretches, yawning. He’s only been awake for a couple minutes. Barack is still asleep, iridescent green skin shining in the sunlight. Joe always wakes up earlier than his fiancé, and today is no different. Suddenly, Barack’s phone buzzes. Curious, Joe reaches over and checks the notification. He knows he shouldn’t look—it’s Barack’s phone—but Barack is sleeping and he probably wouldn’t mind anyways, right?
Joe looks at the phone and nearly drops it in shock. The text message reads “hey babe. we still on for friday?” It’s from someone labeled “🫦💋sonic💋🫦”.
Joe is stunned. Is Barack…cheating on him??? No, it couldn’t be…they love each other, or at least Joe loves Barack. But Barack proposed to Joe, so he must return his love, right??? Joe can’t be in the same room as Barack anymore. He rolls out of bed and runs out of the room, scrambling to get out of the covers and into his slippers. He gets ready quickly, grabbing his bag and keys and leaving a note on the counter: morning babe—gone to the office, be back late <3.
INT. SONIC’S HOUSE — MORNING
SONIC JR.
But Dad, why can’t I go?
SONIC
I’m telling you, I don’t trust that McQueen. He seems…suspicious.
SONIC JR.
Dad, he’s fine! And besides, he can’t see me anyways—what could he even do to me?
SONIC
…Fair. Fine, you can go. But promise me you’ll stick with Gonzo? I’ve told him to keep an eye on you.
SONIC JR.
Ugh, fine. But I have to go now, it’s starting soon and I don’t want to be late.
He grabs his bag and rushes out of the house.
SONIC (calling out after SONIC JR.)
Have fun, be safe!
The door slams shut behind Sonic Jr.
SONIC
Ah finally, peace and quiet. I love my invisible son, but it’s nice to have some alone ti—
The door bursts open again. Joe Biden marches in and points an accusing finger at Sonic.
JOE
YOU. YOU ABSOLUTE—HOW COULD YOU?!!!!
Sonic is floored.
SONIC
Joe Biden??? Mr. Presante?? Omg I love you!! I’m such a big fan!!
JOE
Shut up. You know what you did. Bitch. Fucking ass clown.
Joe takes out a gun. He cocks it and aims it at Sonic.
JOE
And that’s Mr. PRESIDENT to you.
The screen goes dark. We hear a single gunshot.
INT. LIGHTNING MCQUEEN’S BASEMENT — NIGHT
We slowly pan across the basement, showing all the guests conversing and drinking punch and dancing and just generally having a good time. Gonzo is wearing a stunning suit and cape so bright and patterned that it probably physically hurts Sonic Jr. to be in his presence. The boy in question is moping alongside his chaperone, sipping at his Sprite. Grimace is tossing back punch at breakneck speeds. Ronald McDonald looks on in horrified fascination.
Then pan up to the second floor bedroom.
INT. LIGHTNING MCQUEEN’S BEDROOM — NIGHT
Mater stares at Lightning McQueen, trying to decide if he should ask or not. There’s a big chance that McQueen will be horrified, disgusted even. But he also may say yes. Either way, Mater decides, he has to try.
MATER (nervously)
M-M-McQueen? C-C-Can I ask you s-something?
MCQUEEN
Sure, go for it.
Mater swallows.
MATER
You vore?
McQueen smirks devilishly.
MCQUEEN
Oh, boy, do I ever.