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"In the days of Kings and Queens, I was a jester.
Treat me like a God, or they treat me like a leper.
You see me move back and forth between both,
I'm trying to find a balance."
-Trying to Find a Balance, Atmosphere
Unlike what most people assume, Black*Star is indeed self aware. He realizes the way he acts irritates the people around him, he just doesn't care. Maybe he's an enigma, teetering on the edge of hero and villain. He hates the way that he has to be "explained" to others. His close companions simply shrug when questioned about their friendship.
"That's just Black*Star."
There it is, his least favorite sentence. It isn't true, and it grates on his patience. He hates it most when he hears Tsubaki say those words.
"He's Just Black*Star."
He doesn't want to be "Just Black*Star" to her, especially her, and he trains harder. Someday he will be, "Black*Star", or maybe "My Black*Star", and it makes his skin flush hot when he thinks about her mouth saying those words.
"I am the man who will surpass God!"
The more he says it, the less it sounds like a declaration and the more it becomes a mantra. He repeats those eight words over and over and over. He clings to this ideal like the clouds cling to the sky.
Every day for years, he stares at himself in the mirror, trying to hide the hungry, hollow glint in his eyes. His destiny is his own, and he refuses to believe there is a path he must choose, or a path that will choose him. For a long time, he denies his heritage. He's seen the death and destruction left behind in his families wake, the horror they inflicted upon the world. Black*Star would die before he let himself become like White*Star.
Black*Star is a big man who would never do that kind of evil.
So his mantra shifts and changes to include,
"I am the man who will surpass God and I will never be like my father."
As time goes on, he has to chant his promise more and more often in his head. He relies on Tsubaki more than he would care to admit, and the soft feeling of her hands become an balm to his ever growing madness.
Sometimes it feels like it's too much, but he quickly dismisses that thought and shoves away any idea of weakness. He will never give up. Though it is growing inside him, that much he can't deny. Insanity flows through his veins and there are times he doesn't think it will ever get easier.
Then there are times, mostly when Tsubaki is gently kissing his neck, that he feels more empowered to fight his heritage. The ebbing of madness in his soul feels good, so soothing, almost as good as Tsubaki under him.
He starts to seek her wavelength when his eyesight blurs and he can nearly feel the star burning through his iris. Tsubaki has learned to never ignore the prodding wavelength of her meister. She will always come when he calls to her.
She wont mention the shaking of his hands as he grips her closer. Or talk about how his eyes flash dangerously when he looks at her some days. She knows he's fighting, and she knows how scared she should be.
But Tsubaki will never be afraid of her Black*Star.
She quiets the fear inside of him that never quite goes away. He revels in the soft, warm nature of his weapon, and worships her like the Goddess she is. His hands ignite a fire in her soul, and her hands quell the burn that is slowly eating away at his heart.
When he fights Mifune for the last time, he knows he cannot rely on Tsubaki for this. Mifune reaches out, extracts his deepest fear and throws it back at him.
"You're on the path of the demon. I can see it."
For the first time in his life, Black*Star lets his fear surround him. It envelops him, strengthening everything but his resolve. He was wrong, this whole time. He is like his father. With hope extinguished, he throws caution to the wind and experiences the path of the demon. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knows it's wrong for it to feel this good. To finally let go and embrace his volatile strength, of pain and power and not fearing the blood he will spill.
"I am the man who will surpass God and I will never be like my father."
For the first time, this manta feels wrong on the tip of his tongue. No. No, he was wrong and the words become,
"I will do whatever it takes to surpass God."
Tsubaki's wavelength trembles, and for the first time since realizing he loved her, he doesn't care.
He fights with a fervor that would leave lesser men than Mifune trembling. Everything is a blur as his corneas burn and warp into the insignia that has haunted him since birth. His teeth feel sharp as he grins at Mifunes blood pooling in the dirt.
Then, Tsubaki's hands are wrapping around his soul, and he cant quite grasp the feeling anymore.
Her soul is gently nudging his, silently begging him to come back. Black*Star hesitates, the demon inside him grasping for control. But Tsubaki presses forward, enveloping him completely in her soft embrace. She is the hope that guides him. She is galaxy of stars that brightens his shadowed heart.
She is the light to his dark, and he will always listen when Tsubaki calls.
The path he follows does not matter, because he is Black*Star. He is the big man who will find a balance between warrior and demon.
After Black*Star defeats Mifune, he tries to tell himself that things are changed. That a flip was switched when he released himself to Tsubaki and he would no longer struggle with his blood. He tells himself this, but he realizes it's not true.
Madness still clings to him like a stench he can't wash out. The precarious balancing act that is his sanity still tests him every day. But its easier, sometimes. There was nothing drastic that pushed that scale, but he still had to work at it.
Maka asked him once if he was okay. He laughs it off, roughly patting her on the back and declaring, "Of course I'm okay! I'm Black*Star!"
She shakes her head and laughs, relief washing over her face, "That's true, I don't know why I was worried."
For he was still, "Just Black*Star" and Just Black*Star didn't feel pain.
He hides his conflict between a façade of massive ego and apathetic mannerisms. He still cares, he still feels, and despite what everyone might think, he still worries. He thinks Tsubaki worries enough for the both of them, though. Her embraces become more desperate at night, like she feels him slipping from her grasp. Her kisses are feverish, and he thinks that she's scared.
Tsubaki will never admit her unease, the epitome of support and confidence in her meister. No matter how often he has to bite his tongue and fill his mouth with blood to stop it, Tsubaki will never admit she is scared.
For the millionth time since he met her, he thinks he doesn't deserve such an amazing weapon and lover. He's tried to express how much he loves her, but for Black*Star, that emotion doesn't come easy. Softness has never come easy to him, but he does try.
He's battled Asura on the moon, lost limbs, taken shots that should have killed him, fought insanity and blood lust for nearly his entire life; but he shivers in the face of not being enough for Tsubaki.
He goes to Kid at one point, years after peace has swept languidly over Death City. He doesn't know why, but he tries to explain his struggle to the Death God. Something about the irony of their friendship compels him to spill his guts. For the first time, and most likely the last, he simply talks. He doesn't shout, he doesn't demand, and he doesn't pretend.
Kid listens, albeit apprehensive at first, as Black*Star reveals years of pent up fears upon him.
He is scared. White*Star plagues his dreams, and he doesn't know how much longer he can keep this up. He tries. He works so hard to shove it down, but sometimes it takes him over. The madness wins some days, and Tsubaki is the only one who can bring him back. He is worn out. He doesn't want Tsubaki to have to live her life with someone constantly on the brink of insanity.
He doesn't want to walk the path of the demon.
After so many years, Kid knows Black*Star. He knows Black*Star is physically the strongest meister to ever graduate from Shibusen. He knows when times are tough, you can always count on Black*Star. He knows about the conflicted feelings his friend has about his blood. The power he would step into, if he only let go. Kid knows exactly what that feels like.
They’d clashed, but always been on the same side. That wouldn't always be the case.
Black*Star wanted to surpass God. Kid was God.
He knows that one day, Black*Star will try and kill him. It wasn't something of shock value anymore, he knew the day would come when Black*Star wanted to make good on his promise. Black*Star always kept his word. He just hoped that day was a long time off, for he did not want to take the life of one of his dearest friends.
When Black*Star finished, he took a deep breath and stared at the ceiling, and Kid was sure he was going to change back into the same goofy, exuberant child he first met almost 10 years ago. When Black*Star cleared his throat and looked at him with what looked like, but couldn't be, misty eyes, Kid knew those days were long over.
"What should I do?" Black*Star managed to croak out, his hands clenching into fists by his side.
Kid was awestruck. From his knowledge, Black*Star had never asked for advice, let alone about himself.
Kid had no idea how he was going to answer. He had never struggled with madness like his other friends had.
Soul had this problem, but he had Maka. Her anti-demon wavelength had subdued the black blood inside of him, and as long as they were together, he would be perfectly fine. And Kid knew with the certainty of a god, that they would always be together.
The blood inside Black*Star was not artificial, it was not placed there by a witch. The blood inside Black*Star that was making it so difficult on him was his own. That was the crux of it, Kid knew. It was Black*Stars blood, his alone, not his fathers.
Kid sighed, knowing he had taken long enough to answer,
"You are not your father, Black*Star. You will never be like your father, I know that as an undeniable fact."
If Black*Star would have been anyone but himself, he might have wept from the feeling of relief that crashed upon him. He had no idea how transcending it would feel to hear those words from another mouth. His words had blurred together after so long, and it lost all meaning.
Hearing Kid dispel his fears had given him a sense of acceptance and calm he hadn't felt for almost a decade.
Black*Star grinned, an expression Kid was much more comfortable with, inconspicuously wiping his eyes,
"Thanks, man! I really needed to hear that."
Kid nodded as he watched his friend leave the Death room, not bothering to answer. This was Black*Star, after all. No one would ever fully understand that man.
It didn't take more than three days for Black*Star to present Tsubaki with the ring. The band was silver, and the stone blue, Tsubaki's favorite color.
He didn't get down on one knee, but Tsubaki never expected him to. He grabs her hands and kisses her forehead gently,
"You know me, Tsu. You know some of my days are worse than others. There might not be a time when I'm not fighting this fucking madness. But I know that it's worse when you're not around, and I'm worse when you're not around. You're my Goddess and I need you by my side. What would you say if I asked you to marry me?"
Tsubaki smiled, the same one she wore in even the darkest of times, and slipped her fingers through his.
"I would ask what took you so long."