Work Text:
Ask me why my heart's inside my throat
I've never been in love, I've been alone
Feel like I've been living life asleep
Love so strong it makes me feel so weak
15 years was a long time. Johannes had started racing earlier than that, but he had started driving in Formula 1 fifteen years ago. Lot of things had changed during that time. People had come and left, people he had liked a lot.
Martin was the only person that had stayed. At first Johannes hadn’t even really liked him. As he liked to say, Martin was a bit of a nuisance back then. Always challenging him, always winning while Johannes couldn’t. Martin had won four world championship in a row; he had beaten Johannes’s record of being the youngest pilot to win a world championship…He was a huge nuisance really. Despite that Johannes had always felt a weird kinship towards the other driver. It wasn’t something he could explain at first. Something weird and bothering.
If he needed to choose a starting point, he would choose the Malaysian Grand Prix in 2015. It was the first year for Martin with Ferrari, and he had started it with a win during the second race. Usually, Johannes would have been annoyed by that victory. The race was supposed to be his, he had started on pole and they were on the track of one of their sponsors. Yet, looking at Martin during the podium he couldn’t find the strength in himself to be anything else but amazed.
Martin had been very touched by this win. His first win in red. He had been obviously shaken on the podium and maybe it was because of how unusual it was to see him that touched but Johannes hadn’t been able to do anything else than watch him with amazement. In the post-race press conference Martin had expressed his hope to win the world championship with Ferrari, just like he had done 4 times with Red Bull, and suddenly it had been easier for Johannes to forget the amazement and strange kinship he had been feeling.
He hadn’t been here to be beaten yet another time by Martin Fourcade.
Yet, this small moment, this small spark of affection he had felt for Martin had made their relation easier. He wouldn’t have called them friends back then, not before Baku.
Baku had been the turning point in their relationship really. The moment when they had become true friend in Johannes’s mind.
Funny that it had been when Martin had literally ran into the back of his car while they were behind a safety car. No one would have found friendship in that. Johannes knew that he wouldn’t have seen an opportunity for friendship in that moment if it had been any other driver. But it was Martin. Good and fair Martin, Martin that knew all the rules and respected the regulations. Martin that was never wrong. He had thought he was right at first…before he had apologized to Johannes in person. For Martin it must have been a lot, to apologize for being wrong for once. For Johannes it was even more.
Martin started being human in his mind in Malaysia. But he definitely became human after that incident. Johannes wasn’t sure that moment held the same important to Martin, but he was sure something had changed after that.
Something that made Martin kinder to him. When Johannes had won in 2020, Martin had been the first one to congratulate him. He had kneeled next to his car, telling him he was making history. Telling him he was proud to see him performing so well. Even if Martin wasn’t performing, even if his year had been shitty, he had taken the time to congratulate him personally. When he had lost in 2021, when his heart had been broken by disappointment and defeat for the first time in years Martin had also been one of the first next to him. He had given him a half hug and held his arm for a while, trying to comfort him as he could. It was easier to get comforted by Martin because he knew that disappointment too. But also, because he was certainly the only driver left on the grid towards whom Johannes felt a strong affection. Johannes always joked saying his car was his only friend since Erlend had left. It was easier to joke about it than to cry about how true it was. Martin was the only exception really. The only person on the grid that knew the real Johannes. That knew him as a human, not only as a driver. At least Johannes hoped Martin knew him in that way, because it would be heart-breaking for that perception to be one sided.
He was sure he knew Martin truly and really. When Martin had divorced Johannes had been here for him, even when Martin would have rather be alone. When Martin had found himself at Aston Martin, a team that wasn’t good enough for him, Johannes had been the one to cheer on him, to promise him he would find a better team soon.
He was so sure that he knew Martin that he had been taken by surprise by the news of his retirement.
Martin couldn’t retire. Not yet, not when there were still titles they could win. Not when they could still fight against each other. He couldn’t leave Johannes alone on the track like that, surrounded by people that only saw him as the seven time world champion at best and as a nuisance at worst. It must have been a lie, Martin retiring. Something he was telling the press to get out of the radar for a while before his unavoidable comeback in a better team. A better team that would maybe join Formula 1 soon enough. Johannes repeated that during each interview when he was being asked about Martin. Repeated the same four words. “He will come back”. He knew people were thinking he was in denial, Emilien sometimes looked at him with sadness as if he was the only one that hadn’t accepted Martin retirement. Sturla did it too, watching him with careful eyes during their common interviews. But none of them could understand really. None of them knew Martin like he did. They were convinced he was in denial, but he was just the only one knowing enough to know it was impossible for Martin to leave.
He was thinking so until Martin had come to him one evening, three weeks before the race in Abu Dhabi. Martin had knocked on his door, something that was quite unusual despite their friendship. Martin never came to his room. Johannes came to his sometimes, when he was missing the other man a lot or when he needed a friend. But Martin never did that. Johannes had looked at him with surprise before letting him in, trying to ignore how his heart was beating in his ears. He felt strangely embarrassed about having Martin in his room. Like he was a teenager welcoming his crush in his room. Which he wasn’t…at least not the teenager part. Martin seemed strangely embarrassed too, standing there without saying anything for a while. Johannes wasn’t sure what was happening. Martin had never acted that embarrassed and tensed around him.
“Will you do donuts with me on Sunday? For my last race.” Martin asked out of the blue, his voice small and hesitant like it never usually was and Johannes let out a soft smile.
“Your last race, for now.” He said jokingly, expecting Martin to laugh. Martin looked at him with hesitation, tilting his head to the right.
“You…do realise I’m not going to come back, right?” He said after a moment and Johannes felt like he had been punched. Was Martin not trusting him enough to tell him about his plan to come back in a few years with a better team? They were rivals of course, but he has always thought they were friends too. Friends enough to share that kind of information.
“You don’t have to lie to me Martin. I know you’ll be coming back. In a few years, with a better team.” Johannes said, his voice filled with hope and yet there was a small hidden fear in it. What if Martin really wasn’t coming back? What if Abu Dhabi truly was his last race? What if it truly was their last race together? That idea created something weird in Johannes’s chest. A weird discomfort that made it hard to breathe.
“Johannes. I’m not going to come back. My only plan for the next few years is to keep some bees and try to make the world a better place with the small influence I have.” Martin said softly, putting one hand on Johannes’s arm. It was a comfortable touch, one that Johannes knew by heart. Yet it wasn’t giving him comfort now. This touch felt like the end of something. Like it was indeed definitive, Martin leaving their sport. Leaving him. Johannes stayed unmoving for a moment, breathing in and out as best as he could despite the pain in his chest and the discomfort he was feeling. Martin looked at him with softness, his thumbs rubbing his arm slowly.
“Did you expected me to stay here forever Johannes?” he asked, and that sentence would have been mocking coming from anyone else. Yet, Martin made it sound so soft and caring. Like he was really wondering if Johannes had expected him to stay forever.
Had he? Expected that? At first, certainly not. A few years ago, before they truly became friends, before they learnt to know each other as human, he would have been satisfied with Martin leaving. But now? Now it was different. What would be left for him, if Martin was gone? Who would he have on the paddock? The discomfort in his chest was growing at this idea. This idea of Martin being gone, of Martin leaving him alone here.
“I…don’t know. How…Could if drive if you are not around? Driving with you here is everything I’ve ever known.” He said weakly, because he couldn’t say the rest out loud. Couldn’t say that Martin was all he had left now. The only person he truly had. The person that was…that was his in a way no one else was. It was a scary thought really, the idea that he felt so much for Martin and that the other man would be truly gone soon.
Martin scoffed softly, his lips moving to form a self-depreciating smile.
“You’re not driving with me, Johannes. I’m barely in the points, you’re almost always on the podium.” Martin’s voice wasn’t even sad when he said that. It was just neutral and rational. Like it wasn’t wrong, him not being in the points. Him not having a better car.
Johannes wasn’t sure Martin understood what he felt. Even when they were not racing next to the other, even when they were not fighting for the title, there was only Martin on his mind. Only the taunting 5 on his car. It was the only thing Johannes saw when he was racing, the only thing he saw when he was closing his eyes.
“In my mind I’m always racing next to you, Martin.” Johannes said, his voice full of emotion he couldn’t find the right words to describe.
In his mind there is only the two of them on the track. There’s only the two of them, all the time really. It would be worrying to think that way of any other drivers. But it was different when it was Martin. It was natural to think that, just like breathing was. Something you do without even thinking, without realising it.
Martin looked at him for a long time, his eyes carefully watching his face. As if he was looking for something. Johannes gulped hardly, trying his best to hide the storm of emotions he was feeling. Martin seemed to find something after a while, because he took a step back putting even more distance between them. Johannes should get used to that. Soon distance would be the only thing there was between the two of them. No more rivalry, no more competition, nothing else.
“I’m sure…soon another driver will get that role in your mind Johannes. I’m not that irreplaceable.” Martin barely whispered after having taken that step back. He seemed uncomfortable, even more than he had been before. Whatever he had seen during his quiet inspection of Johannes, he mustn’t have liked it.
Johannes wanted to scream that Martin was irreplaceable. The best rivalry he ever had, the only friend he still had, the only person he never got tired of. But was it really the time to say that? When he had never said anything like that before? When Martin was leaving soon? Wouldn’t it be better to bite his own tongue, to not make Martin even more uncomfortable? They stood there in his room, so close yet so far from the other for a while without saying anything.
“I…” Johannes started saying and he wasn’t sure how to end that sentence. I’ll miss you, I can’t do it without you…Please don’t leave me?
“I’ll organise something for you. Before the last race. Something nice.” He said after a moment. It wasn’t what he wanted to say, but it was what he could say. He would organise something nice and sweet for Martin. Because he deserved it, both as a driver and as a friend. He deserved to enjoy…one last evening with the drivers. Deep down Johannes couldn’t help the foolish hope that it might make Martin stay. That it might make him change his mind, the fact that he’ll be reminded how the others drivers like him too. How everyone on the paddock needed him.
Are you lonely? (Are you lonely?)
Our fingers dancing when they meet
You seem so lonely (are you lonely?)
I'll be the only dream you seek
So if you're lonely, no need to show me
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
It had been easier than he expected. To get all the drivers to come to a diner in the honor of Martin and his career. He had expected some of them to refuse, because of the tensions there was sometimes in their small group. Because of the rivalry some of the drivers had. Not the old-fashioned rivalry Martin and him shared, the one where there was still unconditional respect for the other driver. The new kind of rivalry, the one where you talked badly about the other on social media, the one where you got with his ex-girlfriend just to bother him, the one where you voluntarily bumped his car at least 5 times a year. Johannes hadn’t truly expected all the drivers to show up.
He knew Emilien would be here. No matter if the two of them were not in the same team anymore, Emilien still held Martin in the highest regards. He still looked at him with star in his eyes every day, just like Martin had created the world and all the good things there was in it. Like Martin had created Ferrari, like he had created the car Emilien was driving…well, on the good days, not on the day it caught fire of course.
Actually, he knew most of the drivers would be here. He just had some doubts regarding a few of them. Mostly the two Red Bull’s drivers. Sebastian because he didn’t seem to care much about the rest of the paddock, except for the other Swedish driver that was racing in Aston Martin.
Sturla because despite his two world titles the kid was still shy like he had been during his first year on the paddock. Also, because people liked to imagine there was some kind of wrong and twisted rivalry between Sturla and him. So, to avoid creating more rumors and making everyone uncomfortable Sturla had decided to mostly stay out of the events and party organised by Johannes…Or any of the parties where Johannes could be really.
Johannes had explained a thousand times that it wasn’t a solution. That Sturla didn’t have to hide like that just because the journalists were inventing things again. That he needed to enjoy the relative cordiality of the paddock, because it might not stay that cordial forever. After all, with new drivers arriving nothing was set in stone. But Sturla tended to ignore his advice, mostly staying alone. Because he was scared of creating more rumors…and because he certainly felt like no one in the paddock understood him.
Johannes understood what he was going through better than anyone. The pressure of being the best, the pressure of always winning more, being better, being perfect really. He knew it all, he had been going through that during eight long years. It had costed him friendship, love, and his wellbeing. He knew it all, but it didn’t meant Sturla would listen to him.
“It’s my retirement diner. I should be the one stressing, shouldn’t I?” Martin said half-jokingly, breaking the silence between them and getting Johannes out of his thoughts. They had been the first two to arrive of course. Johannes because he was planning everything. Martin because he couldn’t help but be perfect and polite even if he was the guest of honour.
Johannes felt a strange pang in his heart at the thought of Martin being the guest of honour of that retirement diner. A strange pang he was getting more and more accustomed to in these last weeks. He had known from the start that losing Martin would be hard. He was his only…friend wasn’t even the right word. He was his only person, the only thing he still had left on the paddock. Still, he couldn’t have expected how physically painful it would each time he would be reminded of Martin’s future retirement.
He must have stayed silent for too long because Martin threw a curious gaze at him, his head tilted softly to the right in confusion.
“Why would you be stressed? It’s not like…”
It’s not like it would be the last time you saw us he thought, his mind filled with a hope he shouldn’t have. He knew better than to expect anything, knew better than to once again let himself hope that someone leaving the paddock might stay in his life.
“It’s not like you organised the diner.” He chose to say in the end, his voice shaking despite how hard he was trying to make it sound like a joke. Martin looked at him more seriously, his confusion leaving space for a soft concern.
“Are you okay Johannes?” he asked softly, moving his hand to let it rest on his arm. It hurt, having Martin touching him like that knowing that soon enough all of him would only be a memory. That his touches would be gone, and that so would be his smile, his unconditional support, his understanding. Johannes smiled as best as he could. He knew he couldn’t fool Martin, but he owned it to the other man to at least try and pretend to be fine.
“I’m fine. Just hoping no one will fight tonight.”
Martin smiled reassuringly, his hand gripping Johannes’s arms softly.
“I’m sure the kids will control themselves tonight.” Martin said wisely, and Johannes let out a soft laughter despite the situation.
“You talk like such a dad.” He muttered while shaking his head.
“You’ll talk like that too, when you’re as old as I am.” Martin answered with a shrug. Johannes chuckled softly, moving his hand to pat Martin’s hand. The one that hadn’t left his arm yet.
“You say that as if you are 50. You’re still young and kicking Martin.”
So young and kicking that you could stay on the paddock. That you could keep driving with us, with me. Johannes bit his tongue to keep these words out of his mouth.
“Yeah, kicking the bottom of the ranking.” There was no bitterness in Martin’s voice as he said so. He sounded factual, as if he was saying the absolute truth. As if that truth didn’t bother him the slightest. Somehow it sounded like Martin had grieved his career already. As if he was over it, despite it still not being over.
“You’re…”
Wrong? Wouldn’t that be a lie to say that? Martin’s year hadn’t been going well, his car was bad and he couldn’t manage to do anything with it. On the best day he could go to the finish line, but there was nothing else to be done with that car…Even for someone as good as Martin.
“You’re not responsible for it Martin. Your age or competence isn’t the problem here. The car is. You know it as well as I do.” Johannes stated softly with all the conviction he had. Martin could believe that he was done, that driving wasn’t his thing anymore. But Johannes knew better and he was convinced enough to believe for the two of them.
Martin smiled, of a sad smile Johannes had never seen on his face. It wasn’t the kind of smile that had appeared on his face when he had lost races because of stupid FIA decision, or because of random mechanical problems. It was sadder and yet so…resigned. It wasn’t like the angry and motivated smile he had seen during all these years.
Martin said nothing for a while, his hand not leaving Johannes’s arm. Johannes kept his hand over Martin’s hand, not daring to break their contact. He wasn’t sure that Martin wouldn’t retreat in his passivity and neutrality if he was to move.
“The car isn’t the only problem” Martin whispered. Johannes was sure he wouldn’t have heard him if they hadn’t been so close.
“What’s the problem, then?” he asked softly and Martin let out a resigned snort. He looked Johannes into the eyes for a second, and there was something in his eyes Johannes couldn’t recognise. Something hidden behind layer of false neutrality, behind the sadness and the resignation. Martin kept looking at him for a few second, his hand gripping his arm almost painfully in the process. Johannes did his best not to wince. His pain was nothing compared to his curiosity.
What could be such a problem that it would be bigger than the obvious issues of Martin’s car? What could be so big that it would be determinant in Martin’s retirement?
Johannes was going to ask these questions but Martin took a step back, his hand leaving Johannes’s arm.
“I can see our friends’ cars arriving outside. Shouldn’t we be welcoming them?” Martin inquired casually; his previous sad smile gone from his face. There was a smile on his face, but only one word could be used to describe it. Fake.
Johannes wanted to ask more but Martin’s eyes were already distant, watching through the windows. He knew he wouldn’t be getting anything out of him now.
He spent all the evening watching Martin interact with the younger drivers around them. All the smiles he gave to them, the advices and the praises. In his mind he was still wondering what other problem Martin had been hiding from them, hiding from him. He spent the whole night with that question in the back of his mind, keeping it aside for now, waiting for the moment everyone would be gone.
Yet at the end of the night, when Martin left, he found himself unable to ask him about it. Unable to ruin the happiness his friend was currently feeling. Unable to be the one to break that beautiful smile that was back on his face. When they said goodbye to one another Johannes knew he had missed his opportunity. But he was hopeful he would find one before Martin truly left.
He never really did.
Underneath the pale moonlight
Dreaming of a circus life
Carousels and Ferris heights
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
'Cause I'm lonely, I'm so lonely
If you hold me, I'll be your only
Usually, Johannes considered himself as quite the optimistic man. Whether it was in his career or in his personal life. He always aims to find something good and nice, even in the worse situations. He always tries to stay positive even when everything is wrong.
Yet, if he had to choose one word to describe the beginning of his season, he would be able to find a nice and positive one. There was only one that came into his mind each time he thought about it for more than 30 seconds.
Pain.
It wasn’t that bad to be focused on that word considering how painful his car was this year. How he was moving so much around it that he ended up with more bruises than he could even count. It wasn’t that bad because of course it would be painful for him, the seventh time world champion to be in a car that couldn’t even race for a podium.
Yet it wasn’t the biggest pain he could feel at the beginning of this season that he would already call terrible. The biggest pain wasn’t in his car poor’s performance. It wasn’t in all the bruises, all the fake smile he had to give to his team despite how bad the car really was. It was in the silence he couldn’t help but hear despite the noises of the engines. It had taken in barely a few minutes to realise it during the first week-end in Sakhir.
Martin wasn’t here to pat him on the shoulder, to reassure him about his car. He wasn’t here to offer comfortable jokes and friendly smiles. He wasn’t here to make Johannes feel like…something else than just a driver. He had found himself looking around every corner, as if Martin would magically appear out of thin air. As if he hadn’t retired, as if they had held any meaningful conversation since he had done so.
Some days Johannes felt angry about it really. He felt strangely abandoned. As if Martin has had some form of responsibility towards him. Towards his loneliness or his feelings. Something that hadn’t been true before and that still wasn’t. Strangely, this idea made him more hurt than angry even if he couldn’t understand why.
He had felt like Martin understood him of course. Understood him deeply, unlike anyone else on the paddock. Yet it didn’t mean the man was supposed to held any responsibility towards him. It didn’t mean anything at all.
There was a nasty voice in his head when he thought about that these days. A nasty voice that sounded like Erlend.
You didn’t mean anything at all for him. Just like for everyone else, the voice whispered in his mind, reminding him of the real Erlend and how everything had gone wrong between them.
You’re meant to be alone; it would add sometimes. Strangely it wasn’t Erlend voice these times but his own.
The voices hadn’t left him in peace for one moment during the first 5 races of the year. He wasn’t expecting for them to really leave, of for the pain to get better during the 6th race.
Monaco isn’t that special for him, and he knew he had no chance of winning. A podium could be possible…if a miracle is to happen again. But he has no real hope for it or for anything else. When he arrives on the paddock people are strangely…happy and smiling. It isn’t that people were usually depressed here, but most of them were usually focused and…the Mercedes’ people have no reason to be that happy these days. Not with the performances of both their car.
Weirded than that is the fact that Emilien is smiling in the same way too. Something that hadn’t happened in a long time considering his car performance. It’s easy to see how happy and excited the younger Monegasque is. And it’s not the usual happiness of one being back home or racing in his home race.
Johannes understands better when he sees a familiar yet unexpected person walking towards him in the crowd. Despite the month his face hasn’t change, neither has his smile or the way he walks around happily on the paddock.
Martin is here.
It takes Johannes’ breath away, as if he had just been punched in the chest. Everything that isn’t Martin become blurry, as if his mind couldn’t see it at all. As if it couldn’t care for it. But is there anything else to care for after all?
Martin is back.
His mind is finally comfortably silent for the first time in so many months as Martin put one hand on his shoulder. It’s almost burning him to be touched by Martin again. Martin, just like he had done so many months ago during his pre-race guard of honor when Johannes hadn’t dare to offer more than his hand to shake, pulls him slowly into a hug as his arm surround his shoulder softly.
His whole body is on fire and for the first time in months he feels truly human again. Martin is real under his hand, his body warm and firm as it was before. There is no underperforming car in his mind, no voices coming from the past to haunt him. No loneliness, no sense of not belonging to anything or anyone.
For the first time in months, he can put another word than pain on what he is feeling. It would take his breath away if he wasn’t already rendered so breathless by Martin’s presence.
Martin pulls away slowly, his hand lingering on Johannes’ arm for a moment. His smile is bright as it was before, and a small part of Johannes can almost bring itself to believe that Martin is as happy to see him as Johannes is. Looking into his eyes Johannes realises which word he can put on the sweet feeling that just replaced his pain.
It’s love.
He’s in love with Martin. It should certainly shock him to realise so in the middle of the paddock, during a random afternoon before a race. After so many years spent together, after the support and understanding they had brought each other. After all the easy smiles and the few hugs. Love was never a word he would have thought to put on his feelings towards the French man. Yet now that he had done so it just seemed so fitting and natural. As if it had always been the right word.
“I’m…” his mouth starts speaking before he can stop himself. Martin looks at him as if there is no one around them. As he always looked at him like that? As Johannes been too blind to see it, just as he has been too blind to see his own true feeling before Martin’s presence was taken from him?
I’m finally whole again now that you are here. I love you. I think I’ve done so for a long time.
Despite how his mind is screaming he can’t say any of it. Not with the journalists surrounding them, not with so many people of his team around them either. He isn’t truly sure he could actually say any of it even if they were alone. He has no doubt about his newfound understanding of their relation, his new understanding of his feelings towards Martin. Only love could make him feel so burning and yet so at peace, only love could make him feel so relieved and alive to finally be around Martin again. It gives meaning to how wrong he’s been feeling since the other man has left, it gives meaning to how betrayed he had felt about his retirement.
Despite his lack of doubts, he isn’t truly sure he can tell Martin about all of this. He isn’t truly sure he can bring himself to push this sudden realisation on Martin. Martin, his best and only friend on the paddock, the one that had left because he had bigger problems than his wreck of a car.
“Did I succeed in finally getting you speechless?” Martin says jokingly after a few seconds, when it’s obvious Johannes seems to be unable to finish his sentence.
“I guess you did. I wasn’t expecting you’d come back to me.” Is certainly not how he meant to answer. Of course, that’s what he feels. Like Martin came back to deliver him from his pain and loneliness, came back for him. Still, he knows it’s a bad idea to say so out loud. There are people around them, and worse than that, it might weird out Martin and makes him leave…again.
“I wasn’t expecting you to want it.” Martin answers quietly, his voice barely loud enough to be heard by Johannes. His smile is different, sad and resigned just like it had been before their last dinner together.
Something in Johannes’ mind click. Something he hadn’t thought about before.
Is he the reason for Martin’s sadness and resignation? As he been the reason for it all along?
It’s an awful thought. The idea that he might be causing pain to the man he loves.
It’s awful and it’s one he is having a hard time understanding. What has he ever done to bring such terrible emotions in Martin? Their rivalry had been…wild at first maybe, but they had gotten over it. Gotten over Baku, over the pain of losing to the other. Johannes had never been sad and resigned because of it, and neither had been Martin. It wasn’t who they were, it wasn’t what they were.
So, how had he caused such sadness in Martin? There was no way he could ask in the middle of the paddock like that.
“Would you…like to meet after the race? It’d be late, but it’d be nice to…”
To spend some time alone? To have some time together again? To be without the constant media presence, without the need to perform for others, without the need to be scared of every word and move?
Whatever he meant to say Martin understands it even without words. His smile is his usual media one again as he nods.
“That’d be nice indeed. You still know my number so text me.” He says half-jokingly as he usually would around the media. But something about the way his arm brushed Johannes’s arm, something about the way his hand then stayed only a few millimetres away from his was very serious and intentional. Johannes knew Martin enough to know it.
Are you lonely?
Passion is crashing as we speak
You seem so lonely
You're the ground my feet won't reach
So if you're lonely
Darling, you're glowing
If you're lonely, come be lonely with me
Johannes is very much tired when he can finally send a text to Martin. So tired that he would certainly go to sleep immediately and only wake up begrudgingly tomorrow if it wasn’t for the fact that he was supposed to meet Martin.
Thinking about it is enough to wake him up, both because he can’t wait to finally see the other man again and have the opportunity to really speak with him and because of the huge stress he can’t help but feel.
He hasn’t felt stressed about seeing Martin in a lot of years. Since they had become truly friends there had been no stress about that. Martin has been a comfortable and reassuring presence since then, one that Johannes never had any reason to stress about. When Martin knocks on his door, Johannes feel like his stress might actually be on the level of the one he had during his first races in karting.
He hadn’t thought much before asking Martin to eat with him this afternoon. He hadn’t thought much about what he would say either. Maybe he hadn’t thought much at all.
He opens the door before Martin can knock a second time. He isn’t thinking much maybe but he isn’t impolite. And he isn’t dumb enough to leave the other driver; ex driver a small unhelping voice in his mind whisper; wait in front of his door for too long. Martin seems strangely stressed too despite his smile, just like he had been the last time he had came to his room. The time he had announced his retirement was for real.
Johannes finds a strange solace in the idea that Martin can’t announce anything worse to him.
In a way it’s just like Abu Dhabi all over again. Martin seems tensed and embarrassed as he was so many months ago, and Johannes can’t really understand why. Back then he had thought that Martin was like that because of his retirement. But he is still like that today. There something he can’t exactly understand here, something obvious that he can’t really fully comprehend.
Since Martin had entered the room, they still haven’t talk, and Johannes take a step back, allowing Martin to really enter his room. The silence stretches between them, not the kind of comfortable silence they used to share back then when there were no words of comfort that could be offered. When a presence was the only thing that could be offered.
“What did you wanted to talk about? I’m guessing you didn’t invite me that late to just look at me?” Martin says half-jokingly, going back to what is his usual demeanour when he is stressed or under pressure. Johannes would have loved to invite him just to look at him. Look at even the smallest change that had happened since his retirement. Watch how his hair was subtly longer, how his eyes were no longer tired and sad. How his arms had stayed the same, muscular and tanned as they were before.
It would be a nice thing to watch Martin freely. To watch all of him, even the part he had never seen. It makes something familiar settle in his stomach, something familiar he had yet never felt towards Martin.
Desire.
Johannes shakes his head, trying his best not to think about it.
“No point beating around the bush I guess?” He answers half-jokingly, but it still sounds too serious even to his own ears. Martin’s smile falters for a second before it’s back to the same stressed and anxious smile.
You’re the cause of that stress and anxiety the voice in his head add unhelpfully and Johannes tries his best not to wince.
“This afternoon I found you…sad and resigned. And somehow, I felt like…I was the cause of it.”
Martin smile doesn’t only falter this time. It’s fully gone. Johannes think it might be better to stop here, but his mouth goes on before he can realise it.
“I feel like I might have caused you some pain and sadness. And because you…” he hesitates before going on, choosing to say a half-truth “You mean a lot to me as my friend, so I wanted to talk about it. To know…What wrong I did.”
Johannes started fidgeting at one point during that sentence, and Martin’s eyes focuses on his hands for a while. Long second goes by and Martin still doesn’t answer. As if he wasn’t sure how to answer to him. As if Johannes had really caused some terrible sadness and pain to him.
Something clicks in his mind just like it had this afternoon. But it’s a terrible realisation this time. Martin had said the car hadn’t been his only problem. Hadn’t been the only cause of his retirement. Johannes had thought there must have been something personal he didn’t know about under that. A problem with his team, or with his teammate maybe. A problem with the FIA or with one of the many rules of their sport.
He hadn’t thought he might have been the problem.
It all made sense suddenly. Martin’s strange tension and embarrassment in his room. The way he had looked at him before his retirement dinner, the way his hand had gripped his arm almost painfully. The pained and sad eyes he had looked at Johannes with.
It’s easy to forget the sudden hug this afternoon and how their hands had brushed in comparison to all of this. Easy to forget the closeness Martin had still showed towards him. Easy to think he might have felt forced to act in that way, either not to stress Johannes…or because the media had been around.
“The car isn’t the only problem.” He mutters quietly and he can see a faint fear in Martin’s eyes. The fear that Johannes had just understood. Johannes wants to throw up suddenly. He wants to get away from his own room, to forget about everything he wanted to ask. To stay in a blissful ignorance of the wrong he might have done to his only friend, the man he’s in love with. The wrong that seemed to have caused his retirement. But Martin deserves better than that, deserves someone that care. Someone that would take his responsibility and beg for his forgiveness if he needed to.
If forgiveness even was possible.
“Did I cause your retirement?” he asks slowly, and once it’s out of his mouth it all make sense in a way he can’t even explain. Martin closes his eyes with a sigh, something akin to resignation once again painted on his beautiful face.
“My car was terrible and…” he tries to explain, his eyes opened again and deliberately avoiding Johannes’ face.
“Did I cause your retirement?” he asks again, his voice louder this time. Martin still isn’t looking at him and despite the minutes he’s still not answering. Johannes is brought back to before Baku all over again. To Martin acting like he was better, like he knew the rules and the whole world better than Johannes did. To a time where there was no doubt in Martin’s mind that if anything was to happen Johannes would be the one in the wrong. Not him, never him.
“Don’t I deserve a bit of a fucking answer? What have I done wrong? We are friends, you are my only fucking friend…Or we were at least? And I seem to have made you leave so I think I deserve at least to know…” he couldn’t finish his sentence before Martin’s voice interrupted him.
“You being my friend is the problem!”
Well. Johannes had expected a lot from this talk under the pretence of a dinner. But he hadn’t expected that slap in the face. It hits harder than Martin retiring hearing these few words out loud. He was nothing for Martin, and whatever friendship; and more; he had been feeling these last years, it was only one sided.
There is something cold and wet on his face, and Johannes doesn’t have to touch it to know it’s tears. He is crying like and idiot that just got rejected.
Maybe it’s because it’s basically what happened. How would Martin not reject him if he had already rejected his friendship. How could he had ever thought he deserved Martin even just as a friend? He was worthless and useless, someone nobody needed, someone nobody wanted. He would end up alone because his drive to be the best had driven everyone away from him. Had made him empty and unable to be loved.
He's crying harder, hiding his face into his hands. He can’t bring himself to look at Martin.
Suddenly Martin’s arms are around him, hugging him strongly. It’s the first time Martin hugs him like that, with so much intent, so much…
He wouldn’t use the word love considering what the French man had just said.
“Putain, I’m so sorry Johannes I didn’t mean…Merde,je…”
Martin’s voice is warm and his breath his brushing his ear. Johannes can’t help the ugly mix between a sob and a panicked laughter that escapes his mouth.
He really seems to have a type of man. A type that could be described as people that would never love him back. Just like Erlend. People that were his friends, and that he couldn’t help but loved more than he should.
Well, at least Erlend has been his friend at one point.
“Listen to me please. I didn’t mean it like that Johannes.”
“There isn’t a lot it could have meant.” He says between his sobs, trying his best to regain some composure.
“It’s…not fine but it’s okay really. I get it. I’m not easy to like. I just thought you liked me at least a bit even if not as much as I did.” It’s certainly half a confession in a way, that small admittance that he had liked Martin a lot more than he had let on. It’s the most truthful he might ever get to be about this beautiful thing he feels towards Martin. Half truthful is better than not at all, right?
“Johannes the problem isn’t that you’re not easy to like. Not at all. You’re the easiest man to like. Strong willed, focused, cunning, always here for the others, so beautiful and charming…You’re so easy to like that…”
Martin stops for a second, as if he was considering what he was saying to Johannes. For once. Maybe it would get him something better than “being friend with you is such a pain that it caused my retirement” this time.
“So easy to like that it’s so easy to do more than like you.”
Johannes is quite sure his mind is misunderstanding what Martin has just said. Because that sound a lot like a confession, and Martin couldn’t be confessing to him. Right? You didn’t confess to people that were not even your friend after so many years.
“I choose my words wrong. You being my friend is not the problem. It’s just that…I couldn’t help but feel more than just friendship towards you. I’m the problem because I fell in love with you a long time ago and I let it ruined our friendship because I kept wanting more and…”
Johannes stops Martin by crashing their lips together. After barely a beat, when Martin put both his hands on his wet cheeks and deepen the kiss it’s feel just like racing together did. Like being exactly in the right place, like being against one another, fighting to know who would end up on top but yet being together. It’s right, it’s just like joking together around the paddock, just like smiling at each other through wins and losses. It feels like being home, more than the car ever did, more than the paddock ever did. It feels like being loved, more than Johannes had ever felt in his entire life.
When they stop kissing Johannes opens his eyes again, enjoying how Martin can’t keep his eyes from his lips. No years of media training could hide the blush on his face of the obvious eagerness and happiness he feels.
“Did I succeed in finally getting you speechless?” Johannes says as jokingly as he can despite how his voice his shaking with want and hesitation. It’s not that different to say that to Martin even if they just kissed. It’s not weird or uncomfortable. It’s still just the two of them, just with something more. Something beautiful and lovely, something better but yet so natural.
“I guess you did. I wasn’t expecting you to kiss me…ever.” Martin answers softly and there is something so relieved and hopeful in his voice that Johannes can’t bring himself to even try to be half joking.
“I wasn’t expecting you to ever want it.” He says truthfully, and there is more love in these few words than in anything else he had ever said in his life. Martin smiles beautifully, of a new kind of smile Johannes had never seen before. One that is so sincere and beautiful that Johannes feels like he would be the only one to ever see it. An intimate and loving smile, and yet one that is so reassuring just as Martin is.
“I love you. I want you, your kisses, and anything else you might ever want to give me.”
Johannes feels his knees almost giving up. No one has ever told him something so loving and beautiful. He doesn’t have to say it out loud for Martin to know it. His smile grows even more reassuring as he takes Johannes’ hand gently. His thumb makes some slow reassuring circle on the top of his hand.
“I love you too Martin. I want…I want you to stay with me.” He confesses softly, and suddenly he can breathe so freely. It feels like something he’s been keeping hidden in his chest for so long is finally free. He loves Martin. And Martin loves him.
Martin beams at him, his smile bright as the sun itself. Johannes knows it might not be easy for them to make it work with his career, he knows he will have to consider coming out and everything that comes with it at one point. But when Martin kisses him again all of it fades under the warmth and the brightness of his love. Of their shared love.