Chapter Text
The sound of a vaccum could be heard throughout the flat, Higuchi was cleaning around the messy room. Clothes everywhere, the coffee table full of random items. A somewhat annoyed voice pipes up.
"Can you stop doing that"
Higuchi halts and looks at the source of the voice. Dazai, who currently looks like a mess pointing at the vaccum and looking at Higuchi.
"Well you wouldn't want people seeing it like this would you?"
She gestures to the messy room
"It's not very clean"
Dazai looks at her only slightly ticked off, then said-
"Well, I wouldn't want people seeing it at all. I mean the inside of my colon's probably not very clean but I wouldn't want a woman going in there with a feather duster"
He pauses for a moment and thinks looking up with a raised eybrow. Before responding:
"No I wouldn't"
Higuchi turns away to continue vaccuming the other parts of the flat
"Listen cleaner"
Dazai says going to follow her when she turns around, she held up the end of the vaccum at him threateningly and he leans away a bit, confused
"Told you" she sings
"I'm not just a cleaner, the names Higuchi"
Dazai looks at her slightly baffled
"Oh right" he says sarcastically as she turns away from the brunette to continue vaccuming the floor around the L shaped sofa. He goes to step closer again
"I'll remember that when the police arrest you for breaking and entering"
He looks at the mess of broken objects around them, following again as she walks off behind the sofa
"actually, entering and breaking" he stops and points at a broken item before following again
"Your friend said he left a message"
Higuchi says as she pauses her actions, hand on hip, with the sound of the vaccum going in the background still.
"Uh, Odasaku's my best mate, if this flat was for sale"
He gestures to the surrounding area
"I think he'd be telling me to my face" Dazai says confidently, he points at himself to further his statement to Higuchi
"Don't you?" He finishes
"Well, why don't you check" Higuchi replies nodding at him slightly
"Because I don't need to, I know I'm right"
He replies confidently
Higuchi motions to the phone on the table behind the sofa while making a small noise
"Alright I will" Dazai says, again very confident he is correct
He goes to press the button to check for a message and the phone lets out a beep
"Hi Dazai, It's Oda. There's something I need to ta-"
The phone relays the message before getting cut off by Dazai quickly pressing the button to speed up the message
"We don't need to hear it all" he says loudly, avoiding him being proved wrong
Higuchi stands there, hand still on hip and looking at him with her eyebrow raised and a small smile on her face
The message fasts forward and Dazai stops it near the end, him now standing with both hands on hips
"Anyway I'll pop round at some point. See you later"
"Oh! By the way, I've decided to sell the flat so a cleaner will be"
Dazai's hand shoots to the button to stop the message, trying to keep his composure
"See. He thinks you're a cleaner" he says quickly pointing as Higuchi almost as a distraction from his humiliation
She tilts her head for a moment and giving a fake teethy grin, a sour look on her face.
Dazai is sat at the bar with Oda at his side, he looks at Oda with a sour look
"By the way, if you find out one of my relatives has died don't worry about telling me to my face just text me"
He says bitterly to his friend.
Oda turns and looks at him slightly confused as Dazai goes to drinks from the cup he has been swirling in his hand.
"I've been telling you for weeks I'm selling it"
Dazai puts the cup back down before he was able to sip from it
"No, you said you were releasing equity from your property" he turns to look at Oda
"Yeah, well now you've got a new nickname. Equity" he looks away and drinks from his glass
Dazai gets slightly closer to him before looking the other way in disbelief, he looks back at Oda.
"So, when are the estate agents coming around?"
He asks
"Oh, I'm not using one. You're gonna have to show people round" he blinks and looks at Dazai
"Why?" He asks genuinely
"Did you hear what the average estate agent here made in the last financial year?"
He says looking at Dazai seriously
"No I'm waiting for the film to come out" Dazai replies sarcastically
"So where am I supposed to live?" He continues, looking at Oda somewhat annoyed with his friend, not that he could ever truly be angry with him...
"I dunno. I can't just keep a flat on because it's a refuge for my feckless, moody, teenage mate"
"Feckless?"
Dazai says agitated
"I've got plenty of feck, thank you very much"
Odasaku takes another drink from his cup before placing it down again
"Should have heard me fecking this morning, when I found out your selling the fecking flat!"
Dazai looks away slightly before speaking up again
"Can't you just sell your place and move back in with me?" He asks hopefully
"No."
Oda looks down
"That flat's got too many bad memories, especially now Agatha's gone to America. It's a place full of pain and misery" Oda says seriously, a face of sadness on show
"I dunno, Disneyland's alright" Dazai replies looking at his cup of whiskey and poking at the ball of ice while thinking.
Dazai suddenly quickly looks up at Oda and says impulsively:
"I'll buy it"
Oda looks at him surprised
"Sorry?"
"I'll buy it" Dazai repeats with a nod of his head toward Oda
Oda still in disbelief replies
"You'll buy what?"
"I'll buy the flat" Dazai days with another nod of his head
Theres a moment of silence between the two, Oda still processing
"You'll buy the flat?"
"Are we stuck in some sort of loop here?"
Dazai points at him and moves his finger in a circle to further his words.
"Yes... I'll buy the flat"
Oda looks down at the table
"I think your mixing up 'flat' and 'sherbet dip' again."
Oda says and looks away to drink from his glass while Dazai gets closer and blinks once at him before speaking again.
"I'm serious. How much are you selling it for?" He pushes
"¥120,000000" Oda states
"I'll give you 1,100"
Oda leans back and says sarcastically
"Oh, sorry I didn't mean to say 1,200 I meant to say 1,300"
He finished putting emphasis on the '1,300'
"All right, I'll give you 1,300"
"Wow! You drive a hard bargain" Oda says with fake enthusiasm but a real smile toward his friend
"Come on, let me buy it. Or is there some rule about 'Moody teenagers' owning property in the portlands?" He makes air quotations for the words earlier stated to him
"Not as such, no. It's just sort of a given" he says looking off infront of him
"Come on, Odasaku, give me a chance. I love that flat"
He looks away before continuing
"I look out over the river in the morning and think, 'at last, I've made something of my life' "
He pauses again
"I remember when I was a kid on the estate, the rich kids would drive past-"
"All right, Ken Loach, Leave it out" Oda cuts him off
"Look, apply for a mortgage and we'll see what happens, But..."
He turns to Dazai and continues in a serious tone
"Until you've got everything sorted, the place stays on the market"
Dazai nods suddenly hopeful
"And make sure you show people around properly, or the deal is off" he asks before going back for another sip from the cup
"Come on, Odasaku, we're best mates. What do you take me for?" Dazai replies and looks away, both drinking from their glasses.
"If you've come to buy heroin, you're at the wrong flat. Try next door" Dazai says to the lady standing outside the door to the flat as it opens. He gives her a flat smile.
Dazai is knelt in front of the oven with a guy interested in buying the flat, looking inside he says
"Can't lie, it doesn't work brilliantly. Apparently it took the previous owner almost eight hours to kill himself, how sad"
The guy looked at him concerned and confused
He opens to door to a young couple, the outside of the door covered in 'crime scene do not enter' tape. He smiles at them and lifts it up for them to enter by ducking under.
"Would you like to see the kitchen?" He says confidently to another couple, wearing nothing but a top hat and strolling to the kitchen while they looked at each other horrified.
Oda and a youger boy with auburn hair and heterochromatic eyes were sat outside on the balcony in the back yard having tea.
The younger shook his head at Oda while he went to sip his tea, he stopped and said
"What?"
"I can't believe you don't trust an estate agent to show people round, but you trust your squatter"
He said leaning back in his chair
Oda set his cup down and crossed his arms
"I think he prefers 'tenant'."
The other raises a questioning eyebrow at him
"Alright he's a bit light on the rent some months"
The younger lowers his head and looks up at him
"Alright, most months... Alright squatter"
He gives in to the others glares
"You've never even met him, he's alright. Really. And he has got a steady job, don't forget"
Oda points an index finger at him wothout uncrossing his arms
The other shakes his head and speaks
"He's not going to be able to afford that sort of mortgage from working at a cafe, part time even"
"He'll just have to start selling a lot more cakes"
"He'd have to sell hundreds and thousands" The younger replies in disbelief
"He does"
"Not the topping..." He shakes his head
"Look-"
The boys phone starts ringing
He digs through his bag looking for it while the neighbour gives the two a dirty look from over the fence and Oda awkwardly smiles and looks away, he finds the phone and answers
"Oh, hi... No, I've not left yet, I'm at my brother's actually... Yeah. I'm just staying with him for a while... Oh I don't know, six months max"
Oda looks up at him with a shocked and dumbfounded expression on his face
The younger goes through some paper that was on the table.
"Yup, I'll just have a look... Hang in I'll just put you on speaker for a second..."
The phone was put on speaker and immediately an agitated voice came through
"...kin' speaker phones. They're too bloody echoey. It sounds like some toss-pot has got his head in a bucket"
Their neighbour again looks at them from her flowers, Oda had an embarrassed look on his face
"Mind you, if you look like that tosser David Hubbard, thats probably not a bad idea, the ugly motherf-"
The youger finishes with the papers and switches speaker off mid-rant
"Actually, can I give you a call back later?" he says as he hangs up
Oda leans over the table towards him
"Do you have to do that so early?" He whispers
"Well you know what the early bird catches don't you?"
"Yeah, tourettes by the sound of it.." He catches eye contact with the neighbour again
"Hmmmm, exactly what mortgage are you after?"
"Well it's for a, uh, a... You know, a flat... I don't understand the question."
Dazai says lost
"Endownment? Offset? Re-payment?"
"Yep" Dazai nods still confused
The man on the opposite end of the table looks at him with a raised eyebrow
"Ye- a- that was a choice"
"Oh. What was the last one?"
"Repayment"
"Is there a type where you don't have to repay then?"
The man straightens up in his chair before flipping through the binder in front of him
"So you're a barista, I'm not quite sure how you propose to meet the repayments with this sort of income."
"Well... I've got other jobs I do in the quiet periods"
"O- oh oh yes, I see your a proofreader" He says looking down and reading the paper
"Yep"
"You've spelt 'proof' wrong"
Dazai swallowed nervously
"Oh, have I?" He looks down at the paper
"It's my day off" he flashes an awkward smile
"You've written, poof reader"
"I'm like a psychic for gay people" he smiles again
"Yes, I'm not sure we can offer you a mortgage today, sir"
"I could come back tomorrow if that'd help?"
"You're the psychic, you tell me." The man says gesturing to Dazai
"Why, are you-" "no."
"So no luck then?" Oda says
"Nope. I even tried the dodgier places like Mortgage busters"
"Who?"
"You know, they've got that ad with the elephant punching the guy dressed as a county court judgement. They're all saying the same thing,. I cant afford the repayments"
"Course you know what you need don't you? A flatmate paying you rent. They'd give you a mortgage then"
Dazai gave him a side-eye before hearing him out
"A nice young guy, perhaps?"
Dazai rolls his eyes
"Single, Ginger, Attractive? 5ft 3, or whatever"
Dazai looks over at him before looking away again.
"Brighten the place up, wouldn't it?"
Dazai nods a little before Oda continued
"Nice, cozy evenings in front of the TV"
"Nice romantic comedy" Dazai half joked
"Crack open a bottle of wi- no you hate that, whiskey"
"Get them pissed an-"
"Yeah, all right!... Thats my... Thats my point"
Oda looks down at his glass and Dazai looks away still gloomy
"I dunno"
"Come on, you shared before with Ango. Remember how much more satisfying it is to sit around and be messy all day knowing at some point someone would be appalled by it?"
He smiles as Dazai started thinking again
"Yeah but Ango was laid-back, calm, easy-going. Where will I find someone like that?"
"No you get stuffed! You don't want Hubbard, you don't want Manning, or Jackson! Well I tell you what I don't want this contract!" He slams the phone down on the table in the restaurant
"Calm down, phone me after lunch. And no more nobbing speaker phone, I told you, you sound like you're shouting at me from inside Courtney Love's C-"
He quickly hangs up before anyone heard it around them "sorry"
"It's alright, perfectly understandable"
They started chatting until the youger caught onto him
"Homemaker mixing bowl" he chuckled
"You are really, really funny"
"Whaddya want?!" The younger said with a strict voice
"How'd you mean?"
"Whenever you complement me, you want something. When I was five, you told me I had nice nostrils so I wouldn't tell dad you were smoking behind the bike shed"
"Come on lets not deny our middle-class upbringing. It was actually a Panatela under the lavender gazebo"
They both drink from their glasses
"Dazai seems to be sorting himself out with the flat buying, in fact he tells me he's looking for a flatmate so he can afford the mortgage"
"Its a beautiful place, some lucky person will be landing on their feet there"
His brother leans back in his chair and scoffs
"I see"
"What?"
"You don't want me living with you anymore"
"Chuuya, you're family... Of course I don't" He says honestly
Chuuya looks at him with a sad look
"It's a lovely flat, close to your office, and you can prove your right about the 'squatter' not showing people around properly"
"Well he's hardly gonna do that while I'm there!"
"Well don't tell him your my brother! He hasn't met you has he? He'll laugh about it when he finds out"
"How funny will that be?"
Chuuya looks at him disturbed
"That funny eh? And look on the bright side, he's rougher round the edges than me" Oda says happily
A knock is heard on the door to the flat and it quickly opens to the brunet holding a mallet up
"Little Bugger! I almost had it that time and it jumped up and ran away again"
Chuuya looks at him concerned before speaking
"Hi, I'm Chuuya. A friend of a friend said you were renting a room?" He said looking between Dazai and the Mallet
"Renting? Oh, I thought you were here to buy" he puts the mallet down
"Dont worry its not for sale, I'm buying it"
"So it's not for sale but you're buying it?"
"Yeah"
He looks up and nods one in the others direction
Chuuya looks at him again his speech paused in amusement at how stupid this introductuon was.
"Glad thats cleared up then"
"It's just a question of crossing the I's and dotting the T's" Dazai responds
"You don't dot T's" Chuuya replied still taken aback
Dazai pauses for a moment, both looking at eachother as if staring into eachothers souls
"Yeah but you can cross your eyes" Dazai says with his eyebrows raised
Chuuya pauses again and looks at him, frozen in place with a worried look on his face, most likely for him putting himself in this situation.
Dazai crosses his eyes for a moment before resuming looking at Chuuya
"So uh, what did you think of the bedroom?"
Dazai says walking into the living space of the flat with Chuuya ahead of him
Chuuya looks down and around at the messy space
"Yeah, fine"
He replies stopping behind the sofa and turning to look at Dazai before continuing
"I always thought cat swinging was overrated anyway" He says as he makes his way around the left of the sofa while Dazai stood still
"Don't worry about all this by the way, we've got a smashing cleaner" Dazai says gesturing to the messy room
"Literally"
He says before walking around the sofa
"So, what's the monthly rental?"
Dazai stops and thinks for a bit, considering his answer
"Er, well I was thinking about, uh... Actually just for a laugh, guess"
He says unable to think a price up
"Uh, 120,000?-" "125,000, very good"
Dazai cuts him off
"Does that include utilities?"
"Uh yeah, and gas and electric"
Chuuya pauses again before speaking
"Right well, providing we can have a trial for a week, I'll take it"
"Well I suppose I should interview you first, really"
"Okay"
They both sit on the sofa
"So uh... You got any refrences?"
"No"
"Right, I think thats pretty much everything. When can you move in?"
Chuuya gives him a stupid look
Higuchi stops cleaning when she hears a knock on the door. She looks at it then goes to open it to Chuuya standing on the other side
"Hi, I'm Chuuya, the new tenant"
"What the hell is going on?" Higuchi says with a shaky voice
"I'm the new tenant" she finishes the bad joke
Chuuya looks at the woman with a dumbfounded look oh his face
"Sorry, I always misjudge practical jokes" she laughs a little
"Come in"
Chuuya steps in with two suitcases
"Dazai's just popped to the bank yeah?" Higuchi says to him as he's placing the cases on the floor
"Cup of tea?"
"Thanks" Chuuya says tiredly
"Kitchen's through there" Higuchi gestures with her thumb
Chuuya looks ahead for a moment amused before stepping further in and taking his leather jacket off. Higuchi goes to lift a suitcase but stops halfway and goes to walk off as Dazai comes through the door.
"Well, well, well?"
"What?"
"Hm?" Higuchi gestures to Chuuya over her shoulder and folding her arms
"He's arrived has he?"
"He's rather attractive isn't he?" Higuchi looks Dazai up and down before meeting his eyes again with a knowing glare and smirk
"Strictly a business arrangement. I don't care if he looks like John McCririck's tits"
Higuchi puffs her cheeks out and looks away with a disgusted face
"Even for me that was too much" Dazai says as they both look at eachother again
"Did you get the mortgage?"
"Let's say it's looking a lot more promising, say hello to the soon to be new owner of this flat"
A young boy appears in the open doorway of the flat behind Dazai and Higuchi looks at him happily
"Hi!"
Dazai turns confused and looks back and forth between the two
"Not him"
He takes the newspaper oit of his hands and shoos him away
"Go. It's not yours"
He places the paper down on the side table and takes his jacket off
"Well, I think it's about time to say hello to the new tenant"
"Mm"
They both start walking to the kitchen
"Not you" he shoos her away
"Oh!" She scurries off to continue 'cleaning'
Chuuya looks up at him from the glass he was cleaning "Hi"
"Oh no need to do that, we have a cleaner to break those. Do you want a hand with the rest of your bags?"
Chuuya goes to put the cup away
"I've done it"
"Is that it?"
Chuuya leans on the island "I've learnt to keep things to a minimum. I spend most of my life living out of a suitcase"
"Me too"
"Travel a bit, do you?"
"No, just never lived in a suitcase"
They both look at eachother awkwardly
"The jokes are free by the way"
"Oh well, I suppose you get what you pay for"
Dazai looks at him awkwardly a bit longer before going to run to the fridge "ooh!"
"Champagne? Seeing how it's your first night"
"Oh, thats very sweet" Chuuya replies
"Oh, is it?" Dazai turns the bottle to look at it before looking back and thinking
"Oh, I see"
"But I'm afraid I have an early start tomorrow, lots to do. Better keep a clear head"
Dazai steps forward
"You sure?"
"Oh I suppose one glass won't kill me"
He gives in
"Exactly! Unless it got smashed and you got stabbed with one of the shards..."
Chuuya looks at him concerned
"I suppose the chances of that happening are pretty slim"
A glass shattering can be heard from around the corner of the kitchen
"Sorry!"
They both look at eachother for a moment
"So, um... Where do you keep your champagne flutes?" Chuuya looks at the cabinets
"I decided to keep them in Debenhams" he gives a small chuckle
Dazai taps his fingers on the bottle looking down at the messy island, he stops and picks up two mugs
"Shall we?"
They both make they're way to the living room
"So uh, you've been living abroad for ten years?"
"Yeah"
"What business are you in?"
They sit down on the sofa
"Headhunting"
Dazai pauses to think
"Where were you, Borneo?" He looks at the other confused
"In Paris. I used to recruit executives for the commodities sector, but now I've come back home to set up my own business"
Chuuya finishes and leans forward, crossing his legs, Dazai follows his movements, eyes glued to Chuuya's thighs
"So, what do you do with yourself?"
"What?" He looks back up to meet the others eyes "oh, refreshment commodities... Place...
Mainly in the caffeinated sector..."
He looks up from where his eyes were trained on the floor
"So no girlfriend then?... Or boyfriend I wont judge"
"You sound like my dad"
"Why is he from the port?" He stops and thinks for a moment
"Oh, I see" he chuckles a little
"About you being available. Well, not available... Free... I mean not as opposed to paying for it"
Chuuya looks at him with a morphed smile on his face
"Which I wouldn't... I'm not saying your not worth it..... Anyway, stand back"
The champagne opens without popping, the cork just falls out with a squeaky sound
"Thats weird, thd cork absolutely flew out the first time I opened it"
Dazai walks into the flat and stops as he steps in as shock overtakes him. The room is clean. He looks around realising none of his previous mess is sighted, as he walks further in Higuchi is on her way out with her 'Henry' hoover in hand
"I think Henry's setting might be a bit high" He looks around again
"Or did you just break everything?"
"Just following orders"
Higuchi goes to leave the flat but as she goes to shut the door the knob comes off in her hand and she hands it to Dazai who looks at her stupid.
Dazai turns as Chuuya walks into the living room from the kitchen
"What's going on?"
Chuuya looks up at him
"It's what all the latest designers are calling 'nouveau space'... It's French for tidy"
Dazai gestures to the room around him
"Where is everything?"
"Like what?"
"My books?"
"Books?"
"Alright, book"
They stare at eachother in silence for a moment
"Come on you know what they say about cleanliness and Godliness?"
Chuuya speaks up
"Yeah, it's close to homelessness" Dazai says walking toward him
"Look, to be honest, until the mortgage is absolutely comfirmed, I'm trying to put off other potential buyers"
Chuuya crosses his arms and scoffs
"Is that right?"
"Don't worry it'll be fine. But the seller's a bit edgy about the whole thing. You know the type, from a poncey middle-class, Daily-Mail-reading family"
Chuuya looks at him amused
"Does he now?"
"Yeah, you know. Bunch of sherry-sipping inbreds with sticks up their arses. The mum and dad secretly having swingers parties down the cul-de-sack"
Chuuya is staring holes into Dazai's soul
"Mum holding a creme de menthe, while the golf captain's sticking-"
"Yes! Alright!" Chuuya unfolds his arms
"I get the picture"
"I'm sure Oda will be very interested to hear all about this" Chuuya goes to walk past him and out of the flat
"How'd you know Odasaku?"
"I'll give you a clue. I'm just popping round to visit Oda and my brother and there's only gonna be one person there"
"Good, so think there's a chance Oda wont show up?"
Chuuya gives him an annoyed look laced with anger
"Oda's my brother"
Dazai looks at him stunned as he walks towards the door spinning on his heel to face Dazai one last time
"Actually I say brother. I mean, of course, my lover as well. You know what us Daily-mail-reading, sherry-sipping 'inbreds' are like"
Chuuya goes to the small table to the side and picks up the yellow pages
"Oh look... Here's your book"
Chuuya throws it at him and storms out
"Ah, peace at last. That's the secret to a good military operation. A proper strategy, meticulous planning"
"Hello"
"And always take back the spare key"
Oda says turning to look at where the voice came from
"What are you doig here?"
"I'm moving back into the spare room"
"You can't"
"Well I'm not living with that bandage-wasting edgelord anymore"
"Come on, give me one good reason why not"
"I'll give you two. He's untidy and he smells of caffeine"
"Yeah, but... What's the smell of caffeine but the promise of coffee to come?"
He tries to reason
Chuuya just glares at him
"Just a bit of... Muffiny wisdom... Look I'm sorry Chuu, but I need my own space"
"Oh great"
"Chuuya... It is possible to love and care for somone without having to spend every minute of every day with them."
Chuuya looks up at him
"Hang on, isn't that the speech Dad gave you when you were obsessed with your bagpuss doll?"
"Maybe... But he was right"
"Oh yeah, because that worked didn't it"
Chuuya's hand disappears around the doorframe to the balcony and pulls out the white and pink plush by the neck
"Not by the head, he doesn't like it"
Chuuya throws it straight at his head and he catches it as Chuuya storms out of his house
Dazai walks through the door to the flat, except now everything is messy again, he pauses at the door again and observes the room. Higuchi on her way out again
"Now what's happening?"
"Henry brought everything back up again. I think it was the final sock"
She then mouths 'the final sock' again silently laughing at her own joke.
She goes to leave the flat but Dazai grabs her outstretched wrist and opens the door himself, guiding her out after the last time. As she walks out the two metal numbers on the outside of the door fall off, Dazai looks behind him and sighs before he spots Chuuya walking toward him.
"Well?"
"I've come round to your way of thinking"
He looks down then up again as if inspecting Chuuya
"What? About shared baths?"
"I wouldn't hold your breath"
"Hello, what did you have in mind?"
They both stare at eachother awkwardly, Dazai shifting in his spot a little
"I mean about making sure no one else buys this place"
"Great. So you didn't mention to Oda about...?"
"No. And I won't be moving back in with him either. I realised I've lived with him too long"
"Two weeks?"
"A childhood. Plus two weeks. You want to try potty training whilst a teenage snog is being practised on the bathroom mirror?"
"I told him he shouldn't do two things at once... I'll put the kettle on"
Dazai goes to walk to the kitchen whilst Chuuya walks towards the table by the door, a knock sounding on said still open door, a young man standing on the opposite side
"Hi you must be Dazai"
"Yes if I was emo and thought sugar butties were a viable sandwich option for an adult"
"Oh I'm sorry, it's just that a last name can be anybody of any gender, like mine"
"And you are?"
"Alison. It's my surname. I've come about the flat"
"Oh, I see, come in"
Chuuya gestures for him to enter
"Feel free to look around Mr.Alison"
"Please, call me Hilary"
Chuuya walks over to where Dazai is standing in the kitchen
"Who's that?"
"He's here to look at the flat"
"Why'd you let him in?"
"Hilary Alison? That's a name ya don't mess with"
Chuuya points toward the guy
"Go on then, do your stuff"
He pushes him forward
"Lovely place, very minimal"
"Some would say minimal, some burgled"
"It's an interesting old building isn't it?"
"Yeah an old mill apparently"
Chuuya says now stood next to Dazai
"Oh, what kind of mill" he says interested
"Asbestos" Dazai answers quickly
Hilary looks at him worried and confused
"Asbestos? You don't mill asbestos"
"You don't mill wind"
Everybody pauses and stands there awkwardly
"Do I smell really strong coffee?"
Chuuya sways happily
"Welcome to my world... Actually it's not caffeine its... It's dry rot" Chuuya says playing along
"Thats good-" Dazai says looking down at the shorter boy before immediately snapping to look back at the guest
"I mean that's bad... Really bad... So bad we had to get wet rot going just to cancel it out"
Hilary looked at them taken aback
"Anyway, I better be off, I've seen and smelt enough" he says slowly backing away toward the entrance
Dazai and Chuuya slowly walk toward him
"Oh, I hope it's nothing we said"
"Don't be silly, It's just that cautions my middle name... Nah, actually it's Leslie"
He walks quickly away from the pair and out of the flat
Dazai turns to Chuuya as the shorter walks off
"Well done, you've obviously learnt from the master. Carry on like this and you'll be able to do one alone"
"Is that right? Maybe we could do a little roleplaying now to get some practice in" Chuuya responds with and eerie cheer
"Okay?"
"Hello, what's your name?"
"Uh, Dazai"
"Well Dazai, I'm afraid this flat isn't really for sale anymore"
"And why's that?"
"Over the last few days I've realised that this place is perfect. It's nice, it's big, close to town. So I've decided to put in an offer myself"
"In that case, I wont buy it after all"
"Good"
"Nice one"
Dazai sits on the sofa as Chuuya walks to the kitchen. Then Dazai realises and stands back up rushing to the kitchen
"Hang on!"
"You can't buy the flat"
"Why not?"
"I thought you were to busy to look for a place"
"Change of heart"
"I'm not surprised yout last one was barely used"
"At least I didn't lie to my best mate about showing people around"
"That's what ya just did you hypocritical, nepotistic, flat knicking... Arsehole"
"Oh, shame. That sentence started so intelligently then just collapsed, didn't it?... You self serving, languorous... Dick"
"Right thats it flat knapper! When Odasaku accepts my offer, you're out"
"Oh I think you'll find you'll be out after he sells it to me. Bloods thicker than water"
"So? custard's thicker than blood"
"What does that mean?"
"I don't know I'm panicking!"
Dazai turns and speeds out of the kitchen leaving behind a perplexed Nakahara Chuuya.
"This has been a very tough choice, and I do slightly resent having been put in this position, but before I say who's got the flat I'll put in one condition... Whoever I sell it to has to agree to allow the other to rent the spare room"
"No way Jose"
Chuuya replies
Oda looks to Dazai
"Similar to his answer only I was going for the name Jukoff"
"If you don't agree I won't choose either of you... Chuuya you said you haven't got time to look for another place, all your efforts are being spent on expanding the headhunting agency and liaising with new executive clients... So do we have a deal or not?"
"Okay. Agreed, Rashid"
"Chuuya?"
"I'm just tryna think if there's a name that rhymes with 'if I bloody have to' "
"Matthew" Dazai cuts in
"Shut up"
"Well, it's been a long, hard decision... You both seemed determined to get it, and put in very convincing arguments. But after much deliberation I have come to a decision..."
Dazai sighs
"And the games for the 23rd Olympiad are awarded to the city... Get on with it, for god's sake"
"I first though I should sell it to you, Chuuya, because your my Brother. Then I thought... No..."
"Turns out your not his brother"
"The right thing to do is to sell it to someone who, throughout my ups and downs of my breakup with Agatha, has always been a shoulder to cry on, a good listener and a true friend. Then I thought, 'No I'll sell it to Dazai' After all, he did offer first"
"Welcome to the inn, Mary I see you are with child"
Dazai said turning to Chuuya
"I'm afraid only the smaller of the two rooms is available, but I'm sure you and your donkey will be very happy... It's very nouveau stabley."
"Mm, problem with that little story is we need three wise men, even if we include you there's still three left to find"
"Don't be like that. I was cutting you a little slack with the virgin thing"
They both stop and turn to Oda who folds his arms
"You know this is all still subject to survey, don't you?"
"Oh there's no need for that, if he says he's a virgin, he's a virgin"
Suddenly Higuchi comes through the door behind them
"Hello, Fed-Ex man, special delivery!... Not really it's me"
She takes the hat off
"Sorry, this came for you this morning, I accidentally took it home" she says handing a letter to Dazai
"Why's it open?"
"I accidentally opened it as well"
"You best look at it it seemed quite important"
"How'd you know?"
"I accidentally read it all"
"Ah! Perfect timing, a letter from the bank. And if I'm not mistaken, this will confirm that I have had my mortgage confirmed"
"With reference to your recent mortgage application we regret to inform you that your offer has been declined. This is due to the survey report, which informed us that the property, a recently burgled former asbestos mill..."
Oda stopped reading the letter and looked up at Dazai as both him and Chuuya looked at eachother
"Was riddled with an overpowering odour of dry ro. A copy of your report will be sent by your surveyor, Hilary Alison"
Dazai and Chuuya looked at eachother again
"Women ay?" Oda says "They're such nit-pickers"
Chuuya smiles at the group before walking off towards the sofa
"Look on the bright side, you've still got me as your cleaner"
Higuchi says as she goes to leave, as she closes the door behind her it falls off it's hinges and crashes to the floor
Chuuya was laying on the sofa reading a book when Dazai walks into the room, Chuuya looks up at him.
"So. How's the smaller room working out for you?"
"Oh yeah, great, I mean I can pop out here if I need to do anything important, like move my head"
Chuuya stops reading and looks up again
"I can't believe he sold it to you. I was such a perfect buyer"
Dazai sit on the sofa
"Why's that then?"
"I'm not at the end of a chain"
"You should be... Look, maybe we should start again"
"How'd you mean" Dazai says confused
"Pretend we've never met" Chuuya says as he sets the book on the coffee table
"Alright, get out of my flat or I'll phone the police. I think the least you can do is apologise"
"Over buying a flat off my own brother? A flat that, let's face it, you can't afford. But I will apologise about the name calling"
"Which one? Languorous or Dick?"
"The one you understood"
"I suppose... I'm sorry as well about the horrible name I called you"
"Which one? Heartless, thief, or inbred?"
"Daily Mail reader"
"What does languorous mean, anyway?"
"Listless and without energy"
"Bit harsh before 'Dick' "
They both stop and stare at eachother.
OWARI