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“I am begging you to be normal about this,” Elliot Nightray said to Oz Vessalius, one spring day a few months after he’d helped his brother Vincent blow up their family with relationship-related drama.
“Good morning to you too,” said Oz. “I’m completely normal, please never look at my psych evals. What do you need?”
Elliot took a deep breath. “I want my brother Gilbert to get laid,” he said.
Oz’s face lit up. “I would happily, ” he said, “happily bear that burden for you.”
“I hate you so much.”
“Look, you’re the one who said you didn’t want to be exclusive,” Oz reminded him. “You’re the one who said that if I started dating you and Leo for real, Leo would dump you and run off with me. If it weren’t for you, my Gilbert shrine would be—well, not un used, but differently used.”
“You have a shrine dedicated to my loser brother?!” Elliot said, horrified.
“No. Or, not really. I mean, I’ve just got a few pictures, but I’m not, like, weird about it,” Oz said, as though this was reassuring in the slightest. “I’ve got pictures like that of Alice, too, and you and Leo, and my bio mom, and Ada, and Uncle Oscar, and Break, and Sharon.”
“Please tell me you don’t jack off to those photos,” said Elliot.
“Of my mother ?” said Oz.
“Point taken,” said Elliot. “Anyway, I want Gilbert to get laid, because I think that might fix him, and you’re the only person I know who’s ever expressed attraction for him in any form—”
“He gets, like, consistently voted into the top five sexiest men by People magazine every year.”
“You’re the only person I’ve known who’s expressed sustained attraction after seeing a video of him getting the shit beat out of him by a swan and then running back towards the swan upon seeing an ad with a kitten on it, slipping, falling, eating shit, and rolling into a lake.”
“Yeah,” said Oz dreamily, “that was hot of him.”
“It wasn’t, you’re just insane,” said Elliot. “So I am going to set you up on a blind date with him, and if he decides he wants to bang with you you’re going to roll with it, since I know you wouldn’t be opposed because you did kiss that magazine cover with him on it while we were at the grocery store last week and I had to pretend not to know you even though we were pretty obviously in line together and it was embarrassing as fuck.”
“Leo paid me to kiss that magazine!” Oz protested. “And I did buy it.”
“What fucking ever, it was still embarrassing as all hell,” said Elliot. “And anyway my point is that if my brother Gilbert wanted to fuck you you’d enthusiastically consent.”
“Elliot,” said Oz, “if Gilbert wanted to tie me to the train tracks, douse me in oil, and set me ablaze right before a train ran me over, I wouldn’t just enthusiastically consent, I’d buy him the rope and the oil and bribe the operator of the train into turning a blind eye.”
“That’s just called you being suicidal,” Elliot said, unsettled. “What about a nice dinner at an Italian restaurant Friday the twenty-fourth at 6 PM?”
“That sounds lovely,” said Oz.
“Great,” said Elliot. “I’m going to tell him I found someone who saw the swan video and is still willing to go on a date with him and let you know if he says yes.”
“I can’t wait,” said Oz honestly, and then, “But if he runs screaming from the restaurant and then yells at you for letting me in the same room as him, it isn’t my fault.”
“You haven’t ever been caught being a freak about my brother, have you?” said Elliot. “Because I know for a fact that if you were ever in the same room as him at any point since we last spoke you would have called me screaming about it the minute you left the room.”
“That is true,” said Oz. “And, no, I haven’t been caught being a freak about him, but that’s because I never hide it, re: kissing his magazine in the checkout aisle of the grocery store.”
“I hate you more and more every day,” said Elliot. “Don’t fucking block me until I tell you whether or not you’ve got the date. And for the love of fuck treat him nicely and don’t be a freak about it!”
“Don’t worry,” Oz said, grinning, “I’ll be the perfect gentleman!”
“Absolutely not,” said Gilbert the next day when Elliot brought it up.
“Come on, ” said Elliot. “My friend is hot, and so sweet, and he’s really great in bed, too. He already said he’ll do whatever you want—”
“I don’t want to get laid—”
“And he’ll pay for dinner, and pick you up and bring you home even if you want him to, and he’s going to dress nice, and—”
“I’m not interested in romance or sex, I don’t want to lead your friend on—”
“Believe me, Oz is so into you leading him on, you have no idea —”
“Wait, Oz?” said Gilbert, a strange light entering into his eyes. “Oz Vessalius ?”
“How the fuck many other Oz’s do Leo and I have regular threesomes with?” said Elliot. “Yeah, Oz Vessalius. I mean, it was supposed to be a blind date, but—”
“I’m in.”
When Oz got the text that Gilbert had agreed to the blind date, he immediately roped Alice into helping him clean out his entire car, hands shaking, adrenaline pulsating through his body.
“You’re not high, are you?” Alice asked as she half-heartedly rubbed a soaking sponge over the windshield.
“No—I’m not, it’s just—it’s Gil, ” Oz said. “I’m going to be seeing Gil for the first time in ten years ! You remember how I was when we reunited.”
“You didn’t know who I was,” Alice groused.
“And I was still completely obsessed with you and refused to leave your side for half a year,” Oz said. “It’s—look, I’m not romantically into Gil anymore, or sexually. I really really like Elliot and Leo like that now, and if I could go exclusive with them rather than being a fun night every now and again I would. But—I mean, Gil is everything to me, just like you are. And I would do anything for him. And if he wants to date me—or just to date in general and I’m somehow the only option, I’ll be the best damn date he’s ever had, regardless of my romantic feelings on the matter.”
“Didn’t you say Elliot chose you because he thinks you’re into Gilbert romantically?” Alice pointed out.
“Yeah, because that’s way funnier than saying, ‘Uncle Oscar fostered him for five years and he basically became my impromptu babysitter in the time between Father dumping me on Uncle Oscar and Uncle Oscar realizing that Father had abandoned me, and so Gil became my primary attachment figure between the ages of seven and twelve and I would do anything to get to see and talk to him again’,” said Oz. “The real story is just kind of pathetic.”
“And you being so obsessed with your fuckbuddy’s older brother that you’d skin yourself alive to make him a carpet isn’t ?” said Alice. “You did say that in front of Elliot. I remember.”
“Yeah, but Elliot thought that was a sex thing and not a genuine desire of mine so it’s fine,” said Oz.
“This is so dumb, I’m telling Raven,” Alice announced, dropping the sponge on Oz’s head and flouncing away. Raven was Alice’s closest friend from the Baskervilles. They had bonded over repeated childhood murder attempts on both sides until Raven decided he was too mature to keep trying to kill a girl over a decade younger than him and had started feeding Alice despite her continued murder attempts, and had, according to Alice, won her lifelong devotion over several long years. Whenever she was annoyed with Oz, she’d tell Raven all about it, and he’d usually offer some bad advice and then, when the advice got everyone into more trouble than they’d started with, send over some delicious food as an apology.
“Tell him we’d like some more strawberry cake too!” Oz called after her before returning to his car-cleaning. He wanted it in perfect shape, for Gilbert. He refused to settle for anything less. It had been ten years since he’d seen Gilbert—ten long, long years. He did not come inside until the car was spotless, and then left it totally unused for the next week and a half before the date, to much teasing from Alice and Elliot. The morning of, he washed the outside of the car again, and then drove it to get gas so that there wouldn’t be any embarrassment with the tank, and then convinced Sharon Rainsworth to help him pick out an outfit that looked nice but didn’t look like he was trying too hard or anything like that, because he didn’t want to get embarrassed.
Alice, who had not stopped snickering when she looked at Oz since she’d spoken to Raven the day he was cleaning his car, had gone off that morning to help her friend with something and hadn’t been back since.
So, that evening, Oz checked his information from Elliot one last time—he was meeting Gilbert at the restaurant at six, because Vincent had insisted on driving Gilbert, and their reservation was at 6:15, and Oz had better give Gilbert the best date he’d ever given anyone in his life, because Gilbert had been saying worrying things about never wanting to date anyone, or to have sex with anyone, and Elliot really didn’t want his brother to die alone, and if this date didn’t work out Elliot would have to find a girl to set his obviously-gay brother up with, and that wouldn’t be fun for anyone.
Oz arrived at the restaurant half an hour before the restaurant opened with flowers, and stood by the door watching Vincent Nightray’s car drive past twelve times as Vincent called him a desperate loser each time and Gilbert tried increasingly hard to kill his brother from the passenger seat. By the time the restaurant was about to open up for dinner and the countdown for their reservation would begin, Oz was laughing so hard he’d dropped the flowers a few times in order to get a video of the brothers for Ada, who had sent it to Uncle Oscar, who sent it to Break, who sent it to half of Pandora, where Elliot saw it, and then sent it to Oz, complaining that he was late to his date. Oz grinned a little and started typing out his reply.
somewhere over the rainbow
i took that video lol vincnet is not letting him out of the car until 6edsquared canon 20XX
It’s 5:53somewhere over the rainbow
yeah but i took the video at 4 and this has been going on since abt 3:30 loledsquared canon 20XX
What the fuck
Stop Vincent from calling Gilbert a desperate loser then??? Be?? A good date??somewhere over the rainbow
no hes calling me a desperate loser
he also knows about my feelings towards gilbertedsquared canon 20XX
You two know each other?somewhere over the rainbow
yeah?? ive known him since i was likeeee. 8ish
he was 12 and a total cunt and he is still a total cunt ngl but he treats ada and gil and you well so w/e
edsquared canon 20XX
Don’t call him “Gil” when you still haven’t met him. Dick.somewhere over the rainbow
who tf did you think introduced me to vincent. Bitch.edsquared canon 20XX
Wait what the fuck
You knew Gilbert when you were a kid??? Well enough to meet VINCENT????
And you didn’t mention it to me??somewhere over the rainbow
which is more pathetic
1 my primary attachment figure as a child was my uncle’s foster son who practically raised me after my dad abandoned me and who i haven’t seen or spoken to in years bc i was too cowardly
or 2 i am desperately in love w/ my crush’s older brother who i’ve only seen on magazine coversedsquared canon 20XX
Definitely 2somewhere over the rainbow
wrong its 1edsquared canon 20XX
Wait
You have a crush on me???somewhere over the rainbow
yeah?? i told you and leo that i had crushes on you guys like a couple years ago and you rejected me lol
i said i’d move on and you said ‘don’t do that we should have threesomes’
and we have had threesomes ever sinceedsquared canon 20XX
I have no memory of this what the hellsomewhere over the rainbow
might want to get that checked out loledsquared canon 20XX
Eat my asssomewhere over the rainbow
sorry i have a date with your brother tonightedsquared canon 20XX
DIE
Snickering to himself, Oz put away his phone; 6:00 was creeping closer and Gilbert’s arguments in the car seemed to be getting more and more violent. Oz collected the flowers from where he’d lain them on a nearby bench and squeezed them so tightly the stems got somewhat crushed. Pretty soon Oz thought that he’d either be witnessing a car crash or reuniting with Gilbert or both; he couldn’t quite figure out which option he dreaded most. All he had wanted up until this moment was to be able to see Gil again—but now that it was coming up, now that it was less than five minutes away, he felt himself growing nauseous, fear stiffening his legs and encouraging him to run away.
I really am a coward, huh? Oz thought, watching Vincent’s car park some twenty meters away. This was his last moment to run, but he forced himself to stay stone-still as the passenger side door burst open and Gilbert , already in tears, rushed out of the car, hurtling towards Oz. For a second, all he saw was a tall man rushing towards him—he flinched, body remembering Jack before his mind could assure itself that this was really Gil—he was lifted off the ground, flowers scattering, into the tightest non-Uncle Oscar hug he had ever received in his life, and he squeezed Gilbert back as tightly as he could, voice breaking as he gasped out, “Gil!” and burst into tears in Gilbert’s shoulder.
“Oz, Oz, Oz,” Gilbert sobbed, holding him tightly, safely, his arms like home, and Oz thought that honestly the only thing that could make this more perfect was if Alice, Uncle Oscar, and Ada were all here too.
By the time they’d finally let go of each other, Vincent had taken the reservation Elliot had made for himself and Ada, leaving Oz and Gilbert standing awkwardly outside of the restaurant.
“Do you want to try for somewhere else?” Oz said. “I know a couple of good cafes in the area.”
“Alright,” said Gilbert. “Though—Oz—I just want you to know, I’m aware that Elliot set this up as a—date—but I’m not interested in you romantically or anything. Or anyone else, either. Do you know what aromantic and asexual is?”
“Yeah, Alice’s friend Raven is both,” said Oz. “Are you? That’s cool. Don’t worry, the only reason Elliot thinks I have a crush on you was because saying that was less embarrassing than telling him about my crush on him, and also it was funny.”
Gilbert tilted his head. “You have a crush on Elliot? Doesn’t he have a boyfriend?”
“Yes,” said Oz. “I’ve got a crush on Leo too. I think Elliot just figured it out, actually.”
“How?” said Gilbert.
“I literally spelled it out for him,” said Oz, “since after tonight I figured he’d realize that we already knew each other.”
“Oh,” said Gilbert. “He didn’t say anything rude about it, did he?”
Oz thought back to their text conversation, and said, “Nah, not really. I mean, it was pretty normal, all things considered.”
“That’s good,” said Gilbert, and then, in the same tone of voice he’d use back when he regularly threatened to kill Oz’s father, “Let me know if he hurts you, and I’ll beat him up.”
“Why?” said Oz. “I mean, he’s your brother. He’s your real family, I’m just an old friend. Shouldn’t it be the other way around?”
There was a moment, and then Gilbert said, “Marry me and then we’ll be real family.”
“What,” said Oz, and then, “I just said I’m in love with your brother and also you’re aromantic.”
“I don’t think marriage has to be a romantic thing,” said Gilbert. “I’m pretty sure it has more to do with taxes and housework, actually. And being ‘real family’.”
Oz considered this, and his threats to marry Gilbert if he ever reunited with him, and how funny it would be if both Gilbert and Vincent eloped with Vessaliuses, and said, “Your family would be pissed.”
“Elliot and Vincent are the only Nightrays who like me, anyway, and we can ask them to come along,” said Gilbert.
“Alright,” Oz said. “Let’s ask Alice, too, if she’s free.”
“I think she is,” said Gilbert.
“Wait, you know her?”
“Oz,” said Gilbert, “I’m Raven.”
There was a moment, and then Oz said, “Oh my fucking God I’m a fucking idiot.”
“No, you aren’t!” said Gilbert, immediately and deeply distressed. “You’re one of the smartest people I know, Oz, really—”
The next morning, Elliot Nightray woke up and unblocked Oz to see how the date went. He had about seven unread texts from him, the earlier inviting him to—what the fuck—a courthouse elopement (platonic) between Oz and Gilbert, then a few selfies of the paper-signing, and finally a link to a webpage on something called aromanticism.
Elliot did not bother to click it before throwing his phone at the wall, screaming, and cursing himself for ever allowing his brother around Oz unsupervised.