Chapter Text
Lily had a major problem on her hands.
A huge colorful problem. A sweet and beautiful problem. One she wasn’t entirely ready to get rid of. It involved the one and only Mary Macdonald. With all her easy beauty. With her fast wit and confident personality. Her unapologetic laughs. The way she cared for everyone so easily. The way she stood up for herself and others. Her smile lit Lily up like a Christmas tree. How she always seemed to know what she wanted. And Lily was starting to realize all she wanted was Mary.
She was Lily’s problem. The root of her stress and happiness. The beginning and end for the red headed Gryffindor.
Lily wasn’t sure how this happened. One moment she’s helping Dorcas braid Mary’s hair, listening to the Slytherin banter with an energetic Marlene, then the next thing she knows Mary turns and gives Lily the kindest smile and wink. And Lily? She is gone.
Her heart skipped a beat. Maybe more than one. Her heart stopped. Lily thought she might need to take a decade long hibernation. Mary was looking at Lily like it was the easiest thing in the world. And maybe it was for her. Maybe Mary looking at Lily was like looking at your best friend. But when Lily felt her cheeks flush maroon, it was the farthest thing from easy. The farthest thing from just looking at your best friend. Lily didn’t look at Marlene this way, or Remus.
She gave Mary a small smile back and burned. She felt on fire, or like the room was on fire. And the flames were pink and smelled like Mary. It ached. She wanted Mary to look at her forever. She wanted to grab her face and smash their lips together. She didn’t care who saw.
The realization hit hard.
She wanted to kiss her best friend.
Lily wanted to kiss her best friend?
Lily wanted to kiss her best friend.
Fuck.
–
“Remus, there is something very wrong.” Lily all but cornered Remus in the empty Library where he was working alone. She had her hands on the desk and was leaning over his fifteen scattered books. She had kept in her pockets this secret crush of hers for far too long. Lily was bursting with emotion and needed help. “I need your help. Right now.”
“Lily? What happened? Are you okay?” He reached for his wand as he took in Lily’s appearance. She had just got back from potions. Her hair was plastered to her face in sweat. Uniform a mess. Eyes intense. Turns out being distracted by your unrequited love causes you to mess up in mashing up ingredients properly. She had barely moved away from her cauldron in time of the mini explosion. That was the final straw.
“No, I am not.” Lily let out a heavy sigh and took the seat next to him. She leaned in close to her best friend. “Remus, how did you know you liked Sirius?”
He sputtered and seemed to be choking on air. Casting a Silencing charm so quickly Lily was surprised. She tilted her head and raised an amused eyebrow at his reaction. He cleared his throat but stayed quiet.
“Remus?”
“I- Listen. Whatever you heard it’s not-”
“Not true? Please, you two have been all over each other since the end of 6th year. Give my intelligence some credit.”
He shook his head and looked away from her. A small smile playing on his lips. Lily covered her mouth at the admission. A laugh escaped her.
“Oh my gods! You are dating! I wasn’t completely sure but now I am. Remus, why haven’t you told me?”
She brought a hand to his shoulder gently and he turned to face her. His dark eyes had a new spark to them. Lily felt a wave of fondness wash through her. He was happy, and really wasn’t that enough? Her heart sang for her friend.
“He doesn’t want to be out publicly yet.” His smile grew just talking about Sirius. “And I agree, we just got together y’know.” His accent seeped through his words.
“I won’t tell anyone.” She said as her smile grew. She retracted her hand and said sheepishly. “I may or may not have just won a bet though.”
He stared at her blankly. She laughed harder.
“You bet on me getting with Sirius?”
“Me, Mary and Marlene. Fourth year.” She nodded.
“Fourth year? Gods, was I that obvious?” Remus shook his head. Staring off at the bookshelves around them. Reminiscing on his fourteen year old self most likely.
“Marlene was the one to point out how Sirius looked at you. How he always wanted to be around you. That’s when I noticed the heart eyes you gave back to him.” She sighed wistfully. Remembering younger versions of all her friends. “Mary joined the bet after her and Sirius broke up.”
Lily spoke the last sentence quieter than she meant. Mary and Sirius getting together three years ago had tugged on her younger self's heart. She didn’t know why at the time, but looking back she saw the whole picture. And she hadn’t even known. Hadn’t known it was really jealousy. Sirius didn’t deserve Mary. He had Remus. Lily wanted Mary then, and she really wanted Mary now.
It was one of the scariest things to admit to herself.
It was all so confusing. She wanted answers. Lily wanted to know if this problem of hers was going to destroy seven years of friendship between her and Mary. Her best friend. She didn’t want to lose that.
She had never felt this strongly for someone. Not for James when they tried a relationship last year. Not when she had a small unknowing crush on Pandora. Never.
“Lily?” Remus brought her out of her thoughts. She snapped her head up to find him already watching her. He looked concerned. Brows pulled tight together. Like he could figure out Lily and her sudden silence by reading her. “Is there something wrong?”
She was back in the same anxious mindset, why she was here talking to Remus in the first place.
“Yes. Sort of?” She took a deep breath and pulled at her uniform. “I like someone. Well not just someone. I like. Okay. You know, Mary right?” Her voice went weaker as she spoke. Her eyes took a sudden interest in the floor.
Remus shuffled his chair closer and turned to fully face Lily. He gently took her left hand in his and smiled at her.
“I do know Mary.”
“Oh god! I mean, of course you do.” She brought her right hand to her hair. Combining through it nervously. Remus and Lily shared friends. Of course he knew who Mary was. Why was she so nervous? This was just Remus. He wouldn’t judge her. If anything, he looked ecstatic.
“So, you like Mary then?” She nodded. “And why are you telling me and not her?”
“Because this is ridiculous of me! There’s no way she likes me back. And I’m worried. I could ruin our friendship as it is. I can’t lose her Remus.” She felt her throat closing up in the way it does when she gets overwhelmed. It was starting to get hot here in the library. She felt stupid but also like she wished Mary was here holding her hand. And wasn’t that confusing?
“Lily, liking someone is not ridiculous.” He squeezed her hand. Voice unwavering. “And I can say confidently that this will not ruin your friendship. I see the way you two look at each other. The way you so easily work together. You guys are like watching the planets orbit the sun. Perfect.”
Lily felt tears spring to her eyes. She didn’t want to lose Mary. Never. But, there's always a what if. What if she felt the same. What if all the lingering touches meant more? What if the flirting wasn’t fake?
What if she liked Lily too?
What if she thought Lily was disgusting? They shared a room, they shared beds occasionally. They shared food. They shared everything. They were a package deal. Always.
When Marlene came out as a lesbian in fifth year, Mary had been the most supportive person. She was always there for Marlene when it got rough. Being the first to stand up for their best friend. Supporting all the changes she went through. The hair cuts, the stick and pokes, the style changes. She held her during her first heartbreak. She set her up with Dorcas right after. Mary was there for her. She hadn’t looked disgusted with her. She hadn’t looked like anything was different at all. Would it be the same if Lily said her true feelings?
Could they be okay?
“Was it overwhelming before you got with Sirius? How’d you know it was time?” Her voice was small and unlike herself even to her own ears.
“It was really hard.” He took time with his next words. “I was scared for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to lose my favorite person. But, there came a time where I had to let him know. It ate at me for so long. I felt like I was wrong for liking him, and that I was betraying our friendship. And so one day, I was overwhelmed with my emotions and the full moon. I was angry too. I just wanted to hold him. So I did, then he kissed me. Prongs made us talk instead of ignoring the kiss, and after being locked in a classroom we decided to take it slow. As slow as we could. And you know, nothing is ruined. Even though you and Mary are different from us, I really think she likes you back, Lils.”
Remus spoke with complete vulnerability and honestly. Lily blinked her tears away and brought him in for a crushing hug. She held him till her worry bleed away.
Then she heard a seat being pulled up next to her. A sweaty Marlene and Sirius were back from a short Quidditch practice. She straddled her seat and rested her head in her hands.
“You okay Lils?” Her concern made Lily’s heart ache. She truly loved her friends more than life.
“Yeah you look like shit Red.”
Remus smacked Sirius's shoulder as he took a seat on the floor. He laughed at the stern expression Remus shot him. Sirius then began to drum his fingers on the taller boy’s thigh.
Lily suddenly felt an ache for Mary.
“You don’t look much better Sirius.” Marlene began her retort on Lily’s behalf. "I told you, Quidditch really isn’t doing it for your hair.”
He made an outrageous cry and faced Remus. Eyes frantic.
“Moony, tell me she’s joking!” He raised his hands to his hair, flattening it. “Does it look okay?”
Remus shushed him and took hold of his hands bringing them down. He made a gesture and Sirius turned back around to face Marlene. She had her tongue poked out and a smile on her face. He flipped her the bird but relaxed when Remus began to dance his fingers in Sirius’s hair. The motion simultaneously fixing his hair and relaxing the silver eyed boy.
“No way that just worked.” Lily said as Marlene snorted.
“He is quite literally a dog.” Marlene said as she watched Sirius close his eyes.
Remus and Sirius started laughing. Sirius looked up into the brunette's eyes. He had a mischievous look in his eyes Lily didn’t quite understand.
Lily felt a nudge on her foot. Marlene was watching Lily with a strange intensity now. Lily tilted her head in question.
“So what’s wrong? You look,” She thought for a moment. “Like you are pondering.”
“Pondering? Okay Marlene.” She smiled but it was strained. Should she tell Marlene right now? Before she’s told Mary? Marlene would want to set them up right this moment. That was the whole reason Lily had gone to Remus first. Lily loved Marlene more than anything, they were practically sisters. But Marlene was not good when it came to secrets.
Though, after what Remus shared, all she wanted to do was find her best friend and admit her feelings. Spill her desires. Share them with who mattered the most to Lily. She wanted to know if she’d get to hold her hand as more than a friend. If she could fall asleep, holding her as they slept. If she could kiss her whenever she wanted. She wanted Mary and wanted to tell her that. Maybe that begun with admitting it to two more people.
“I’m okay Marls,” She took a deep breath. Glancing between her blonde and black haired friends. “I like Mary and I’m going to tell her.”
Marlene shot up at the same time Sirius’s eyes shot open. Remus smiled encouragingly at the Red head.
“You like MARY?”
“Go tell her right this moment Lily Marie Evans!”
Marlene was ushering Lily out of her chair and beaming. Her face lost any amount of tiredness from the previous practice. She was shifting her weight between both feet looking ready to bolt.
“Come on! You have to tell her!” She had grabbed Lily’s arm and started to pull her towards the exit.
“Marlene, I’m not sure now is the right time.” She gestured at herself. She was still grimy from potions. What would Mary think?
“Mrs. Mckinnon! Quiet your voice now.” The librarian scolded from her seat behind a desk.
Marlene made a motion of zipping her mouth shut and nodded. They were out of the silencing charm now, leaving Remus and Sirius behind.
When Lily turned to wave goodbye she saw Remus making a shooing motion. While Sirius was smiling and making cheering motions at Lily.
She turned back around to find Marlene suppressing smiles. Even getting told off by a teacher hadn’t bothered her mood. Lily envied her excitement. All she felt was a nervous pit in her stomach.
Once they made it far enough from the Library Marlene began actually jumping. Her joy was getting the attention of everyone around them. Lily had lost any embarrassment she felt walking the halls of Hogwarts long ago. Her friends were all that mattered, not the opinions of underclassmen. She was a head girl too, there was nothing the looks of others could do to her now. She had simply stopped caring what other students thought. That had a lot to do with Mary and Marlene.
Marlene who was now leading her to the common room. Mary would be there spending her Friday evening getting ready for the Ravenclaw party that night. Lily wasn’t ready. She felt her the familiar anxiety looming over her again.
“Marls! I really think I should wait a little longer to tell her.” Lily sped up her pace to keep up. Marlene’s legs were longer and her excitement made her faster. The only way to get her to match Lily’s pace was looping their arms together. Mary discovered the trick in her earlier years at Hogwarts. When they all walked together, Marlene was always ahead by many paces. Mary decided that looping arms was the best way to keep Marlene from wandering too far off without them.
It worked now just as well as it had then.
“Lils, I promise you look fine.” She was still beaming as she looked down at Lily. “Now is perfect!”
Lily began shaking her head in disagreement. They had reached the Portrait and entered.
“I want to wait to do it at the party.”
“Do what at the party?” Mary was now standing in front of the girls. Marlene’s smile grew ten times wider as she buzzed with energy. Lily however felt her heart sore at the sight of her best friend and fall at the idea of telling her right now.
“Oh just that she-”
“Really want to wait to use this new spell I found haha!” Marlene immediately stopped talking and raised an eyebrow at Lily. It said,
That’s what you went with?
“Oh I love that!” She wiggled her eyebrows at Lily. “Can I see it before?”
Lily felt her hands grow sweaty. Mary could do anything and it was the most attractive thing. Her eyebrows were enough to have Lily swooning. She clearly wasn't okay.
That’s when she took in Mary’s appearance. She was ready for the party. And Lily was ready for the floor to eat her. She wore her hair out, natural curls surrounding her face, falling down her shoulders. Her dress was a pink material with shoes to match. She wore gold jewelry that added to the goddess look.
Lily felt the overwhelming urge to take Mary upstairs to their dorm and worship her. She deserved nothing less. Lily needed to be closer. She needed to be farther away. She felt like the sun was burning her skin. She felt like her Mum was right, Heaven is worth living through anything for. Lily had met Heaven on the train seven years ago, and Heaven had stuck with her through it all. The good and ugly of Lily Evans. And right now, she understood religion in a way she never had before.
She saw it. She believed in it. She felt love coursing through her veins. And wasn’t that enough? Wasn’t it enough to stare at Mary from two steps away and feel the love. Feel everything. Lily couldn’t deny she wanted more, but if this is all Mary could give her. Stolen glances and the emotion of love . She would learn to live with that. Hadn’t she done that all this time?
“Lils?” Marlene bumped their shoulders together. Her smile was knowing. “Where’d you go?”
“Oh! Sorry,” Lily met Mary’s now concerned eyes. “No. I want to show everyone at the same time. Sorry Mary.”
“It’ll be great then! I love everything you do.” She looped their arms together and began walking to the dorm room. “I have been waiting for you both forever by the way. I want to help you guys get ready! Marls you’re bringing Dorcas right?”
Lily was having a hard time concentrating on the stairs when Mary was so close and smelled so good. She barely registered the door shutting behind Mary and Marlene flopping down on her bed.
Lily had decided what she was going to do about her problem. She’d get rid of it. Tonight. Yes. She was going to tell Mary at the party tonight. In a few hours. She’d do it then. Yes. If it went horribly she would ask to room with Pandora for a little bit.
And if it goes well?
She couldn’t get her hopes up. She wouldn’t. But , there was always that what if. What if tonight they slept in the same shared bed together? Morning kisses and I love you’s. The what if’s filled her head as she dressed and asked Mary and Marlene what they thought of a green dress or red one. She imagined lips pressed together as Mary handed her matching sets of Jewelry she already wore. She imagined her pale hands on contrasting brown. She stared at the reflection of herself and her best friends. Her green dress, Mary's pink one, and Marlene's suit. She stared and imagined a life outside of Hogwarts. Mary and Lily raising a kid. Marlene being the safe aunty.
She imagined.
She left for the party hand in hand with Mary and smiled.
She trusted Marlene, Remus and Sirius. She would tell Mary her feelings. Tonight.