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It wasn’t the first time Lan Zhan decided to walk outside in the middle of the night. Since he moved out of his childhood house and moved in his university dorms, it has been hard for him to fall asleep. Those empty white walls that surrounded his room, the darkness and even the silence which he used to find welcoming were all too much. It made him want to choke, cry like he never did as a child. He always had a strict schedule, sleeping at nine and waking up at five. It's funny how such a change in environment can change years-long habits.
Therefore, he decided to take walks. He was aware of how dangerous it was to walk at night, but it was better than staying in his bed until dawn. After all, he quite finds night as an ethereal thing to look at. The slightly chilly wind, the fresh air and the bright as diamonds stars. It was beautiful. He might have grown up in this university after all his whole family has taught at Cloud Recesses for decades, but he never had the chance to admire the place. He knew it was beautiful, but it was different at night. At night, it was gorgeous.
He looked around as he walked up and down, its road and hills. Slowly calming down from all the stress and differences in his life. Before he knew he had walked across the campus and was walking up one of the hills which can show the whole university from the top. He normally wouldn't go up there. It was quite high, isolated and very far away from his dorm. Yet, here he was, walking up the hill at three in the morning, not knowing what else to do.
When he reached the top, it was beautiful. The reason why this hill was so isolated was that at the top, instead of continuing downhill, it curved like a cliff with no protective barriers. Lan Zhan approached the edge of the cliff carefully before he sat down on the edge. Just silently staring at the night sky. Yet, even after the walk and sitting there, something was missing. Something that made him feel an empty feeling in his chest. Like something was just not right.
And then he heard noise from behind him.
He turned around and his eyes immediately landed on a… Man. A young man, like him. He couldn't make out his silhouette with all the darkness. It seemed like he had fallen off a tree from behind Lan Zhan, he was on the ground after all. The man got up and raised his head to look at Lan Zhan. His breath was immediately taken away. He was pretty, the most beautiful person Lan Zhan had ever seen. Such gentle soft figures, such as his lips and nose, yet so sharp. Like his jawline and eyes. Every heartbeat that pulm in his body, was for that man in front of him for a second.
Then the beautiful man flashed a smile at him, ‘I’m sorry, did I scare you?’ Has anyone told you, you look like an angel?’ He instantly felt his ears grow hot from the comment. So shameless. Lan Zhan stayed silent, yet the stranger walked close to him and even sat beside him on the edge. Lan Zhan’s eyes followed his every move. The man then made eye contact for the second time, ‘Aren’t the stars beautiful? Tell me.’ with a sparkle in his eyes.
That was it, his heart throbbed for him from that day on.
From then on, Lan Zhan would walk up that hill every night and sit beside that beautiful stranger for hours each time. Talking about everything and anything. They talked about their favourite colours, their days and later on about their past. Lan Zhan told him about how he was only allowed to see his mother once a month before she died and he become an orphan, the man told him about how his parents were killed in front of him at a young age and was adopted. They cried and laugh for whole nights.
It made Lan Zhan crave more time, impatiently waiting for the night to come. He would spend his day as normal. Go to class, go to his dorm, call his brother and uncle, work on his projects, study and then wait. Wait to see those silver eyes and shining smile. How could he not? That man was perfect.
One thing that Lan Zhan truly understood about the man was that he truly loved the stars. Sometimes they would just lie on the grass and gaze at the sky in silence, while others the man would point at star constellations.
‘My parents used to say that when people die they become stars. I'm sure you will be the brightenest of them all!’ Lan Zhan disagreed.
‘Look, look, that's called Pegasus! Isn't it amazing? Aiya, if you stare at me, how are you going to witness the beauty of the stars.’ he was already looking at one.
‘My favourite constellation is probably Corvus. It's simple, kind of looks like a square but I think it's nice.’ he was in too deep.
From sleeping only to dream about that honey-filled smile to closing his eyes and seeing him. He couldn't stop thinking about him. Every hour, minute, second. However, Lan Zhan didn't even know his name. They never introduced themselves to each other. They just kept meeting and every time Lan Zhan tried to ask, the man would avoid it, intentionally or not. He wanted, needed to know.
‘Your eyes,’ the man started, ‘the gold kind of looks like those stars.’ he teased lightly and smiled. They were laying on the ground, facing each other this time. How much did Lan Zhan just want to pull him close to him and hold him. Keep him close to him and kiss his lips. Say his name and hear his name fall out of his lips.
‘Tell me your name.’ Lan Zhan blurred out without meaning to. He watched as the man’s smile turned into a pitiful, sad one and his heart ached. It was too much to witness the loss of sparkles in the man’s eyes.
‘Aiya, why is that important?’ he started and look turn his body to face the stars again. ‘Does it really matter who I am and what's my name?’ yes, Lan Zhan wanted to say yes! Scream it even, but stayed silent. It was almost as if he could read, hear what Lan Zhan wanted to say and he sighed. It is scary how easily, this man was able to read him.
‘Would you prefer if I said my name first?’ Lan Zhan asked, and the man stayed silent. It was unlike him to not answer back, he always answered back. Lan Zhan decided to tell him anyway. However, the moment he opened his mouth before even he took a breath, the stranger turned to his side again and pressed both his hands on Lan Zhan’s mouth. Immediately stopping him from speaking.
‘No please,’ he pleased, Lan Zhan’s eyes widening in shock. Was this so important to him? ‘Think of me like the sky. You, at least, might not know the names of all these constellations or how to identify them. Yet, seeing them all in the sky, every night is beautiful and calming.’ he said and smiled, the smile that made the stars dull in shame.
‘You are more beautiful than the stars.’ Lan Zhan took the man’s hands away from his mouth and kissed his palm. He could see the blush that took over the stranger's cheek. He really wanted to kiss him.
‘You seem discarded those days, A-Zhan’ his bothers voice sounded from his phone. Of course, his brother would notice. He wasn't being exactly subtle, he zoned out more often than not those days. His grades were perfect, but he wasn't acting as usual. Lan Zhan never really had any friends except his brother, Nie Huaisang and Luo Qingyang. Those three were the only expectations and all three of them could read him like an open book. While everyone else was intimidated by Lan Zhan’s attitude, those three knew that he wore his heart on his sleeve. So, there was no point lying to his brother.
‘I met someone.’ Lan Zhan said and before he could stop himself, a small smile took over his lips. He hasn't mentioned or talked about him to anyone else. He never felt the need to, he liked how this was a secret between them only. They only knew about it, it's something they shared and had in common.
‘Someone?’ his brother, with a teasing aura around him, ‘Does he attend the same university?’ Lan Zhan nodded. The man was studying engineering, even if he was also interested in music and art. Lan Zhan found himself always fascinated with how smart the man was. After all, only selected people are allowed to study in Cloud Recesses. Even family members don't get the privilege of studying there if they don't have acceptable grades.
‘You seem happy’ Lan Xichen teased but there was a softness behind his words and Lan Zhan truly was happy. It has been a while since he was this happy. Last time he felt this carefree was when his mother was still alive. ‘So what's his name?’ his brother teased.
‘I don't know’ Lan Zhan slightly hesitate, he wasn't sure how to justify this answer. It sounded a bit creepy. Having a crush that you don't know the name of can sometimes make you sound like a stalker.
‘You.. Don't know?’ Lan Xichen looked confused. ‘Is he like a hallway crush?’
‘No,’ Lan Zhan quickly said. ‘We talk almost every day’ which is mostly true, they do talk every day.
‘Do you not want to tell me their name yet?’ Lan Xichen asked carefully. Lan Zhan stayed quiet after that and Lan Xichen took that as a sign to change the subject. Lan Zhan was thankful because he didn't know what to say. He didn't know how to explain the situation he was in without sounding crazy. How could he tell his brother that he fall for a man he didn't even know the name of?
‘Xiongzhang, have you heard about star constellations.’
So, they continued for months, to meet at night. Under the stars as their only witness and slowly they grow closer and closer. Both of them started to form feelings for each other. Loving was hard for Lan Zhan. Last time he never fall in love with someone. He has always been too quiet, too awkward for it to have. But, this stranger was different. He was different from anyone he has ever known before. With his enthusiastic smiles that lit up the place around them, his eyes that turned into crescents when he was happy and his sweet, oh but so sweet, laugh. It was like honey melting out of his lips with every sound, every word. He was a lost case when it came to that man. Who had so quickly and unfairly stolen his heart. The man has lent out his hands and Lan Zhan had allowed for his bare heart to fall out of his chest. Let it beat on his palms and trust him to not break it.
They both knew that they had feelings for each other but no one acted on them. They just continue meeting each other, each day going by. However, Lan Zhan realised that each day the man would get distracted easier. Each day his smiles would turn smaller and more fake. Lan Zhan never asked, he just let the man come on his own to him. If he didn't want to talk about it who was Lan Zhan to demand him to? Maybe for the man, Lan Zhan was his only escape from his everyday life (he was so much more).
‘If I asked you to smile for me, would you?’ the man asked. Again they were both laying, facing each other.
‘For you, I would do anything.’ Lan Zhan said before he could stop himself and the man gave him a sad smile and let out a pitiful chuckle. It might have been dark but Lan Zhan could see the wetness that gathered in the man’s eyelashes. The stranger placed his hand on Lan Zhan’s jawline and moved his thumb across his cheekbone softly.
‘Never say that, for anyone.’ he whispered back and moved closer to Lan Zhan, breaking eye contact and resting his head on Lan Zhan’s chest. Placed his hand where his heart in and closed his eyes. Lan Zhan just placed his hand on his waist and kept it there. He almost felt that the man needed this. Like he truly needed to feel these few moments and live in them. It was all happening so slowly, it was unpredictable what would happen next.
Like every other time, Lan Zhan was again going up the hill in the middle of the night. It was a routine by then but that time was different. Lan Zhan has finally decided to confess. To tell the man how much he means to him, to ask him to be with him. So, he went up the hill, while trying to be confident and optimistic.
When he reached the top. The man was already there. Standing on the edge of the cliff. He was looking over the university, up the stars. It almost looked like he could touch the stars if he wanted to. Lan Zhan felt himself relax from only the sight of the man and went closer to him. Standing just behind him, with his shoes off and something felt different. The man should have felt his presence as he turns around and Lan Zhan felt his breath get knocked out of his chest. The man was smiling, but like never before. His smile was sweet and brighter than anything Lan Zhan has ever seen. He seemed truly content and happy.
‘Hello,’ the man whispered and took Lan Zhan’s hands in his. Lan Zhan swallowed and opened his mouth to speak.
‘I-’ he was immediately caught off by the man’s finger being placed on his lips. The stranger then slowly placed his hands around Lan Zhan’s neck and pulled him close to him, making Lan Zhan place his hands around the man’s waist. ‘I really like you’ Lan Zhan said and didn't give the stranger a second to stop him. It made the stranger let out a soft sound like a sob and buried his head in Lan Zhan’s neck, where he felt wetness.
‘Hold me for the night, angel.’ the man said and then started humming. They danced for hours to rhythms that they couldn't name. Lan Zhan felt happy, so happy he could laugh and the man seemed so happy that every time he looked up to the sky Lan Zhan felt as if he could see the galaxy. It was perfect. He was everything that Lan Zhan needed.
‘Look at me.’ the man said and Lan Zhan, unable to disobey, did. The man looked at him with adoration in his eyes, starting at his reflection in those sliver-coloured eyes. ‘Kiss me.’ the man said and Lan Zhan immediately obeyed. The morning dawn started to come up but both didn't care as they kissed on the edge of the cliff. One breath became shorter than the other. Both lose their breath to each other. It was everything they ever needed, wanted, craved. Lan Zhan was finally happy, he finally had everything he wanted, the whole world in his hands.
‘Please,’ the man said and felt a small kiss on Lan Zhan’s lips, leaving him to chase after it ‘Live for me.’ Lan Zhan was confused before he felt that the man push him off and Lan Zhan saw it. He saw everything, almost in slow motion, how the man opened his arms as he fell over the edge, with a smile on his face, almost like he was laughing. He leaned back his head and his eyes turned into crescents. This was the end for him. Lan Zhan was unable to do anything. The moment he fell to the ground he moved fast to look over the edge and the moment he looked, the stranger made contact with the ground. Lifeless eyes looking at him, blood everywhere and a stupid, beautiful, happy smile across his face. As he was happy, he was finally safe and content.
Lan Zhan felt breathless. His lungs felt too small, too tight, too much. He couldn't breathe as tears fall from his eyes and onto the ground. He wanted to scream, scream until his voice turn into nothing, just a harsh sound into the void, but he couldn't. He physically wasn't able to. The more he stared at the man, the more he couldn't do anything. For the first time in his life, while looking at the lifeless eyes of his love, he felt helpless.
Going home was hard for Lan Zhan. Every step he took felt like his last. It was like he was floating, everything felt like a dream and so unreal. Anyone who probably saw him, felt like they were looking at a ghost walking. Before he felt he called the police and the ambulance. He couldn't stay there and see as they took his body away. This would make everything real, it would mean that all the memories he had were real. Like this, he could pretend that everything was in his imagination, like nothing ever happen.
Because who would believe him? Who would believe that he fall in love with someone he didn't even know the name of before he took away his heart with him forever? How could he tell to anyone that he felt as lifeless as the eyes that reflected back to him? It was all too much to think about. Maybe he was too ignorant to witness the signs. The tiredness in his eyes, the weight loss, everything was there. But he preferred to ignore it, for his own bliss. Yet, now the only thing that he felt was numbness and emptiness. He had lost a part of his soul, and he will never get it back.
As he opened the door to his dorm, he knew he had an early class but he didn't want to go. He didn't feel like doing anything. With all his last energy he tried to change clothes. However, he felt something in his back pocket. He took it out and stare at it. The writing outside the letter was unfamiliar, but Lan Zhan knew, knew it was him. It was a simple date.
‘31.11.20’
He quickly changed and sat on his bed as he opened and read the letter. Only feel lifeless by the end, his love had a name.
‘To who I met under the stars, to the boy that took my breath away,
My name was Wei Ying…