Chapter Text
The nightmares are worse without him here. My mighty templar. I didn’t think days could be so long. I feel more exhausted at the end of the day now that when we were traipsing all over creation, fighting demons and red templars and anything else with a weapon and half a brain. Back then, I counted the days until I could return to Skyhold, where Cullen would always be waiting for me with a kiss and a smirk that could make a dragon forget how to breathe fire.
I wake up on the floor, Dorian standing over me. “Ellana? Are you alright?” He asks, pulling me up into a sitting position.
Sleeping alone is impossible. I feel like I’m being stretched across my bed, trying to fill the space of two with just one of me. Even moving back into my old bed didn’t help. Dorian sleeps with me now. I hate to pull him away from Iron Bull, but he’s my best friend and the warmth helps. The nightmares don’t go away, but at least when I do have one, he is there to comfort me. I don’t think I could kick him out now, anyways. He jumped at the idea when Cole suggested it. Before that, Cole had been bringing me tea, more pillows, cute animals - anything he could think of to lift my spirits. None of it worked, of course, but it was sweet.
“I’m...” I almost say fine, but then Dorian gives me that raised-eyebrow tell me the truth look. He hates it when I say fine. “Oh, alright.” I pull my knees up to my chest and lean against the bed, curling my toes into the rug until it hurts.
Dorian sits down next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders. “Tell me.”
I lay my head back on his elbow and take a deep breath. “I was lost in the Fade again. Corypheus stood in front of me, with Cullen. He...he kept killing Cullen in different ways, but he kept coming back. I didn’t...I couldn’t move, couldn’t save him. He just kept dying and dying and I...” I swallow hard, my mouth suddenly dry, all the water in my face spilling from my eyes. “I woke up. I left him there to die again.” By the end I’m shouting. I hold my eyes open, not even daring to blink. Every time I do, it’s like it’s still happening. He’s still there, in the Fade. I abandoned him."
Dorian pulls me into his arms. “Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe now.”
My body trembles as I mutter, “But he isn’t.”
Dorian stands up, pulling me with him. “Let’s go get something to eat. It’s close enough to breakfast that there should be food ready. You might even feel a little better afterwards.”
I nod. I’m not hungry but I’m not going to get any more sleep, especially with the sun starting to show on the horizon.