Work Text:
It just so happened that Gigi had planned to spend the night with Ricky, not that Helen was surprised. At least she wasn't leaving her to an empty house. When she returned to Gigi’s house at nearly midnight along with Jake and Duncan, Duncan immediately sank into the couch with a long drawn out sigh and murmured “M’happy,” before his eyes fluttered shut.
Helen turned to look at Jake, who had a knowing grin on his face. “He parties hard, Helen,” he said with a low chuckle.
“I know he does,” she couldn’t resist an eye roll. She knew that Duncan was and would always be a free-spirited person who could mentally detach himself from his troubles and enjoy living in the moment so so easily. She'd always acted like she disapproved of it, like it was childish, but in reality, she had always been jealous of it. She'd been jealous of his positivity and joy.
But for once, tonight, she'd been a little more like him, carefree and free-spirited.
For once, she had allowed herself to focus on the good in her life, the things that brought her joy. And it wasn’t just the alcohol flowing through her veins or her favorite songs that made her want to dance until she was physically exhausted, she was truly and fully happy. And she was proud of herself. She did a hard thing, hiking through the Appalachians. She’d finally had that heart to heart with Duncan, letting go of all those things that held her back from being real with him. And Jake.
Jake.
He’d come for her.
She didn’t know at what point that he had become more than just her little brother’s best friend to her, it just happened. It was a slow realization that he wasn’t just Duncan’s friend. He was more than that. There was kindness within him, a gentleness. She always knew on some level that he was a quality guy, but she never really knew the extent of it or thought about him that way.
And when she turned and there he was, walking towards her on the dance floor, she couldn't breathe. In that moment, she felt relief and joy like she’d never felt before. The poem, those words, though not his own, had changed something within her, they changed her perception of him. And then there was the relief that there hadn’t been someone else back home, like she’d heard from Mason.
She was that someone else back home.
She laughed then, out loud, forgetting for a moment that she was still standing in Gigi’s living room, over a sleeping Duncan curled up on the couch, because suddenly it just seemed so comical.
Jake quirked his brow. “What?” He asked her.
“Nothing. Everything. I don’t know." She shook her head, her auburn curls swishing back and forth. “I’m just happy.”
He smiled at her, his eyes lighting up. “I’m happy too,” he murmured, his eyes never leaving hers.
It should have made her uncomfortable, that he was watching her like that, but it didn’t. He wanted to be with her, and that realization was simultaneously euphoric and terrifying in a good way.
What she didn’t know was what to do now.
“You brought your stuff in,” she said, swallowing as she noticed the duffel at his feet.
He looked down at the bag and then up again at her. “Yep.”
“Uhm, well. Are you tired?” She didn’t give him a chance to answer. “I mean, since Duncan’s asleep here, there’s always his room or… mine. With me.”
She looked away, suddenly wondering if she was being too forward, too pushy. She knew she’d shared a tent with him before, the night that Hugh fell. The night where she told him he was acting like a jealous boyfriend. Things were different then. His tent had been the only option. An option that was overwhelming relief. After hiking for hours all alone, worrying about Hugh, worrying that she was going to get herself even more lost, only to be welcomed back by Jake and to have the comfort of him beside her that night? She couldn’t admit it herself then, how much he meant to her but in her heart she felt it.
“I want to stay with you,” he told her, his eyes searching hers. “If that’s okay. It’s okay if it isn’t.” he said softly.
“It’s okay,” she exhaled. She waved him along, up, up, up the stairs and he followed her silently. Every step felt heavy, because she knew that this would so very blatantly change everything.
He was hesitant when he reached the doorway to her room, his duffel slung over his shoulder as he paused at the threshold. He took in the entire room slowly before cautiously stepping inside.
“Do you know how curious I used to be about your room?” He laughed as he did a slow turn around her teenage bedroom, taking in all the old posters, the string lights, the lilac walls, her white metal bed frame, and the white teddy bear on her nightstand.
“You were?” she squeaked.
“Oh yeah,” he said, smiling. “Of course I did. I had the major hots for you, Helen Carpenter.”
Helen couldn’t hold back the giggle that escaped her. Him, standing there in her room seemed so out of place, yet right, in some sense.
“I…I had no idea.” She said softly.
“I made sure you didn’t.” Jake shrugged as he dropped his duffel on the floor beside her desk.
They were silent for a moment, and Helen became painfully aware of her dress clinging to her body and how sweaty she was from dancing her heart out.
And he was going to be sleeping here. With her.
“I… uh,” she said, “I’m going to go shower. Danced pretty hard tonight.” she laughed to herself. It was weird. She’d known Jake since she was in highschool, she drove him and Duncan to their first homecoming dance and out for pizzas during college. She’d known him for years and years, but somehow, now, opening herself up to him in this way felt daunting. In some weird sense, him seeing her room made her feel vulnerable. But she knew she shouldn’t feel vulnerable, not about this. He’d already listened to her with rapt attention when she told him all about Nathan’s death, her mother leaving, and her inability to really communicate with Duncan.
And he’d in turn told her about his eyes.
The thought came to her as she stood under the scalding hot spray of her shower, and instantly her heart sank.
He’d be blind soon, she didn’t know when.
He wouldn’t be able to see for the rest of his life.
She didn't know what that would mean for him. For them. For anything.
A tear ran down her face, followed by another and another. It broke her heart to think of it. She kept seeing him in her mind during their trip, his eyes wide and full of amazement on each hike, taking in every view, noticing every single detail.
Committing them to memory, almost.
She hadn’t known then that that was precisely what he had been doing. She hadn’t known that he was trying to save those pictures in his mind so he’d be able to remember them forever when his sight failed him.
She wanted to fix him. She wanted to make it all better. But what broke her heart was she knew that nothing she could do could prevent his sight from slowly leaving him.
She gave herself a few minutes to process after she showered. She towel dried her hair and put on pajama bottoms and tank top, and willed herself not to think about Jake’s eyes for the rest of the night, willed herself not to cry over it, over him.
And when she opened the door back into her room, there he was reclined on her bed in plaid pajama bottoms, a white shirt, and a pair of glasses perched on top of his nose. “Hi,” he said, lowering her childhood copy of A Wrinkle In Time, as he studied her. “Nice pants,” he huffed out a breath like he was trying not to laugh.
And suddenly Helen felt light and carefree again.
“Oh these old things?” Helen drawled, doing a half spin to show off her mustache printed pajama bottoms. “Duncan got these forever ago. You know, back when everyone thought mustaches were funny.”
He barked out a laugh then and swiped his hands over his face. “I totally forgot there was a funny mustache era.”
“Unfortunately.” Helen laughed. She settled next to him on the bed, watching him as he shut the book, set it down on her nightstand, and turned back to her.
“Helen-” he started, then bit his lip.
"Why whales?" She blurted out. It has been nagging her for days and quite honestly whatever conversation they were going to have needed to happen but she thought it would be better if they eased into it.
He rolled onto his side next to her, propped up on one hand. "I've always loved whales."
"And dolphins," Helen added.
"Nah, those were sea lions," he corrected. "But dolphins are pretty cool too."
The silence stretched between them for a few moments and Helen rolled onto her side and faced him. The lamp on her bedside table cast a golden glow over him, his eyes meeting hers with a new vulnerability.
"I wanted to see them again before I can't anymore," he breathed, his voice carrying new emotion. "There are a lot of things I want to do before I can't anymore."
Helen felt her eyes welling up again, and she tried to blink the tears away.
"Helen," Jake said, as he pulled a stray strand of damp hair from her face. "I want to make the most of this time. With you."
At her silence, he continued. "I'm not saying it won't be hard, to be with me as this, this thing happens to me…"
"Jake-"
"I have wanted to be with you for as long as I can remember."
She blew out a breath long and slow, placing her palm on his cheek.
"I want you to come with me," he continued. "I want you to be a part of these last few adventures that I take."
Helen stared at him long and hard. "I want that, but…" she trailed off.
"But?" He prompted.
"I don't think these are going to be your last adventures, Jake."
He opened his mouth to speak, but Helen just continued.
"Just because this terrible thing is going to be happening to you, it doesn't mean your life is over. It's just going to be different."
"You're right," he agreed.
"And I don't just want to be a part of the adventures before. I want the ones after too."
He stared at her then, his eyes glassy as a smile slowly overtook him.
"Helen," he whispered, leaning forward to kiss her forehead and when he pulled away after, Helen held him closer, nestling herself in the crook of his shoulder.
It was funny, they were kissing and dancing earlier, but somehow this felt even more intimate, her body tucked into his in her childhood bed.
"You know, I can't think of just three," she said after a few moments of silence, placing her hand on his chest.
"Three?" She could feel the rumbling of his voice reverberate through his body.
"Three things that made me happy today," she said looking up at him. "There's just too many of them."
"Let's hear em."
"Firstly, I don't think I'll ever take a hot shower for granted again."
Jake's laughter rumbled from deep within him. "I won't either."
"Seriously though," she jabbed him with her index finger, "I smelled like a decaying corpse that night we shared that tent. I can't believe you didn't say anything."
"Probably because I, too, smelled like a decaying corpse."
"Yeah, probably," she agreed with a huff of laughter. "Two, Duncan's here. We're… he's my person now. I thought about that a lot out there you know."
Jake's hand which was drawing circles on her back suddenly stopped.
"What you said about him in the tent really stuck out to me. He's been through a lot too. I thought I was carrying all this weight of just… everything. But he has too. And you helped me see that."
He kissed her forehead tenderly and ran his fingers down her back once more. "I'm glad, Helen."
"And you're here." She said softly.
"And that makes you happy?" He asked her softly, his lips grazing her forehead yet again.
"It makes me extremely happy." She told him. "Why did you… the poem-"
"It's my favorite," he said, interrupting her. "It's always reminded me of you."
"Really?" She asked, thinking to herself that this might actually be the most romantic thing that had ever happened to her, and she'd been married before for goodness sake.
"Really,"
After a stroke of silence he spoke again. "I was going to tell you sooner, you know. How I felt. I wanted to tell you right after you separated from Mike. But then my eyes…" he trailed off for a moment. "God, I didn't even know if you'd want me, and even if you did, I didn't want you to have to deal with everything I was having to go through."
"Jake-"
"Helen, our trip, being out there in the wilderness with you made me realize that I'd regret it forever if I didn't tell you. I couldn't live my life always wondering what if. And the poem was easier for me in a way, because if you rejected it, if you rejected me, then I wouldn't be there to witness it."
He threaded his fingers through her hair. "It felt right to give you those words. I've loved that poem for forever. I know it like the back of my hand."
"I didn't know that about you," Helen whispered, looking up at him. "I never knew you liked poetry."
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Helen with an H," he said, meeting her eyes and laughing under his breath.
"You memorize poetry," she said, an edge of disbelief in her voice.
"You want me to prove it to you?" He said, pulling her body tighter next to his. And before even giving her a chance to respond he began, the rhythmic cadence of his voice making her heart sing.
"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul."
Helen pulled the covers over and around them, bringing her hand to his chest, and he stopped then bring her hand to his lips and kissed it gently before placing it back on his chest.
"I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers," Jake continued. "Thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body."
Jake paused for a moment to reach towards the nightstand to switch off her bedside lamp, and then took his rightful place in her arms once more.
"I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."