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When Louis was 16 and came out as gay, it was easy. Everyone had already guessed. But now, at 20, coming out as asexual wasn’t going as well. It’s not like he wasn’t trying, but he just couldn’t get the timing--or the wording--right. He’d known as a teen that “gay” wasn’t quite right. He liked other boys. That was definitely true. But...there was a disconnect. All the other guys on his soccer team seemed interested in getting into someone’s pants, but that didn’t appeal to him, and he didn’t know why. It wasn’t until a late-night study session had gotten so off track that Louis found himself on tumblr, that he discovered the reason for the disconnect. He was asexual. He’d rolled the word around on his tongue a while, trying to make it sound familiar and rereading the definition. “Someone who doesn’t feel sexual attraction.” Yeah, that was definitely him.
The first person he tried to tell was his roommate Zayn. They were sitting in the living room of their apartment, getting high, when Louis turned to the other boy and said, “I don’t want to have sex.”
Zayn laughed. “Good, I wasn’t offering.” He took a drag off the joint they were sharing and passed it over. Louis rolled his eyes.
“That isn’t what I meant,” he snapped as he snatched the joint from Zayn’s fingers.
“You need a snack or something? You’re awfully grumpy today,” he frowned slightly and paused the tv. “More so than normal, that is,” he added with a laugh.
“I hate you.”
Zayn snorted. “Sure you do, mate.” He held his hands up in mock defeat as the other boy glared. “Fine, fine.”
Sighing, Louis tried to calm himself down a little. “What I mean is, like…” he trailed off momentarily. “What if I just don’t want to at all?”
Zayn shrugged. “You should take that up with Harry if you don’t want to fuck him.”
“What?” Louis’ eyebrows furrowed. “What about Harry?”
“I’m either too high or not high enough to answer that question, man.”
Louis let the topic drop. He probably should have tried to bring it up when they weren’t smoking, but if they were at home, they were usually smoking. He tried to lose himself in the video they were watching but couldn’t focus. He laid down in bed not long after, making an excuse about a headache as a reason to go to bed early. As he walked away, he didn’t notice Zayn pull out his phone and start typing.
Second was Liam, who he generally regarded as the smartest of the group, except maybe himself. Liam had the best grades of them all and even had an internship. Louis felt certain that he could successfully make his point because even if he stumbled for words again, Liam could just parse it together with his big brain. Not even a full day had passed since he botched coming out to Zayn when he tried his luck again.
“So, uh,” he fumbled with the pencil in his hands, leaning over as he whispered, “Can I ask you something weird?”
Liam pushed his stack of books to the side and leaned in so the other library patrons wouldn’t overhear. “What’s up, bud?”
“I was online the other night, and it had me thinking.” He was about to explain his research and how he had discovered vocabulary to describe himself when Liam’s interruption completely sidetracked his train of thought.
“Wait. Is this about your weird conversation with Zayn about Harry?”
“No?” Louis scratched the back of his neck. “I didn’t say anything about Harry.” It briefly crossed his mind that after Zayn brought up Harry, he should have at least expected him to discuss it with his boyfriend. Whatever it was. He still couldn’t wrap his mind around what the other boy had implied. Sure, he thought to himself, he liked Harry a lot. But that didn’t change the fact that they weren’t actually dating. They were just really good friends. Really good friends who had recently also started making out. Completely normal.
“That’s not how I heard it.” Liam shrugged. “Let’s just study, yeah?”
“What did you hear?” Louis asked, his brow furrowed.
“Nothing. Nothing, I’m sure,” he replied with a reassuring smile.
Louis ruffled his hair huffily. It was just like Liam to be unnecessarily diplomatic and refuse to talk. “Whatever, I’m going back to my place. I’m not in the mood to study.” He gathered his things, giving Liam a terse wave as he left.
The third time, he wasn’t trying to tell anyone when Harry burst into the apartment later that day. Louis was lounging on the couch, doom-scrolling, glad that Zayn was at work. His talk with Liam had put him out of sorts, and he didn’t feel like hanging out.
“Hey, Haz. What’s up?” He asked as the other boy shut the door, who cringed as it accidentally slammed behind him. He was instantly in a better mood upon seeing Harry and soaked in the comfort of his presence.
“Hi, Lou.” He shuffled a bit on his feet before throwing himself onto the couch with the other boy. Louis automatically nuzzled his face into the boy’s hair as Harry snuggled closer. He got butterflies in his stomach every time they touched. But what Harry said next caused his stomach to drop. Shyly, peeking up from between his eyelashes, he said, “Did you tell Zayn you don’t like me?”
“What?” He recoiled in horror. “No! Harry, you’re my best friend. Of course I like you.” He wondered what the hell Zayn had been saying to their friends and determined to confront him on it later.
Harry shifted to look him properly in the eye. “But I thought--is that all we are? Best friends?”
“I mean, as opposed to what?” Louis blinked in confusion.
“Don’t be mean, Lewis. If you don’t like me that way, fine, but don’t pretend not to know.” Harry was scowling now, no longer worried but quickly approaching anger.
“Know what?” Louis asked, genuinely baffled.
“I just thought we were taking things slow,” Harry said with a scoff.
“Oh. OH!” Louis flushed as understanding washed over him. “I definitely like you like that,” he said intently.
Harry pouted. “Then why’d you tell Zayn you don’t want to have sex with me?”
“I don’t think that’s what I said,” Louis questioned. “I thought I said I just didn’t want to have sex.”
“With who, though? Because unless you’re dating someone else too, that means me!” Harry’s voice was slightly shaking with the effort to stay calm.
“I meant in general!” Things were getting out of hand, but Louis was too confused as to how they’d gotten to this point to put a stop to it.
“Sure,” Harry grunted, ripping himself out of the other man’s arms as Louis reached for him. He stomped towards the exit. “That makes sense.”
“But it’s…” The front door slammed shut. “True.”
The fourth time he tried to tell someone, Niall was staring at him over a cup of coffee in the quad. Zayn had spent the weekend with Liam, which meant that the only time he’d seen him was this morning, and he hadn’t had a chance to talk to him about what was going on.
“Sooooooo,” Niall started. “Why’d you break up with Harry? He won’t tell me what happened, but he’s really upset.”
Louis groaned. “I’m pretty sure he broke up with me, considering I didn’t realize we were going out,” he said with a shrug, feeling defeated.
Niall laughed with a snort. “You are an idiot. Friends don’t just look at each other like that. And they definitely don’t cuddle--or whatever else--the way you do.” Louis made a face in embarrassment, shrugging. He knew this now, but three days ago, it was still news to him. “So what happened?” Niall replied.
“He thinks I don’t like him because I don’t like sex.”
Niall squinted at him. “You two did it and you didn’t like it? Or…?”
“No, we haven’t.” He rolled his eyes at the surprised look on his friend’s face that quickly became comprehension as Louis continued speaking. “I just don’t want to. With anyone! Which is what I was trying to explain when he just stormed out!” Louis sighed right as Niall exclaimed loudly.
“Ah ha!”
“What?” Louis questioned.
“I get where the misunderstanding came in,” Niall said gleefully as he grabbed his bag.
“Yeah,” Louis answered, “because he wouldn’t let me tell him that I’m--” Niall was already up and running as Louis muttered the word “asexual” to the dust he left behind him.
The fifth time Louis tried to come out, Niall did it for him. That evening, he had gathered their friend group into Louis and Zayn’s living room. A frosty Harry leaned against the wall, eyeing Louis who was seated on the couch with Zayn and Liam. He wasn’t feeling particularly friendly towards either, considering the past week, and so he shoved himself as far into the arm of the couch as he could, sulking. Niall was standing in front of them like he was about to give a presentation.
Niall spread out his arms and welcomed them.
“Thank you all for coming here today, as there is something important our beloved Tommo has been trying to share with us for the past week.”
Louis dropped his head into his hands, muttering, “This is so not happening,” under his breath.
“Knowing he’s the dumbest of us--” Niall continued, despite the snort of derision coming from Louis. “I suggest we all take a moment to reflect on
exactly
what he told each of us. I’ll give you all a moment.” He waited for a few beats before speaking again. “Zayn, he said what to you? Verbatim if you could, to the best of your memory.
“What the fuck? No. Don’t answer that,” Louis snapped. “Could we just, like, not? Niall?”
The other boy huffed in response. “Fine. We can skip the specifics.” He took the fine muttered under Louis’ breath as affirmation that he could continue with his speech. “Now, where was I? Ah, yes. What he was trying to say to you, gents, was that there’s a concept one or two of you may know about from our local chapter of the GSA. This concept is the fact that some people don’t experience sexual attraction. It’s called Asexuality and occurs in roughly 1% of the population.” Niall nodded back at Harry, who had gasped loudly, in confirmation. “So, our Lou-bear wanted you to know that he is one of these people who identify as asexual. Isn’t that right Louis?”
“Well, yes, but--” He sighed as Niall cut him off with a wave of the hand.
“But you just couldn’t get the words out without first propositioning your roommate and breaking up with your boyfriend. We’ve all been there.”
“No, we haven’t,” Liam whispered in confusion. “Ow!” Zayn had smacked him in the arm to make him shut up.
“So,” Niall said with finality, “would anyone like to ask any questions? Make any statements? Yes, Louis?” he said with a grin, noting with amusement that the boy’s hand was raised. A hand that Louis looked at with disgust as he brought it down, realizing he’d just asked to speak in his own apartment at his own coming-out announcement.
“While I really appreciate that you actually knew what I was trying to say, is there a reason we had to do it this way?” His annoyance was evident.
“We’re practicing mediation in my RA training class.” A chorus of understanding “Ah’s” went around the room as the rest of the friends nodded and shrugged.
Harry hesitantly raised his hand. Niall called on him to speak. “So, I’m an asshole,” Harry said, dragging out the syllables. Louis chewed his lip, trying to keep his face neutral, while Niall shrugged in agreement. “I’d really like to apologize and talk this out if you’d let me.” His shoulders were slumped in embarrassment and guilt.
“I’d like to talk too,” Louis replied softly. Adding more firmly, “Privately,” with a distinct glance at the other boys. When none of them made to move, he sighed. “In my bedroom, then.” He got up from the couch and motioned to the hall.
Harry followed him down the hallway into the room, taking an awkward seat on Louis’ bed as the desk chair was already covered in clothes. Louis settled down a few feet away, the distance feeling like miles from how things had been the last few times they sat on the bed together. The last time they had taken a nap, which was not unusual for the pair of friends, they woke up and the air around them had felt still with promise. That was when their lips brushed for the first time. The pair kissed often and at length for the next couple of weeks, but never with the fire that Harry had expected to ignite. It was always gentle, like a soft summer rain. He thought they were taking things slow. “I’m so sorry I didn’t listen to you,” Harry said to break the ice.
“I wasn’t very clear,” Louis replied. “I hate that you thought I wasn’t interested in you. Because I am. I really am, in every other way,” he said earnestly, “just not like that.”
Harry looked at him, resigned and apologetic. “I hadn’t even remembered that was an option and just freaked out at you. It’s awful, and I wouldn’t be offended if you didn’t like me anymore.” He flinched at the sharp look his words conjured from Louis.
“Harry,” he said firmly, “you’re not listening. I just said I am so into you. Romantically. Aesthetically. Emotionally. Sensually. And a million and one other ways I can’t even name!” He gestured animatedly as he spoke. So animatedly that Harry was surprised when his hands suddenly dropped to his lap and he said in a near whisper, “I just hope that’s enough for you.”
Harry thought for a moment before replying. “Can...can I ask a few questions? So I can understand it through your words, not Niall’s.”
Louis managed to conjure half a smile out of the nervous expression on his face. His body was tense with worry. “Go for it.”
“How long have you known?” Harry was surprised when Louis laughed.
“Like, a matter of weeks.” Harry mouthed out an oh in surprise. “I wasn’t going around hiding it from you guys or anything,” Louis said defensively. “I just had to process it myself.”
Harry nodded. “And what about,” Louis could hear the hard swallow he took, “other boys? Did you and they…?”
Louis scrunched his nose. “No, never. My ex never pushed it after I said no.”
“You mean, you’re a virgin?” Harry’s eyebrows were deeply furrowed.
“I wouldn’t make such a big deal of it, but yeah.” Louis shrugged, trying to seem more casual about the topic than he felt.
Harry sighed in relief, earning himself an inquisitive scowl in response. “I just, I mean, so am I. So that’s cool.” Some of the tension had left Louis, and Harry hoped his next question wouldn’t bring it back. He thought for a moment about how to phrase his thoughts before adding, “And do you think you’d ever want to try it? Sex, I mean.”
Louis shook his head. “I don’t know. I don’t want to now, but I suppose I can’t say never. I mean, sexuality is fluid, so you never know?” He chewed the inside of his lip. Harry had only nodded in response, and after a few moments of silence, he was getting nervous.
“I think that could be enough for me.” Harry’s voice was hushed when he finally spoke. “Like, I don’t know if I’m ready to do it yet anyways, just personally. So it’s not even an issue. And if it becomes an issue, we can cross that bridge when we get there.”
Louis grinned shyly, his eyes crinkling. “You really think so?”
Harry grinned back. “I really think so.” He leaned forward to capture the other boy’s lips, but to his surprise, Louis leaned away. He furrowed his brow in confusion, concerned he’d done something wrong.
“So, just to be sure we’re on the same page, we are dating, right? Like, I can call you my boyfriend?” Louis’ voice was completely serious; he was unwilling to have that miscommunication again. It had quite nearly ruined everything.
“Yes,” Harry laughed, “You can definitely call me your boyfriend.” He grinned as Louis closed the space between them, planting a soft kiss on his lips.
“Good,” Louis muttered into his mouth. He thought briefly that they should probably let the boys know things were okay but pushed it from his mind. Harry was finally his boyfriend; they could wait.