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I opened my eyes slowly, yawning away what little sleep I had in my body. I searched for my boyfriend, Dazai, to find that he was still sleeping peacefully next to me. I motioned my hands closer to him and ran the tips of my fingers over the gauze on his chest. His eyelids fluttered open, and his reddish-brown irises stared at me lovingly. I felt loved.
He smiled softly at me and patted my head, his hands were cold against my scalp. I smiled slightly at the feeling and buried myself deeper within the warm blankets that were over us. "Mmh we need to get up, slug." "It's kinda messed up that your pet name for me is 'slug', Dazai." "How so?" "You're comparing me to a slimy creature who eats dead animal bodies in the forest." "Fair fair. But you compare me to a gross fish so it's only right." "Fair enough, mackerel." Dazai stuck his tongue out at me childishly and I felt a wave of laughter come over me.
As my chuckles rang throughout the room, Dazai's soft smile only grew, and he sat up, moving his hands to pet my shoulder. I sat up too- and damn it my hair was a mess- in order to see if I'd remotely grown in sitting height or something compared to Dazai. Yes, he was only like nine inches taller right now, but he's still growing somehow, and I'm not, and it pisses me off. I know we're eighteen and all, but let me have some hope here.
Even though I haven't grown in three years.
He got out of the bed and stretched his arms, and I crawled to the end of the bed to go to the bathroom. I looked in the mirror of the bathroom, and took off my shirt.
Scars. Scars. Scars. They're all over me. I hate it. They're like bugs, little maggots reminding me that I'm not a human. I'm not a human. I'm not a human. I'm not a human. I'm not a human. That constant fucking reminder. Maggots crawling and dying all over me. I've killed. Pointlessly. It's like I could feel their cold, dead hands grabbing at me, burdening me, slowly killing me. Hey. Get them off of me. I beg anyone. Just get these scars- these maggots off of me.
I began to scratch at my skin, tearing the scars off of my skin. Blood flowed down my arms and got under my fingernails. I heard the sound of drops echoing against the bathroom walls. I don't know if that was blood dripping on the floor or water falling from the shower head. I don't care. I just want these maggots off of me. Get them off of me. Please. I scratched more, my arm was bright red from the blood rushing to my skin, and my hands reeked of the metallic blood that covered those maggots I want gone.
The door opened and I heard something drop, I don't know what. I felt warm arms wrap around me, warmth that I'd known for a while. Dazai. His embrace was tight, and I could tell he was angry with me. "Stop it.." His voice was pained. "Why are you hurting yourself? Why do you look so damn happy?" I couldn't bring myself to answer him. "Please stop doing that. Your scars are beautiful, even if they're burdens. Please don't hurt yourself like this." "You hurt yourself plenty, am I not allowed the same pleasure you have?" I grabbed the bandages on his right arm and tugged at them, slightly unraveling them.
"That's... That's different." "How?! Tell me how that's different!!" I turned around in his embrace and grabbed the bandages on his chest, ripping them with my bloodied fingernails.
The gauze fell on the ground, revealing Dazai's long scars that covered his body, some old, some new. He looked down at me, and just hugged me tighter. "You're not a burden, though. Your scars shouldn't be a burden to you." "Hypocrite." "I know." He told me simply, burying his face in my hair. He moved slightly, and his arms fumbled around a drawer behind us. Oh. He was looking for bandages. He picked me up, and my legs instinctively wrapped around his waist and I buried my face in his chest.
He sat me down in the shower, and started to spray my arm down with the shower head. The water was warm, and calming. I felt like I didn't deserve this though. It feels weird. I don't deserve any of this. That's all that rang through my mind as Dazai silently cleaned the blood off my arm, revealing small cuts all over my upper arm. I heard him sigh as he turned off the shower and began to wrap my bloodied arm in gauze.
"You're a human, okay?" He assured me and hugged me again. "You're my slug, okay?" "Okay...." I murmured in his shoulder.
That's a lie. That's a lie. That's not what he thinks. He's lying to you. He will always lie to you. I'm not a human. I need to get the bugs off of my skin.
No. Please. Stop it. He's not lying. He can't be. Stop it.
He hugged me tighter, and held my hand tightly. "I saw you trying to scratch your arm again." I looked down in shame, and turned away from him.
"My biggest fear is that one day, you will look at me like I look at myself." I simply told him. He shook his head. "You can be annoying sometimes, and you definitely get angry with me for no reason sometimes, but I don't hate that about you so much that I would look at you like that. You'll always be human." "Promise you won't ever leave me." "Where'd that come from, slug?" "Promise me!" "I promise..." Dazai said, comforting me, but he still sounded confused. I myself don't know why I made him promise that, but still.. I don't want him to leave.
The rest of that day, Dazai spent it by my side, comforting me until I fell asleep that night.
When I woke up, he wasn't there. His side of the bed was cold, so he'd been up for a long time. When I called his name, I didn't get a reply. I looked around for him, and all I saw was a note on the table that read,
"I'm sorry that I broke my promise, slug."
I stared at the note in horror. He broke... His promise... He left me...? He abandoned me...
No.
This is a dream.
A dream.
It's all just a bad dream.
When I wake up, he'll be there and hug me.
He'll tell me it's all okay.
It's just a dream.
It's all okay.
He didn't break his promise.
This isn't happening.
This... Can't... Be real.
FIVE YEARS LATER.
"Chuuya, this is farewell to you too. It's a shame things turned out like this. Seven years since we met, and we've done nothing but quarrel with each other. But... If I really think about it, there were some moments where we did really love each other. Like that one time-!" There was a short pause. "Sorry, I can't think of any. Well then, goodbye, slug!"
These were the words I heard as the oxygen left my lungs.
Really, Dazai? You are one cruel son of a bitch.