Chapter Text
And all will be alright in time,
Until you learn to forgive…
To forgive…
The alarm blares, but Yuji’s eyes are already open. He blinks, then covers his face, fingers pressing into his eyelids, searching for a pulse. His heart beats, a quiet, stubborn thrum.
If this is a dream—or even a nightmare—he never wants to wake up. He'll do anything to stay here, in this version of the world.
He's so tired. He rises, falls, and rises again, until the final blow snaps him off.
Yuji glares at the ceiling, storms in his eyes. How can you hate someone so much? To continuously torment them instead of simply ignoring them. To revive them and let them suffer, instead of letting them die just once. These are the thoughts that haunt him every morning, a litany since time immemorial.
He stares out the window, every memory, every story, flashing across his eyes. The pain of being forced to do things he never wanted to, to witness things he never should have seen.
He can't stop the tears that fall every morning, but he forces a smile, a brave warrior in a pretend war. A fake brave warrior.
A soundless hiccup is followed by a dry, bitter laugh.
Everything will be alright… he chants, a prayer without faith.
I…I don’t understand you, my God.
Do I have to throw myself out of your story? Is it an imposition to escort myself out of your cruel games?
I’ve received the signals, I know. Maybe I’m too conceited. No, I’m delusional, I admit it. Is this why you hate me so much?
Even in this despair, it still isn’t enough for you. I wonder why I’m even a part of your games, a part of this story.
I’ve lost. There’s nothing more I can lose. I’m terrible at decisions. My pain is my own. Even if I’m gone…my God, I know…you won’t even notice.
How long will I play this game?
Until I’m too far gone to bring back to life? Even if I’m an empty shell.
Definitely not. I know you’ll bring me back to life again, and the game will start all over. Isn’t that right? Or am I so self-important that I see my revivals as your love?
I gave you all my best selves, my endless empathy.
What am I lacking? I’m trying my best, just like your other children.
I am one of your children too.
Your most hated…obviously. If I am one at all.
All I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier. Yeah, right. I’m not that brave. Maybe a coward. I can be a dangerous coward too. Like those higher-ups meant to torment everyone. Maybe I’m one of them.
Fighting in only your army. I’m willing to do that, on the front lines as your soldier. Don’t ignore me… Why am I even a part of this? Why didn't you end me, once I died? Why make me live again?
I’m the best thing at this party. I hope I am, but I know it’s just wishful thinking. Even if I’m the best, I’ll be buried in the shadow of your hatred. I’m so vain.
All I ever wanted was for you to see me.
But now I’m fading, thinking you should…
Do something, God, say something… Why won’t you answer?
Lose something, God, risk something… I am one of your children. I can do things too. I’m worth everything. Not your hatred, not the pain, but something else. I wasn’t born to be your pain reliever, was I?
Choose something, God. I’ve got nothing left to believe in.
Please don’t let me go.
Please value me too.
I think…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
I’m letting go…
Yeah, I should let go. Isn’t that what you wanted? No, it’s for the best. Not only for your other children, but for myself too.
I’ve had enough. You’ve had enough too…right? No, I don’t have the right to question you about that. I have no right to complain.
You’re losing me. It's funny that I'm still this delusional. I should go. I should escort myself out. If I don't go, I'll lose myself too. I know you don’t care. I'm just saying this for myself, for my sanity. Please ignore my rambling.
Maybe the sub-gods who adore and hate you at the same time have a better version, a peaceful version of my story. I’ll look for it and live in it.
I’m only a speck of dust, a fading memory in your story. But to others, I’m hopefully at least an existence, even if it's a small or insignificant one, a passing sentence. At least I won’t suffer from hatred, because they’ll just ignore me like the wind. Indeed, a peaceful life.
So this is goodbye. I’m happy to have been your child…even if I’m one of your most hated. I should stop complaining and being so pathetic right now.
It was a good, happy journey. Thank you for the life you gave me, the hate, the pain, the wounds that will never be healed. I hope we won't see each other again.
Yuji looks at the sky, inhaling deeply and exhaling. A smile on his face, ready to start a new life, in a new story… outside his God's domain.
Today is the start of a world by Itadori Yuji (not really, but it seems like it).