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Conrad wandered through the house, snaking his way between all the guests as his eyes meandered, searching for Belly. But it was really only a cursory attempt to find her, because he knew exactly where she’d be, and it wasn’t inside. She was upset, and that meant that she would be on the beach. It was where she always went when she needed to think or clear her mind.
After a few minutes, he ducked out the back door, sneaking down the dark pathway that led to the beach. Once the trees gave way to sand and ocean air, Conrad could see right away that he had been correct. Belly was silhouetted against the night, the glint of a bottle in her hand. As he walked closer, he saw her stagger a few steps, her feet splashing in the water, and his heart jumped painfully. He didn’t like this at all. She was in no state to be this close to the water.
He picked up his pace, jogging toward her as his feet kicked up sand. “BELLY! Belly, come back inside!”
His heart was racing as he watched her take two more swigs from the bottle in her hand and she staggered a little bit to the side, his heart clenching painfully. He felt like he was having a panic attack, but he wasn’t – this was just what Belly did to him. The way he loved her, how much he loved her… it terrified him in more ways than one. He forced himself to slow down as he got to the edge of the water, forced himself not to act driven by the sharp staccato of fear in his mind.
“I’m not dragging your dead body out of the ocean if you drown out there.” He forced himself to say the words like they were a joke, like he wasn’t really terrified that they would come true, but she ignored him. “Come out of the water, Belly.”
“Leave me alone.” Her words were a little bit slurred, a dead giveaway of how much she’d had to drink.
“I can’t,” Conrad said after a moment, and it was true. He couldn’t ever leave her, not when she was like this. Not when she was upset and he needed so desperately to fix it. Not when she could possibly end up hurting herself. He could never leave her unless he knew she was alright. In a split second, he made a decision and walked forward, feet splashing in the water. He grabbed Belly and threw her over his shoulder so he could carry her fireman-style.
“What are you – no!” Belly protested, flailing against him. “Hey! Hey! Hey, put me down!”
“You’re drunk, Belly,” he stated.
“Just put me down!”
“I’m not going to put you down.”
“Conrad!” Belly whined. “Let go!”
“Belly…” He said it like a warning, his exasperation getting the better of him.
Finally out of the water, Conrad was at least a little more willing to heed her request, so he tried to gently set her down on the beach. But no sooner had her feet touched sand than she immediately toppled over, falling hard on her ass. He let out a soft sigh, feeling bad. That typical, oldest child feeling of responsibility and guilt at failing to live up to it.
Conrad reached down, holding out his hand to her. “C’mon, let me help you.”
Belly slapped his hand away weakly as she scowled at him. “Just go, okay!”
He took a step back, trying to respect her wishes to some extent. But he still wasn’t going to leave. Not completely. Not again. There were feelings bubbling inside his chest and after their conversation earlier… he needed to make sure she knew about them. Conrad wasn’t sure that now was really the time to tell her, but whether his brain agreed or not, his heart had decided that this moment was his chance and he couldn’t let it slip by.
“I’m not leaving you, Belly!” he said, meaning exactly that and so much more.
“But you already did.”
Her words felt like a knife in his chest, making it hard to breathe as she took a step closer to him. But even though her words stung, they also irritated him a little bit, because he hadn’t been the one to leave. Maybe… maybe he had been distant, but he wasn’t the one who decided to walk away from their relationship.
“Why didn’t you tell me you went to Jeremiah about us?” she asked, looking at him expectantly.
Oh shit. The moment that Jeremiah had told her about that, Conrad’s stomach had clenched iron-tight. She was going to be mad at him – for bargaining for her like she was some kind of object that could be passed between them, for making it seem like he was just guessing that Jeremiah had moved on when he knew he hadn’t, for tricking her into a relationship that she thought Jeremiah would be okay with… Yeah, maybe he hadn’t handled that all that well. But he’d thought he’d been doing the right thing at the time by making sure that Jere was okay with it.
“Why?!” Belly shouted, more insistent, nudging him out of his thoughts. “WHY?! Wh–”
“I don’t know!” he lied. I thought that if I told you, you would never have agreed to be with me. You would have said that it didn’t matter because you didn’t want to hurt Jere.
Belly shook her head a little, looking at him like she couldn’t believe him. “If I had known…” She let out a soft huff and touched her hand to her forehead. Conrad could remember leaning his head against hers in the exact place she had touched, and he longed to do that now, but instead he braced himself for more daggers. “If I had known that you’d done that, that… that you cared that much about me, and about us… If I had known that, I would’ve fought for you.”
That stopped him in his tracks, the gears in his mind grinding to a halt.
“What do you mean?” he asked, utterly perplexed. Belly mumbled something at the same time, but he couldn’t hear it. He repeated his question with more urgency. “ What do you mean?”
“I would’ve fought for us!” Belly shouted, not really clarifying anything. “I mean at prom, and at the funeral… I mean… I would have been there for you, through everything!”
It hit him then, like a high speed train barrelling down the tracks, why she had really broken up with him. It wasn’t because she couldn’t handle his depression, or because she was disappointed in him… It was because she thought he didn’t care about her. Belly thought that he had forgotten the corsage, rented his tux last minute, been mopey at the prom… all these ways that he had failed her, Belly thought it was because he didn’t care enough about her to try. God how did she not know…? He had tried so hard for her, but he just hadn’t been able to separate out everything else that was happening. For months, he’d barely been able to conjure up even fleeting moments of happiness, but he had been most successful at it when he was with her because of how much he loved her.
“I thought you knew…:” he said softly, half to himself.
“I would’ve…” Belly let her words fade into soft hiccoughs as tears streaked down her cheeks.
“I thought you knew!” Conrad repeated, more firmly. “From the moment we kissed on the beach, I thought you knew!”
How could she not have known? He had told her that day as they walked back from the beach… You’re it for me, Belly . Had she thought he didn’t mean it? Or that it was just a fleeting feeling, words said in the moment that had faded with time? Or worse still, did she think he said that to all the girls he dated? He hated the idea of that, of Belly not understanding how special she was to him.
“I… I…” Belly seemed to be struggling to breathe, let alone speak, as she tried to reign in her tears. Her hands were gesturing, moving between them with the lightest of touches as she tried to collect her thoughts or figure out her feelings.
Belly couldn’t seem to find the right words, so Conrad spoke instead. Words were always so hard for him, but for once, he knew exactly what he wanted to say, what he wanted to ask her. The words were bursting on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to be spoken.
“Then fight for us now!” Conrad shouted over the sound of crashing waves and wind and his own pulse rushing in his ears. He wanted so badly to reach for her, to hold her hands in his or wrap his arms around her. “It’s not too late, Belly.”
“Conrad…” She looked at him with furrowed brows and a frown darkening her eyes.
But he knew Belly. He knew that look and exactly what it meant, just like he’d known that she was upset and she would come to this spot on the beach. She wasn’t about to say no to him because she didn’t want him anymore. But her heart was still hurting, still broken. They had really done a number on each other.
“Belly,” he said, his voice softer, like his whole heart was being poured into one word. Her name. What a fitting vessel for his heart too. “Belly, I know it’s scary. I know I hurt you and I’m… I’m so sorry for that. But I’m here now, I’m fighting for this. For you. Because you are the only person I will ever love like this, the only person I ever want to love. You say that if you’d known you would have fought for us back then, well you know now, so fight for us, Belly. Please .”
She hesitated for a moment, but Conrad held firm and held her gaze. Somehow breaking eye contact felt like giving up, and he needed her to know that he wouldn’t. In the back of his mind, he thought back to that first night at the beach house last summer, when he’d ask Belly what she would give him if he quit smoking. It felt like the same tension was lingering between them, that weightiness of a meaningful moment… a moment that could change everything. She had baulked then, but now…?
Belly stepped forward, throwing her arms around him and pressing her lips to his in a sloppy kiss. He could taste the vodka on her tongue, a stark reminder of how much she’d had to drink that night. Loathe though he was to do it, Conrad pulled back, hands on her shoulders to keep a little bit of distance between them. He didn’t miss the flash of hurt that crossed her features as she mistook his movement for rejection, so he quickly moved to cradle her cheek with one hand and offered her a small smile of reassurance.
“You’re drunk, Belly,” he whispered, brushing his thumb over her skin. “I don’t want to take advantage of that. But I’m not going anywhere and I’m not going to change my mind. I know there’s still something between us, and I’m not going to give up.”
“Okay,” she said, seemingly accepting his answer, although the waver in her voice belied some hesitation. “Will you stay with me anyway?”
“Of course,” he agreed, nodding. He could never turn down a request from her like that – nor would he want to. “Belly, I’ll stay with you anytime you want me to.”
She smiled softly before half falling into the sand.
Conrad grinned as he slowly lowered himself onto the beach right beside her, and right away Belly leaned into him, her body touching his from hip to shoulder, resting her head on him. He couldn’t help the way his heart stuttered at the contact, all the things he had been trying, and failing, not to feel for Belly since the moment they broke up flaring back to life.
Conrad woke up with sand stuck to his face and covering his hair. But the moment he opened his eyes, he couldn’t have cared less about the sand, because he saw that his body was curled around Belly’s, one arm slung over her waist as she tucked herself into his chest. He smiled sleepily. She was so beautiful. All the time, but especially like this – soft and relaxed, the dawn light casting her in a pastel glow. He propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at her better, and began gently brushing sand from her face. She twitched a little at his touch, her eyelids fluttering for a moment before she opened them.
“Good morning,” he murmured, his voice a low rumble.
“Morning,” Belly answered, barely audible as she gave him a shy smile. She pushed herself up onto her elbow as well, mirroring his position.
Conrad leaned over and kissed her briefly, hoping that she hadn’t been so drunk that she had forgotten everything from the night before. He didn’t want to overwhelm her, or push her, but he wanted her to know that he had meant everything he’d said the night before. He wasn’t going to give up on them, not again. Judging from the way her hand found his and she brushed the tip of her nose affectionately against his, Conrad thought she got the message.
“How are you feeling?” he asked her, sitting up properly and helping her do the same. Belly groaned in response, making him chuckle. Belly might not be an innocent goody-two-shoes, but she still had a lot to learn about drinking. “Well, how about we go see what the damage was at the house, and then we can find you something for the hangover.”
“Sounds like a plan,” she croaked in agreement.
Conrad pushed himself to his feet first, then reached for Belly to hoist her up. He brushed sand off both of them before reaching for his hand. But she quickly let go of it, instead wrapping her arm around his waist and leaning into him with her head resting against his shoulder. He couldn’t help but smile. He loved when Belly was like this, all cuddly and his . He had missed it so much.
They walked the path back to the house in comfortable silence. There were conversations to be had, of course, but they could wait until later. For now, they were both simply content to be in the moment with each other.
Until they got back to the house at least. Predictably, there was a mess everywhere, but they had both been prepared for that. What they hadn’t been prepared for was for Jeremiah to be sitting at the kitchen counter alone, staring at them with bloodshot eyes and a stony expression the moment they walked through the door.
Unlike when they had been together before, Belly didn’t shift her behaviour at Jeremiah’s discomfort. Whether it was intentional or just because she was too tired and hungover, Conrad felt like it was a statement – I’ve made my choice . He really, really hoped it was.
“Of course,” Jeremiah sniped, nodding and flashing them an aggressive smile, one that was more akin to a wounded animal baring its teeth. “So glad I could be the one to bring you guys back together.”
“Jere –”
“Shut the fuck up, Conrad.” He pushed his chair back sharply, making a high-pitched scraping noise against the tile. “There’s nothing else we can do about the house, so I’m going to leave. And I’m going to take Aunt Julia up on the offer to rent the house each summer, so it’s a good thing you’re not interested in that.”
Jeremiah paused in the doorway, and for the briefest moment, Conrad thought he was going to say something that would leave the door open to them, once a little time had passed. But instead he slammed it firmly closed.
“Have a nice life.”
They watched as he stalked off, his footsteps echoing in the empty house. It was too quiet so early in the morning, making it far too easy to hear the sound of the front door slamming and the jeep’s engine revving to life. Belly looked up at him and he could see the worry that was in her eyes; he knew what she was thinking. Would this make him change his mind? Would he still want to be with her if it meant losing his brother forever?
Conrad let out a deep sigh. “It’s fine. Things will… things will get better eventually.”
He tried really hard to believe his words.
“I’ll make things right between us in a couple of days,” Belly answered, squeezing him gently. “Once he’s calmed down a bit.”
Conrad nodded, trying his best to have faith that they could repair their relationships with his brother, but he knew it wouldn’t be easy. But there was nothing he could do about that now. So instead he tried to let it go and focus on Belly, her arm still wrapped around him like an anchor, keeping him from drifting off too far into his thoughts. Belly was real, Belly was right here beside him.
Belly was choosing him.
They were choosing each other.