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James and Regulus weren’t meant to last. They were destined to break up from the beginning, merely a summer fling, built on the fact they weren’t going to see each other again.
That doesn’t mean James didn’t take it seriously. He takes everything seriously, he can’t help it. Caring too much has been the foundation of every single relationship he’s had over the course of his life. His parents cared for him since the moment he was born, and encouraged him to do the same. His life was built on love, so who could blame him for loving a little too much?
James knew he loved Regulus the moment he saw him. Their families had coincidentally gone swimming in the ocean at the same time. James saw Regulus and his black, face framing curls lightly sprinkled with water from the spray of the waves. Already wet shoulders glistening under the sunlight, catching James’ attention like a fishing line.
An ending hadn’t even been a consideration in James’ mind. Everything about Regulus made him want to stay forever.
That couldn’t be the case, though.
-
“Why can’t we at least stay in contact? I want to see you again,” James practically begs Regulus, mindlessly tossing a rock into the ocean.
Regulus picks up a rock of his own, doing the same. “James, you knew this wouldn’t last from the beginning. It wasn’t supposed to. You shouldn’t have gotten so attached.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t have gotten involved. I warned you that I get like that. I told you I never wanted this to end,” James raises his voice during the last sentence.
“It’s not my fault you had to be so unrealistic about everything. It’s not my fault you had to care so much.”
The last sentence is a punch in the gut for James. Of course he cared. How could he not? Regulus was a shiny piece of metal in a heap of sand. James’ heart was a metal detector, picking up Regulus as valuable. Nothing Regulus ever says could make James care less. James sees every barrier and wall Regulus puts up as a new challenge, a new door to open, a new facet to experience. Without realizing, Regulus made James care even more than he normally would.
“Don’t stand there and lie. Don’t tell me that you didn’t care. You did,” James tells Regulus.
Regulus throws his arms up and laughs. “You’re right! Maybe I did! But I’m not letting that get in the way now, am I?” Regulus looks at James, waiting for an answer. James doesn’t have one. Regulus continues. “It doesn’t matter what I thought, or felt, before. Right now, I can let go, and you clearly can’t. That’s the problem.”
“You know that’s not true, Regulus. I know you. I know you do still care, and I know this is hard for you. I know you’re scared of what will happen if you let this go farther. Please, just give it a chance.”
Regulus raises his voice. “No James, you don’t know me. You know things about me. If you did truly know me, you’d know I do really mean what I’m saying. I’m sorry if it’s too blunt for you.”
Regulus doesn’t wait to see if James has anything to add. He turns the other way and walks slowly along the beach, back toward his house, his family, and a life James isn’t a part of.
James knows now Regulus did care, but in the moment, his words cut through James like a knife, straight to his heart.
-
James lays on his bed, back at his house, replaying the last moment he had with Regulus over and over in his mind. It pains him to know that’s the last thing he has to remember him by. A yelling match that led to Regulus simply walking away for good, without looking back. James is rarely angry, but he is right now. He is at Regulus. He’s angry at him for leaving him with an argument as a last memory. He’s angry at him for saying he doesn’t care. He’s angry at him because he isn’t here, with him, right now.
If you did truly know me, you’d know I do really mean what I’m saying. Out of everything Regulus said, James can’t push that particular line out of his head. Everything inside him is screaming at him, telling him Regulus was wrong. Every fiber of James’ being knew Regulus.
-
Regulus runs his hand down James’ back, tracing the line of his spine. It sends a comforting shiver through James, the familiarity of Regulus’ touch rushing to his head. He’s memorized it by now. His hands are cold, but not uncomfortably so. They contrast well with the warmth of James’ body, and even more so with the heat of summer.
“What are you thinking?” Regulus whispers, dragging his fingers back up James’ back.
James shifts on the bed so he’s face to face with Regulus. “By this time tomorrow you’re gone. The next day I am too. In two weeks I have to put this summer behind me whether I want to or not. I’m not ready.”
Regulus sighs, pulling his fingers through James’ hair. “I’m not pleased about it either, but it’s going to happen either way, James.”
“I don’t want this to be a summer fling anymore. I want to be with you.”
Regulus doesn’t respond, he just continues to run his fingers through James’ hair, massaging his scalp in the process.
James looks at Regulus, laying in front of him, moonlight cast over him, and his eyes burn with tears. He knows it’s pathetic, but looking at Regulus, really looking at him, is like looking at a star. Beautiful and brilliant, but distant, forever unreachable. James doesn’t mind the distance. He’s gotten closer to Regulus than he ever thought he could. He just has the selfish urge to be stuck like this forever; stargazing.
“I’m not ready to stop knowing you, Regulus. I’m not ready to stop loving you.”
“You don’t have to. It just has to be done from a distance.”
James shakes his head, refusing the idea.
“Please be realistic James. I’m not the kind of person you can love forever. You’ll find something you don’t like.”
“But there isn’t anything I don’t like about you,” James protests.
Regulus shakes his head. “But you’ll find something.” James opens his mouth to protest again, but Regulus covers it with his hand. “You will.”
A tear involuntarily rolls down James’ nose and over to his other eye. He quickly blinks it out, but another falls in its place. His throat burns, asking him to begin sobbing.
Regulus wipes the tear off his nose and moves his hand to cup his cheek. “I’m sorry.”
Before James can respond, Regulus kisses him. It’s soft and warm, not filled with the heat and lust from the beginning of the summer. It’s comforting, but turns bittersweet as Regulus pulls away. The taste of a goodbye lingers on James’ lips.
-
James reaches to rub the memory out of his eyes, and his hand comes back wet. The anger is gone, and instead, in its place is a dull ache. James doesn’t want to think about Regulus anymore. He worries that every memory of them, even the pleasant ones, are going to have a sense of doom cast over them.
James hasn’t unpacked yet. He shuffles over to his suitcase, plopping down on the floor next to it. He begins to sort through his clothes, tossing them aimlessly in his closest, telling himself he’ll organize them later. He reaches for the last article in the suitcase, and his breath hitches. It’s nothing but a white button up, but it isn’t his.
-
“I want to show you something.” Regulus tugs on James’ wrist, pulling him off the path they were previously walking and to a small patch of grass. Beyond the grass are trees, an entire forest of them.
James stops. “Isn’t the path there for a reason? What if we get lost?”
Regulus shakes his head, pulling James forward again. “I’ve been coming here every summer since I can remember. I know this place better than anything. Trust me.”
James nods. He’d follow Regulus anywhere, and he’d trust him without hesitation, easier than breathing.
Regulus leads James past the treeline. The summer sun shines in beams through the thick leaves. The ground is covered in a carpet of thick moss and rich soil. There’s no path, but Regulus steps over the large roots without even looking down, guiding James through the scenery slowly letting go of his wrist to reach for his hand and slips his fingers though James’.
Regulus is looking ahead of him, but James is looking at Regulus. He stands out in the greens and browns of the forest. He’s wearing James’ dark red t-shirt. It’s slightly big on him, slipping off of one of his shoulders and reaching to his mid-thigh. It was one of James’ favorites, but he’d never wear it again if it meant he got to see it on Regulus.
The trees thicken as they walk farther, the roots become larger. They poke out of the ground like spider-legs, giving the illusion of life.
Regulus squeezes James’ hand. “We’re almost there.”
As he says that, the trees begin to thin, revealing a large clearing.
They’re still deep in the woods, but the clearing is bright with sunlight. In the middle, surrounded by tall grass, is a small body of water. It’s see-through and clean, mostly untouched.
Regulus stops and turns to James. He looks nervous, like he’s worried James will be disappointed.
James blinks. “Wow.”
Regulus laughs, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt.
“Are you the only one who knows about this?”
Regulus shrugs. “As far as I know, yeah.”
“It’s incredible, Regulus.”
Regulus nods, a shy smile growing on his face. “Do you want to swim?”
They both discard their shirts and shoes at the edge of the water. After walking in the heat, the coolness is refreshing. James throws his glasses to the side and dives under. He extends his arms in front of him, pushing the water to the side and moving forward. He prepares himself for the sting, then opens his eyes. Though his vision is blurry, (both from the water and the fact that he wears glasses) the water is practically transparent. It’s a shade between blue and green. Sunlight splits through and hits the bottom. James swims through the beams, reaching out to grab them, and coming up empty.
He resurfaces, rubbing his eyes and shaking his head back and forth sending water droplets everywhere.
“You just got my hair wet!” Regulus complains, sending a splash toward James. James covers his face in defense, despite already being wet.
“You shouldn't have done that,” James splashes Regulus back with more water than he had been hit with.
Regulus swats at the water, but fails to keep himself dry. As James throws his head back in laughter, Regulus sends more water toward him, causing him to inhale it. He bends over and starts coughing, slightly choking on the water.
“Are you okay?”
James nods, trying to catch his breath. In the same moment, he shoves both hands in the water, and sends a wave straight at Regulus.
“I hate you.” Fixing him with his best glare, which doesn’t have the effect it would if he didn’t look like a soaked kitten.
They sit on the edge of the water, waiting while the sun dries them. Regulus begins picking grass off of his shirt, throwing it in the other direction.
“You can keep that, if you want.”
Regulus looks up at James, confused.
“The shirt. If you want it, it’s yours.”
Regulus shakes his head. “No. You like it a lot. You didn’t even have to let me wear it this much.”
“Regulus,” James pulls his hands away from the shirt, holding them in his lap. “I want you to have it. You’re right, I like it, but I like you more.”
Regulus shakes his head again, but James nods.
-
Regulus put his shirt in James’ suitcase. Was it a thank you for James letting him keep his shirt? Was it a goodbye gift? Was it supposed to be an extension of Regulus himself? Something for James to remember him by? James doesn’t know, and he doesn’t have Regulus here to ask. He assumes it’s every reason and more. Regulus would think through it all.
He picks the shirt up tenderly, keeping it in his folded state. He doesn’t want to unfold it, face its shape, face its emptiness, a space that should be filled by Regulus. It’s buttoned all the way up, the way Regulus wore it. He didn’t wear it often, James only saw him wear it once, at a dinner with Regulus’ family. To him, it represents something prim and proper, removed from the Regulus he knew.
James brings the shirt up to his face and inhales sharply, hoping it smells like Regulus. Despite the small number of times he’s worn it, it does. The scent hits James just a bus, fills his senses, burns his mind with memories. He immediately lets out a choked sob, quickly placing the shirt down in his lap so as not to get it wet, to taint it.
Sitting criss-cross on his bedroom floor, hunched over a simple white button-up shirt, James weeps. Weeps and heaves and gasps like his body is trying to express every single thing he felt for Regulus into some physical display of emotion. Every touch, every whisper, every utterance of sweet nothings, every fervent hope for more.
No amount of crying or screaming could account for everything James and Regulus had, so despite the burn in James’ throat the tears that prickle his eyes, he pulls himself together.
He wipes his eyes, and looks down at Regulus’ shirt.
-
They stumble blindly in the darkness of James’ room, a mix of heat and hands and mouths. The rest of the house is quiet, everyone else has gone to bed or gone home. They fall onto his bed, and James stops. Stops and stares at Regulus. He’s looked at him before, stared at him while he swam, while he went on long walks through town. He’s shared quick glances with him across the table while their families ate together, but now he can finally look at him, free of any distractions or obstacles.
Dark curls fall delicately on the pillow behind him. Half-lidded eyes stare back up at James. Cheeks flushed with crimson and slightly parted lips. A few buttons are undone at the top of his shirt, the fabric beginning to wrinkle. Through the window shines moonlight that illuminates him that mimics a scene from a painting. Everything about him is a work of art and James finds that he is lucky to call himself a witness.
Regulus’ eyebrows knit together in confusion. “What are you doing?”
“Looking.”
Regulus studies James, a puzzled look on his face. “At what?”
“You.”
They lay in bed in a tangle of limbs and bodies. The room brightens with the rising sun.
Regulus begins to untangle himself from James. “I think I should go.”
“Why?” James tries to pull him back into bed.
“I’d assume you’d want me to go. That’s how this works, isn’t it?”
James shakes his head. “Not for me, no.”
“Why?”
“Because I like you, and I don’t want you to go.”
James runs his finger down Regulus’ back, tracing his spine.
“James, the summer is going to end eventually. I’ll have to leave eventually.”
James sighs. “I know, but can we pretend it won’t? Just for now?”
Regulus turns around, facing James. He studies him, his gaze darting all around his face. He settles on James’ eyes.
He nods. “Okay. Just for now.”
-
James stands in front of his mirror, adjusting Regulus’ shirt. It’s too small to wear properly as a button up, so he puts on a t-shirt and leaves it open. He tugs at it, trying to fix it. He doesn’t really know what he’s fixing. It just feels wrong to see it on anyone other than Regulus, including himself.
He hears a knock at his door. He knows it’s his dad. He goes to sit down on his bed so he’s not discovered awkwardly standing in front of his mirror.
“Come in.”
Fleamont steps inside the room, closing the door behind him. He stops and takes a look at James before sitting next to him on the bed.
“That shirt,” he starts. “Is it Regulus’s?”
James looks at his father, shocked. “How did you know?”
Fleamont puts his hand on James’ shoulder, gripping it firmly. “I always do.”
James lets out a soft. “Oh.”
Fleamont clears his throat. “That’s what I wanted to talk about.”
“What about it?”
“I wanted to see if you were okay. I imagine this is very difficult.”
James feels his throat begin to burn. “I really miss him, Dad.” His voice cracks.
Fleamont rubs James’ back. “And you’re going to. I won’t lie. You’re going to miss him forever.” James sniffles. “But don’t only miss him. Think back on what you had fondly. Celebrate it.”
James leans in and buries his face in his father’s chest. Tears run down his face. “It hurts too much to think about. I’ve sat here all day, remembering everything. Remembering him. It hurts.”
Fleamont lightly pushes James off his chest. “James, look at me. People spend their entire lives looking for what you two had. They would do anything to feel just an ounce of what you felt for each other. Don’t try to snuff that out. Don’t try to push it down. Feel it wholly and completely. Miss him with everything you’ve got.
“Your whole life, you’ve loved with everything in you. You’ve never given anything less than unconditional. Regulus was no exception. I didn’t know him like you did, but I don’t doubt he felt the same for you. The way your love touches people, It reaches into them and calls them to do the same. You two loved so fiercely. You’re going to hurt just as fiercely. It’s simply a reminder of your love.”
James sobs for the second time today, but this time he doesn’t try to stop it. He doesn’t try to push it back down. He lets it consume him. He lets his father hold him like he would hold a broken child. He lets his father hold him and rock him as every feeling he ever had and will have for Regulus rip through him, tearing him open.