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Lily knew she was a pretty girl. Sure, she was not magnetic like Dorcas, or chaotically attractive like Marlene, but she was fierce and elegant, and boys liked her.
Many times she’d been asked out by guys of her year, and even a couple of older boys too. Sometimes she agreed, just to not make them feel bad. The other girls often asked her why she didn’t have a boyfriend yet, and she always replied
“I don’t think I’ve found the right one for me yet.”
Until the right one was in front of her.
“C’mon Lils go out with me, just once. I can show you how good we could be together” James had told her.
And the thing is, Lily knows James would be good for her.
James is fun. He makes her laugh all the time and knows how to cheer her up when she’s sad. They’d become friends when James stopped annoying her in a bad attempt at flirting and started talking to her with genuine interest and care.
James is smart. They have meet ups in the library with all their friends and, even if Remus is the token ‘nerd’ of the group, James is intuitive. He often doesn’t study but knows how to find answers anyway, surprising everyone every time.
James is handsome, Lily cannot deny that. His brown skin and dark hair make him look like a model, but the most attractive thing about James was his smile, how it could brighten up the whole room and make his eyes shine with enjoyment.
James is, for a fact, everything a girl would look for in a boyfriend.
So why do I not like him?, Lily thought, why can I not like him?
Lily had tried. She’d tried to look at James the way she knew he looked at her, but she couldn’t. Lily loved James, but not in the way a girlfriend should love a boyfriend.
And this pained her, because she knew she was hurting James. He should have more, James deserved someone who would love him entirely and passionately like he did, and that was not Lily.
She had told James many times, but this time he knew something was different.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered to him, trying not to cry.
“Oh Lils, please don’t cry. I cannot force you to like me, now I know that. Someone knocked some sense into me, and I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable, I really want to be your friend” James had told her.
“It’s not your fault” she clarified.
“It is not yours either”, James shrugged, “but when you find the guy for you he will have to work hard to get the marauders approval, and he better not have prettier hair than me”
Lily chuckled.
“Your hair looks like a bird nest, James”
“HEY! Okay fair you’re right”
Lily started laughing, but for some reason what James told her was stuck in her mind.
“When you find the guy for you”
Was there even a guy for her?
Looking back, she had never felt real attraction for a guy: they’d compliment her, make her gifts, take her out for dinner, but nothing ever felt real.
When she kissed them, it was wrong. There were no sparks, no butterflies, no special moment she’d often read about in books; just an empty, meaningless touch of lips.
She tried talking to Remus about it.
Lily loved her friendship with Remus, it made her feel understood and safe. They’d bounded over books and they studied together all the time, so much that people started thinking they were dating, before Remus had come out as gay and very much in love with Sirius Black, who liked him back. Since their relationship was revealed to everyone, Remus was much more open talking about his sexuality and feelings, so Lily had gone to him with her problem.
“How did you feel the first time you kissed a boy?” she’d asked him.
"Embarrassed. Flustered. Nervous. Giddy. Do you want me to continue?” Remus laughed, “why are you asking me this?”
Oh, Lily thought, that’s how I was supposed to feel?
“I don’t know Rem. I don’t think I like guys? I’m confused” she admitted.
“Oh, okay. Do you like girls, or no one at all?” Remus told her, calmly.
“I- I’ve never thought about liking girls, if I’m honest”
“Well let’s see. Do you feel embarrassed when a girl looks at you for too long? Have you ever sat closer to them, just because you wanted to? Have you ever thought ‘if i was a guy, I’d date her instantly’? That’s what I used to do with Sirius.”
“I-” Lily had to think about it.
Then, it all made sense.
She remembered when she was six and she’d make her dolls marry each other and her sister made fun of her for it, or all the times when she was in the locker room, staring at the floor so much she could’ve carved into it with her stare, because she felt like it was wrong to look at the other girls. She thought of how she was so flustered when one of her girl friends took her hand to lead her somewhere; when she’d wanted to be Marlene so bad, because Marlene was cunning, strong, sarcastic and beautiful, until she realized she didn’t want to be Marlene, she wanted her.
And then she thought about Mary, her best friend, the other half of her soul.
Mary was always there for Lily: when she cried because Petunia hated her, when she was so desperate for people to stop making fun of her hair and she had cut them off just to cry after, when she realized she didn’t like James.
And Lily was always there for Mary: when no one wanted to befriend her because everyone already had someone, while Mary was alone; when Sirius broke up with her because he didn’t love her, when she was rejected by a girl she liked in fifth grade.
They were there. There was no need to ask, because they knew.
Lily never thought about Mary in that way, but especially how it would be if Mary got a girlfriend. Lily felt a wave of jealousy as she imagined Mary holding another girl’s hand, hugging her, kissing her.
No, she thought, that’s supposed to be me.
And that’s when it hit her.
“Oh my god. I have to find Mary.” she breathed.
Remus seemed to understand what she was thinking because he scrambled into his bag, taking out a piece of parchment, whispered some words and then looked back at her.
“She’s near the lake, go” he smiled.
“But how did you-” Lily started to say.
“I think it’s better if you go find Mary, Lily” Remus told her, winking at her.
“Oh, fuck off Remus Lupin. You will have to explain that one to me when I’m done.”
“Sure sure now go”
Lily ran to the lake, where she found Mary sitting on a bench, reading something.
Her heart sped up so much that she could feel it in her fingertips.
I get it now, she thought.
And she really did; because now, looking at Mary, who was turning her head to see who was coming and instantly smiled when she recognized who it was, with her heart beating fast and butterflies filling her stomach, Lily finally understood.
She didn’t feel anything for those boys, because her heart was Mary’s all along.
“Mary, i have to ask you something” Lily managed to say, her breath heavy after running.
And, by the loving look Mary was giving her right now, Lily already knew the answer to her question.