Chapter Text
I could see her there as the pain receded into numbness, my senses failing and my breathing becoming ragged. At least she wasn’t hurt… that was the thought on my mind as I stared into those wonderfully golden eyes that were mine for what seemed like too short of a time. She spoke to me, cried words I did not hear, mouth moving in silent pleas as she gripped my body. I only half felt it. Tears were rolling down her face, and I imagine that they fell to mine making it seem like I, too, was crying, but that was not the case. I was happy… fulfilled… in a sense that I was able to keep my promise I’d made all those years ago…
All those years ago…
My mind drifted as I blinked; teetering on the edge of a precipice I was not ready to fall off of yet. I was reminded of when I was a little girl, so eager to join the Onmitsukido to please my family, but more so in the fact that I wanted to be close to the sun that was Shihouin Yoruichi. I wanted to be strong, to be by her side and always keep that beautiful woman safe.
I was a child though and didn’t realize that she was always trying to protect me, Shihouin Yoruichi needed no protection. She thought I was too quiet, too shy, too stiff… and that I needed to loosen up a bit, but I had duty and honor to uphold and having such thoughts pounded into your body day after day all of your life made it hard to forget your job.
She took me under her wing, hoping to loosen my stiff ways and “old values” (as she liked to call them) saying I was too hard on myself and that I didn’t need to worry—that I was doing just fine. I would nod and accept her words in public, but when I was alone I would endlessly berate myself. I would hate my weakness, my inability to complete my job, my lacking in skills, and my poor execution of work ethic. I hated myself and everything that I was… but she showed me that I was more than capable to complete my job, she taught me specifically, and that somehow made me more revered by people… and more prejudiced against.
I didn’t care though, I was in the presence of my Yoruichi-sama and every time I heard her say “little bee” my heart leapt into my throat and my face heated… I felt like I finally meant something to someone.
That all changed.
Urahara Kisuke had been caught doing experiments on Souls, attempting to make more powerful Shinigami by taking away the boundaries between us and the beasts that are Hollows. Yoruichi-sama went to save her best friend… two days after that night in the woods, a promise forgotten. She sped to his side without reason knowing only that the counsel was wrong, knowing that nothing good would come out of betraying the trust of the entire Seireitei.
I was left nary a note or any sign of where she’d gone, why she’d done it… and I thought to myself: “why didn’t you take me with you?” as I fell to the floor, crying.
I was wrong.
I meant nothing to anyone, I was not a significant being placed in the Seireitei, and I deserved nothing more than to die. I would not allow it though. For that one moment in time I thought I was something… I wanted to taste that again—wanted to show her that I was more than capable of taking care of her, stronger than her, more important than she would ever be…
So I trained fueled by hate and rage, depression and betrayal… All forms of emotion I’d never shown anyone seethed into my being and pushed my body farther than it had ever pushed itself before. I remember though, between all of that hate and anger, there were nights I would come home after a long day and collapse on my bed, crying, lamenting, nearly screaming her name before I would pass out from fatigue.
Did you know, Yoruichi-sama that I was looked down upon as an incompetent leader when I was first accepted as a captain? Oh, yes. I was the protégé of “that Shihouin woman” and they thought I would go AWOL just as you did. But I strove, Yoruichi-sama… I strove to prove them wrong; I was a better woman than you would ever be a better leader…
And I believed that for so, so long.
When you came back, I was astonished to say the least… So many emotions swirled within me, dormant for so long… too long. I could not allow myself to feel for you though, I was angry and spiteful, and now had a chance to show you how much better I was than you. When we fought, I was so bent on hurting you the way you’d hurt me, I hadn’t realized that I was hurting myself with every cut I carved on your body—every word I spat at you…
It was only until I noticed you were never trying to hurt me… that you were trying to protect me still after all of these years that I broke down. I’d hurt my Yoruichi-sama… I was the lesser woman, and I had no right to even think about you taking me with you. I’d never noticed I was so flawed, so imperfect, so horribly broken until you’d returned.
You apologized, and I never did… and that made you the stronger warrior. You’d taught me long ago that all emotion is a fuel for battle, despite how weak it might make you feel, one can always draw power from it, and I’d forgotten your words. I’d covered my ears, drowning out the soft words you spoke to me as a child, but now you had my attention yet again, and though I acted bitter and resentful… I was happy to have you again.
You spent more time with me afterwards… and I didn’t know why for the longest.
“My little bee, I’m making up for lost time!” You nearly sang when I asked you why you hadn’t left yet. It made me feel again. I realized the idolization of you, the admiration I felt for you as a child was slowly evolving into something more. I pushed those silly, frivolous thoughts from my mind… I still had a promise to keep and becoming infatuated with my mentor and my Captain would do nothing for me as those thoughts made me jump to irrational action.
I couldn’t help it…
The more time you spent with me, the more I felt for you. Your touch caused my skin to rise in goose bumps and heat with this strange feeling that grew in the pit of my stomach, causing my heart to ache every time you had something in the real world to do.
That day… the day you’d come to me, tired and drained, I allowed you to stay with me against my better judgment, you ended up sleeping on my shoulder the whole night. I couldn’t sleep, my dreams never being as good as the reality that was now in front of me as I was drawn to your beautiful tanned face, your pristine features glowing in the night of the full moon and I couldn’t help but running my fingers through your silk locks so much like the old days.
It was then when fear set in, I remember. I felt as though I’d loose you again and my arms wrapped around you in a protective, selfish embrace, wanting to never let you go. I could feel tears sting at my eyes as my mind refused to move from the topic and my body began to shake with silent sobs and suddenly I felt so ridiculous for feeling such fear, such terror when I was meant to not feel anything at all.
“What’s wrong?” You queried in your groggy voice, setting up and capturing my gaze with your own hazy golden one. You frowned, and I turned away, feeling ashamed for showing such emotion that had been hidden for so very, very long. You reached out and ran your fingers down my face so very softly, as though I would break if you were to press any harder against my face and it was then I realized the tears I tried to hold were running relentlessly down my face.
“D-don’t…” I stammered, not wanting you to touch me… not wanting to dirty your beautiful hands. You sighed, and pushed me on my back again, asking what was wrong again; I was lost in those golden pools, unable to push away from them again. I hesitated, but eventually told you what was wrong… that I was afraid.
I was surprised when you smiled gently down at me, bringing your thumb over my tear streaked cheeks saying that you were going nowhere before you bent down and my body stopped. The gentle warmth of your mouth was upon mine and I didn’t know why. You cupped my face, and softly ran those fingers down to my neck, causing me to shiver, jolting my mind back into gear. My heart beat painfully fast and my lips parted against my will, your fingers slid into my hair and your tongue entered my mouth and I couldn’t help but whimper… such a weak, wonderful noise…
This lasted for a moment more, my arms eventually wrapping themselves around your neck, holding on for dear life as my fingers threaded through your hair and I pushed myself back into the kiss, tongue battling with yours before you pulled back and smiled in that gentle way yet again, breathing a little labored. I, myself, nearly gasped for breath, unable to remember how to breathe and was unwilling to remove my arms from around you, knowing how silly it seemed. You bent down again and brushed your lips across mine before laying your head on my shoulder once again, breath ghosting across the nape of my neck, whispering yet again that you were going nowhere before settling back to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep all night.
After that you no longer left, ever. I felt it was too good to be true but you stayed true to your word… and I loved it… I loved you. I realized this after the third time we kissed; you always did before we went to bed, always whispering that you would never leave again. I felt higher than the stratosphere, euphoric every time your lips brushed mine and I knew that the pain in my heart that ached every time you pulled back was what it felt like to be in love. It was so beautifully comforting and so horribly painful; so blissfully wonderful, and excruciatingly arduous, and some time during all of this I realized that I could not live without you again.
The night I’d told you was the best night of my life, the day before it not being as grand. I’d gotten home after a very long mission… a very hard mission that was heavy in casualties. I barely managed to kill the enemy and when I got in you took me in your embrace… remember? I felt horrible… so many of my men were lost all due to my poor planning, in my eyes. In reality, it was not my fault; my sources were faulty. We severely underestimated the enemy and paid dearly for it. The guilt ate at me and you tried to make me feel better the only way you could.
You kissed me and I couldn’t help but break into tears, I’d almost lost you that day by loosing myself and I was scared. A questioning look took over your eyes before I grabbed your shoulders and brought you close, slamming my mouth into yours in a heated, desperate kiss. Of course, you returned it and when we broke apart you looked even more confused than before.
“I love you.”
Those words fell from my lips through a strained voice as the tears rolled down my face. You smiled at me gently and wiped away my tears again, much like the first time we kissed.
“I know,” You said, and my eyes widened with shock. You reciprocated my feelings in full causing my surprise to escalate, and you took my lips again. That was the first night we made love; passionate, unforgettable. Oh, the tenderness and love of the moment as I lay myself bare and weak, only for you. Your touch ignited flames so long burned out I was certain they’d never rekindle again. I pleaded with you, and made you beg, I would call your name and you screamed mine. The passion, love, lust, desire, want, need… the everything we felt for none but each other in those days.
I loved the way your body felt pressed against mine, so perfectly complementing; your breath skirting sensually over my neck as I called your name over and over. I loved the way your smooth hand would run across my skin and the sounds I made only for you, the only sound I loved more than that was your own sounds, your voice calling my name begging for what you needed. The way your lips felt, hot and needy, over my body memorizing every inch, and the way I returned the favor… all things I will never forget even in death.
That was not the only time we did such… activities. When we were angry, or hurt with each other our love was rougher, trying to hurt and punish, give pain and receive it, but we always ended up loving each other more afterwards, tenderly apologizing for the way we acted with gentler touches.
We lived our lives happily, getting into trouble but always getting out, and always dealing with the problems. You were reinstated into the Shinigami after I asked you to think about it, and joined my squad replacing that oaf Ōmaeda. Wonderful times were shared in that office as well…
It seems strange now that all of those memories are so far away… even this morning when I woke up in your arms and watched you sleep so placidly… it seems like centuries ago. I could feel a cough shudder through me as I opened my eyes again, looking back to that beautiful visage of my Captain… my mentor, my lover, my friend… and I felt like crying. I had to be strong though, I did not regret my decision of saving her, I had said many, many years ago that I would gladly give my life to her in the blink of an eye—the beat of a heart.
I knew my body was shutting down now… at least the man who tried to hurt her was dead. Her eyes were clouded with heavy tears as her lips moved, saying some things that I couldn’t hear. I managed to reach my hand up and cup it against the dark skin that I loved so much blood marring the tan now that I’d placed my hand here, my lips twitched upwards as I did. I struggled to open my mouth and the vibration in my throat told me I was speaking, but I couldn’t hear my words like I should.
M-my… Captain…I love…you
I thought, hoping the words came out. Her eyes widened and her brows furrowed as she leaned closer to me, holding me closely. She wasn’t skilled enough in medical Kidou to help much, and Unohana and her best healers were trapped… an excellently executed plan. I felt my body wracked with more coughs before I tried to speak again.
D-don’t cry… I… ays here…
I attempted to say the whole sentence as I placed my hand over the left side of her chest feeling that rapid heartbeat against the flat of my palm. I smiled, knowing she would be alive before my hand fell limp and I lost my grip on the ledge, plummeting into darkness, curious of the adventures that awaited me and if fate would bring me back to my lover when I was reborn again.