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For the first time in a very, very, very long time, Crowley had no earthly, heavenly, or demonic idea of where he should go.
There was a stillness about him that he'd never really experienced before. (And wasn't that a thought? Something he had never experienced- )
He was sat in the Bentley, hands death gripping the wheel, the engine running. He'd pulled over on the side of the road somewhere on the outskirts of London to get his bearings. Figure out the next stop, the next move. But he had nowhere to go.
He didn't have his flat anymore. Even if Shax had vacated the premises, there were sure to be remnants of her time as its resident, and he wasn't quite up to the task of clearing it out and cleansing the place of demonic stink , so it wasn't really an option even if it was.
He'd given an inkling of a thought to Alpha Centauri. It was a very short inkling, given that Gabriel and Lord Beelzebub had probably actually taken his advice and taken refuge there. It was a shame, really. One of the few things he was still infinitesimally proud of from his time as a, well, no matter. The point was it was a beautiful wellspring of light and creation and possibility , and it was also likely claimed by another demon and angel pair that were decidedly not himself and Az-
He took in a shuddering breath, forgetting for a moment that he didn't need to do that. He could just be. But he couldn't just be, because his fool of a best friend had left him -
Tell me you said no.
The wheel of the car suddenly snapped beneath his hands as a scream erupted from his chest, feral and unbidden. He screamed and screamed until his eyes felt hot with the tears he couldn't cry and the windows of the car threatened to burst into a million bits. He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing - no, praying - to forget the very earnest way Aziraphale had looked at him.
You can be my second in command , he'd said. As if that was somehow the answer to every single problem Aziraphale had.
Well.
Crowley supposed it might have been the Answer for Aziraphale. But it didn't solve a thing for him. He'd never wanted anything more than what he'd already found on Earth, that is after he'd realized what he'd found.
He'd learned his lesson about looking for answers. Crowley wondered if that had put him at an advantage over Aziraphale, knowing that there wasn't always a perfect answer. There wasn't always that neat little ribbon to tie up a problem in a box, bow sitting proudly on top to contain all the mess of uncertainty and struggle inside. Sometimes it was just...ineffable.
I don't think you understand what I'm offering you.
I understand. I think I understand a whole lot better than you do.
He slumped in the driver's seat of the Bentley, hands going limp, still holding the cracked and broken pieces of the steering wheel. He wasn't sure how he'd gotten here of all places, relegated back to the enemy. The bad guy. He was so sure that Aziraphale had felt the same, that he'd understood after the failed Apocalypse bit with Adam that there was no place for them in Heaven or Hell. Crowley thought he'd understood that their best choice was to rely on each other, after that.
Well, whose side are you on?
My side.
Gosh. Well that sounds-
What?
Lonely.
He opened his eyes. There was rain now. There hadn't been rain when he'd left the shop.
It felt wrong. Didn't the planet realize he'd been abandoned? That his entire existence had been upended in the span of a few minutes?
It was one of the things that he normally loved about Earth. It kept moving forward. But this time it was moving on and he was frozen in a single moment of time.
You idiot. We could have been... us.
He brought his hands back up the wheel, mending it back together with a gentle caress. It looked as good as new, glossy and dark. But he knew where the cracks were.
Crowley didn't think he'd ever forget.
He put the car in gear and pulled back onto the road.