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Steve is on the struggle bus. It's only normal for an artist, which he is, thank you very much, to process some of those big feelings through his music. Right?
Five times that Steve regrets a song he's written and the one time he doesn't.
1. When he writes the song itself
Steve’s angry. Him and Robin are finishing the second half of their tour. An experience that was supposed to be amazing and life-altering has been soured by the situation with him. So when he slides the lyrics across the table of the tour bus for Robin to peruse, it doesn’t even occur to him to rethink what he’s written.
“Um Babe, so this is a lot.” Robin looks up at him from the notebook. “Like, is this your way of telling me how you’re processing the break-up or…”
“Break-up? What break-up? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Steve slumped further down into his seat, shooting a glare towards Robin. She knew better than to call what happened a break-up.
“Are we still in the denial stage then?”
“Denial? How can I be in denial? Clearly there was nothing ever there. Can’t have a break-up when you never meant anything to the other person.” Steve all but shouts into the otherwise quiet bus. He stands up from the bench seat and throws his hands up in the air in frustration.
“Right, so still in the anger phase. Got it.” Robin nods to herself. “But, like actually, what are you looking for from me with this?”
Steve ignores her first comment entirely, putting his hands on his hips to respond. “It’s a song, Robbie. I’m thinking it could be a single on our next album. But I’m only one half of the Hopeless Romantics, so I need to know what you think before moving forward with it.”
“Okay. Well, I’m gonna circle back around to my earlier, ‘It’s a lot.’ comment. It’s definitely different from our usual sound, I’m not sure how to put this delicately, so I’m just gonna say this, ‘It’s a break-up song, and a really freaking angry one at that. I’m not sure how the label is going to respond, or our fans.”
At this point, Steve is feeling a lot of feelings, and he resumes his earlier frustrated pacing. “What? Why? Because it’s real? And we’re just some superficial, pop band that can’t have real feelings? We aren’t allowed to be angry because we’re just some bubblegum pop upstarts!”
“Hey, Steve-o. No one is saying we can’t have real feelings! I’m just giving you feedback. Workshopping the song like we always do. If you really want to move forward with this song, we absolutely can. You know I will always support you! We’re a team! We’re friends first, band second.” Robin stands up and wraps her arms around him, a soothing balm to the maelstrom of feelings rolling through him.
“Right, I know that. Sorry.” He returns her hug, burying his face into her shoulder.
“It’s alright. So you really wanna do this?”
He nods into her shoulder. If he really wants to convince her of his conviction though, he knows that he needs to give her a verbal response, “Yeah.”
“Alright, you know when E-”
“Don’t say his name! He doesn’t deserve the waste of breath.”
“Fine. Sorry. Sorry. When he hears this song, you know that he is gonna know that it's about him right?”
“Perfect. He can hear exactly what I think about him and I don’t even have to say anything directly to him to hear it.”
Robin must be able to read something in his face that convinces her this is what he needs, so she says, “Alright, so what were you thinking for the instrumentals…” And for a brief second, Steve regrets the song, he knows that when he hears it, or at least hopes, that when he hears it, it’ll hurt. But that feeling of regret is so small underneath the feelings of anger, fury, and if he’s being honest with himself, the hurt, that he moves right past it.
“Loud. Heavy guitar…”
.-.-.-.-
2. When they record the song
Steve likes to think he’s over the situationship. He’s still refusing to call it a relationship or admit that it was a break-up. Deep down and in his own head he can admit that he’s lying to himself.
Steve and Robin are in the studio recording his song. Robin’s fear that the song was too different from their debut album was unfounded. The label loved it. Thought it was total bop and were in discussion to release it as a single if the recording went well.
And now Steve is regretting just a bit pushing for this song. Because now he is going to have to sing about the not break-up, break-up. Not just presently in the studio, but probably on their next tour. He’s going to have to relive the anger, frustration, and pain over and over again. He hadn’t thought that far ahead when he had shown Robin the song all those weeks ago in the tour bus.
“Alright, Stevie. On the 8th count after the violin starts playing, hit it.” Robin joins him in the sound booth. “Let’s make it a good one. Nance and I have a hot date tonight and I can’t make that happen if we’re here past midnight.”
“Nancy is literally our manager/lawyer. She’s the one who schedule’s our sessions; I’m sure she’ll ensure that you’re out of here on time.”
“Still!”
Steve just laughs at her antics, happy that she’s found happiness in love finally. “Alright Robs, for you I’ll make it a good one. But you’ve got to bring me home any leftovers.” He slides the headphones over his ears ready to record. And while he might regret having to sing this particular song in the future, right now, he’s still upset enough that it's hardly any effort to bring forth the required emotions for the song.
Him and Robin are out of the studio within the hour.
.-.-.-.-
3. When they release the song
“So she liked it?”
“Steve, she didn’t just like it, she loved it. She said, and I quote, ‘Not bad, Stalker.’ Then she kissed me nicely! I thought I was going to cry!” Lucas is regaling Steve with the tale of Max and his anniversary.
Lucas had had the idea that he wanted to recreate some of the magic from when he and Max had first met back in Hawkins. He had redone the basement of his house out in Calabasas and turned it into a retro arcade. And thanks to Steve and his weekends of scouring collectors and going-out-of-business sales for a Dig-Dug machine, the surprise had been complete.
“I’m happy for you, Man! What’d she do for you?”
Lucas blushed, “I um, can’t tell you.”
“Ew! You are like my children! I don’t even want a hint that you guys get up to sex things.”
“What! NO! I can’t tell you because Max made me promise we’d tell you together!”
“Oh my God! Are you guys pregnant!”
“STEVE! Can you not!” Lucas looked around the cafe where they’d been previously having a quiet brunch. “Someone could hear you! The last thing I need is ‘NBA Lakers Star, Lucas Sinclair, Pregnant with First Child!’ splashed across the headlines!” Lucas waved his hands in Steve’s face to shush him.
“Sinclair?”
“Shit, see what you’ve done?” Lucas grimaced before turning towards the voice. “Gareth?”
“Sinclair! It’s good to see you! Long time no see, Man!”
“Yeah, I’m hoping to jump into another campaign once the season is over. Earlier if we don’t get far in the play-offs. Eddie said it’d be cool.” At the sound of his name, Steve couldn’t stop himself from scoffing. Which inevitably drew Gareth’s attention to him
“Harrington. Bold of you showing your face around here.”
Lucas tried to de-escalate, “Hey Guys…” But to Steve it was no use.
“Excuse me? Bold of me? What did I do?”
“You know what you did. But that song? What a dick move man. You just had to rub salt in the wound didn’t you? Had to really add insult to injury to the whole situation.
“Me! What I did-”
“If I hadn’t already promised Eddie I wouldn’t pummel you for what you did-”
Clearly Lucas had had enough at the point because he stepped up between the two, “Hey Guys, we are in a public place and we’re pretty public figures. None of us need the tabloids to speculate what’s up. Gareth it was really good to see you. I’ll text the group and hopefully we can start planning that campaign soon. If not, maybe a game night or something. Yeah?” Lucas patted the other man's shoulder as he gently steered him away. That didn’t stop Gareth from shooting Steve a dirty look though as he moved away.
That look hurt. Steve and Gareth had actually been pretty cool before everything happened. What had he done? Northing! So why was Gareth blaming him? He hadn’t been the one to ruin everything! Gareth had said, ‘add insult to injury.’ What did that even mean in this context? He’d bring it up with Robin to dissect later. He’d grab some wine and ice cream later to make a real night of it. Maybe Nancy would get in on the mystery…
Maybe it was the song? Nobody but those ‘in the know’ about what happened would be able to figure out who the song was about. That was a fairly limited group; most of whom were still friends with both parties and weren’t likely to say anything. So nobody would connect the song to him. So what was Gareth’s problem?
That wasn’t fair. Gareth was his Robin. And Robin would absolutely cut a bitch if they had written a song about Steve that sounded even remotely as harsh as the one Steve had written. So yeah, fair.
Steve could now admit that, maybe, the song was a bit too harsh. He maybe should have sat on it a bit longer before pushing it. That tiny bit of regret he pushed aside when he thought again about Gareth blaming him for the situation. “As if! I didn’t do anything wrong! If he didn’t want me to write about it, he shouldn’t have done what he did.”
At that moment, Lucas returned to the table. “So, you wanna talk about it, or…? It's all over the radio. Like I wasn’t going to say anything, but since it came up somewhat organically…”
“Nope, I’m good. The song says everything I needed to say.”
Lucas gave him a long, searching look before sighing. “Alright, if you say so. Just so you know, I’m fairly certain it's going to be added to our warm-up mix. So be prepared to put on the jumbotron when you attend the game next week.”
“Got it.” And if Steve felt the tiniest bit of regret thinking about it, that was no one’s business but his own.
.-.-.-.-
4. When it becomes a #1 Hit
El, Max, and Steve are laying out by the pool of Max and Lucas’s place. Enjoying the sunshine, listening to the radio, and gossiping about what’s been up in their lives.
“And then this Hoop Hoe has the audacity-”
“Woah Max! That isn’t very ‘fuck the patriarchy of you’...”
“That’s fair Harrington. I’ll allow it. So this female has the audacity to be all like, ‘Lucas deserves so much better! Have you seen his girlfriend? She doesn’t even put on make-up for the games! It’s like she doesn’t care at all about the image she projects and how it reflects on Lucas…”
“And then I dumped a soda on her.” El jumps into the story looking awfully proud of herself.
Steve offers her a hand for a low five which she enthusiastically gives. “Honestly, it sounds like she deserved it. Women support women.”
“Preach!” Max raised her cup towards Steve.
Steve looks towards El. “How’s it with you?’
El looks thoughtful. “Work is good! We’ve had a lot of requests for the upcoming award seasons so I have been very busy. Also, Fashion Week is coming up soon and I am really looking forward to it.”
Steve smiled at her! “Nice Elly-belly! Are you going to be too busy for us this season? Because if so Robin and I would totally understand! We can also start paying you, I mean, you put in a lot of work into our looks and I feel like we’re at a stage where we can actually pay you guys.”
“No! You are our friends! You took a chance on Will and I when we were starting out and wore clothes when we had no reputation. Will and I appreciate that and this is one way we can show our love and support of you.”
“Fine, fine. Let us at least pay for the cost of material.
“Deal.”
“How’s Mike?”
“He is good. He is working on a new script. Netflix and HBO have both shown interest and so he is very excited about it.”
Max scoffed. “Nerd.”
El just nodded in agreement as if it was a compliment.
“So Max, Lucas wouldn’t tell me at brunch, what’d you do for your anniversary.”
“Nice try Steve.” Max looked towards him over her sunglasses. “I know for a fact that I told him to tell you that we would tell you together. Do you see him anywhere? Because I sure as hell don’t.” She gestured around the empty pool and backyard.
“It was worth a try Max. I’m going to a game this week. You gonna be there?”
“Probably.”
“Alright, you guys tell me then.”
“We'll see.” Steve looked back over towards El hoping to commiserate about the secretiveness but she had a suspiciously pleased look on her face. She was probably in on it and already knew.
The radio interrupted their conversation. “Alright, be quiet! It’s on.”
“And that was the number two song, Miley Cyrus with ‘Flowers’. So we’re left with the top hit of the week. This has been AT 40 with Ryan Seacrest, brought to you by Good Morning America! To round up our countdown, at number 1, for the first time, ‘Thanks for the Memories’ by the Hopeless Romantics.”
“Yay Steve and Robin! Number one!” El cheered.
“You wanna talk about that frown on your face Harrington?”
“Nope.”
“Why are you upset Steve?”
“I’ll tell you later El.”
“Oh, okay.”
“So how about those Lakers?” Steve clearly tried to change the subject. El looks confused. Max clearly had an opinion. If people kept asking about the song and how he felt about it he was going to go insane.
“Didn’t we already talk about Lucas…?”
Steve may even begin to regret it.
.-.-.-.-
5. When they perform it at an awards show
Steve feels sick to his stomach and he is full of regret. He hasn't felt this way about performing in years, probably not since a middle school swim meet if he’s being honest. He loves having eyes on him when he’s performing. Why did he write such a stupid song?
Past Steve should have thought about the consequences because now Future Steve is suffering from those consequences! Robin must sense his turmoil because she slings an arm around him and asks, “Hey, what’s wrong?”
“I didn’t ever think I’d have to sing this while Eddie was in the audience. Live! I feel sick thinking about how I’m going to have to sing our break-up song to his face.”
“Oh, so you admit that it was a break-up after months, literal months, Steve! Saying it wasn’t a break-up.”
“Robin! That is so not the point right now! Can you please focus!”
“Right, sorry! I am going to bring that up later and point out how right I was but right now, best friend hat! Got it. You and Eddie love each other. You had your rom-com worthy moment where you kissed and made-up. It’s fine. He knows you love him. He’s heard the song before, he’ll probably think it's funny.”
“You don’t know that! What if it dredges up all those bad feelings and reminds him how awful I was and he’s mad at me?”
“Fine. Easy problem to solve.” Robin takes out her phone and starts to mess around with it.
“What are you doing, we’re going on in two minutes!”
“Just chill.” With that she puts the phone up to her ear and waits a minute before speaking. “Eddie please reassure Steve that you are not going to be mad at him or break-up with him again over the super angry, mean song he wrote about you.” Robin handed the phone over to him without waiting for a response.
“First off, I didn’t break-up with him, he broke up with me, and neither of us broke-up with the other so it doe-”
“Eddie?”
“Baby! What’s the matter?”
“Do you hate me for writing the song?”
“What? No! How could you say that? Mistakes were made on both our parts. I thought we discussed it and were working past it?”
“I know, but I never thought I’d actually have to perform it in front of you and now I’m worried that if I sing it live it’ll stir up all sorts of negative feelings. I regret ever writing this stupid song!” Steve let himself share the regret and shame in the song for the first time outloud.
“Sweetheart!” Steve heard a stagehand give the 30 second warning. Eddie must have heard it too because he rushed out. “I love you and nothing will change that! I know you wrote that song when you were feeling big feelings. And all feelings are valid. Now go out there and put on a show. We can talk more later, but know that I love you and nothing bad will happen because I hear it live, actually, it’s kind of funny-”
“On in ten-nine-eight-...”
Robin grabs her phone and hangs up. “We gotta go Steve-o.” He shoots her a smile as he hears his mic click on.
As he walks on with the cue, violin music playing, he wishes that he’d never written the stupid song.
.-.-.-.-
+1. When Corroded Coffin performs a cover of the song
“So let me get this straight. You can’t be bothered to be my date to receive my first Grammy Award. You don’t make it for my Academy Awards performance. You only attended our Boston concert, but you can fly all the way out to see Corroded Coffin? What a friend…”
Steve was sat next to Dustin in the VIP section to the right of the stage for a Corroded Coffin concert. It was the opening concert for the West Coast leg of a larger tour.
“Excuse me! You know damn well that Suzie and I streamed, and live tweeted for that matter, your performance at the Academy Awards. I have the time stamps! Also, I would have gone to more concerts, but I’m just a poor, struggling doctoral student…”
Steve laughed at that, “You know Robin and I would have paid for you to come if you’d wanted to.”
“It isn’t about wanting to come. I do actually have work to do at school. Some of my experiments are time sensitive! I just can’t go gallivanting around the country being your groupie!”
“Okay, check the attitude, I know Henderson, you know I’m proud of you and your little science projects.”
“I’m going to ignore the condescension because I know I’m your best friend-”
“Actually, Robin is my best friend…”
“Ignoring that too. As for your Grammy Award. How else was I going to get you and Eddie back together? You weren’t even allowing anyone to say his name!”
Steve spluttered, “You? How did you get us back together, you did nothing! You weren’t even there!”
“Nothing? Without me bailing on both of you, I would have been sitting between the two of you and having to act as some weird referee all night allowing you guys to ignore each other. But, because I’m a genius, I knew you two would be sitting next to each other, you always are, and be forced to talk to each other.”
Dustin looked too smug and Steve couldn’t have that, “Oh really Genius? How could you have possibly known that Nancy and Robin wouldn’t have acted as a buffer if I’d asked?”
“Because Nancy was in on it. Obviously”
“What?”
“Yeah. An inside agent. Her job was to distract Robin with her womanly wiles so that you would have to sit next to Eddie and talk to him. You guys would inevitably realize that it was all some big misunderstanding and realize that you were in love. It worked didn’t it?”
“Okay, I don’t love that you convinced Nancy to be your agent, but I’ll let it slide since no one got hurt. Also, that is not at all how that evening played out. And you’re lucky that Robin loves me and didn’t let Nancy distract her with her ‘womanly wiles’ because she was the one that made me listen to the love song Eddie had written about me. Genius.” Steve emphasized the last word with finger quotes.
“Okay, but none of that would have-” Steve shushed him as the lights dimmed and the band members came out on stage, introducing themselves. Dustin glared at him, but allowed it to happen.
And it was a great concert! The fans certainly thought so, shouting for another encore after the band had already left for the second time. Steve figured it was probably over and started to get ready to file out of the VIP section and head backstage to wait for his boyfriend to finish for the night. But the lights dimmed again, and the foursome came back out on stage.
Steve thought he was pretty good on stage, but Eddie, Eddie shines. Was utterly captivating. It didn’t even matter that his look was effortless, because it was effortless. Whereas Steve and Robin would sit in the make-up chair for at least an hour before a stage performance, Eddie would take maybe twenty minutes to get ready. He still looked gorgeous, an absolute angel. An angel in leather pants and chains.
Eddie was panting into the mic. “Alright, this is the absolute last one folks. I am absolutely dripping in sweat and need a shower asap. I’m sure the boys feel the same, don’t ya?” The other members nodded.
Gareth leaned into his mic and stated, “Any sweatier and my last pair of sticks are going flying.”
Eddie laughed back. “Alright, we’re going to wrap up tonight a little differently than we normally do. Normally we play our ballad, ‘Sweet Stranger’ to cool down for the night. However, we have a very special guest here tonight!” The crowd cheered for that.
“Tonight the man who inspired that song is in the audience. Hi Baby.” Steve didn’t think the audience could get louder, but they did. This was one of the reasons that made Eddie such a special performer. The way he could steer an audience and the atmosphere.
“So you might think, play his song for him! But nope, we’re going to play a cover of the song he wrote for me.”
Steve’s stomach dropped. He didn’t think Eddie would be so cruel to throw this back in his face in a stadium of 10,000 people. He looked to Dustin for a cue of what was going on, but he had a smug smile on his face, and Steve didn’t have the emotional bandwidth to unpack that.
God, Steve regretted writing that song. Wished he would have torn it up and used it as kindling on the side of the road.
“He’s probably panicking right now.” Eddie had the audacity to send a wink towards the section they were sitting. As if he didn’t know that reminding him of that song would make Steve miserable, especially after mentioning the love song he had written in their….hiatus.
“But this is a Corroded Coffin cover, and we’ve changed just a few of the words, and uh, tone, of the song to give it a new sound. Hope you like, Love.”
It was still loud. But Eddie had worked his magic and suddenly it didn’t sound so angry. Suddenly it was a song of longing. Missing someone you cared about. Of regret. Steve started to cry. Eddie had turned his biggest regret into something beautiful.
Dustin wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist in a hug. “Are those happy tears? Do you like it? Because he asked if I thought it was a good idea and I said yes, so I’d feel much better if you’d clarify how you’re feeling right now.”
Steve did a weird little laugh/cry and nodded. “Yes, I love it.”
The final bars of the song played out. “Alright, friends! I have to go kiss my boyfriend and make sure he isn’t mad at me for stealing his song. So you don’t have to go home, but you gotta get the hell out of here! Goodnight!”
And Steve would be giving his boyfriend all the kisses and then some because for the first time since he wrote the song, he didn’t feel a single ounce of regret.
Dustin must have correctly interpreted the sappy look on his face, because his parting shot before he started making his way towards backstage was, “I’m staying at yours tonight. YOU can stay at Eddie’s because I am not listening to whatever that face your making is implying.”
That was probably for the best because Steve loudly and enthusiastically thanked Eddie for the song edits that night.