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When Hoongjoong came to, he felt untethered. His thoughts were sluggish and sticky, weighed down by the anaesthesia. His body seemed to belong to a stranger, all the nerves and muscles that normally responded to his commands in an instant frozen still. It did not bother him as much as it should.
His itchy nose, on the other hand, bothered him a lot and he scrunched it in discomfort. His limbs were still too heavy to move, let alone lift his hand from where it rested on the bed, and so the only thing left to do was breathe heavily and hope for the uncomfortable feeling to pass.
In the meantime, he tried to open his eyes. They were crusty from sleep and Hoongjoong’s head spun as he was confronted by the bright clinical ceiling lights, but he let his gaze drift through the room nonetheless. It slid across the white walls and the cameras until it landed on the beds beside his own.
Next to the wall, he could make out Yunho sleeping soundly, his dark hair fluffed across the pillow and body hidden underneath the thin blanket they had all been handed by the staff. On the bed closer to Hoongjoong’s own, Seonghwa was resting. The eldest was breathing deeply, his chest rising and falling almost dramatically, and his hands were resting on his chest.
Distantly aware that they were being filmed, Hoongjoong remembered that Seonghwa had been the one that had protested his idea to make their health checkup into an episode of Wanteez the loudest. I don’t think it’s a good idea, he had said. It’s unsafe and no one else is doing it. It will be too new.
But that is exactly the point, Hoongjoong had argued, a little proud of himself. It was new and had a lot of potential to end up being funny. Maybe their funniest episode yet. And as he thought back to the filming they had already done, he had to admit that he had been right. At the very least, Wooyoung’s anger and Mingi’s pride would end up as highlights of the episode.
Already looking forward to the shenanigans the two other older members would get up to, Hoongjoong once again fixed Seonghwa with a taunting look. Just wait until you wake up, he grinned.
And then he noticed the tears trailing down Seonghwa’s pale cheeks.
~~~
Seonghwa was drifting through a seemingly endless fog of grey. There was nothing to hold on to, only this endless nothingness that surrounded him completely, and while this might have been concerning at any other time, he felt strangely content. After all, the lightness in his chest was such a stark contrast to the way he had not been able to sleep properly in over a month, that the fog could have turned out to be poisonous and Seonghwa still would not have cared.
The preparations for their most recent comeback had been difficult. Seonghwa had been having trouble with both the choreography and the rap – rap! – he had been assigned and as if the feeling of being left behind was not enough, the nagging thought at the back of his head had stolen any chance at restful sleep from him.
He did not want to put a name to it, because he was sure that once he did, it would become stronger, would become a problem he would have to deal with. And so he let it fester at the back of his mind, in a corner of his heart, without acknowledging it or the side effects it caused.
And there were many. Side effects. Seonghwa, usually known to love food, had been unable to stomach a full meal for months, let alone sleep for more than two hours uninterrupted. He had become jittery and slow. He had drifted apart from the members, unable to meet their eyes. He had a headache all the time.
But it did not exist and it was not a problem and so Seonghwa went on as usual, ignoring the concerned glances the members send his way more often than not.
Right now, though. Right now, Seonghwa felt deliciously heavy and light at the same time. More comfortable than he had in weeks. And that was how he came to discover exactly why he had been keeping so busy, why he had not wanted to give himself the time to think - because now that he was left unguarded and vulnerable, now that he felt so light and carefree, the thought came back to drive its sharp claws into his mind with surprising force.
Seonghwa wanted to scream with the pain it made him feel but he was too tired to move and so his mouth stayed shut. Something wet trickled down his face and his limbs were too heavy to brush it away.
“Seonghwa-yah”, a tentative voice asked from somewhere far away. It echoed, in the fog. “Are you awake?”
Seonghwa wanted to answer, wanted to ask the voice for help. But there was no space for that. He was filled with the nameless thought and it seemed to be determined to make him suffer for all the times he had ignored it. His heart clenched in sorrow and longing, and his throat was tight with hurt. It made it hard to breathe.
“Seonghwa-yah”, the voice asked again. “You need to calm down.”
And then, something touched his cheek. A chaste brush of skin against skin, barely allowing him to feel the other person’s warmth. Still, it was enough.
With a sharp intake of air, Seonghwa shot up from the bed. His head swam with the sudden movement and the – he remembered now – remnants of the anaesthesia, but his eyes were clear enough to make out Hoongjoong’s concerned face staring at him from his right. The leader’s arms were braced on Seonghwa’s bed, his eyebrows furrowed and much too close, making Seonghwa scoot backwards clumsily.
“You okay”, Hoongjoong asked carefully, leaning back until he stood up to his full – albeit still short – height and crossed his arms in front of his chest. Only then did Seonghwa notice the salty tears itching against the sensitive skin of his face and he quickly wiped them away.
“Yeah”, he answered and hated how shaky and weak his voice sounded.
“It doesn’t look like it”, Hoongjoong ploughed on and Seonghwa internally cursed his inability to let something go. As a leader, this might be a useful quality but he had never liked it directed at himself.
“I’m okay”, Seonghwa said, more strongly this time, and busied himself with straightening the folds in his blanket. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest.
“Don’t pretend”, Hoongjoong spat and turned slightly away from him. Something tugged painfully at Seonghwa’s chest. “You need to tell me these things. It affects the group.”
“It’s not affecting the group”, Seonghwa replied, maybe a bit too snippy. He normally did not get angry easily, but Hoongjoong’s words hurt. The leader was being unfair. “I’m dealing with it.”
“Obviously you’re not”, Hoongjoong shouted, turning back around. His shoulders were tense and his eyes glittered with frustration. Seonghwa wanted to duck his head in apology but stayed strong. “You’ve been off for weeks now and it’s affecting the group. Not to mention our comeback preparations! Just look at what happened today, do you think we can use any of this footage for the episode? This scene for sure is ruined!”
Hoongjoong was breathing heavily. Seonghwa, on the other hand, felt himself go completely still. A flash of doubt shot across his mind. Maybe Hoongjoong was right. Maybe he really did need to pull himself together. After all, he was the oldest. He was supposed to care for the others. And if his own feelings, no matter how much they hurt, impacted their work negatively, he was holding the other members back.
Yes, he thought, Hoongjoong was right. He would need to work even harder to push the thought away. He would need to step up during practice, even though he was tired from the lack of sleep and his body hurt. They were all tired after all.
Suddenly unable to look his leader in the eyes, Seonghwa stumbled to his feet. Ignoring how the ground swayed beneath him, he made his way towards the door, barely even acknowledging that Yunho, lying on the bed closest to the door, was watching him with sad eyes.
For a moment, he thought he heard a voice calling after him, but it got drowned out by the sound of the door falling shut behind him.
~~~
“Well”, Yunho sighed as he heaved himself upright, “that could have been handled a lot better.”
Hoongjoong, who had been staring at the closed door, turned towards him. “What do you mean?”
He already knew, of course. That he had probably overwhelmed Seonghwa, who had just woken up from anaesthesia. That he might even have been a bit insensitive. But he did not regret what he had said. It had been necessary.
For months now, Seonghwa had been off. He could not put his finger on what exactly was wrong, but the eldest had seemed cold and distant. When watching him stumble during practice or cough during vocal recordings, Hoongjoong had worried the comeback was proving too stressful. More than once he had wanted to approach the other, but something in his eyes, almost disappearing beneath his dark circles, had held him back. He had been worried.
And even though he had maybe not expressed his worry accurately, he had still acted from a place of friendship and concern.
“Seriously”, Yunho interrupted his thoughts. “Why on earth would you scold him? He’d just woken up, not to mention he had been crying. Who does that?”
“Wait”, Hoongjoong immediately defended himself. “I didn’t scold him. I was being perfectly reasonable.”
Right?
“Reasonable my ass”, Yunho growled and threw off the thin blanket. It landed in a heap on the floor, right next to Seonghwa’s. “Sometimes you’re awfully slow for being our leader.”
The taller member strode towards him and only stopped when he stood directly in front of Hoongjoong, pointing his finger at the smaller one’s chest. “You were being mean. You hurt him. Apologise.”
And with that, he turned around and left Hoongjoong behind.
~~~
“Hyung, where are you going”, someone called but Seonghwa paid them no heed. His head was a warzone and the outer world stood no chance against the relentless fighting that was going on inside him.
“Hyung!”
Seonghwa swallowed. He was filled with so much guilt that it collected in his stomach, making him feel heavy and disgusting. Had he really disappointed his members? How could he not have noticed? After all, Seonghwa reminded himself, he had already known he was the weak link years ago and had promised himself he would do his utmost to not fall behind. He was simply not as good a singer as Jongho or Wooyoung nor as good a rapper as Hoongjoong and Mingi. He also was not as handsome as Yunho, Yeosang or San.
He was just him. Awkward and lanky Seonghwa, with his geeky lego pieces and too-long hair. And now he had broken his promise to himself.
“Hyung”, the voice said again and this time he recognised that it belongs to Wooyoung who was currently grabbing his arm with pleading eyes. “Where are you going? We’re still filming?”
And oh, Seonghwa scolded, he would need to add that to the list of things he had messed up.
“I thought Hoongjoong said something about it being finished”, he mumbled. Not exactly a lie. Ruined, Hoongjoong had said.
“Really”, Wooyoung asked, suspicious. He had always been a smart kid.
“Yeah”, Seonghwa assured him. Internally, he felt like screaming, like smashing one of the pretty vases lining the hospital’s windowsill. They looked fragile, just as his heart felt. He wanted them to break like it too.
“Are you okay, hyung”, Wooyoung asked carefully, his face open and earnest. For all his shenanigans, Wooyoung could be incredibly caring. Normally, Seonghwa would be touched by it, but now it only made traitorous tears well up in his eyes. He turned away.
“Of course”, he lied. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
It was quiet for a while and then Wooyoung said tentatively: “I’m really sorry, hyung.”
Seonghwa’s head snapped up.
“For what”, he asked bewildered.
“For cursing at you earlier”, Wooyoung admitted, his gaze lowered sheepishly, shuffling his feet. “I really didn’t mean it.”
“You don’t have to apologise”, Seonghwa promised, his heart soft. No matter how much pain he was in, he would always feel protective of his members. He clapped Wooyoung’s shoulder. “This has nothing to do with that. I promise.”
“So there is something wrong”, Wooyoung exclaimed. “You can talk to me, hyung! I promise I’ll listen without making fun of you. I’ll try to help!”
“Not this time”, Seonghwa interrupted, smiling ruefully.
~~~
The next weeks were confusing. Hoongjoong was stuck in between the feeling of heavy guilt and a strange sense of righteousness when thinking back to his fight with Seonghwa. He certainly had not meant to hurt the older member and his heart clenched at the thought, but at the same time, he was convinced that something had to have been done.
His interactions with the older member over these few weeks were a reflection of his inner state. Sometimes, when he passed Seonghwa in the hallway or ran into him in the dorm’s kitchen, he wanted to approach him. In those moments, Hoongjoong tried to swallow his nerves and apologise. Other times, when he stared at Seonghwa’s back during dance practice or tried to chase him down to discuss their schedule, he was gripped by such an intense feeling of injustice and frustration, that he simply ignored the other. Sometimes, he would even be irresponsibly cold towards him and make mean comments that he would come to regret later.
But the most curious thing about the situation was the behaviour of the other members. While Yunho had already given voice to his disappointment in the leader and, upon finding out that Hoongjoong had not yet apologised, continued to treat him with obvious disapproval, Wooyoung had become downright protective of Seonghwa and hostile towards him.
Whenever Hoongjoong came too close, he would step into his way, sometimes even growl at him. And where Wooyoung went, San followed. On some days, the two younger members made it impossible to talk to Seonghwa even about work and Hoongjoong grew increasingly frustrated. They had not even been there for the fight. Did they simply believe Seonghwa’s side of the story without asking him first?
He was even more surprised by Yeosang. While the visual was most often quiet to the point that he was unaware of what was going on around him, Hoongjoong felt even his eyes rest inquisitively on him whenever he and Seonghwa were in the same room.
He remembered a particular evening when he had wanted to take a shower and had noticed soft noises coming out of the bathroom. As he had gone to check, he had seen Seonghwa, hunched over the bathroom sink with tears streaming down his eyes. Behind him, Wooyoung had hovered, his hand rhythmically stroking across Seonghwa’s back in an attempt to calm him down.
Before Hoongjoong could have even decided whether or not to intrude, Yeosang had appeared at the door and, with a decisive look, had closed the door in his face.
It all felt very unfair, really.
Because while the members seemed to judge him without hearing him out, Hoongjoong continued to work until late at night, the others already home. And against their beliefs, his heart hurt at seeing Seonghwa suffer. He wanted nothing more than to fix whatever was between them, but the mixture of his hurt pride and the members' hostility made it impossible.
And so it all came down to this:
Hoongjoong came home after an especially long day of working in the studio only to find all other seven members curled up on the couch, watching a movie without him. They looked happy. They had not even bothered to invite him. At the same time, his head hurt from the many hours he had spent staring at his computer screen and he had not eaten all day.
He exploded.
“What is this”, he hissed, dimly aware of how furious he sounded, of how furious he felt. Rationally, he knew that, especially with his role as a leader, he needed to calm down before addressing the situation. But he was just so sick of this.
With a nonchalant gaze towards him, Mingi turned off the TV and sighed. Next to him, San crossed his arms.
“What do you mean, hyung”, Wooyoung asked cockily, one of his perfect eyebrows lifted mockingly. Next to him, Seonghwa seemed to hunch into himself and sink deeper into the cushions.
“This”, Hoongjoong pressed through his clenched teeth. “All of you, closing me off without good reason while I work myself to the bone for this group.”
“We didn’t –“, San started to protest but Hoongjoong ignored him.
“You taking his side without even asking for my side of the story. Do you even really know what happened? Huh? What kind of lies has he been telling you to make all of you hate me this much? I really should – “
“Yah.” To all their surprise, it was Jongho that finally interrupted him, eyes narrowed and hands stemmed into his sides. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but you need to calm down, hyung. No one is ignoring you. And while no one is saying that you do not put in a lot of work for this group, it’s not as if we sit around all day doing nothing.”
At the maknae’s words, Hoongjoong started to deflate. Just a little. Maybe he had overreacted, he thought. Maybe, he was a lot more tired than he had admitted to himself. But he was still right.
“And Seonghwa-hyung has told us nothing.”
At that, Hoongjoong’s anger started to flare up again.
“You expect me to believe that? That you all just started hating me because, what? He looked a bit sad?”
“Yah!” Wooyoung.
“Hyung, you should watch it.” Yunho.
“I really don’t think this is going anywhere.” Mingi.
“Stop”, called Seonghwa through the mess of voices, breathing heavily. At once, all of the members fell silent. “Stop fighting! I’m not mad because of our disagreement and no one is taking any side. This has nothing to do with any of the other members, so stop shouting at them.”
“Then what is it about”, Hoongjoong asked confusedly. Next to him, Wooyoung sighed in frustration.
“I like you, you absolute idiot”, Seonghwa shouted and then immediately blushed bright red. The room was so silent, you could have heard a pin drop. Then, Yeosang started to chuckle.
“We know”, he giggled, his eyes knowing and kind. “It’s been ridiculous watching you trying to hide it.”
“Really”, Seonghwa stuttered, wringing his hands nervously in front of him. Hoongjoong, on the other hand, could do nothing but stare, his mind for once completely blank.
“What”, he stammered intelligently, watching the way his members’ eyes widened with mirth.
“The only person more oblivious than you is our captain, it seems”, Jongho laughed and patted Hoongjoong on the back. “I think it’s time for us to leave.”
“But the fun part hasn’t even started”, Wooyoung pouted while San steered him out of the room.
“That’s exactly the point”, he whispered, followed by Yeosang who gave Seonghwa a knowing look. When the door closed behind them, Seonghwa and Hoongjoong were engulfed by silence.
~~~
Seonghwa could have kicked himself. The feeling that he had worked so hard to keep at bay, that he had sworn to himself he would never tell, had been revealed in the blink of an eye. There was no going back now, he knew, and it killed him. Had he ruined their relationship as a group? His friendship with Hoongjoong?
Just admitting that he harboured feelings for another boy was scandalous enough in their profession but for a member… It was unthinkable. Impossible. They all knew that. And Hoongjoong, especially as the leader, would never allow it. Would Seonghwa need to move out of the dorm? Would he have to leave the band?
“So”, Hoongjoong said and Seonghwa flinched at the suddenness of his voice.
“So”, he whispered back and hated that he could not even lift his head to look at the other. His insides were frozen with fear and he knew that if he faced his leader head on he would splinter into a thousand pieces.
“I just –“ Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hoongjoong run his hand nervously through his hair. It looked so soft. “I want to say I’m really sorry, first.”
“What”, Seonghwa breathed, his head snapping up. Instead of the disgust and fear he had expected to find, he saw only guilt in Hoongjoong’s eyes. “I shouldn’t have scolded you so much back at the set. It was insensitive and I’m sorry.”
“That’s –“, Seonghwa started.
“And for the last few weeks as well”, Hoongjoong continued. “I’ve been impossible and should have apologised sooner. I guess I was just – tired? Overworked? I know it’s no excuse, but this comeback has been really hard on me, on all of us. Still, I should have taken better care of you, as the leader.”
Hoongjoong stepped a bit closer, a wry smile pulling at his lips.
“Forgive me?”
And who was Seonghwa to deny him? He nodded mutely, still dazed because of how different their conversation was from how he had imagined it.
“And”, Hoongjoong said and suddenly sounded a lot less sure of himself. “You have … feelings? For me?”
“Yes”, Seonghwa whispered and it felt a lot like admitting to a crime. The weight of his words settled on his shoulders like stone and he took an unconscious step back. “But I will deal with it. I won’t let it affect the band.”
“You –“, Hoongjoong started and then sighed. Slowly, he shuffled closer. “Hey, Seonghwa-yah, look at me.”
As Seonghwa raised his head, he was greeted by a tentative smile and glittering eyes. His heart skipped a beat.
“Of course, you should decide what's best for you. But I would like to give this a try.”
“This”, Seonghwa asked slowly. Using his fingers hidden inside the long sleeves of his hoodie, he pinched at the soft skin between them. Ouch. Definitely not a dream then.
“Us”, Hoongjoong confirmed, and his smile was a lot wider now, his white teeth showing. “I’ve been having a crush on you for like, forever, hyung. You’d make me very happy if you said yes.”
“You - what”, Seonghwa squawked and was sure his mouth was hanging open in shock. His stomach was doing somersaults.
“Of course”, Hoongjoong confirmed, ever so patient. He was now close enough that Seonghwa could feel the heat radiating from his body, could smell the lemony scent of his shampoo. His heart beat so fast he worried he might faint. “Can I kiss you?”
As Seonghwa nodded, he could have sworn he heard a whoop of laughter sounding from the other side of the closed living room door.