Chapter Text
“Siobhan” A whimpering voice called from the door. “Shiv,I—Shiv?”
As she opened her eyes all she could see was Black,the open door was the only source of light coming from the hallway.At the door she saw Roman's frame,she couldn't see his face,but the fact he was calling her in the middle of the night was enough for her to sit on the bed in a jump.
“Rome?are you okay?” She asked looking at the clock at her bedside table and seeing it was two AM.
She got up and started walking into his direction,as she got close enough to him,he collapsed crying in her arms. “I’m sorry” he would say between tears “I made a dumb thing I’m sorry”
“Hey man,it’s okay it’s—” She felt her troath close as she hugged him and felt the wetiness in his wrists.In na impulse she pushed him away and rushed towards the light switch to turn it on,as the lights invaded the room she couldn’t contain a scream that came out of her mouth involuntarelly.Roman was sitting on the floor in his stripped pants and band shirt,in a puddle of blood that was coming out of his wrists and covering his hands.He was trying in a stupid attempt to hide it,trying to hold his wrists but his hands would slipper. “I’m sorry,Shivy” He muttered under his breath.
In a Quick motion she grabbed her sweatshirt that was laying around on the floor and wrapped around his arms “CONNOR”She shouted in despair “CONNOR HELP” she was holding Roman só tight in her embrace at this moment as if she let go she would lose him.
Connor came running in quickly,he had his headphones on,he wasn’t asleep.It had been a couple years after he had come back from college,he came to live back home so his younger siblings wouldn’t feel so lonely with the divorce and Kendall going to College.Most of the time they were mean to him,but what to expect from a fourteen and a fifteen year old?When he heard Shiv calling his name he sprinted trough the big hallway in desperation;He expected a bunch of things could’vê happened,but he wasn’t prepared for the scene he encountered.
He was the oldest but had no leadership instict,he looked at Shiv’s frightened face without knowing what to do,expecting that she would tell him what to.But she looked at his face expecting he would know.They stared for a second at most,but it felt like an eternity,she wanted someone older,wiser,someone who would think fast and know what to do,she wanted Kendall.He wanted someone that would give him directions how to react,he also wanted Kendall.Poor Roman in all of that,didn’t wanted to scare Shiv or to give Connor any more reasons to delay his life,he too wanted Kendall.
“You need to drive us to a hospital,Con” Shiv said taking a leadership role that didn't belonged to her. “Nobody can know,we gotta go”
Connor quickly grabbed Roman and held him in his arms like a little child,like he had hold him many times before,never in a situation like this.When was the last time he had held Roman in his arms before?He couldn’t remember and that scared the life out of him,what if that was the last time he got the chance to carry his baby brother in his arms,weak and losing blood while desperately sobbing.
From then on everything was a blur untill they got to the hospital.It felt like a bad dream they couldn’t wake up from.Connor was sitting on the waiting room and Shiv was by his side,she was hugging her knees,scared.He tried to wrap his arms around her,but she flinched,she had a fixated stare on a wall and was sitting there looking at it since the moment they arrived.She would do that in stressful situations,even as a toddler she would just blankly stare when confronted.
“He will be alright,Shivy” Connor reassured,not even believing that himself,the cuts weren’t the problem,those could be stitched a million times if needed,but what caused them?that was harder to solve. “The doctor said they will stitch him up and he will be fine” he gently stroked her hair.
“We can’t tell dad” she said under her breath “He won’t understand,he is already talking about military school he is gonns kill Roman if he finds out about this”
“I don’t think dad would kill Roman for trying to kill himself “he lied.
“Don’t say that” she almost shouted “He didn’t tried to—look,all Im saying is that Dad doesn’t need to know about this,he is overseas for what?Four more days?He does not and will not hear a single thing about this,Connor”
“Shiv,Roman needs help,like...professional help...You can’t help him out of this”
She let those words sink on her.
“I can’t,but dad also can’t.He makes Roman worse,we can help him”
“No,Shiv we can’t.We can be by his side,but he...” Connor’s eyes filled up with the tears he had been holding up since the moment he saw Roman on the floor “I tried to do that with Kendall and I failed...I tried to take it on my own hands,I thought I could help but i couldn’t.I got him help too late...”
“Kendall drug shit has nothing to do with this,okay?” She replied angrily “If he wants to drink until he dies or snort until his nosestrils fall down in a party with Stewy that’s on him for all I care.Roman is different,he is not seeking to be...Like this...He simply is.Do you really want Dad to lock Roman up,like he just locked kendall in rehab in the middle of the desert?Or like he did with your mom?”
Those words hitted Connor like a heavy punch in the stomach,bjt he didn’t wanted to show It.Shiv was hurting so much At that moment,seeing her like that,with a bloodied pijama in a waiting room scared she would lose the only person she truly bonded in her whole life,hurted more than any words coming out of her mouth ever could.
Since forever Shiv and Roman were inseparable,they would fight and wrestle to the ground all day,but the nannies could only put them to sleep together or they would cry their lungs out yearning for each others embrace.Roman would play with her barbies growing up and she would play with his toy cars,they would hide kendall’s things and watch him look for them for hours before putting it back in place and pretending it was there the whole time.They had a secret language during elementary school and would spend hours talking to each other In ways no one could understand.They were the one constant in each others life,not matter if they were being dragged back and fort from england to New York in the last three years,or if Kendall went to rehab,or if his dad had broken up with Sally-Anne and was the angriest he’s ever been in ages.Shiv had Roman and Roman had Shiv and that was enough,or at least they hoped it would be.
“Shivy.It’s not your fault” He wispered looking in her eyes.That was enough to make her break down in heavy tears,she then finally allowed a hug. “It’s okay babygirl,It’s all gonna be okay” He said gently to her as she held him tighly while crying on his shoulders,he gave her a little kiss on the head.
“Dad will kill him,connor” she whispered to him.
“We won’t let him” He whispered back.
●●●
When they arrived home it was already morning.Connor gave orders to the housekeepers no one should talk about what happened or they would get fired.
Shiv took Roman to her bedroom,she helped him to lay daown on her bed and then layed by his side,stroking his hair.They have been silent since they reunited at the hospital.
“I’m sorry if I scared you” He muttered.
“Stop apologizing...It’s not your fault”
“I’m scared...Of military school”
“Maybe...Maybe is for the better,Rome” she said with the feeling of a knot tied to her tonge “Maybe you should go”
“What?”
“I mean,you and dad are having...problems non stop,you’re...you know...” did she need to say it? “wetting the bed,having nightmares,you hide when dad comes home,I mean wouldn’t it be good just...for awhile,to be a little away?”
He felt betrayed.
“I’m scared,Siobhan”
“It’s school,Rome I’ll call you every day—”
“Im scared of everything” He let silent tears wash his face.
“Are you scared of dad?”
He couldn’t dignify that question with an answer,he couldn’t.If he did he would make it truth.If he opened his mouth to say Yes the fear would become truth,he thought.Not knowing that the fear had turned into dread a long time ago.How could he fear the person he idolizes the most?When did he started to disappoint his dad?When would the Guilt of not being good enough would ever let him go?
He shaked his head in afirmation,Shiv held back tears.
“It’s for the better,Rome.”
Logan arrived hom home four days later.
A week after that Roman was sent to military school for a year.
None of the siblings ever talked about this day again.
And Logan never heard about it.