Chapter Text
The day Kate met Mary, she was amazed by a woman so brave to leave her home for love, it was a fairytale come to life. All Kate wanted was to impress Mary, to be like her. She lost track of the number of times she followed her around, copying her mannerisms, trying to be just as pretty, just as elegant; a proper lady. She never quite managed to be as serene, but her Appa always told her to be herself, that she was perfect as she was.
When Edwina was born, her Appa explained that Edwina was proof of his and Mary’s love. Edwina was so like Mary even as a child, her temperament, her grace. Kate instantly loved her too.
For years they were happy. Kate felt like she belonged in the world.
Then everything changed.
An illness stole the one man that Kate had ever loved.
Mary’s strength diminished day by day, she fell into a dark depression. Edwina couldn’t understand what was happening. So with no other choice Kate took over.
At the time it was not a sacrifice but rather an act of love. An act of bravery, she had emulated Mary’s strength.
But it was scary, being alone, despite her sister and mother still surrounding her. Kate couldn’t rely on Mary, she was so afraid of breaking her again, she barely recovered for England.
Edwina was so young. But the way she respected Kate, the love she showed, made it worth it.
A thank you wasn’t necessary.
Until England.
Without any formal training, from a foreign land, she had raised the Queen’s Diamond of the first water. Every skill Edwina had in her arsenal, Kate had tirelessly taught herself so that she could pass it onto her sister.
The Ton had to watch as the disgraced daughter of a woman who ran off with a man without a title now danced with the most eligible bachelor.
Yet, Edwina disregarded her at every turn, her thoughts were invalid. Lady Danbury saw only titles, a chance to prove her matchmaking prowess, and Lady Mary, well Lady
Mary seemed to forget the cruelty of the country she fled, and supported whatever Edwina said. Suddenly what Kate thought her leadership was disregarded. She felt like a joke.
Kate could sacrifice without thanks, but this treatment, well it was pushing her to her limit. Kate still had her pride.
One person who was testing her above all others was the same eligible bachelor that Edwina wanted. Never once had Kate denied Edwina. If there was a toy she wanted that was hers, Kate gave it. The best dessert, a dress, anything really. if Edwina desired it, Kate worked to get it for her.
Kate had never coveted something that was Edwina’s before, that was until…Lord Bridgerton.
Anthony Bridgerton had made her feel things. Made her feel alive, wanted.
Kate tried to tell herself it was because he was a rake. A notorious rake, he had told her as such. Did she know all the ways a woman could be seduced?
Who did he think he was!
Kate hated that she didn’t know. Didn’t know how to satisfy herself any longer that the fans of desire he set off seemed only to be tamed by the thought of kissing him.
Now, the man who claimed to be a gentleman proposed to her sister.
The moment he kneeled, the most secret of Kate’s desires had come forward, someone choosing her, wanting her. But of course he didn’t want her.Something inside her cracked.
All that talk of honor, of doing the right thing. He took liberties and left her. Despite his own sister seeing the two of them embrace, Anthony chose Edwina. He never wanted her, he just wanted to prove that he was so appealing that even the prickly spinster would submit.
The whole carriage ride all Edwina talked about how romantic it was, how she couldn’t believe how overcome the calm Lord Bridgerton was. How beautiful the ring was.
All the while Kate remained silent, once again keeping her desires to herself. How could she even tell Edwina what happened? When she so scarcely understood herself.
“Oh Kate, cheer up!” Edwina exclaimed, pulling Kate out of her own mind, a mind that had replayed the events of the previous night, and the proposal over and over again, wishing that they would make sense.
“Bon, I am happy that you are happy” Normally, that would be the truth, yet even to herself that sounded bitter, her voice sounded false.
“I thought you and Lord Bridgerton had come to an understanding.” Edwina moaned. “Why can you not accept that he desires me so?”
That was the problem, the core issue, he desired her sister, and not her…
“Bon, I have made my feelings on Lord Bridgerton clear, I gave him my blessing, I have nothing more to give.” How true that statement was. She didn’t have any more to give.
“Didi, he is the most eligible of bachelors, he is everything I want, and we shall be the most envied couple of the Ton, the least my own sister can do is hide her contempt.” Edwina exclaimed. “I do not want anything to spoil this union.”
Ahh, this again, Kate knew she was now a liability in her sisters life, how the tables turned for her.
“And of course you care more for what your darling Lord Bridgerton thinks, than I” it was childish, but how could Edwina deny her council so, the girl she raised. Kate had been so assured that her sister would not be swayed by the glamour of London, she would not fall for the pretty words of selfish men. Yet here she was; marrying a man who tried to seduce her one night, and proposed to her sister the next.
Kate was almost resolved to say that when Edwina delivered one additional blow, to her already shattered heart.
“He is to be my husband Kate. Just because you do not want to admit when you are just being stubborn does not mean I must sacrifice what I want.” Edwina did not realize the depth of the pain that would cause Kate. Kate would sacrifice anything, everything for Edwina, and she would take the side of a man Kate hated. Kate knew despite the passion that Anthony induced in her, she had no issue stepping aside for her sister. Would Edwina not do the same?
Kate could not imagine a scenario where she would marry a man who Edwina did not approve of.
Why would her saying anything even matter? No one was listening to her.
“He is a rake, he will take mistresses Edwina, you are young, but you should not be naive.” Lord Bridgerton was clearly a man who loved his carnal desires, his actions showed her had no honour.
One more attempt to make Edwina see the truth of the man. If it was not Kate, it would be someone else.
“Kate!” Mary exclaimed. Kate was almost surprised Mary had even paid attention to the conversation.
“Didi!” Edwina yelled. “Lord Bridgerton is a gentleman! He assured me he would be loyal.”
Then what was the study! Why wouldn’t the words come out?
“And he made clear he would not love his wife!” The pain of the past few days bubbled. Kate had never been good at hiding her thoughts. “Do not tell me you are so immature as to not understand what that means?”
What became clearer was Edwina was still too immature to be a wife, and that was her failing, she had not prepared her enough.
“Kate!” Mary proclaimed more forcefully. “You cannot know the Lord Bridgerton’s mind.”
How had Mary forgotten the world of she came from?
“He will love me!” Edwina sounded petulant. “Just because you have no husband does not mean you can disparage mine.”
“He will never be just yours.” Kate lost her rage almost as quickly as it came. He would never be hers either.
“You are just jealous!” Part of Kate knew that was true, but it was more than that, she had always been able to put Edwina first, how could she trust that the man who wanted her so carnally wouldn’t stray from her sister as easily. His eyes were full of lust.
“You really think that.” Kate wondered. The girl who used to think the world of her. Thought her so petty. “I taught you everything you know, I raised you to be the diamond, you think I could not have a husband if I so choose too?”
“If you could have you wouldn’t have put everything on my shoulders.” Her shoulders! It is one thing to not ask for thanks but another to not be noticed entirely. Kate had always assumed Mary and Edwina understood what she gave up for them. It never occurred to her that they thought less of her.
“I am the one ensuring our future, I caught the most eligible bachelor of the season, I am the one who charmed the Queen! Kate you cannot claim my successes!” What had England made her sister?
Sitting in the carriage to London, Kate had never felt so alone. Her only family, neither defending her, both overlooking her. Just as Anthony had done.
Kate simply stopped. She had no desire to fight. Edwina wanted Anthony and he wanted her. Would Edwina even believe that even for one night Anthony had desired her?
“Fine Edwina, you win.” What a victory, Kate bitterly thought.
Edwina didn’t seem placated, both sisters refused to speak.
A fracture had occurred.
***
The first appearance of the newly engaged Lord Bridgerton and the Queen’s Diamond had everyone a buzz. The ball tonight was sure to be busy.
Kate knew that in a few hours, she would once again have to face her sister, and have to face Anthony. The man who had rejected her.
For the first time in many years, not since her own brief season had been cut short by her fathers illness, had Kate fretted about what to wear. She had so carefully cultivated a spinster aesthetic, in India it helped have some authority in a man's world, and in England she never drew attention to herself, away from Edwina.
But now…Kate wanted for people to see her.
Lady Danbury had suggested upon their arrival she could find a match of her own. Now, having secured her sister's match, surely that must make her even more desirable to the right type of gentlemen?
Kate steeled her resolve, even if she did not find a husband she could prove to Edwina, and to Anthony that she was wanted, that she was not one to overlook. They could see that she chose to return to India. She was not running because she couldn’t find a man but rather she didn’t want one. That she did not lose.
Lady Danbury would be the person to ask what the next steps were.
Kate walked to her chamber.
Lady Danbury looked up from her desk, correspondence spread all over.
“Yes Miss Sharma.”
“I would like your advice on how to present more like a debutante.” Kate spoke quietly.
“You would like to partake in the season after all?” The knowing tone irked Kate, but not enough to comment on it. She simply nodded.
“Kate, despite my desire to say that I had predicted this, I would simply say, you know what to do. If you would like, I can arrange for a trip to the modise. It is too late for tonight’s engagement, but I am sure you are able to style something.” Most days Lady Danbury’s tone bothered Kate, it made her feel like a child but at this moment, she was being complimented. There was something so refreshing about being seen. Lady Danbury thought her desirable, Kate knew this from all her vague advice regarding Anthony, she knew that the matron could see his desire’s too. But clearly she did not doubt her ability to find another match.
Kate realized the confidence which Lady Danbury must have in her, if not to give her more unwanted advice. “I expected you to have many suggestions on the matter.”
“Kate, you have spent many years hiding your shine, but that does not mean you lack the knowledge.” Could she really see her as more than a prickly spinster. “It is why I was confident of finding you a match when you arrived, but having gotten to know you dear, well, I know the world was not kind to you, a woman fighting a man’s fight is never easy, but that just means you will be able to handle this fight.”
In a world where the only way for a woman to prove herself was a husband, Lady Danbury believed in her.
Kate had tried to hide her original disdain for the men that Lady Danbury had suggested at the first ball, it was clear she was viewed as a second choice, her pride wouldn't allow it. But now, she had to play the game, she had to show people who she was. Kate wanted to feel confident, but she was afraid that she would just end up feeling more foolish.
Kate dressed for the evening, with careful thought. Instead of asking what was best for Edwina she asked herself what was best. While she had been a long time since she had been complimented on her looks, Kate did know what features were her best – with careful attention to rouge, putting kajal in her eye to make them stand out, and finally letting her hair down, Kate was certain she would be able to make at least one man turn their head.
Heading to the carriage, Kate felt her stomach fill with butterflies, the nerves – they were strong. Lord Bridgerton would be there, he would see her try. She would have to ignore him, she could not let him think he was the reason. He could not know how deeply he affected her.
“My Kate, you look stunning.” Mary beamed. “Is there a reason that you chose this style, perhaps a gentleman has caught your eye?”
Edwina was glaring for some unknown reason, Kate no longer understood her mind.
“I am simply tired of dressing for others.” Mary looked confused, but as always she sensed it would be a difficult conversation and simply did not respond.
Kate had not said one word to Edwina since Aubrey Hall. She was tormented over the near kiss. The fear Kate had was not revealing the moment with Anthony, it was Edwina trusting Anthony over her. Afterall it was clear where her loyalties lay.
The ballroom was decadent as always. Kate accepted a dance card for the first time in the season.
“Really Kate, a dance card.” Edwina sneered. “The gentlemen know I am engaged now, there will be no need for you to assess suitors.”
“Do not forget Edwina, I taught you how to dance. I know you have little regard for my wants, but perhaps I simply want a turn about the floor.”
Edwina’s mouth opened and closed quickly. Kate was rarely short with her.
Their entrance was noticed by many, Kate was sure people were awaiting Edwina.
What surprised Kate was people looking at her.
Mr. Dorset had already approached Kate. “I see you have a dance card this evening Miss. Sharma, I hope I can be so bold as to request a dance?”
“Absolutely, Mr. Dorset, I look forward to it.” Kate smiled, he was both young, and intelligent, a good start. His attention seemed to quickly spark others to move forward.
Lord Cho was in line after him. One of the men Anthony had been on the balcony with. An unlikely candidate for a match but for the purposes of showing her standing, Kate knew it would help. It seemed she did not have to do much, young eligible men had followed Mr. Dorset.
“Go find your new family Edwina, I am no longer responsible for you.” Kate remarked at Edwina, she had felt eyes on her, and knew it could only be Lord Bridgerton, it was as if her very being knew when he was in a room.
Kate rarely saw hurt in her sisters eyes, but there was a vicious sort of satisfaction. Edwina had been unjustly rude to her, to assume that only her suitors would want to dance with Kate. When had her own sister begun to think of her as so unwanted?
Kate turned to Lord Cho and smiled.
“I am so delighted to see you have a dance card Miss. Sharma, I must say congratulations on Miss Edwina’s engagement, especially if as you say it frees you of her responsibility. It is rare to see one so sure devoted to their family’s well being as to delay their own season.”
Despite his association with Anthony, hearing that these gentlemen had observed her sacrifice and even respected it, made Kate glow. “It is so kind to hear that you appreciate my effort.”
Another gentlemen Kate remembered from Edwina’s long line appeared. “I must say watching you organize the suitors at Danbury House was a sight to behold, I have rarely seen such a formidable woman, and I do mean that as a compliment.”
“Oh yes Miss. Sharma it is rare to meet a debutante as competent as you.”
Mmm. “Competent I suppose is a good way to be seen.”
“And of course you are stunning yourself, but of course you must be used to men complimenting your beauty.” A Baron something or other British sounding said. He was older than some of the other men who had gathered, so far.
Kate was nearly overwhelmed at the sight. It was as if these men had never seen a dance card before and flooded to her.
“I must admit, I am slightly surprised at this overwhelming response to my dance card.” Kate could never keep her thoughts to herself. “But I would like to announce that I am indeed now considering a match of my own, so I am happy to accept a dance, perhaps even two.”
The laughter made Kate preen. People had noticed her. They saw how hard she worked. Perhaps she was not as stunning as Edwina, who was petite and classically a debutante, but Kate knew she was not unsightly. Clearly her strength had impressed some, her ‘prickly’ demeanour was attractive even.
Her dance card filled faster than she could have expected.
All the time she could feel the glare of Lord Bridgerton, the audacity. He was there with his fianace.
Kate willed herself to not pay him any mind.
She danced, she laughed, she enjoyed herself, it felt so freeing to be young again. Edwina and mother were settled now. For the first time since her Appa died she was free of them as a responsibility. It would be foolish to waste this second chance at life.
While no man filled her with the same passion she felt that night with Lord Bridgerton, no man made her feel as small and unwanted as he did when he proposed to Edwina.
No, she had to stop picturing that moment on a loop.
Kate finished her dance with Lord Cho, smiled and assured him that he was welcome to call on her. He assured her, as did many of her previous partners, that he would call.
It was interesting being on the receiving end of gentleman's questions. But it felt as if they took her seriously as a match.
Men had asked her how she would raise children, they were impressed with her experience, her knowledge of balancing books, managing estates, her time at the palace court in India had now become common knowledge, a royal connection is a royal connection. Kate had no intention of hiding who she was, she was wilful, smart and passionate, and yet despite what she had understood about English debutantes this appealed to many men.
Perhaps they did not want her as a wife, but they did want to speak to her. She was unique and interesting, and that counted for something.
Kate walked towards the lemonade stand, wondering if she could persuade a gentleman to slip her some champagne, it would help her sore feet. Dorset would probably do so.
That’s when she saw him cross the ballroom moving with urgency. He was coming towards her. Kate felt like a stag in the cross-hairs for a moment.
Breathe.
Grabbing a glass of lemonade, Kate resolved to stay quiet, let him say his piece and ignore him, just as he had ignored her.
“I thought you were returning to India” Lord Bridgerton was beside her.
Sipping slowly Kate said nothing.
“And yet here you are acting as a debutante, entertaining suitors, why?”
He was beautiful when he was angry, Kate lamented. Not answering him made the fury increase in his eyes. Hurting him, had a sick pleasure, knowing she could hurt him.
“Kate!”
“Miss. Sharma.” Kate clarified. “I never gave you the right to use my Christian name, and to be clear you do not have my permission.”
“Fine, Miss. Sharma answer my question.”
“Why?” Damn it, she wasn’t meant to engage, but here he was questioning her, the audacity!
“Because you said you would leave, you said you did not want a husband and here you are dancing with every damn member of the Ton, they had their hands all over you!”
“It is of no concern to you what man touches me.”
“It sure as hell does.”
“I ask again why, you are my sisters betrothed, or did you forget you are meant to be celebrating your engagement”
“I…”
“Let me make this clear Lord Bridgerton, you are nothing to me, you made your choices, your life is with Edwina regardless of what country I chose to reside, and it is my choice, I will be nothing to you. God willing this is the last time I ever have to speak to you.”
Anthony had never looked so devastated in their acquaintance.
“I know that I have made mistakes, but please…”
“No, you don’t get to act as if proposing to one sister while trying to seduce the other is a mere small act. You got your debutante, Edwina chose you, congratulations, but her choice does not mean I am burdened with you.”
“I did not act with such extreme malice, I swear I did not try to hurt you.”
Why couldn't he leave her be, why did she want to believe he wasn't so cruel as to torment her?
“You think your family name protects you, but your reputation, your lack of character is known, no one would doubt that a Rake such as yourself would stoop so low, so to protect that precious honour you claim to have, stay away. As I have just shown I am quite desirable therefore you wouldn’t be able to deny your lack of want for a lowly spinster.”
“I never thought you were a lowly spinster, please Miss Sharma…”
”Stop speaking or my next conversation will be with Lady Danbury. I imagine she will not take kindly to you attempting to comprise a debutante under her care.”
The threat was empty Kate knew she would never reveal what had happened between her and Anthony. But to see him hurt, to see him understand the depth of his betrayal was the perfect ending to this night.
Anthony looked almost in tears, his devastation was going to attract attention, attention Kate did not want.
Lady Featherington was clearly coming closer, to see if she could see what conversation had inspired such animated reactions.
“Goodbye Lord Bridgerton, I once again congratulate you on your engagement with my sister.” With that final word Kate walked away.
***
Dear Gentle Readers,
I am very excited to report that Miss Kate Sharma appears to be entertaining suitors. Now at the start of the season Miss. Sharma had made it clear that her priority was her sister's match, and clearly under Miss Sharma’s diligent efforts Miss Edwina is engaged to this years most eligible bachelor Lord Bridgerton, but the reformed rake does not appear to be blissful as one would expect, but then again he rarely smiles.
While the new ‘happily’ engaged couple have yet to be seen much. Miss Sharma free of her unfair responsibilities seems to be thriving. One must wonder why Lady Mary made a young Miss shoulder such responsibilities so young. From the stories I have uncovered, Kate Sharma took charge of her family's finances after her own debut was cut short by her fathers lengthy illness. Following that she raised Miss Edwina, what kind of woman has such strength, this author is frankly impressed beyond words. While it is true she has no dowry, the reason I have uncovered is she spent it to care for her family. She could have made a match in her own season but chose to stay with her family, to help them in their time of need. This kind of devotion to one's family is rare and quite special. What a spectacular mother, wife she will make.
I am not the only one Miss. Sharma has impressed, her callers are plenty, it seems she had inspired whispers among men at the start of the season, with her strengthen so rarely displayed in the Ton, her ability to manage even the most persistent of suitors with elegance, Lord Bridgerton had to make many an attempt to pass muster. But now the race is on to secure Miss Sharma’s hand in marriage.
It seems the most impressive gem this season is not a diamond but an Indian Ruby overlooked by the Queen.
I will keep the readers apprised of who the young miss will choose.
Yours,
Lady Whistledown