Work Text:
seungkwan had not been at his happiest lately. the sentence closest to the truth he could offer anyone out loud.
if he didn’t manage to avoid the topic as a point of conversation as a whole.
in truth he had been in his head all the time, the place he hated the most to be spending so much time in. cause this was always what it resulted in. him becoming aware of everything that was wrong with him, finding new things about himself that stained his perception of himself permanently everytime and reminded him of how he would never be enough, never be perfect.
“being perfect isn’t possible, you’re only human seungkwan.”
then why was his best friend perfect?
hansol seemed to be perfect. he was kind and understanding and never pressured seungkwan into anything and it was as if he could read his mind the way he helped him out when he was uncomfortable. and he was never too much for people. he knew when to be quiet and when to listen instead of talking. seungkwan was always too loud and always talking.
he found himself glaring at hansol from afar one day. and then the next day. and then the day after that. he was mad at him. mad that he was… so perfect.
so today, at their team meeting, he couldn’t help but glare at him again.
if he kept looking at him, picking apart all of his details with his eyes, he might find that fatal flaw that would make seungkwan feel less like he wasn’t worth as much as hansol, as if they might even be at eye level.
but there wasn’t one. hansol just kept nodding his head every few seconds when he deemed it necessary to signal to seungcheol that he was listening. oh right seungcheol was talking, very animatedly at that, standing in the middle of the room to get all of their attention. seungkwan supposed he should try to listen as well but it was as if his eyes were unable to move away.
hansol was sitting across from him on the couch, between their other friends, that all were better at listening apparently. his eyes were glued to the phone in his hands. his hands that seungkwan had held so often, maybe he would feel better if he held them right now, he couldn’t be mad at his friend if they were so close and engulfed in their usual habits, which would mean that this all consuming guilt about envying his best friend so much would disappear.
his eyes snapped up at hansol’s next nod. such a simple gesture, how did he manage to participate in their talk with such elegance? when seungkwan was participating somewhere the whole room would hear it loud and clear and someone would probably tell him to tone it down and if that wasn’t the case, he was still laying awake at night in regret about being so overbearing that no one thought they could tell him to be more quiet.
the hairstyle hansol was wearing was probably seungkwans favourite on him. it was parted in the middle and exposed a part of his forehead. almost hugging his eyebrows.
hansol’s face was so perfect it was incredibly infuriating. from the angle of his nose to his cheekbones and his stupid cupids bow. god his stupid lips, why was he still wearing gloss on them right now, his photo shoot had been hours ago.
his face was relaxed, maybe he was watching another cat video?
seungkwan kept on scrutinising him, somewhere had to be a flaw!
at that moment hansol looked up, not to seungcheol who was talking as passionately as ever, but to seungkwan. he must’ve felt his eyes on him.
seungkwan was sure his expression was somewhere between surprise and shock but hansol didn’t seem to mind, he met his eyes with the certainty he did everything with, and lifted the corners of his mouth to a soft smile.
oh fuck.
the guilt returned but this time for a different reason. it was the guilt he’d felt for the first time when he’d watched a wedding in a movie with his mother and sisters and he realized he would never want to marry that girl.
the guilt when he thought that boy in fifth grade was so much cuter than all of the girls.
the guilt he felt when the boy he liked more than he should’ve in high school, asked him if he “had a crush” on him “or something?” and he had to laugh it off, because he saw the apprehension in the boy’s eyes and his future career fading away if he ever said the truth.
the guilt everytime he talked with his guy friends about their crushes and he claimed he could relate.
the guilt everytime he talked with his girl friends about their crushes and he wished he couldn’t relate.
the guilt to his younger self that he had never been truly happy.
the face looking right at him in this moment has always been one that understood and comforted him. one that looked at him with love, platonic love. would he look at him like this if he knew the truth? would all the things they’ve shared over the years be lost cause he’d be exposed as a liar, an actor that had been playing his part and fooling them all? would the love just disappear like that?
hansol furrowed his brows when seungkwan didn’t smile back immediately and seungkwan forced his most convincing smile on his face just the blink of an eye later.
hansol’s concerned expression didn’t wear off and with a short look at seungcheol who hadn’t noticed what was going on between them, he stood up and went over to sit next to seungkwan on the ground. he didn’t look at seungkwan expectantly, waiting for an explanation. he just took seungkwans hand in his and held his phone up with the other hand so that both of them could look at the screen.
it was a cat video.