Chapter Text
Jungkook
Lie
Why can’t it be perfect?
This loves not even real
I found myself lying awake in bed, after a few seconds I realized that I had the same clothes as yesterday. After a moment I’m sit on the bed, watching the disaster I made last night. There are things scattered all over the floor, broken glass that were once a vase. The morning light coming in the window through the curtain, but I don’t know why it feels heavier than usual.
I looked to my right side, finding the image of a boy lying next to me, sleeping soundly. Seems to move among dreams, letting out a sigh. His eyes has large purple bags under them, fatigue absorbing him completely. He turns in my direction and I can see a hematoma protruding from his left cheek. The memories swirling in my mind. Why? Why things can’t be perfect?
Why don’t I cry for you?
Love was dead from the start
It's noon and you’re in the kitchen, cooking something for both. After you woke up you didn’t say nothing, just threw me a look and went out of the room. Should I apologize? I’m not the one who hit you, but it's true that I somehow causes.
My head hurts and I think that is about to explode; the consequences of drinking alcohol, but I already should know it. Both of us eat in silence, with nothing to say, as always.
I still remember when we first met. I really thought you'd be the one, you could save me, you were perfect for me, but I guess I'm wrong.
I don’t want you. I don’t need you
I'll forget you. It doesn't matter
You ask me how I'm doing in college. I had forgotten that today I have to go to class. I'm in the music program. And I went because you encouraged me to study, then that means I did it for you? I shake the thought from my mind. No, before I was told that my voice was very good, I just wanted to try it.
The conversation ends. You have nothing to say. I don’t have anything to say. Lately things are like this. I know you're tired of living with me, that I do nothing but hurting you. Jimin, you can leave whenever you want, you know I will not stop you.
I will play along,
writing our song,
we are perfect
If you don’t want to leave then I will not stop you to stay, you can do whatever you want. How long have we been together? 3 years? 4? I can’t remember clearly. Yoongi hyung says your presence is good for me, but I can’t see it. Perhaps he just want to see things? He always says that no one could live with me besides you. In some point he’s right, it seems that I only shooed people. However, you have been you with me despite all. And that makes me wonder why.
I love you
No
This is all wrong
Things have changed a lot for years. I remember when you used to receive me with a smile despite the way I come. There was that smile for me, and now seems to have disappeared. Tell me, where did you hid it? Why don’t you show it? Has disappeared?
And now I wonder why I miss your smile. I've also noticed that your cheeks aren’t full anymore. What happened to them? They were very cute. The mass of your body has also decreased. I notice it every time I touch you. Your waist and hips are smaller, your arms have changed, but what is different is the look on your face. There’s no longer that spark in your eyes that enthralled me at times.
Why do I feel all that in you? Maybe I care about you more than I think. It's a strange feeling.
Why aren't you gone?
I know you're not that strong.
Jimin, it’s sad see you of that way. And I don’t know why it's driving me crazy. You and I are nothing, not even friends. We’re only two known living together and occasionally have sex. Why are you still here? What keeps you tied to me?
Sometimes we have big discussions and end with either of us hurt, and most of the times is you. I always think that this time you'll leave me, but the next day, when you look at me, I can only see sadness in your eyes. Why are you like this? I know you only pretend be strong. I've heard crying several times, and I can’t help feeling hurt when I hear you, but I can’t comfort you. I'm the one who hurt you in the first place isn’t?
Don't listen to me
We'll always be so perfectly happy
You think I'm selfish? Although I want to see you in the eyes and tell you to leave, I just can not. When I'm about to speak, I end up saying just bullshit, and you look at me resignedly, as if you don’t expect nothing more from me, and it hurts. What keeps us together? How is that even though you're so tired you can keep coming back every night by my side? How can you still let me touch you? My hands don’t deserve your body.
“This time I can do it right” “Things will change between us” “You and I will be together after all” Lies and more lies. But every time I say those words I notice how happy you get. Tell me, do you like the way I lie?
The lies you succumb to blissfully unaware
I don't know how you can't see through my facade
You believe all I say to you? Do you really believe it? Because I feel I can’t continue holding this farce.
Tonight there was another discussion again. The only thing I can pay attention was you saying that I had returned to skip classes, my grades were down, you looked really upset. I answered in the only way I know. You looked at me worried and tried to come near me, but I just push you, causing you to lose balance and fall to the ground, hitting your left side. A grimace was formed on your face. This time it was me who gave you a hand to get up, you looked at me, I could see tears gathered in your eyes, creating me a lump in my throat. But you just lower your head, your expression getting stiffen, pushing away my hand and standing up by your own.
Is the first time you reject me.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I was up all night paying attention to hear any noise, something to tell me you were leaving and for the first time wishing you’re not. Feeling too scared like never before.
I don't want you, I don't need you
I'll forget you, It doesn't matter
The next morning Yoongi hyung came to visit. He do it once a week, but this time he saw you were hurt.
Yoongi and I have known for years, he was my biggest support at my worst moments. And something I like about him is he doesn’t get in my life. But this time was different, he said nothing, not even scolded me as I thought it would. Instead, he just asked what had happened to you.
“I fell and get hurt” you answered softly
That day, Yoongi hyung stayed late, taking care of you.
I'll play along
writing our song
we are perfect
It's been weeks and I've noticed you've changed, Jimin. Now you spend less time at home, you say it's because the classes but I know you're lying. You have a smile on your face every time you drop your guard, and even I hear you humming in the shower, in the past you didn’t do it. But even though you seem to be very good with yourself. For me it’s no the same.
You are more distant with me, you've stopped cooking often as you used to. It’s true that your food wasn’t the most delicious but I miss it. You don’t let him touch you, you say you're tired or not in the mood.
Who changed you?
I love you
No
This is all wrong
Why Jimin? Why I can’t stop thinking about you? Now I can’t even think of him as I did before. And I’m afraid of that, I don’t want forget him, I can not forget him, I promised him.
I think I'll go crazy if I can not get you off my mind. While you seem recover gradually, happens to me is the opposite. I need help and you don’t notice. I'm screaming for you but you can’t hear me.
Why aren't you gone?
I know you're not that strong
The days pass slowly, and don’t even know what day it is. I don’t know how things are in college and not care about. I can only think of you, Jimin. You’re not the only one who’s not strong, I realice now.
The department is a mess, I'm a mess, and that's because you're not here. Where have you gone? You said you weren’t going to delay, you said you'd come back, you promised me you would never leave me. Where were these promises? Where were you?
Today again I sleep alone, thinking of him, thinking of you. Jimin, I feel that I drown in my tears if you don’t return. I'm so afraid of being alone, my chest feels heavy, and just breathing is a big task.
Don't listen to me
We'll always be so perfectly happy
One day suddenly you came back. I hear how the door opens, I think my mind is playing a joke on me as it has done before. But this time is different.
The door opens and you are there, a strip of light enlightening and bringing light to this apartment and my life again. I don’t even care if it's just an illusion or a cruel dream, I run to the door, stamping and joining our bodies. Then I realize that you're real. You. Jimin. My Jimin.
I let you go and watch your face hastily. Yes, it's you, I'm not dreaming. I pass my trembling hands all over your face, feeling your skin soft, touching your smooth lips, looking at your beautiful eyes. I take your both cheeks in my hands and pressed a kiss between us. I missed so much those lips, I do not know how long was the kiss. It must have been a lot because when I separated from you, your lips are red and swollen.
I embrace you again. Later I make it up to you. The important thing is that you're with me again.
And maybe one day I'll get to see your smile
in the arms of someone who loves you like I do
I know, Jimin. I know you tried to leave me, I know you had no intention of returning when you left. But you did and nothing else matters to me.
I don’t care that you've been with someone else.
I don’t care that you've broken your promise.
No matter what you've made me suffer.
You cried all night, your body trembles with each passing second. I embrace you, but at some point I think maybe my body turned cold by sleeping alone, because I can’t comfort you. As much as I embrace you, you do not stop your tears.
No, this is all wrong
Why aren't you gone?
I know you're not that strong
I sleep embraced you, wrapping my arms around your waist, burying your face in my chest, allowing each of your tears soak my chest. I wake up because I feel you move. You're slipping slowly from my embrace.I see how you stand up out of bed and start walking toward the door.
The fear of me to let you back is stronger than me and I grabbed his wrist, holding you. You turn back, looking at me. There’s surprise in your eyes, but then your expression softens and kneel beside me.
“I'm not going anywhere” you whisper me
“You promise?” I say almost desperately, taking your hand
“I promise” you give me a soft kiss on my forehead, and only then I can let out a sigh
You climb back to bed and lie down beside me. This time I can feel some of your warmth.
Don't listen to me
We'll always be so perfectly happy...
I stare at your sleeping face. Your beautiful cheeks are back and your body feels thicker than before, you look much better without me. Why did you come back?, I wonder why. I'm the one who hurts you, I don’t understand why you return. But still I am happy.
I rub my thumb below your eyes, they are swollen from so many tears you shed.
I know that those tears are not for me but for someone else. I know your heat does not belong to me but someone else now. And I know that your heart stopped beating for me, and at this point that beat is with someone else.
But we are together. We can overcome everything. You and I are perfect for each other. I know you really love me and I love you too.
Although I know this is only one more lie.