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“However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you.”
- “Lovesong”, The Cure
Of all the cards in the deck, Tsuchigomori drew that of the Fool.
At least, that’s what he thought.
Standing in the white blur of snow, Tsuchigomori’s mind raced faster than each snowflake, each thought lined with shame and regret. Not only did he take a risky step with nothing but “luck” by his side, but he quite literally acted like a fool and ran. A terribly, cowardly fool. Oh, and did he have to seal that dreaded letter with a heart?
The memory itself stung every time his mind recalled it. From the impulsive and rather lovesick idea, to the hours spent at his desk weaving lines upon lines of gentle prose, before carefully leaving it at her doorstep and disappearing. Beginning to end, it was all seared painfully into his mind.
He knew she wouldn’t react the way he had hoped earlier. It simply wasn’t in her nature at all. He could see her picking it up with a skeptical expression, tearing the heart off in slight disgust, her frown etched into her sweet face. Tsuchigomori? In love with me? What an absurd idea! And such a pathetic man, running from his own words! He winced at his own imagination. Painful as it was, it fit her cold personality.
In an attempt to distract himself, Tsuchigomori looked up at the dark and cloudy sky, and let the snow meet his face. His train would be there soon. The moment he boarded, he could leave his regrets at the station and start anew with the internship. No more thinking of impossible romance, no more ruined relationships, no more of her. It’s for the best , he told himself again and again.
It wasn’t working.
It wasn’t true.
He gripped his suitcase tighter through the dark gloves over his hands. Took a deep breath through the white scarf delicately wrapped around his neck (Christmas gift, from her of course).
(Brand-new, still carried the scent of hibiscus and rose)
To hell with it all!
Over an intercom, the monotone chimes rang out with a woman’s voice announcing the train’s arrival. This was it.
…
Upon reading the letter, Yako knew what she had to do.
She had carefully removed the heart-shaped seal (it was charming), unfolded the paper, and read its contents. Her cheeks flushed when she read her own name in his pretty handwriting, her smile grew with every endearing word. It was the kind of letter that would make any woman’s heart race, yet it was for her.
In her quiet apartment, with no one around, Yako read the words over and over – caught them floating off the page and set them straight just to read it all again. He really did love her, and she loved him, and it was true. She could breathe easy knowing there would be no heartbreak.
Until she couldn’t.
The very last paragraph caught her breath, choked her with a torrent of painful words.
In the event this love is unrequited, you will be relieved to know I am taking a train further north tonight, to study abroad.
She continued to stare at the paper, her smile fading.
This isn’t right. No, no, you’re deeply misunderstood. Don’t leave.
Yako couldn’t let him leave so soon. It was a truth so strong she felt it whispered beneath her skin, echoed in her bones, resonated in her mind. She had to find him. She was willing to comb the entire train station in search of him.
But would she make it in time?
The thought lingered as she grabbed her coat and stepped outside. She asked herself, over and over, as she set the letter on the passenger seat of her icy car. She feared and trembled as she started the engine, and held onto the steering wheel for dear life. And finally, she did her best to shake off her nerves as she frantically hit the gas pedal.
Turn after turn, Yako could feel her own stomach doing flips. She simply had to make it in time to stop him, no doubt about it. The universe couldn’t be that cruel, right?
Of all the times she wished she had a miracle, it would be then. I won’t ask for another ever again, she pleaded, just give me a chance to talk to him. Give me enough time to stop him from acting foolish.
When Yako reached the train station, she could already see the glaring lights of the train approaching in the distance. Her heart in her throat, she cursed under her breath and freed herself from her car (letter in hand) to run across the parking lot. The snow pouring down flew at her as she ran, sprinkled on her curled blonde hair. She wiped off the melting flakes from her rosy cheeks and kept going.
As everyone realized the train had arrived, there was a small crowd trying to pack itself through the doors, making it difficult to recognize anyone. Yako pressed on, making it to the crowd and impatiently pushing past folks with large jackets and suitcases - just like his. How on earth was she supposed to find-
Only one of them had a white scarf.
…
“Tsuchigomori!”
A voice from behind Tsuchigomori rang out sharp and clear. His heart skipped a beat upon hearing it, for it was all too familiar. But surely she wouldn’t put in all the effort to chase him down – he was sure of it. Thinking realistically, she would have thrown away the letter long ago and gone to bed. It must be another woman in the crowd, shouting someone else’s name.
“Tsuchigomori! Would you answer me, damn it?”
He was wrong.
Tsuchigomori could feel the dread sink in as he turned around, now knowing the face he was about to meet.
For there Yako stood, cheeks flushed and hair slightly ruffled from the wind and snow. She was just a few feet away, a gloved hand holding a white rectangle and another buried in her jacket pocket. Deviating from her usual appearance, it seemed as though she didn’t have time to wear makeup. But she looked just as captivating as the day they met. Tsuchigomori could feel his heart stop a second time.
One thing was different than he had expected though: her face carried a grim look, but never once did it show anger.
“You’re here,” He breathed, hardly containing his surprise, “Why?”
“I’ll get to that.” Yako responded curtly but quietly. Her hand seemed to close tighter around the letter, and that’s when he noticed the seal was gone. His fears were slowly being confirmed. “Listen, I read your letter. I know why you chose to leave at this time, and it isn’t because a new opportunity appeared out of thin air. You’re afraid of something you don’t know.”
Tsuchigomori looked away, his brow furrowed. She saw right through him and he couldn’t bear to admit it. “And what if I’m not? What if I told you I already know how this will play out?”
She folded her arms, not breaking eye contact despite him looking away. Her composure was almost a dead giveaway that she must be upset. She was always like that, really, but usually it could be changed by a playful exchange or some light mockery. Not this time. “I know you, Ryuujirou , and I know what you do when you are afraid. But go on, tell me what you think is going to happen. Predict the future, if you’re so sure.”
The use of his first name was another surprise to him, and Tsuchigomori could almost see it all going downhill in these next moments. He took a deep breath and spoke again. “You speak as though my prediction will be ‘so far-fetched’, but it isn’t. I know you drove here in your car all this way to shove my own writing in my face and laugh, because it must be simply impossible that what I gave you is true. And I know that, when you do realize it’s true, you’ll be angry with me for thinking we could ever love each other. Because those quiet moments we spent together must’ve meant nothing, and you were meant to meet someone else.” He was facing her now, the vapor of his breath escaping through his scarf and into the bleak air. “Happy?”
His words left her stunned. He watched as Yako stood there and processed it all, her lips slightly parted, her eyes finally looking down – and at the letter. He watched as she didn’t budge, didn’t flinch as snow landed on her cheeks. Seeing her reflect for so long made him want to apologize and take it all back, but he couldn’t. It was already set in stone.
They stood there in silence for a few moments, with only the howling wind giving any sound. Until she looked up again.
“...Idiot.”
“ Pardon ?” Tsuchigomori was taken aback.
“I said, you’re an idiot .” Yako took a step forward. “I knew you’d delude yourself with an excuse for running away, but I didn’t think it’d be so far off you would be willing to say it to my face, let alone miss your train for it!”
Now it was him who was left speechless. “I don’t understand-”
“Of course you don’t. You’re so convinced this can only end one way, you end up missing what’s right in front of you.”
“Could you just tell me what the hell you are talking about?!” He said, exasperated.
“I’m saying I love you! You idiot!” She grabbed his jacket and leaned forward, pulling him closer. “You think I would drive all the way here in this weather just to laugh at you? You think I want to run through the cold, desperately searching for you, just so I can tear your beautiful letter to shreds in front of you? I put in all this effort because I truly love you, even if it took ages to say it! I’m not one to openly declare things like this right away, and I understand why you might’ve doubted me, but really, the nerve of you for trying to run before I could say anything-”
Tsuchigomori watched her rant and shake his jacket, relief washing over him and a small smile becoming visible as the scarf slowly loosened. When she noticed, her voice trailed off. “...What are you looking at?”
“Oh, nothing really.” He mumbled, unable to stop smiling. “Just you.”
Despite her best efforts, Yako eventually cracked a smile. To try and hide it, she turned her head to the side and replied, “Well, stop it, you’re making me smile too!”
“There’s nothing wrong with that, your smile is rather lovely!”
“I know, but you’re too kind to me! That’s why it’s contagious!” She stifled a soft laugh, gradually facing him again. “And yours is lovely too. I have half a mind to kiss you right now, see how long that smile will be stuck on your face after that.”
“I’m not sure it’ll ever go away if you do that.” He said, his cheeks flushed.
This time, Yako didn’t respond. She looked at him once more with stars in her eyes, her lips longing for something more. And before he could say anything, she had already closed the empty gap between them.
And oh, how electrifying it was!
After a moment of surprise, he returned the kiss, sparks igniting as he leaned in close. He couldn’t recall the last time someone had loved him like this before, let alone if anyone had ever kissed him like this. It was a warm, dizzying feeling, that was all so new and strange, yet nostalgic and welcoming in turn. For as their lips have never quite met, Tsuchigomori had long dreamed of a love like hers. He knew it would start and end with her, as he had all this time – though pushed away and denied by fear. But at that moment, the truth couldn’t have been clearer. It was always meant to be.
When they finally parted, there was another moment of quiet longing. Time stood still as they held each other, starry-eyed and beaming, until one spoke.
“So this is why you wanted to find me? To make me miss my train so you could kiss me?” Tsuchigomori teased quietly.
Yako laughed again, playfully punching his arm. “Oh, quiet, you! Though I did enjoy that, I’ll admit – perhaps you could kiss me on the drive home?”
He gently took her hand and started walking alongside her, guiding his suitcase in the snow with his other hand. “I make no promises; who’s to say there will only be one more?”
“That’s a deal I’m willing to take,” She answered with a smile. She looked at him lovingly as they exchanged banters, the same way he did with her.
And so the two departed the train station, leaving behind only the fear they brought with them. There was no room for it in the hands that held one another.