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The hot warm air with the big fluffy clouds only a small girl ever wished to grab them to eat them as she looks in-front of her and she her mother or really my mother, the only person who cared and raised me. Who took care of me when my hood for nothing father left us with my baby brother who was still in diapers. Who pushed me and my brother first and did everything she could. Even when we didn’t have enough money for rent or when we got our water cut and out electricity. Asking for the neighbors to give us water in a big tub to bathe me and my baby brother.
When my father took our only transportation our truck which left her walking got miles back and forth to work. My Mother who forgave him when he cheated only for him to leave with someone else. Never changing her phone number for him to call us only for him to not call us once. He who never cared and put dirt on my mothers name and never paid for the child support. The man that I see as a stranger, the one I saw as my own father who wasn’t there in my elementary graduation and my middle school graduation.
Little Girl looking in the crowd to hope to see him, only to find the disappointment of not seeing him but seeing her mother. She who never fails to attend to any thing ever. Is the same woman who stands in front of me and calls me “An Ungrateful horrible daughter who will never understand her” it hurt. It hurt so much the day she told me that, we had a horrible screaming match where my little brother crying in the bed seeing us arguing. Crying in door of my bedroom and she hugs me whispering ‘I do love you and care for you’ and leaves me as I walk inside my to only sob and weep cry in my room.
The once little girl is now a teenager who is now slowly understanding why her mother is the way she is.
The hard lump that seems to never go away with a hard hurting feeling in the stomach that only seems to travel to your throat. It’s hard to breathe and the tears that threat to fall that makes you wonder…
“Why am I like this? Am I such a bad daughter after all?… wouldn’t it be better to be away and not be a bother to anyone anymore?” Such painful thoughts but at the thought of her own crying mother hurting is not any bigger than her own pain. Maybe it wasn’t her fault but in the end it’s an unforgiving horrible feeling that’s hard to explain.
A large table that had balloons and birthday presents in the middle of all that was a bit of a space where you could see a big cake that had a big candle in the shape of a 4, in the back in all pink dress was a small girl that held a happy smile as she whispered under her breath ‘I wish for my mom and my dad to always stay together and for us to be a big happy family’ blowing out the candle fire with a big bright smile. It may have never came true but it was a joyful moment where it felt it was that way if only time could be turned back to enjoy the time as it was before.